The rest of us with extra homework must waste our brains away sitting in Academic Lab with nothing but a third-grade (literally!!) worksheet to keep us company. Really. The worksheets, already an insult to my intelligence, are mandatory followed by the completion of some lameass book and complete consciousness. No talking allowed, no sleeping allowed, not even a damn box of french fries.
It's a good thing I brown-nosed to my science teacher my freshman year, or else she'd probably dislike my constant whispering and smuggled food. If there is a God out there in the cosmos, thanks for that. And thanks for her also being the chemistry teacher, we get to see some pretty interesting experiment reenactments too.
My main point of this page is not to show a love or dislike for this pathetic attempt to keep the stoner kids afloat with easy classes with the most minimal of expectations (even though they continue to drop out of school) but to show how to screw around with your teacher. It's the crappy little "journals" we were expected to do that kept my sanity, although after reading these I doubt you'll accept that I ever had any of that to begin with.
-Ciao,
Kate:-)
1-12-05: Did a daunting act of heroism involving snail feces and a cup of yogurt; performed “Swan Lake” with an all-llama cast and did a worksheet using toejam as a pencil. -Katie, you are the most "creative-imagination" person I know
1-18-05: Discovered the meaning of life, went back in time using a magic toothpick and punched Hitler in the neck, set a world record for eating the most tuna-flavored Slim Jims in 5 seconds (10,071.3) and completed a worksheet by reinventing the Braille system and using a lemur with cancer to be my personal secretary.
1-20-05: Held an interview with a porcupine about his favorite name-brand kitchen appliances while speaking fluent Yiddish, gave an appendectomy to my living room sofa, got a bad case of beri-beri on my eyelids but cured it by singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” 13 times into a mirror and ran over 5 orphans on the highway before finishing a worksheet by psychokinesis thanks to the alignment of Mercury and Saturn last Tuesday. -Too funny
1-24-05: Today I built a suspension-cable bridge out of discarded banana peels and pistachio shells, had a poker game with the Yeti and the Tooth Fairy, got my Ph.D. in being a Ninja Wizard, witnessed a shark giving birth to electric potatoes, and won the Nobel Prize in science for discovering an alternate power source involving a million Siamese immigrants and shouting “I’m an orange! Squeeze me!” and completed a worksheet in an alternate dimension but the Bizarroland Postal Service screwed up and sent it to this one! Not much happened today.
1-26-05: On this beautiful morning, I had a face-off with Godzilla in Amsterdam, but King Kong came and I didn’t get my duel. So instead I killed atomic bears with laser-vision, wrote a 67-book anime series, stole Kerry’s three Purple Hearts, -did he really earn them? and hocked them for pogs with Pikachu on them. Later, I bought a spare epiglottis from a 90-year-old pimp and ate some moldy bologna fritters. Three people called the cops on me for singing the coconut song in public, four orphans thanked me for absolving their sins, and hey—are these entries getting longer? I did a worksheet! P.S. The textbook I used for the worksheet on 1-24-05 was “Mein Kampf” by Adolph Hitler. Enjoy!
1-28-05: I met my evil twin in a paradoxal existential void, held a rabid mushroom rodeo, sentenced seven innocent people to death by clairvoyance, had a conference with Lord Chimi of the Changas, used ancient shaman majiks to save an African tribe from a 4-story tall tsetse fly and got a burned-out lightbulb as a reward, captured Osama bin Laden in a lobster trap, built a crime-fighting robot gerbil in Turkmenistan, juggled 15.8 midgets while peeling a pomegranate, killed Kenny from “South Park,” resurrected a golem made entirely of clam chowder, popped the World’s Largest Zit Ugh! (30 feet in diameter) and then completed a worksheet that smelled like neon peanuts.
2-1-05: Today I gave a lethal injection of pink lemonade to some frilly panties and saved the Incredible Hulk from impending doom when I gave him the Heimlich after he ate a stale corn dog. In thanks, he introduced me to Sean Connery and we all went yodeling in Zimbabwe. Exhausted, I summoned Captain Planet to shine my shoes and enslaved the Mexican boy with the Heart Ring. We removed his lymph nodes and left him in a motel bathtub filled with flapjacks in Singapore. Just then, the Dalai Lama burst into the room using his incredulous powers of calculus and deduction, chugged a Pepsi 24-pack and turned into a sugar cube. Dazed, I ran all the way back home and grabbed the cow used to do a worksheet. This entry will self-destruct in 10 seconds. AH!!
2-3-05: I was charged with a misdemeanor today for trying to use the toilet with my pants on. The toilet was supposed to shave my legs for me, according to the guy in the back alley who sold it to me. I snored the Alphabet song at mach 98.3 (repeating), studied the side effects of nuclear fallout on vaporized livers, popped the smelliest corn kernel on Alpha Centauri and blamed it on the cat I don’t own, painted the White House a shade of off-white, bit Ozzy’s Yes! head off and regurgitated it to a baby penguin, rode bareback on a diseased fire beetle to the magnetosphere, ate some chicken-flavored Soylent Pink, Great movie:-) found some Easter Eggs under my couch dated back to 1992, watched a nature documentary on Yuppies, stomped on a ship-in-a-bottle, starred in my own failed comedy on FOX, pokes a clam in the retinas, and floated to School on Cloud Nine so I could do a worksheet. Bah!