Das Schicksal Von Der Mutter
In the small, pious mountain town of Goodington, an unwitting grille opperator sets in motion the beginning of the apocalypse by fullfilling an ancient prophecy involving the devil and a triple-ultimate burger. God calls up to heaven all the righetous souls, leaving hordes upon hoardes of zombies to roam the earth and feed upon the living. After the grille opperator realizes that he is the second coming of our lord, Jesus Christ, he arms himself to the teeth with guns and starts destroying zombies left, right, and center with his sawed-off shotgun. He also becomes reacquanted with Jesus' sword, blessed by the original saviour himself. After rescuing his girlfriend, Lilah Morgan*, he refuses the devil's invitation to join the forces of evil. There is also an apocalyptic battle between Jesus two and the black horseman of the apocalypse, Saturn, who is defeated by Jesus' blessed blade.
*Not to be confused with the other Lilah Morgan.
After fighting off a large quantity of the undead, our protagonists flee to the nearby mountain town of Badsville, which has become a human safe-haven. After a night of passion and sex, Lilah disapears to go save a ranch of horses from the zombie farmers that were previously their owners. Jesus returns to Goodington, in search of his birthparents and sister, but find no trace of them anywhere. After picking up a fresh bottle of Absinth from the local LCBO, he returns to Badsville and is again discovered by another apocalyptic horseman, the red knight Mars. Jesus is victorious in the battle, and after an incident involving a lot of zombies, he gets depressed and then smashed. Lilah arrives, and under eclipsing moon, it is revealed that she is pregnant with a mystical baby, that is growing fast inside her. All the while, the earth's days quicken, the stars act very unnaturally, and a global heatwave errupts. Our protaganists are taking a slight break, on the morning of the fifteenth* of May.
*Day three of the apocalypse, old time.
"That's really quite amazing, hon," Lilah calls across the small lake to me. "I'll say. I've never smoked on water before." I am lying down quite comfortably on top of the water, the sun shining brightly into my eyes. I'm enjoying a Drum-rolled cigarette. I sittup halfway and gaze lovingly at Lilah. She returns the look, before she pats at her enlarged belly and whispers something in it's direction. I stand up, my feet completely dry, on the very surface of the water and stroll over to her. "What should I name the pony?" she asks me, pointing over her shoulder at the snow-white animal, a miniture version of a horse. I tut at her. "Always with the names. Name the pony, name the baby, name the zombie who is baring his undead fangs at you from behind." With a slight scream, she twirls around, then punches me in the arm. "Not funny." "Want to walk on water?" I extend my hand to her, and she takes it firmly. Her feet, which had been wading around in a shallow area float to the surface, taking the rest of her body with her. We walk, hand in hand, out to the centre of our strangely shaped lake. "Huh. Now I can put on my resumé that I've walked on water." "As soon as I stop this apocalypse, you can."
After walking in circles several times on the lake, we head back to the car. I drive slowly, so that Lilah can keep up on ponyback, as we head back to the two story elementary school. I shudder at the destruction I had laid to that area the previous night. Zombies coming at me every which way, me only armed with a sword, I had taken out every single one of them. Body parts, would be the best term to describe the area. And, afterwards, in an Absinth-induced rage or boredom, I had demolished every single window the school's front had to offer. "Right. I'm going to drive back to Goodington and load up on groceries, all chicken and bagels put aside. And, assuming I don't convert any more people, Badsville is the safest place from zombies that I can come up with for you to hide. Also, this school is the safest place from the humans around here, for they will avoid all these zombie remains, I reckon. Not to mention the gun-crazy I was yesterday. Nobody will find, kidnap, or harm you, the baby, or the horse here." "That was a very long run-on sentence, hon." "Which one?" "Two of the later ones were pretty bad, but the last one was just uncomfortable. Not exactly a run-on sentence, just awkward." "Great. What do you want from the store?" "Viva puffs. And doritoes. Ice cream, lots of ice cream. Get the smarties kind. Fuck, get smarties too. Oh, No Frilles usually has Krispy Kreme donuts, grab some of those. Can we cook a turkey outdoors, or break into somebody's house and use their stove?"
I drive off, with a considerable list of fatty foods. I say a small prayer to the radio gods, before flicking on the radio. "-And that's why Jim Carey sucks. And Nicole Kidman? Forget about it-!" I utter a small curse to the radio gods. Not really a curse, just a really short word. Cooper was still on the air, which meant that nobody had bothered to tie him up, lock him in a room with a zombie, and let the zombie have his or her way with this dolt. Goddamn Cooper. The most irritating radio DJ slash call-in-host slash news reporter* slash moron. I reach for my cell phone and dial in the number for the station. "Great, our first call of the day. Speaking of day, what's your opinion on the cycle of days, caller?" "Can you shutup and play me a song?" My radio makes a clucking noise. "Sure, why not? I do have access to Limewire on the net, in case we don't have your song in our massive archives. So, caller, what is your poison?" "Absinth, vodka, tobacco, chronic. Why, what's yours?" "What song is the song your soul desires?" I hesitate, considering. I know a great number of songs, and would honestly like to hear them all at once. Just to see what it sounds like. I randomly pick, "An acoustic version of 'Yellow', by Coldplay will suit me fine. And since it's a real pussy-ass song, I want to dedicate it to my girl, Lilah Morgan. Soon enough, we'll be raising a little Jesus of our own." "Your command is my wish." I hang up the phone and let the soothing song remove all worries. I whistle along, as I drive one-handedly into Goodington, my other hand firmly attached to my sawed-off shotgun.
*He's only a news reporter during the apocalypse.
Goodington has really gone downhill a lot further than Badsville. I'm driving through a ghost-town one minute, then I'm cruising through packs of undead people or undead dogs or other undead animals that have been infected, and then all of a sudden I can't see through the clouds of locusts buzzing around my car. The vegetation was, for the most part, turning brown, as gardens remained untended due to the fact that their caretakers were dead, undead, or had simply fled. I backed the car up as close as I could get to the store and popped the trunk. Jumping out with much speed, I took a mere moment to watch as a pack of zombie birds disected an obviously dead squirrel with their claws and their beaks. I shuttered. "Bet I'm the only thing with a pulse in this whole god-forsaken town." The No Frilles was sealed tighter than a cheese slice inside a wrapper, so I blew a gaping hole through the front window. Alarms sounded, similiarly to at the LCBO. I wandered the empty store, shotgun in hand, as I looked over my list. "She wrote down ice cream four times. My baby doesn't need THAT much ice cream." I piled ice cream, cookies, a turkey, and other calorie-soaked foods inside my vehicle, before returning for healthier items. "Hmm. Bread, apples, dry Mr. Noodles, there's a real treat. And, yogurt." I look across and spot yogurt in the farthest corner of my current aisle. I was so preoccupied with the yogurt, I failed to notice the zombie who jumped out from behind a stand of Kool-Aid and attached himself to my back. Firing backwards over my shoulder, I removed his one leg, then threw him over my shoulder into a crated section of milk. I fire a killing shot through the zombie's skull, before stepping over him and grabbing a bag of milk. I head back to the yogurt, then sprint with two dairy products under each arm back to the car. I get into the driver's seat, and notice a pair of zombies heading towards my car. I notice what they both have on their hands, and a question pops into my head. "I'm going to ask Lilah."
"Look at all the food!" Lilah shouts at me excidedly as I arrive back at the abandoned school. "So much ice cream! And you got the smarties kind! Thank you so much, this baby is starving, and so am I!" I hand her a plastic spoon, grinning as she pounces upon that box first. Her happiness disappears instantly, as she faces the open box of frozen dairy treat. She reaches her hand in, and pulls out a diamond ring. I am all ready down on one knee, before her, and I gently take the ring from her possession and place it upon her hand. "There were a married zombie couple, and I know it's probaly bad luck to use a used set of wedding rings, especially if there previous owners are now zombies, but Lilah. Lilah Morgan. Will you, make me the happiest reincarnation of Jesus Christ and marry me?" I look up from her hand and into her face, and I see a cold, almost lifeless person staring back at me. "Lilah?" She blinks, but her face turns from emotionless to crushed, to sadened, and then she begins to sob. Tears of an ultimate sadness roll from her face. She clutches at her belly, as she begins to ball and ball. I'm astonished, to say the least. "Is that a no, then?" Through the sharp intacts of breath, she manages, "It's, not, you. I, love, you. This, is, all, my, father's, fault." I am baffled, and an inner monologue begins to debate inside my head. "I've never met Lilah's father before, and I fail to see what he has to do with us now. He's probaly dead. Oh, mabie that's it. She's sad that her dad's dead. That must be it. She just realized her parents are gone." "Are you sure that he's dead? Maybe when you were in the panic room he escaped, and he's somewhere in Badsville. I'm hoping that's where my family is-" "Dead? He's not dead- he's-" I hear a noise, reverbate through the structure of the school. The sound of an aproaching motorbike. One particular, familiar motorbike. I recognize it immediately. "God-damn, it's the fucking devil again. I'm going to teach him a thing or two!" I grab past Lilah for my sword and rush out to the front of the school, with Lilah tugging on me manically while I exit.
"I see you've come to terms with everything then," the devil addresses to me as he hops off his pale motorbike. "I've come to terms with the fact I'm going to kill you-!" I shout at him, raising up my sword. He nods towards Lilah. "'Sup?" "And if you touch a hair on her head-!" Lilah grabs me, kisses me with a frenzied passion that catches my attention. "I'm so sorry. I love you and I'm so very, very sorry." I stare at her. I look real hard and almost stare through her. I can almost see through her terrible lie. Then I take a couple of steps backwards, and have, what I'd like to refer to as an unconscious flashback.*
*I was asleep at the time, but I must have subconsciously heard their conversation, and deep, deep down, realized something was wrong.
Lilah looks down at the second coming of Jesus, as I sleep nude on an emergency blanket. I stir gently as a motorbike roars up next to me. The devil hops off the bike and also stares down at me. "He's sleeping like a little lamb-baby. We should kill him. Why haven't you done it all ready, my dear?" Lilah shakes her head, as she pats at her belly. "Don't worry. I've got exactly what I needed from him. But there's no need to kill him. He's already killed one of our agents, doing God's work. But he will not kill his own son." "Why not?" the devil asked through a sneer. "He can't. It's not in him. His son will rise from my womb, soon enough. The anti-Christ himself. 'And once he consumes his first breath, the son will consume both the mother and the father, before he consumes the rest of the world of man.' But if my baby boy is given the opprotunity to eat daddy, whilst his father still breathes, not only will this fullfill the prophecy, but this will make my son so very, very strong." The devil nods, approvingly. "We won't even give him the chance to try and hurt your child. The fourth horseman of the apocalypse will come to term. After you've been devoured, my dear, I shall raise him like my own son, and together we shall turn the earth into a new Hell itself. He grows quickly, his armor of whitest white, and his unholy bow, are both contained within your own physical vessel. Have you agreed to the name laid out in the prophecy?" "Jupiter is a fine name, for a fine child." "Well, if we're not going to kill Christ, let's at least go pick up a horse for your baby boy." Lilah, on the back of the devil's palest gray motorbike, gives me one last, sad look, before the devil drives off.*
*This conversation takes place several hours after Lilah and Jesus had sex.
I turn away from her, her unique form of evil engulfing me, much like the flame engulfed the dead bird, and I feel sick. I squint as I turn back towards her, as though her brand of treachery were an infinitely bright light. She has walked away from me, she can't even look at me, as she pats lovingly at her rescued pony. How can a creature so full of deceit do anything lovingly? She pretended to be in love with me- she tricked me! For years, I've known Lilah Morgan for years! The devil laughs at my obvious pain. "Oh, she's in no danger, your highness. Why on God's reddening earth would I hurt my own daughter?" I stare back at the two of them, as the devil moves closer and closer to his souless offspring. Did she have a soul? Or was she just a minion of hell? I don't know. At this point, I don't care. She looks back at me, sadness crawling from cheek to cheek, as she rubs at her belly. "This was my father's plan. Plan B, as it were. You could have joined us, been the fourth horseman of the apocalypse. But you rejected us. You rejected evil. So now, I am pregnant by the second coming of their lord, Jesus Christ. Inside me, grows the fourth horseman, our child. It would have been so perfect, if you'd joined us. It would have proved false many a prophecy, but you could have done it. It would have been so perfect.." "You don't have to explain anything to him my dear," the devil sneers at me. "And I've been having a craving ever since I saw you hooked up with 'the dolt', over there. Now give daddy some sugar." I watch in horror, as the father thrusts his tongue down his daughter's throat. My girlfriend's throat. And she returns to him as much passion as he gave to her. "NO!!" I howl, as I carelessly drop my sword and fall to my knees.
This truly is a very bad day. The incestuous kiss just goes to prove it.
"I hope you're not completely 'destroyed', eh? Don't be a stranger now," the devil offers to me as he clubs me over my head with my own sword. As I fall into a deep, horrible sleep, I curse the name Lilah Morgan.
I wake up, dimly aware of how sore my head was. It has once again turned into nighfall. "Fuck," I utter, as I remember why I am lying facedown on a pile of corpses, my sword within my reach. I stand up, and angrily kick one of the dead. I bitterly eye the ring on my left hand, and toss it into the pile of lifeless people. "I proposed to the devil's daughter! Me! The son of God!" I spit, trying to remove the horrible taste from my mouth. I can feel the rage building and building inside of me, and I need an outlet. After removing my sword to the safety of my car, I pull the emergency can of gas from the back and begin tossing it freely onto the pile of bodies. "You could have warned me, God!" I yell at the sky, before setting a rag on fire. It burns, slowly in my hand, as I recall the devil maching on my chick. I toss it carelessly ontop of the flammable remains, before seating myself on top of the hill. I watch as all the zombie bits burn, the smoke floating slowly up towards heaven. This has done nothing to improve my mood, but I sit and watch the fire for a very long time. "Fuck!!" I scream at the burning pile, before I jump in my car and drive recklessly back into Goodington. While keeping my eyes half on the road, I reach into the backseat and find a glass jar containing Crown Royal. Using my teeth, I rip the lid off and chug back a decent amount of the amber liquid.
"And tonight, I ask for a minute of silence, in silent reflection of all the people who have been lost. For, I may be saying this pesimistically, but I believe that this is the apocalypse. The deathtoll is enormous, and is very sad news, for soon we shall all join them. There's no escaping it, people. We're all done for. Kapootz. Oh, newsflash, by the way, there was supposedly a mass-migration of zombies into Goodington. So even if the heat, or the falling meteorites, or the locusts eating our crops don't kill us, there's always a city full of flesh-eating zombies looking for their next meal. Jesus Christ, look at the stars!" Taking the radio's hed, I pop my head out of the car and watch as the stars turbulently explode, leaving the sky emptier and emptier by the minute. I noticed, without giving much of a damn, that meteorites were indeed falling towards the earth. "Great," I comment to myself. "City full of zombies. Time for this saviour to kick some ass." I swerve awkwardly, as a falling and flaming piece of debris lands directly in my car's previous trajectory. I was all ready driving at a decent clip of ninety kilometres an hour, but pick up the pace to a nice one-twenty.
Evolution is something that all lifeforms go through. From single celled amoebas into the first land dwellers, or the simple simians which evolved into humans*, evolution is a part of life. Even humans evolve and get smarter, from small fetuses into babies, who grow into children, adults, etcetera. You know what else? Anti-lifeforms such as zombies go through the same thing. Evolution happens to dead, living creatures. They start off as mindless, ravenous creatures, whose single goal is to feast upon living flesh, the rarer the better. But eventually, they start to remember some human discoveries. Such as fire. And torture. And beer. And unfoldable lawn chairs.
*I believe this particuliar theory
"Beer," grunted a middle-aged zombie, as he sat comfortably in his lawn chair. Another, similiarly aged zombie reached into the cooler, past all the ice cubes, to find a refreshingly cold beer, which he tossed to the first one. They both drank their Corona's in silence, as they otherwise sat open-mouthed, gaping at the fire that had been built on somebody's front lawn. The fire, was mostly composed of fireplace wood from somebody's shed, but had also been decorated with a rainbow-splattering off miscelanious unisex clothes and a small library's worth of books. Here and there poked out an arm or a skull of a lifeless zombie, that had been killed by me, quite possibly. This burning inferno that mezmerized most of the surrounding zombies was proof that they were evolving. Kind of. It's not nanotechnology, but it's better than anything dolphins can do. Not the entire crowd of creatures was entertained by the fire and the beer though. A set of ruthless, teenaged zombies sat idly on the ground, as they dissected a similiarly dead zombie child, whose legs and arms had all been broken. The child groaned and moaned as his arm was removed at the elbow and tossed without much compassion into the flames. "Hehe," a zombie on the ground with a mohawk chuckled idiotically. His head snapped upwards, his body quickly following. His nose flared as he smelled something tasty. Something alive. The whole crowd could smell me. The child on the ground began to salivate.
My face is lit by the occasional self-destructive star, but otherwise just the outline of my face is visible. A dark silhoutte, I approach the multitude of zombies at much pace, as they start to charge towards me. Before they're anywhere near me, I set in motion my cd player of Closer mixes, and place both earphones into my appropriate headholes. I lift up the gun and fire shot, after shot into them. I am very much outnumbered, and doubt I will survive. Just in case you couldn't decipher my mood at this point in time, I'm on the edge. Lilah's deception had ruined me. Well, the alcohol more recently, but I wouldn't have gotten as drunk if it weren't for her lies. They begin to encircle me, which is when I pull the sword from my belt and swinging expertly with both of my hands in circles. Zombies do not see imminent death approaching. If they see a sharp, metallic weapon coming towards their face, they will put their face in the way of the sharp, metallic weapon. If it's in between them and sweet, sweet meat. Because let's face it people: zombies aren't very smart. They just keep coming, and coming, and I keep laying waste to them, over and over again. By the time I'm done, the sun has begun to rise. I shake my head at the disturbing ammount of death around me, before I move to an abandoned lawn chair, right beside the fire. I nod to the paralyzed zombie on the ground. "Wassup, buddy?" I ask, as I crack open one of their cold ones and contemplate the situation. I also light up one of my Benson & Hedges.
"There's still a great number of zombies in this town. All over the entire world. I don't have enough stamina to beat them all with my sword, and even if I have an infinite supply of ammo, I don't have enough time to get all of them. Well, let's forget the zombies and just focus on the evil, catastrophic creature that is the fruit of my loins. Until I figure out where the fourth horseman is, I should get rid of the one I can find. But you know what?" I ask the zombie on the ground, who has been twitching this whole time. I gooey strand of spit drips from his mouth, his dead eyes staring at my leg hungrily. "There's a prophecy that the bad guys have their hands on, saying that if he is born, he will go and eat me and the mum, who is a bitch by the way. I don't even think I'll get a chance to sword fight my boy. And if that's the end of me, that's pretty much the end of earth. No offense to the average joe, but most of these characters don't have it in them to kill a horseman of the apocalypse." The zombie frowns and looks me in the eye, apparently very frustrated. I bet he wishes I would just move over to his broken body and put my arm or neck directly into his mouth, so he can feed. So he can live. I may be upset, but I'm not that dispondent. "Well, that sounds like a good plan. I shall go remove my child and his expected mother before he gets a chance to remove me. That means finding them. If I were the devil, and my daughter got knocked up by god's son, and the quick-bake child was to have a hand in ending the world, where would I hide the daughter so that the father would never find her?" I do more silent musing. "I went to school," the child uttered, gutterly. "I painted. I drew. I read. Can I go to school now? Please?" I felt sympathetic to the poor creature. Should I live him here to starve? I snapped my fingers as a two simultaneous, disconnected thoughts crossed my mind at the same time. "Yea, buddy. Let's go to school."
The guards who were protecting the border of Badsville had seen me driving back and forth often enough to stop searching my car. I got out and gave them the zombies' cooler, which still contained several beers. "Thanx, eh? Where's the missus?" "We've had a parting of the ways. I'm actually about to go kill her." "Really? Sounds serious." "Fate of the world, yada-yada-yada. Enjoy the beer." I hop back in the car and drive away. I'm glad they didn't check my trunk. They would have found an immobile zombie child, quietly chewing on another zombie's meaty arm. That would have looked very bad for me. The apocalypse and armies of zombies is really no time to be showing sympathy, or emotions of any sort really.
I drum the steering wheel gently as I listen to the radio play a very appropriate, but equally painful song*. Painful, for it marked both the first really attrocious song Oasis has ever made, and because the words reminded me of somebody I had loved. Who had screwed me, then screwed me over. "I’ve waited for a thousand years, for you to come and blow me out my mind. Hey.. Lyla. The stars are about to fall. So what d'you say.. Lyla?" I turn off the radio. "Look's like we're here," I mutter to myself as I pull up next to the pile of smoking bodies. I get out of my car, and am once again standing in front of the elementary school.
*Lyla, by Oasis. If you read the lyrics, you'll understand.
A lot of strange things had happened at this school in the past two days, and I reflected on these. I had defeated the horseman Mars here. I had converted and then immediately slaughtered a crowd of people in this spot. I had drank absinth here and I had destroyed all the windows of the school, and then I found a small bird and cremated it. I had fallen asleep in my pregnant girlfriend's arms here. I had hidden her here, until I returned with a reasonable ammount of stolen groceries. I had proposed here, and I had seen the truth here, about how my girlfriend was really an agent and offspring of the devil. I had been knocked unconscious here. I had set fire to a pile of zombies. And most recently, I had brought to this spot a one-armed zombie who was only capable of twitching and drooling, who lay helpless as a lamb in my trunk. And, last of all, this is where I killed my girlfriend.
I methodically search the small school, until I find Lilah Morgan hiding in one of the second-floored classes. She doesn't look entirely surprised to see me, as she lies on the floor, propped up against a wall. A look of terror flashes across her face, but is quickly replaced by an emotionless mask. Her body has taken on the shape of a women in her third trimester, who will very soon be giving birth. She eyes the sword in my right hand. I eye the devil's motorbike, which appears to be lacking it's rider. "Are you going to kill me?" "Where is he?" I ask her. "I asked first." "You used me, you lied to me. You tell me where he is or-" "He's gone- our son Jupiter needs a zombie horse to ride upon. But I guess that doesn't matter any more, eh?" "A pony sacrifice? Huh. Yea, I'm here to kill you." She nods, expectantly. "You should really let me give birth. Sure, we'll both be the first food our son will ever eat, but think about it: everything that is ever created needs to be destroyed. That's all the apocalpyse is- an end to the beginning. It's natural. Please, just let this happen." I give Lilah the angriest stare I can muster. I can't believe she's begging for her life, begging for me to let everyone on earth down. "Don't tell me how to do my job, Lilah. I know what I have to do- I always know exactly what I have to do-" "Even when you're wrong?" I look away from her, out the window of the school. Both the sun and the horizon have turned blood red, and fiery balls begin to descend from heaven. I clutch the sword more tightly, as I look back to Lilah. Water has begun to leak across the floor, the whitest water I've ever seen. It's dripping from Lilah's legs. "Hon. If you want to end all this, you better do it soon. While you still have the chance." I nod, as I prepare to kill my girlfriend. After all the death that has desensitized me over the years, or moreso over the past couple of days, I still am not prepared to do this. Even after her betrayal, I am in love with Lilah Morgan. I silently curse both God and the devil for manoveuring me into this position. For I am not prepared to do this.
Do you want to read part iv?
Or head straight to the disclaimer?
this isn't a religious story.. in case you were having any funny ideas about it..