I wrote this shit soo long ago, on a different computer. I transferred (a while ago) a bunch of stuff onto my new computer (new meaning 18 months old), and this was among the refuse. These stories are not very good, but they made me laugh at the time. (They died when I tried to turn him into a Samurai, instead of whattever the hell he is in these ones. Even the last one of these is weeeaaak...):
The Strange Tales of Mr. Dogly, Fairy Tale Decective:
I remember vividly the day I first laid eyes on the broad. Human, female, hair in a tight-ass bun and legs wearing skin-tight pants- possibly goblin skin. She marched into my office - and by office, I mean she came into the bar I use as my HQ and sat down at my table opposite me. “You Dogly?” she asked in a brisk tone. “I’m Dogly if you’re a client, but I’m gone if you’re hoping I’ll be your client.” She smiled thinly. “Cute, you should do standup. I need you to help me find a fairy.” “Have you tried The Broomsticks? Chock full of faries, but you probaly couldn’t find any work in there.” “I am not a whore, scum. My father owns horses, fast horses. Know what’s even faster than our horses? A thieving fairy named Repzul. Used to work for us, until he stole one of the less usefull horses and vanished.” “And you want me to kill your servant fairy?” “Sure, if you want... I just need the horse back. I’m told you’re good at finding things that don’t want to be found.” I laughed. “Good? I’m one of the pros- why are you wasting my time tracking a small-time fairy with a horse fetish? Get an amateur-” She pulled a large purse from her belt and dropped it heavily onto the table. I opened it quickly and was confronted by hundreds of pieces of silver. “250 now, 250 after I have my horse back.” I smelt a rat immediately- nobody pays 500 in silver to kill a fairy and return a useless horse. Furrowing my brow, I said in a matter-fact way, “I’m gonna need 20 silver for a mage to help me track this guy- unless you wanna use a troll, but they are very unreliable and smelly.” She pulled out 20 more from another purse and tossed them casually onto the tabletop. “I’ll meet you here in 1 week. You had better have my horse back by then.” And that was that, she was gone before I finished counting the 270.
“Tink?” I called out to the fairy waitress as she flew by. “I’ve told you before, I don’t do threesomes!” she told me, holding a tray in one hand and hip on the other. I tried, with some difficulty, to keep my eyes above her short top she barely fit into and even shorter skirt. “Take this and get me a mage from Rent-a-Corp,” I said, tossing her the 20 silver. Tink nodded, setting her tray on top of the bar before she left. I watched her purple wings before taking a huge gulp from my stein of mead. The huge bartender looked angry that his only waitress had left, but didn’t say anything.
It was nearly sunrise by the time Tink came back, dragging a man in long white robes wearing a pointy white hat. “I ran into a gang of hobbits.” “Better late that never-” “-Yes, I’m quite fine- they wanted a romp, not a stomp.” “So you’re the mage?” I asked the man in white, ignoring Tink, who sniffed loudly and returned to the bar. “Yes, I am the White Mage Dorci-” “-Look, I don’t give a fuck what your name is. You are now Mage, I am your employer Dogly. If you tell me your name- something I don’t need to know- I will kill you and demand a refund from Rent-A-Corp, understand?” “If you insist.” I twirled my hat down over my eyes. “Your job is to tell me where a fairy named Repzul is hiding and then escort me to him. Let’s go.” Mage pulled a wooden imitation of a fairy and a map out of his purse and laid them on the table. Taking the candle from the middle of the table, Mage dropped some red dust into the flames before dropping the toy fairy in as well. “Repzul,” Mage muttered. The fairy turned from brown to black, jumped onto the bar on the map and walked towards a forest. “There you go,” Mage said, before throwing his equipment back in his purse. “Moxy forest, a days travel on foot.” I stood up and left, with Mage in tow.
A days travel later, we stood on the outskirts of the forest. “Yo, dumass. Do you know what kind of creepy crawlies are in there?” “This forest holds wood elves, white dragons- the small harmless ones, and possibly werewolves and vampyres at night. We must be quick.” I rolled my eyes at the dramatic moron. “Okay, when we see the horse an’ fairy, you paralyze the horse and I’ll get-” I was rudely interrupted by an average sized horse galloping in between Mage and myself, with a green winged fairy on top. “Shit!” I yelled as I ran after the horse. “Oi!” screamed the fairy at the horse, hitting it harder to go faster. Much to my surprise, Mage was sprinting after the horse at a pace at least twice as fast, with a wand in his hand. A blue flame appeared and shot from the wand, hitting the horse and turning it into a block of ice. Repzul landed on the ground, where I sat on him and started punching him in the face. “Why the hell did the horseowner’s daughter pay 520 silver to get this pathetic horse back?” The fairy’s face, now a bloody mess, had a mark of fear on his face. “I’ll explain it to you,” a voice behind me said.
The broad with the skin-tight pants jumped off of a second horse and kneeled over Repzul, who jumped up and backed away from her. “That cold-hearted bitch killed my brother and used his skin for clothing!” She nodded, standing up. “And this asshole stole my ruby necklace and used my own horse for gettaway! Besides, your brother was a useless servant and looks so much better as a pair of pants!” Her hands splayed down to her skin-tight pants. Mage walked over to me and both of us glanced from Repzul to the broad. “Kill him! That’s what I hired you to do! Then I can get my necklace from his cold dead neck and use his skin for a saddle!” “Or, if you have a soul, avenge my brother and kill her! She’s evil!” I rubbed my chin and quickly grabbed the wand out of Mage’s hands, who backed away towards the other two. “Look, fuckheads. Stop being so fucking confusing! Bitch lady, where’s my 250 silver?” She pulled out a purse from her pouch. “Mage, how the hell do you kill things with this thing?” “Deathamancio.” “Repzul, how much is that necklace worth?” He shrugged. “20 gold, maybe?” The broad screamed, and I sighed loudly. “That’s an original! At least 500-” “Deathamancio,” I shouted, and black light shot from the wand, hitting the broad full in the chest. She slumped to the ground as Mage screamed. “You’re not supposed to kill the cli-” “Deathamncio!” I shouted again, and Mage fell over sideways. Turning to Repzul, I shrugged. “Take the pants, the necklace, and the horse. I’ll take the money, the bag of magical shit and this wand. We never meet again, I don’t kill you. All right?” Repzul nodded.
A days travel later, I sat at my table in the bar, examining the contents of Mage’s magic purse. “Get the job done?” Tink asked me cheerfully. “Something like that... Could you take this 10 silver to Rent-A-Corp for me? An accident happened with that Mage I rented and I have to pay the fine.”
* * *
I recall the first time I laid eyes on the guy. Well, if you could call him a guy. He was a tropical-kind of frog, male, wearing a black hat over his head, not very tall at all. He walked over to my favourite table at my favourite bar and stood on one of my less favourite chairs, which made up for his short height. “Good day, Mr. Dogly.” “Not really, I’m still sober. What the hell do you want?” “Rainfrog, I want you to help me de-infesticate a forest.” “That’s not a word, I’m quite sure. And by de-infesticate... maybe disinfect? Is that the same? Anyways, what were you saying?” Rainfrog chirped, either amused or angry. “Geraldo forest is overrun with crocosaurs. Not that smart, but very strong, considering my size. Very unlike my last home, lovely tropical Pchunia swamp... Anyways, kill the crocosaur leader and the rest will flee.” I shrugged at him as I examined my fingernails. “If you say so. I’ll charge 200 silver, with a tack on of 40 silver to rent 2 knights. Understand?” Rainfrog nodded his large-eyed head as he pulled at the purse attached at his hip. “Tink?” She flew slowly across the bar, carefully avoiding a goblin that had passed out on the floor. “Whattever you’re about to suggest, I have a stomach flu, so the answer is no.” I handed her 40 silver. “I need a pair of knights from Rent-A-Corp. Preferably 1 black and 1 white, just to make things interesting.” “How bout 1 black and 1 paladin? The hyjinx always insue!” “Black and white.” Flipping me off, she set down her tray on a table and left. Rainfrog watched her leave as I shouted to the bartender, “Gonna need another round over here. You want anything, frog-boy?”
The sun had barely risen by the time Tink returned with 2 knights, dressed in black and white silver armor and carrying swords of each color. She kicked me hard in the ribs, where I lay on the floor, asleep. “Wake up, you drunk!” she shouted at me. Sitting up, I realized I had fallen asleep on my client, Rainfrog. Chirping, Rainfrog jumped on top of the table. “Onto Geraldo forest!” I motioned for the knights to follow me as Rainfrog hopped out of the bar. “You’re welcome!” screamed Tink at me as I left. “Ass.”
Later that day, we all stood in the shade of a large tree near Geraldo forest. “Fuckers, listen up! Rainfrog, tell them the mission.” The 2 helmeted knights exchanged glances through their visors. “Your job is to kill the crocosaur leader.” “Question? What’s a crocosaur and what’s their leader look like?” asked Black. “They’re cyan and scaly and walk on four legs with their bellies close to the ground. And Rainfrog was kind of hoping you’d know what their leader looked like,” Rainfrog said this last part to me. I marched into the forest, pointing at a single animal that matched the description of a crocosaur. “Fine, we start killing them until they’re all gone or we get their leader.” White stabbed his sword through the crocosaur’s head, which let out a whimper as it died. “There’s 3 over here!” I called from up ahead, as I pulled a crossbow off Black’s back and shot it at a crocosaur. Rainfrog sat watching, occasionaly shooting out his tongue and catching a insects with it.
An hour later, we were deep in the forest, leaving a long line of dead crocosaurs behind us. “Oi, Rainfrog,” I said in an undertone as Black and White tried to clean off their swords on the ground. “Are you sure that there is such a thing as a crocosaur leader? Because this is a frickin’ big forest, and everywhere you turn there is another ground-bellied lizard, which makes the job slightly harder than you originally suggested.” Rainfrog scratched his head with one of his lowerlegs. “I just assumed...” I sighed. “Are you telling me that I’ve spent most of the morning killing things- with a killer hangover mind you- and there is no such thing as a crocosaur leader?” “Well, somebody has to lead them!” Rainfrog said defensively. I sighed again as Black and White walked over. “Froggy dude,” Black said through his helmet. “Why do you want to live in this forest? It’s full of pines and it’s nowhere near water. You’d probaly like it more at Pchunia swamp. Better variety of insects too.” Rainfrog shook his head. “I’ve been banished.” I clapped his hands together in excitement. “Excellent! Let’s go kill that guy, then I can spend the rest of the day crossbow shopping. Who banished you?” Rainfrog scrunched up his face, as though in pain. “I suppose I just assumed I was banished...”
“I’ll never get this blood off!” White moaned to Black as he examined his white silver sword. Rainfrog hopped along beside the pair as we all headed back towards Milchenko town, home of my favourite bar. “Look at the bright side!” I sang over my shoulder at them as the town got closer and closer. “We’ve seriously depopulated Geraldo forest, in an hour we’ll be so drunk we won’t remember today at all, and I haven’t resorted to killing either of you yet!” I laughed loudly, before noticing that Rainfrog seemed to be speed sprinting towards town. I turned around and was face to face with a giant purple dragon. “Did you just eat a white and black knight?” I asked the dragon, who had dark blue eyes. The dragon shot a giant fireball straight up into the air, and that’s when I made a run for it.
I quickly slammed the bar door shut and ran over to Tink. “There’s a purple dragon outisde. Could I have another round?” She nodded, and headed for the bar. “Now what?” Rainfrog asked me fearfully, looking around at the wooden building as I sat down. “Well, I suppose you could worry about the dragon. Or, you could just kick back and call it a day.” Rainfrog nodded as he sat at the table. “I need a round too Tink! And you know,” he said in an undertone to me, “I didn’t much like that White motherfucker!”
* * *
I remember with the day I first met the monkey, with every point finely engraved in my mind. Well, technically he was a male gorilla of the albino-variety, with fur as pale as snow and pupils red as blood, but monkeys are pretty close to gorillas. He threw his arms as he walked over to my table at my favourite bar, which as far as I can remember didn’t have a name. “Sir Dogly?” he growled at me, and grasped my hand in a handshake. “Sorry, I don’t swing that way... I also try to stick with my own species.” The gorilla guffawed, drawing the attention of a lizardman on a bar stool. “Enough friendly banter,” the gorilla whispered to me. “I live in a territory of snowy tundra, with a couple of other albino gorillas. Recently, a dragon of red has moved into our territory.” “And he’s melting your snow, or some bullcrap like that?” “No, no. We like to play hide and seek. See the problem? Giant red dragon in the middle of white snow where albino gorillas hide in easily...” “Look, I don’t really care. Give me 100 gold.” The gorilla growled angrily as he picked out the money. “Tink-” “I’m right here,” she said from behind me. That fairy can move fast when she wants to. “I’ll take 1 knight and 1 mage today. But hurry up, it’ll take a while to get to snowy areas.” I handed her 20 silver. “What colors?” “Just go!” She flipped me off as she flew out the door. “Fuck, why does she always do that!? I mean, it’s not like I pay her or anything!” The gorilla nodded. “Mrs. Albino-Gorilla is exactly the same way!”
Early morning sunshine flowed through the door when Tink returned with a knight in bronze armor and a dark-robed mage following her. They carefully stepped over the dead lizardman lying on the floor. “Your names are now Black and Shite for this mission...” I explained to the Black mage and the Shite-colored knight as the four of us walked out the door. “Tink, sweep online!” the bartender yelled at her, pointing at the lizardman.
Almost 2 days later, we arrived in albino gorilla’s snow territory. “Before we make a go at it, I want to go through the plan,” I instructed as Black, Gorilla, and Shite huddled around me. “If either or both of you get killed, I have to pay for it! Does that make any sense to you?” “Well,” Black said, “We kind of pay too, being dead and all-” “Shutup. You work for a company which has literally hundreds of employees killed on the job, daily- you knew the risk when you signed up. I’m just saying- it would be nice if we could use teamwork in order to complete a mission without me killing my slaves or employer.” I couldn’t help it and started to laugh, in which Gorilla laughed too. “Funny man! Kill employer... Any-who, our job is going to be to paint a red dragon with white paint.” “No, the job is to kill the fucker! That’s why I brought the knight in case wiz-boy get’s deep-fried!” “Why kill the dragon when we could just paint it?” “I can barely paint walls,” interrupted Shite, “How am I supposed to paint a living creature, which moves and tries to set me on fire, while in a suit of armor, without any paint?!” Black waved his wand and a can of white paint rose from the snow. “Shutup, you turd-colored retard! Why the fuck can’t we kill it?! Cummon, I’m bloodthirsty and paint would just wash off eventually anyways!” “Not if you used water-proof paint,” a midget in hiking gear offered as he strolled past. “Dragon,” Gorilla pointed out as a giant red dragon flew over head, spitting a fireball at the ground, melting away a patch of snow.
“Deathamancio! Deathamancio!” I shouted, using my want to shoot off death spells into the sky. “Fast bastard, ain’t he? Fine, you two,” pointing at Gorilla and Shite, “can try to paint him white, while us two deathamancio him to death.” “No killing!” Gorilla shouted. “What if I just shot up a net to catch him in?” Black asked. “He’s coming back!” I shouted, aiming my wand in his direction. Shite aimed a crossbow carefully, and shot the dragon through the head. Black screamed as the dragon fell out of the sky and landed on top of him. I walked over and pulled Black’s hat out from under the dragon’s stomach while Gorilla frowned in my direction...
“I think this is the first time any of my rent-a-slaves have survived,” I offered to Shite and Gorilla as they all held up their steins in a toast. “It is,” Tink told me. “Of your 243 previous slaves I’ve hired, you had to pay the fine for 242 of them, including today’s latest bloke.” “Of course, now I have to paint dragon corpse white, so it matches the scenery...” Gorilla sighed. “All I can say is that you’re own your own, fuckhead!” I started to laugh loudly, and was followed by Shite, Tink, the bartender, and the golden retriever lying on the ground. “Unless you want to pay me more?” Gorilla shoke his white head. “Again, you’re own your own, fuckhead!”
* * *
I can remember with some clarity the day I met the giant yellow guy. I may have been enjoying a cigar, or eating some sort of meat on a stick... the point is, I was startled to see a 5-foot glowing bunny approach me. Tall for a bunny, but short by human standards, wearing a brown vest, his ears perked up as he sat beside me. “Mr. Dogly, I presume? I’d like-” “Did you realize you’re glowing?” I asked him nervously. Last time someone was glowing and sat next to me, they exploded in my face. “Electric bunny. As I was saying, I’d like you to help me in ridding the world of an evil wizard.” “Which one? Because I’ve made a devil-pact not to touch Queen Maris.” “No, not that one. It’s the spirit of the dark wizard Elolm. During a magnificant battle, I somehow managed to kill him in his human form. Unfortunately, his spirit was unwilling to die, and took a tree as it’s host.” “Just a tic- you want me to go kill an evil magic-doing tree, right? How can I tell which tree he is?” “There’s only one tree in Salvador castle who keeps swearing while shooting out fire and such. Drove king Salvador right out of his own castle! He asked me the electric bunny to find some way to destroy Elolm once and for all.” “Sure, what the hell. 290 silver and I’ll rent 4 axemen to turn Elolm into chopsticks.” “4 axemen, coming up!” Tink said as she floated past my table and out the door. “Thank you!” Bunny called after her. To me, he said, “She’s a sexy fairy bitch, is she not?” I shook my head at him. “She’s a moron, I didn’t even give her the 40 silver. By the way, cough it up!”
“Here are your fucking axemen!” Tink yelled at me, as she strolled in a couple minutes before sunrise. “They give touching me, and I told them I don’t go all the way unless they pay, but they’re thick as your ass!” “Dog puked!” the bartender yelled at Tink, who started hissing as she floated off. I looked the four axemen from left to right. They all wore the same clothing, same hat, same moustache and each carried an identical axe. “One, Two, Three, Four,” I said, pointing from right to left. “Let’s go bunny.”
It was around lunchtime the next day by the time we arrived at the drawbridge of Salvador castle, which was surrounded by a moat. The five of us followed Bunny as he led us into the castle and down a flight of stairs. A giant tree which sprouted from the ground grew up through a giant hole in the ceiling. “Fuck, it’s Thor the giant electric bunny!” a piece of the tree which was shaped like a face yelled. “And he’s brought a set of axemen and a bard to try and bring me down!” “You’re dead root!” Bunny shouted at Elolm as he pointed at him. “Two and Three, go chop him down,” I instructed them as Bunny and I hid behind a convinent box. “Do I look to you like a bard?” There were two flashes of red light and two screams. I looked over the box and counted only two axemen left. “Go One and Three!” I shouted, ducking behind the box again. “You sent Three all ready!” one of them shouted before there was another red flash and a flaming axemen ran past me up the stairs. “What’s this then?” a man wearing a red cape and a crown asked as he flowed down the stairs.
“Your pycho bunny servant is trying to kill me again!” shouted Elolm. “Yes sir, that tree has got to pay for all the lives he’s ruined!” shouted the Bunny as he stood up. “No, no,” jovily said the man I assumed was King Salvador, who laughed. “Elolm and I have had a nice little chat, and I’ve agreed to let him stay as long as he helps me take over the world!” Bunny looked taken aback, as his ears started hum as he glowed brighter. “Sir...” cautioned the giant tree, but the King had all ready pulled out a sword. Fuck it, I thought as I stood up, carrying my wand in hand. “Look, I honestly don’t care what’s about to traspire here, whether tree lives and takes over the world or Bunny lives and does whattever the hell he does. Me and my axeman are leaving, so don’t kill us.” “I paid you to help!” whined the Bunny, turning his back on the King, who threw his sword through Bunny’s back. Letting out a tiny scream, a giant thunder bolt shot from between Bunny’s ears, hitting Elolm, who exploded into sharded pieces of tree.
“Cripes, that was close,” Four said, twitching. “I thought Thor had finally killed me!” I rolled my eyes as Elolm the axemen walked over to the King. “Good job man! One less mouth to feed,” the King said towards Bunny, “and my death-mage is now mobile! I’ll own this world by the end of next month! Is there any way I can thank-?” “Give me 100 gold and don’t kill me when you enslave Milchenko.” The King nodded as he pulled 100 gold out of his cape’s pocket.
“I feel like devouring an entire chicken tonight,” I told Tink as I handed her 60 silver. “For the axemen, remember? Well, that and the fines...” “Chicken!” she yelled at the bartender, who yelled, “Chicken!” to the chef in the kitchen. “Well, I’ve probaly brought about the enslavement of the world,” I told her, and explained the whole story. She laughed. “Those axemen were dumb as dragons! The ‘Death Mage’ has probaly all ready gone an’ walked off a cliff!”
* * *
I remember every excrutiating detail of the day I met the girl. She looked human, except for her slightly larger eyes and long cyan hair which ran down her shoulders, wearing a dress of similiar color, and a small cyan-colored rabbit on a leash beside her. I remember staring at her, mouth slack-jawed, because she was gorgeous and was in a place like my bar. I was also surprised when she came and sat in my next chair. “A thousand pardons, but are you the Dogly spoken so highly off?” I nodded, eyes slightly glazed. “Excellent. Are you open for a job tonight?” “I’m always open for anything,” I told her, trying to figure out what her accent was. “In an hour, a horse-wagon being driven by a pair of ravenmen is leaving from Milchenko, heading to Barricho town. I would be most distraught if that wagon were to make it to Barricho and either of those ravenmen lived to tell the tale.” “I wouldn’t want you to be distraught...” “For you see,” she continued as I noticed how round her neck was. “There are another two wagons heading for Barricho town from two other towns. If even one of the wagons or their cargo were to survive, it would bring about a terrible reign of darkness unlike anything this world has ever seen. You would remove one wagon and one cargo, for there are two others groups doing the same for the other wagons.” I snapped to attention, turning from pleasure to business. “I believe that if a golem and a fire-troll were to attack that wagon, nothing would survive. But, I would need 80 silver to rent the two, plus 270 to end this ‘darkness reign’ I’d be preventing.” She smiled in approval as her rabbit on a leash climbed across one of my shoes.
An hour later, Golem, Troll, Tink and I sat behind a bush on top of a hill, lying in wait for our horse-wagon. “Fuck, she’s got you whipped,” Tink whispered to me when the other two weren’t looking. “If I’d have asked you to kill two ravens and torch a wagon, you’d have gotten 1 mage and charged me at least 400 silver.” “She couldn’t afford it,” I lied. I actually didn’t charge her full price because I wanted her unlike any other female I’d ever seen in the last month. “Fire!” whispered Troll as he set a small branch on fire. “Go!” I told Tink as a wagon drove past. “Excuse me, could you give me a lift?” I heard her say loudly on the other side of the shrubbery. “We’re making a delivery to Barricho, is that any use to you?” a loud Ravenman’s voice responded. “Now!” I shouted at Golem and Troll. The large rock-man jumped over the bush and onto one of the horses, which slammed to the ground while Troll started throwing fireballs off his fingertips at the Ravenman. Tink had moved quickly to the back of the wagon and was dragging out a large crate when a second Ravenman pulled out his club and started to chase her. “Shitheads!” I yelled at Troll and Golem, pointing at Tink and her pursuer. Golem ignored me, beating the crap out of the singed Ravenman while Troll was setting the dead horse on fire gleefully. I stared helplessly as Tink flew into a forest, still being chased.
Pulling a crowbar out of the wagon, I bust open the crate and pulled a large book out of the crate. “Set this on fire!” I yelled at Troll, who quickly enflamed the wagon before he started to gourge on the mostly raw horsemeat. “I’m finally free of Rent-A-Corp!” yelled Golem, raising the dead Ravenman over his head as he sprinted towards a set of moutains. “I will soon become King of the dragons!” I sighed. “What they make up for in brawn, they lack in brain...” “Horse-leg?” Troll asked me as I examined the book next to the burning wagon.
“I pray that your part of the mission was a success?” the cyan-haired lady asked me. “Wagon incinerated, horses dead, and with any luck both Ravenmen killed. Unfortunately, my friend got misplaced, along with the hired help... But what was so evil in that wagon, that it had to be fired?” She smiled at her rabbit on the floor. “A book of knowledge that our race is not yet ready to embrace. Many thanks to -” “You wanna do something sometime?” Laughing, she shook her head in mirth. That kind of pissed me off. “Dogly, you are a funny man; asking me for a romantic engagement in front of my husband!” The rabbit growled at me as it bit at my shoe.
It was almost sunrise by the time Tink got back, face covered in mud and hair full of twigs. I think she was pissed at me, because she slapped me hard in the back of the head. “ ‘Small favour?’ Next time you want a small favour, I’ll kick you in the nuts first! I had that guy chase me for an hour, until I finally offered him a free romp just to piss off, and right afterwards he got eaten by a giant spider! Fuck you, Dogly!” I looked up from the fire, in which the wagon’s book was burning. “Was it all for that book there?” she asked as her anger turned into curiosity. “Apparently, ‘The Dick-Tion-Airie’ is some book our race is not yet ready to read.” She nodded. “Full of black magic probaly. Or some sort of porno novel.”
* * *
I recall with some amusement the day I was approached in my favourite bar by a nun. It was just such a weird thing to see, considering that several different spiritual leaders had tried to close down the bar. Human, dressed from head to toe in a black dress, with the exception of her white hat, not a very young nun. “The heathen Dogly, are you?” she asked me. “Who the hell are you?” I asked purposefully, trying to piss her off. “I am one of the Quismalic nuns from up the street, at the church, you know? In the last week or two, our church has become infested by ghosts or poltergeists or something, and Father Josh said that one of the pastor’s cousin’s daughter’s maid-fairy hired you once with some success.” “Bad news travels well, does it?” I asked sarcastically. Something about this nun irritated me, and I was kind of hoping she’d leave without hiring me. But, the Quismalics are a persistant bunch... “100 gold should cover it...” she said as she pulled the gold out of a wallet in her shoe. “Suppose you’d want me to go hire an excorcist?” Tink asked as she served a stein of water to a nearby goblin. I chuckled as I devised a better plan. “No, they never work cheap. No, I’ll fight water with water; hire me an anarchist,” I said, handing her 20 silver. Tink’s eyebrows raised as she left. “I’ll expect you to be done by sunset,” the Quismalic told me. I smiled at her.
“Great,” muttered Anarchist at me as we approached the large, pointy church. “Kill the priest, you say?” “No, we’re after ghosts, remember?” “Sure, sure... wanna buy a knife? I sell great knives! Pocket-sized, long as your arm, curvy knives, forest knives-” “Maybe later...” I suggested to the wild-eyed anarchist as we went into the church. A small, child-sized ghost flew towards us, carrying a pile of books. “Can I offer you a songbook?” it squeaked at me. “ ‘Fraid we’re not hear to catch the mass, kiddo,” I told him. Anarchist’s left eye bulged as he pulled a large knife out of under his jacket and sliced at the ghost, who dropped the books and flew towards the ceiling. “You’re supposed to heal the ghosts souls, not kill ‘em again!” I said reproachfully to him. “Two ways to heal a ghost: hire an excorcist or blow up whattever the ghost is haunting!” Reaching into his jacket’s other pocket, he pulled out an oversized bomb and lit the fuse. “The Quismalics’ will hang you if you blow up their church...” I warned, as a larger ghost floated over from the altar. “I’m afraid we don’t allow live bombs inside our church, so could you please take it outside or put it out?” “Fucking ghost!” swore the twitchy Anarchist as he threw a bomb straight threw the ghost. “If I weren’t so lazy, I might try to stop that bomb...” I muttered as I walked out into the sunlight, leaving Anarchist to fight with the transparent ghosts.
“Did you remove the ghosts?” the nun asked me as I walked away from the church. “I don’t suppose that church would survive being blown up from the inside, would it?” I looked back as Anarchist ran at me. “Did you realize they’re is a lit bomb in there?!” he shouted at me. “You lit it, genius,” I told him, as the giant doors of the church flew over our heads in a fireball. I sniffed loudly as the church walls, broken into several pieces, fell over, knocking the roof to the ground in a dusty mess of broken concrete. A blue, screaming cloud of smoke resembling mashed-poltergeist wafted upwards. “Anarchist, meet the nun whose church you blew up. Nun, this is Anarchist. My work here is done.” I walked off without a second look back.
“You hear about the execution tommorrow at dawn?” Tink asked me, with a smirk on her face. “Oh my, really?” I asked in mock surprise, re-counting the hundred gold. “It wouldn’t be for that nutcase who blew up the church, would it?” “Funnily enough, it is! Some asshole brought the pycho into the church, and he just blew it up! Can you imagine?” “And the old zealot who hired the asshole is probaly so distraught about the church, she won’t bother to exact revenge on me- or, rather on the asshole.” “Some day, all the people you’ve fucked over are going to come and give you an ass full of cummupence.” “Some day is still far, far away...”
In one of the bottom layers of hell, Devil chuckled to himself loudly. “Dogly, you are an inexhaustable source of entertainment! Why would I bother coming up there and tempting people to do bad things when I can just watch this fucker cause mayhem and ill-will wherever he goes! Perhaps he's got a bit of demon in him..?” Devil chuckled some more. "Shututp, weirdo," muttered a rock, who, to be fair, was having a really bad day.
* * *
I look back with some distress at the day I met the pointy-hatted witch. Human-like, female, and a unfairly pointed nose (considering her young age), she flowed towards me in a flowing black dress of cut-off sleeves and other flowing dress parts. “May I sit?” she asked the wooden chair, which nodded at her. “Mr. Dogly, my name is Flo, and I have been sent of the behalf of the magnificent King Desparo.” I groaned inwardly- today’s job was going to be unlucky. You might wonder if the nodding chair was what gave it away- you might even ask me how a chair nods. But, it was the fact that my client gave me her name- always a bad omen. I was certain that her job might end fatally for me- or worse, it might involve some sort of actual work. At the very least, it was going to be a v e r y l o n g day. “King Desparo needs you to be an go-between between me and the army you’re hiring for him.” My brain sorted her rushed speakings into a simple statement: “He gives me moolaa to buy an army for him?” “Hee-yaa!” she screeched. “Yes please.”
I shrunched up my face as I waved for Tink to come over. “And by army, you of course mean-?” She blinked her long eyelashes. “Shit, I forgot to ask. Well, what kinds of armies do you have?” Tink appeared behind the witch and started to cut frantically at her own throat with her hand. I realized this mini-witch was not old enough to be very bright, and it would be best to break it down for her. “How many men does Reparo want and how much is he going to pay?” She raised her eyebrows and shrugged. Tink scowled at me, and I realized today was not my day: I was tired from the previous night’s fish-throwing contest, my client’s messenger appeared to be an airhead, and Tink was in a bad mood due to the fact she had just finished satisfying a gang of wandering barbarians somewhere out behind the bar.
Desparo Castle did nothing to lift my spirits; it looked like every single other castle, but more depressing. I marched across the bridge, followed by 50 swordsmen, 20 fighter elves, 4 black mages, 9 skeleton warriors, and my pointy-hatted witch named Flo. My newfound army had been paid for out of my own pocket, which I damn well hoped to be compensated for by this King. For a moment, I had a completely reasonable fantasy of myself back at the bar getting loaded with some erotic whore of a nyph, when a man wearing an electric blue cape approached us. “Ah, thought you’nt ‘at made it in time,” he said more towards the witch than at me. Fuck off, sir, I thought loudly. “Crepulalians are coming,” she said as she examined a round metal device in her hand. “You people happen to have anything to eat around here?” I asked, eyeing one of the townsmaidens hungrily as she stood watching. The King slapped me hard on the back while laughing loudly. “I ‘eard ‘ur a fuckin’ genius, Dog-erly! Di-n’t you just ‘ear ‘er? Crap’lalerialians ‘re a swingin’ our way!” I felt like turning into a screaming monkey and clawing his tongue out. “What on God’s brown earth did he just say?” I asked at the witch. She pointed her pointy nose downwards as the sky darkened ominously.
“Long ago, the Crepulalians of Castle Crepulalia began a vicious battle with the Despairaders of Desparo Castle, in an attempt to drive us from our land-” I rolled my eyes, “-and now, every year we take turns attacking eachother’s castle. I have a good feeling about this year- we’re probaly going to win.” She looked up again as the darkness flowed away. As the sun returned, I spun around in a very unDogly-like manner, letting the sunlight bleed into my eyes. “Wow, this is the most fucking retarded story I’ve ever heard. I mean, I’ve heard of Zombies eating their own death certificates, sure, and snakes trying to bewitch swords to attack priests, or the gorilla who tried to put a coat of paint onto a fully active Dragon. But this, spending all this money - by the way, pay up- 1500 silver, plus the 45 gold for all the skeleton warrior’s shields- and you do this every single year!?” The King paled as the witch pointed one of her long fingernails at me. “This year is different- we have a General who has actually killed people.” “ ‘id’nt Flo-ter tell yer th’t yer’are Gen-rall?” Dogly glanced speculatively at the witch. “Didn’t I tell you that you’re to be the General?” she asked meekly.
Dogly pulled Flo to an unoccupied corner of the castle’s courtyard. “Why did you pull me to this unoccupied corner of the castle’s courtyard? We’re not having sex- I’m very young and you’re not so much.” “First, tell your boss in whattever language he speaks that he owes me 2500 silver for his bloody army and my Generalling services. Second, tell your boss in whichever tongue he pretends to speak that he is not allowed to talk to me any more today. Third, convey to your boss in morse code if it suits him that no matter who wins this battle, whoever controls this castle afterwards has to pay the fines to Rent-A-Corp for his dead army of slaves. Capiche?” “Geez- don’t mess your tights, Robin Cheap.” She double checked her round metal device. “Crap- the Creps are coming quite quickly.”
About 10 minutes later, I was burdened in head-to-foot of dark blue armor, including a pointy blue helmet, a long and heavy blue sword, and a very heavy blue shield. My army of swordsmen, fighter elves, black mages, skeleton warriors and a pointy-hatted witch named Flo stood directly behind me, as an almost identical army of Crepulalians stood metres in front of us- identical if you could look past the fact that it was about nine times the size of the Despairaders army. “Shall we fight then?” the swamp-green armored man opposite me asked. I raised my sword and ran at Swamp-green.
A rather large battle occured. Oftentimes when a small army conquers an enormous army, the battle is called ‘Epic’. (The other way round is called a slaughter.) But of course, Epic is not a word I like to use, for it suggests significance, which this battle definetely wasn’t. Epic battles, are impressive and heroic, have grandeur or majesty, but mostly have a purpose. What happened? you ask. You know how Epic battles are- lots of weapon-on-weapon fighting, blood and guts, skeleton warriors walking around like sword-cusions; every guy’s fantasy of a good time. It’s all rather boring, but I’ll point out some of the highlights:
“Hey Flo!” I yelled at her, slicing my heavy blue sword downwards through her broken nose down to her right shoulder. “Bad witch...” I muttered at her bloody self. It was very malicious, but I felt justified in her demise.
“I’ve been shot Dogly!” yelled a skeleton warrior as he clutched at the arrow in his chest. “Deathamancio!” screamed a Crep. wizard, throwing black spell after spell at the fallen skeleton. After dispatching the wizard, I clutched at the skeleton warrior as best as I could, laying him on the ground. “Am I going to die?” he whispered to me. “Beats me- never tried a death-spell on a framework boy like yourself before. Wanna just lie here till the battle’s over either way?” “Sure- why not?”
Most of both armies lay dead on the ground, the few remaining fighters ran away in all directions, leaving me and Swamp-green locked in a sword on sword combat. “How could you defeat us? We had so many more...!” “Beats me,” I said, shrugging. “I’ve never heard of a bad guy winning an outnumbered battle. Especially considering my luck for today.” Swamp-green retracted. “Dogly? Is that you under all that armor?” “Maybe- did I kill your mom and sell your dad to a bunch of witches?” “Nope.” “Hmm... did I set your barn on fire and brutally fling you cows with a catapult?” “No- you killed my dad and slept with my sister.” “Oh yeah! What was that, like a year ago?” “Fifteen years this Smarch. What have you been doing all this time?” “Same old- sex 20 hours a day, work for 6, sleep for 9. You?” “Killed my sister and mom, ran away to train dragons at The Freak Show, joined the Crep. army.” “That old story... say, you wanna go get something to drink in Milchenko?” “Sure!” Swamp-green sheathed his sword, which is when I swiftly sent his head flying with my sword. “Working at The Freak Show? That’s low...”
“Me’h fuckin’ fuck-slut Flo-ter iz de-ad!” King Desparo whined at me as he threw a man-sized purse at me, full to the brim with silver. “Could have been worse chap- she could have been pregnant,” I replied airly, anxious to leave this loud man with no grasp of the English language or accent. Oh, and kind of a pedaphile, giving Flo's young age in contrast to his seniority. “Her waz pregso! Me’ ‘eir, deadest on dat der battelgroun’, befor’ birth!” Pregnant, I didn’t care, one way or the other, as I shed off my blue-metallic armor and left. I didn't care that there were hundreds of corpses lying everywhere, with a lot of soldiers on both sides lying there semi-alive. I was too busy looking forward to falling asleep on a nice wooden table at my favourite bar, after several rounds of hard mead and later on regurgetating the hard mead. Because after all, what's the point in working a hard, tedious job, if you can't just say "Fuck off, it's time for me to relax and spend this hard-earned cash."? Dogly quickly forgot the toils of the day, as he walked home alone, cash jingling in his pockets.
Head straight to the disclaimer?
Do you ever get that feeling that you've drunk too much chilled soda pop? I do. (Only at work though.)