His
plug over the chatroom was for a seb (sex eyeball) and that he have a
place in Cainta. He macked me, seeing my plug, which says
“Pasig-Marikina area, anyone care to chat and perhaps later meet.”
After the usual preliminary questions: Age, sex, location, stats, picture,
he wanted us to meet. I declined. He insisted. I was tempted… I fought
it… I fought it real hard… Hard, as a matter of fact, I was already
home when I gave up and bowed down to his invitation.
It
was eleven in the evening. I was in front of LRT Santolan Station. At that
hour, the place was almost deserted and that it was mostly dark. He came a
few minutes after me. He was at the other side of the road. He had me
cross the dark over pass and at the foot we met. He was about as tall as
me, hair cropped really short, gelled to make it all the more clean look.
He wasn’t exactly good looking but nevertheless he looked okay.
He asked me almost immediately where are we to. I told him it’s
up to him—thinking about his plug over the room, saying he got a place.
He asked me if we could first seat for a while at the steps of the
overpass to talk and that he has a confession to make. I thought he was to
tell me that that was the first time he would do such or that he lied
about having a place… I was wrong.
He started by saying that he wasn’t gay. Fine by me, I thought,
as long as we are to do it—what, it had been almost two weeks!!! But
then, it was just the prelude to his long story, which I have no choice
but to hear. Well, I was there already.
The
story was that he, Raymond, met someone at work. Let’s call this guy
Jay. Jay was new at work and so Raymond took the responsibility of looking
after him and befriending him. He said he had no hidden motive to doing
such. It was just as he would do with anyone. Or so, he claimed. Anyway,
from that they became friends… close friends… What he didn’t
anticipate was that it would draw him to want to be closer for comfort…
if you know what I mean.
Here was what happened. Since they were friends, really good
friends, already they started telling each other’s problems as many
friends do. Jay had problems with his family and that one time he
couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to leave. He sought help to Raymond,
asking him if he could crash to his place even if for a few days only.
Being that they were good friends and that he lives alone anyway, he told
him he could crash for as long as he wants.
Raymond told me that his place was just a small room with a bed.
The bed was too small but could very well accommodate two people. At the
first few night nothing happened. Not that he was hoping or at least
thinking something would happen, or, again, so he claimed, between the two
of them other than sleeping in one bed… but nothing happened. But then,
one night, in bed, as they were sleeping… Jay had his back on Raymond
when he accidentally turned to him and had his thing bumped on Jay’s
ass. It was an accident, he didn’t mean to, and I am inclined to believe
so… Well, sharing a single bed with someone, such things were bound to
happen.
It just bumped. He withdrew automatically. But then, Jay felt it
and that he wanted more… well, he pushed his bum to him… after some
more of that, his hand moved to feel him… after some more of that…
they found themselves naked and Raymond fucking him…
With
that, you would think that his problem was of not understanding why he did
so. It could be assumed that he was in what we call the denial stage.
Maybe, he was aware of that but making a room for the idea that he was
just a man and that he got aroused: libido. I thought that was what he
wanted me to tell him… it was the thing he wanted to hear… but then
the story wasn’t over yet…
Raymond
reminded me that he was not gay. I let him be. And that Jay was not gay
too. He believe so for Jay had have girlfriends before and that he enjoys
screwing women. He knew this, as they were friends and that they have
talked about it in their manly banters. But then, something happened
between them—Jay had himself fucked in the ass. He wonders…
…?
This
was nothing unusual, I thought. Don’t you?
After that night, they pretended nothing had happened and that they
remained friends. Jay went on sharing the bed with Raymond and that
nothing happened the following nights. They went as good friends, went
with their manly banters, nothing changed… Well, they pretended nothing
had happened when actually there was…
There
was nothing wrong with that—with pretending nothing had happened. Come
on, don’t you still think truth and honesty is over rated? They
pretended nothing happened and stayed friends. That’s a good thing. The
truth may set you free, sure, but to what world would it set you free… a
cold and lonely world full of pain.
At
that point, I interrupted him to ask if the reason he insisted to meet me
and tell me all those things was because he saw my webpage (this webpage).
He had no idea what I was talking about. I then asked him what does he
wants from me: if he just wanted someone he could tell all this—to let
it out—or that he wanted my advise? And that if he wanted my advise
would he want the truth or should I sugar coat it?
He said both.
Clearly, I’m not getting laid.
Okay, on with the story…
He
reminded me, again, that he was not gay. But after that night he started
feeling something for Jay… and that it deepened and now he was in love
with him… He said sure, he admitted, that Jay wasn’t the first man he
had sex with but the other men was just for a need—calm a libido in rage
or something. And with Jay, it’s different. Perhaps, it started as just
that, libido… but now, he could no longer deny it. He loves him.
Finally came the day, Jay said he was to go back home. Raymond
didn’t want to, telling him that he could stay but Jay rebuked him by
saying that what happened between the two of them was just that, they
could never be, and that he just did it out of gratitude to him for having
him stay with him. Nothing more. He didn’t want it.
Hurt as he was, he let him go and just went on being friends. They
went on being friends.
Came
the day, it was Raymond’s turn to have a problem and that he needed a
place to crash. Jay had him in their house (he stays with his family). One
evening, about three in the morning, Raymond woke up with Jay seated in a
chair beside the bed watching him sleeping.
Jay asked him if he had slept already. Raymond said yes. Jay then
went to slip beside him in bed to sleep. Raymond wasn’t able to sleep
again and found himself touching Jay… For the first time, he went to do
the work… undress him, let his tongue roam all over his body… took his
manhood into his mouth… sucked him deep… swallowed him whole…
“I have myself be gay just to make him happy…” he said.
I laughed hysterically.
Hey,
that’s so funny.
After
that night, he wanted him… he needed him… like water… like air…
Raymond told Jay this. He so didn’t want it. He even went to the point
of calling what happened between them as dirty and that he should no
longer speak of it as it would make him look down on him.
Hypocrisy at its height!
But then could we blame him…?
Here
is Raymond who, despite admitting to me that he is in love with Jay,
sucked a cock because of love, still insist that he is not gay.
Could
we blame them?
Ever
since, I don’t think I did once felt ashamed for being gay. People tried
to make me… did work somehow but I never apologized for it… Perhaps
because I never really think that it was my fault… it was just… and
that that is who I am. I stayed true to myself and to them: this is me,
take it or leave it. I guess that is how I gained their, my family and
friends, respect. That and because I maybe gay but I am the one person who
could hold things together. I am the one person who would be left standing
and therefore could be hold on to when things start to fall apart. I maybe
gay but I am one strong man.
I never apologized for it. People could believe and say whatever
that is they want to believe and say about gay men, I don’t care… I
won’t care… We shouldn’t care. But I guess not everybody could be as
hard as I am. Not everybody could take on the whole world… and taking on
the whole world could really be scary… could I blame them if they
chicken out and chose to be more practical… bend down and conform…?
“So, what should I do?” Raymond asked.
“You really are in love with him,” I said it in a manner of a
question but it was more of a statement, making a room for him to contest
it.
He nodded.
“Then you just have to bare it all and just be there…”
I saw through his eyes that that wasn’t what he wanted to hear…
I felt sorry but that was all I could give him.
“Don’t you think there is any chance for us to be…?”
“There is, if he finally choose to the damn the world and stop
lying to himself… but most of the time men would rather die than to do
so…”
“I wanted to avoid him… but I just can’t do it…”
“You can… it’s just that you don’t want to…”
It’s
twelve-thirty in the evening. We were at the steps of the over pass of the
Santolan-Pasig LRT station. The lights were long out and that it was dark.
We don’t know each other… we are not friends… In a few moment we are
to say goodbye and perhaps won’t see each other again… I started to
hope I was wrong…
