Hoping For a Miracle,
Settling For a Dream
One may read the above mentioned title and think to themselves, "How is it possible for someone to settle for a dream?" Dream, after all, is defined as imaginative thoughts indulged in while awake; a cherished desire. You would think that if a person's dreams came true, they would be happy and content. Some dream of being rich and/or famous, some dream about one day visiting the moon, and in my case, many people dream about being in love. We fantasize about finding that one special person and making a life with them.
I've grown up surrounded by happily married couples. My parents recently celebrated their 24th anniversary. My grandparents are going on 52 years. My brother met his wife when he was 15 and she was 12. Today, 9 years later, they have been married almost 4. No one in my family has ever been divorced either, and I come from a big, Mexican family. How do you like that for statistics! So that was me, living my life watching countless, happily, married couples that all have stories to tell about how they met young.
I used to swear with all my heart, that I would be different than the rest of my family. I wanted to enjoy my teens and early 20's. I wanted to live the young life: go to college and parties, have friends, and most of all freedom from any type of commitment. That was my plan in life, to live my "young" life, then after all that was done, I'd settle down, get married, and have a family.
All that changed when I met Dan. I was just a 15 year old girl, putting chicken in a bucket to earn spending money. Then, one day in March of 1999, a handsome 19 year old walked through the doors at KFC and swept me off my feet.
A few months later, I was lying in my bed, surrounded by vanilla scented candles, writing in my journal. Through my writing I had discovered I had fallen head over heals for him. I had fallen in love! To this day, every time I smell a vanilla candle, I can recall the way I felt the exact moment. I realized my life was never going to be the same.
On our 6 month anniversary, we went out for our first official date. We ate dinner at a little diner, then went and saw a movie. That night, I had returned to my bedroom and found myself confessing my feelings once again to my little blue book. "Tonight was amazing! I wanted to scream out to the whole world that I was so in love! I can't help but wonder if 6 months from now, will we be celebrating out year anniversary? And then out 2nd, and third?... "I remember thinking for the first time, that I wanted to spend my life with him.
Two years later, I found myself alone once again. The love him and I shared was nothing close to perfect. Over the years we had broken up quite a few times, but within weeks always found our way back to each other's arms. This time was different. We had been separated for almost 4 months, and more than ever, I was missing him. Sure, I had my old life back. I had enrolled in college, was hanging out with friends every night, going to parties, everything I had used to dream about. Except, it wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted to be with him.
Being with him was out of the question. I had heard from a mutual friend that he was seeing a girl closer to his age named Jamie. This was confirmed one night when I was driving past his favorite hang-out, the bar, and saw him walking hand in hand with her.
To celebrate, I threw a party one night my parents were out of town. After a few drinks, I was feeling fabulous. I was dancing all over the place, calling everyone I knew and asking them to come join all the fun. I guess I had too many drinks, because before I knew it I had dialed Dan's number. When he answered the phone I had frozen. After a second of silence, something inside me broke. I began by telling him how much he had hurt me. Then proceeded with "I hate you." Luckily my friend Rachel had walked in and took the phone from me. She explained the situation and apologized for bothering him. Meanwhile, I had sat in the corner under the desk, crying as if i was trying to create a new river.
I am told the party went on after I had cried myself to sleep. I just remember waking up in my bed the next morning, not knowing what had happened. Rachel filled me in, and immediately I had felt like such an idiot. Why did I call him? What did I say?
Later that night, I had a few friends over, but stayed away from the alcohol. Everyone, including me, was still trying to recover from the night before. By midnight, I was alone again. I had tossed and turned in bed all night long. Just when I had finally fallen asleep the phone rang, it was Dan. It was his turn to vent, except no one interrupted his drunken speech.
