I couldn't even tell you how many times I sat and dreamed about the future I had hoped for us. I had our lives planned out for the next 50 years. Right down to tears in his eyes when he asked me to marry him, to the color of my bridesmaid dresses, to the way our 3 kids were going to be raised. Now this woman, Jamie, was going to be living my dream. She was going have his baby. Even though they weren't together at the moment, I feared he was going to marry her. It was all too much for me to handle. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I even contemplated admitting myself into the hospital. My life was over.
At 4:30 in the morning, there was a knock at my patio door. I didn't want to get up and face whoever was there, but something inside me told me to see who it was. When I opened the door, there stood the man I loved, with tears streaming down his face faster then water dripping down glass when it rains. I didn't know what to do. I turned away and sat on the edge of my bed. He let himself in and shut the door behind him. We were surrounded by vanilla scented candles and silence.
Nothing was said from either of us, we both just sat there in tears on opposite ends of the bed. I watched the clock tick away as the sun began to rise. I laid down and buried myself in the covers. He sat there, with his back towards me, repeating he was sorry.
At 6:23 exact, he began to explain himself. Confessing how much he loved me and saying that he needed me. He admitted to making a big mistake with Jamie. Even though I was hurt inside, i still couldn't just watch him express his torment. Without saying one word, I had put my arms around him. He looked at me, and once again, shared his feelings about what life would be like without me. We embraced for what seemed like forever. He pulled away a little, looked me in the eye, and said the words I dreamed about hearing from him.
"Will you marry me?"
I answered his question with the most passionate kiss I am sure I will never be able to replicate. We fell asleep that morning, holding each other tighter than we ever have before.
Less than 2 weeks later, we had moved into our first apartment. I was sure, life could not get any better. Every night we fell asleep together, and every morning we awoke next to each other.
My mother and I began making wedding arrangements even though Dan wouldn't set a date. My dream was coming to life. It wasn't some fantasy in my mind anymore.
It didn't take long to realize that the things that broke us up in the past, were still a problem between us. He didn't like the fact that I wanted to hang out with my friends, and I didn't like the fact he spent so much time at the bar. We began fighting all the time about every and any thing. A few nights, he slept on the couch, and one occasion I slept at my parents house.
Many arguments later, I had thought we came to an agreement. He would stay away from the bar, and I would only hang out with my friends when he was at work. That seemed to be working for a while, until the day I found a ticket issued to him for parking on the street. The address of where he was parked was clearly written, but he still denied being at the bar.
I was wrong about our agreement and with so many other things. I must have been a fool to think that the silver ring I wore around my finger was going to change things.
We were so very much in love, but in our case, love was not strong enough to keep us together. Or engagement lasted a grand total of 5 1/2 months. I moved back home and he remained at our old apartment.
This brings us up to the current date. A week from Valentine's Day and feeling so incredibly alone. One month short of being our 4 year anniversary.
I am secretly hoping for a miracle that something will happen and we can be together again. That we will have the opportunity to finish what we had started.
At the same time, I am living my old dream. The one I first mentioned in this story.
I am living the "young" life: going to college, spending time with friends, and just trying to enjoy my time. Although, after the events that have happened over the past few years, I'd be lying if I said I was happy. So I settle for contentment.
A dream: something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances.
