allsmilez

Watch and Learn

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically to talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn--this thing must be an hour fast!"

What do I look like?

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak in the roof, can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof is gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then. and as she walked throught the door, and the husband asked, "Honey, how come there arn't any leaks and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."
"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.
"No. He just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him," she said.

"Cool, what kind of cake did you make him?" asked the husband.
"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?"



	11 Kinds Of Asians 01 - The Racer This kind of Asian is known as the Racer. You will decipher them from the cars they drive. Usually it is a Acura or a Honda, and they are lowered. Some may be lowered one inch, and others may be so lowered that they sometimes scrape the ground and make scratching sounds. The owner may or may not care about the muffler or pipes or whatnot sweeping the floor. They are probably too engrossed in the stereotypical Asian women gawking over their cars. As long as there are women looking at their cars, then they do not care about anything else. 02 - The Brand Named Men Now, these men are "Brand Name Men." This means that they do not wear typical clothes. Oh, no, they can't. They have to be cool like the rest of their brother's and sisters and wear NAUTICA, POLO, DKNY, TOMMY, and anything else that is really expensive. Though they know that there are half a million people wearing the same shirt, they still want the Style. They think that they will be cool as long as the other people wearing the same clothes are cool. That means, as long as they smoke weed, drive lowered cars, and beat up people at Serramonte, then they are still cool. To accentuate their shirts, they have to wear matching brand name pants. Their pants have to be made by the same maker of their shirt. That means, if they wear a TOMMY HILFIGER shirt, they have to wear TOMMY HILFIGER pants. That usually means the socks have to match. Oh, I can't forget the shoes. Sometimes, if a cool Brand Namer cannot afford the expensive pants, then they just wear the regular kinds. That means they make sure that the top part of the pants exposing the brand name will be covered at all times. THAT, of course, means that they cannot wear their pants around their ankles. Knowing this, these Brand Namers usually save up as much money as they can so they CAN buy the matching pants, and then sag it and wear it around their ankles to fit into their cool crowd. To add on to this, some brand namers may want to look even MORE cool by wearing a hat. This, obviously, will be the same brand as the rest of their clothes. Sometimes the hat will be forwards, or backwards, depending on what the trend is. If a brand namer really wants to get a girl, then they will buy some underwear or boxers made by the same expensive brand. They will sometimes bring the girl to a corner, lift up their underwear/boxers and say, "Hey look how cool I am. I matched my hat, shirt, pants, socks and shoes by wearing the same underwear/boxers. I bet you really want to go out with me now." Usually, the dim-witted superficial girl will say, "Oh, hell yeah. Only if I can tell all my dope home girls and show them what a cool guy you really are." In the end, the girl and guy will probably walk around Serramonte wearing the same clothes, matching each other. Then, lonely Brand Namer will be attached to a Brand Namette, forming the common superficial Bay Area Asian couple 03 - The Cage Dancers These Asians are only seen in clubs. They are the ones behind the metal barred cages dancing like animals. There are two different types of the caged beasts. The first, and GOOD kind, are the actual dancers that have talent. They are the ones that belong in dance groups, and they are the ones that actually have a reason for being in the cages. The ones that we are talking about today are the no talent, scantily dressed, completely made-up, hoochie-mama, "look at me because I want attention!" slutty type of girl. The first way that you spot these is the way they dance. You can tell if they are off beat, and if they remove their clothing. They are usually the freakishly made-up ones, swinging their legs and spreading their legs in the cages. Sometimes, the real brave ones try to imitate monkeys and climb to the top of the cage and hang there. The ones that like to do this are usually wearing skirts and g-strings, and sometimes just skirts. They climb up there and hang, letting the whole club see their private parts, most likely all rotten and spoiled from excessive usage. Sometimes, these girls invite other girls like them (their friends, most of the time) and they start freaking each other, like lesbians. They feel all over each other, exciting all the dirty guys, who sometimes try to climb in the cage with them. If the guys are successful and allowed participation (99.9% of the time), then they start playing a threesome, in French words known as a ménage a trios with clothes on. If the club is not strict, then they will attempt to remove all clothing and proceed in their dirty, prostitute and nymphomaniac sexual procedures. In the end, the crowd is either disgusted or excited, and then, the girl's clothes (purchased from Forever 21) will most likely be stained, ripped, or dirty, and the day after the club, they will return from the guys house that they had just slept with, and go to Forever 21 and try to return the clothes or get an exchange because, "Hey, we BOUGHT the clothes like that!" 04 - The Puffy Jacketers These people are easy to see. They consist of many women and men of the Asian race, and they all wear Puffy Jackets. They are not the regular jackets that are 1 inch thick. They are the jackets that are like pillows. The same Jackets that the Eskimos or Skiers wear in the freezing cold. Of course, they will have to be brand name (See number 2). They will be around 5 inches thick, and usually some really bright color so that everyone can see them. They come in Orange, Yellow, Blue, Red, and sometimes even fluorescent green. On these pillow jackets are the brand names in big flashy letters. Sometimes they are on the back, and are around 3 inches wide exposing the words "POLO" or "FIRST DOWN." Now, these people are easy to spot because they are year round. These people do not seem to care what season it is, because they continue to wear their jackets in pride. It could be 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside, but these Puffy Jacketer's refuse to take their jackets off. It seems to act like a sanctuary. It surrounds them, and is so thick that you cannot see their necks. You can also hear them. If you are sitting in a doctor's office and a Puffy person comes in, you will be able to close your eyes and listen to their movements. As they sit down, it will sound like tissue paper being slowly crinkled. If they walk swishing their arms, you will constantly hear the swishing of their arms brushing against their jackets. Therefore, you will never be in danger of one of these Puffies sneaking up on you. Just be alert, and you will always be safe. 05 - The Clubbin Women Asian women are usually thought to be the quiet and obedient kind, but times have changed. In the Bay Area, these women have grown quite cunning. Instead of luring in men with their intelligence and interesting personalities, they have found a faster, and more convenient way. That is in their clothes. They seem to wear these clothes not only TO a club, but even to the supermarket. They wear these clothes everywhere. To the park, to the bank, even to church. Now, in Serramonte Mall, Daly City, there seems to be a quaint little shop called Forever 21. For these clubbing women, or girls, I should say, this is their favorite store. Not only are the shirts .99 cents each, their clothes are perfect for clubbing. There are holes where there need to be holes, and sometimes the company's material is so thin that the bras are see through. Not that these girls mind. They like it like that. This way, the Brand Name Men will be so enticed by their flat chests, that these girls will not even need to say anything before the men start crawling over. Unlike the old days where women used perfume, they use any kind of cleavage and skin. Not only do they like see through tops and little tops, they also like see through pants. Most of these girls like to buy the white pants, because then they can buy the .50 cent g-strings that Forever 21 sells. Since the pants are white, these girls will buy black thongs just to make sure that it will be visible through the white pants. It is to eliminate competition. If a male were to see two females side by side, they would go for the own showing more skin. That means, if a girl was wearing a tube top but no see through pants, the guy would definitely drift to her friend, who happens to be wearing a tube top and see through pants. This way, the male can stare and drool at her gluteus maximus, then go home and spank his monkey. If he gets lucky and the girl likes him, then she will go home with him and relieve him of that duty. Of course, this will lead on to a baby, and then the male will drop out of school and work at a gas station while the woman goes to the mall and applies for a job at Forever 21. Thus, the cycle continues. 06 - The Asian Africans Now, this is a hard one. These, you cannot spot. You actually have to talk to them in order to know they have this disease. If you do indeed try and have a conversation with a lowly Asian African, you will have to notice their speaking pattern. If you ask them how they are, they will most likely respond, "I'm chillin, nigga." If you ask them where they work, they will respond, "Nigga, I ain't workin' right now. You's trippin." This is a serious disease. It's called, "Identity Crisis." These poor Asians seem to think they are African American. They like to use the derogatory word, "Nigga," which is what an African American uses to call his/her brothers/sisters. They seem to call everyone that, as a symbol of their "hardcore-ness." It's a sad disease, but nothing can be done. It comes from an African American language, "EBONICS." These poor Asian Africans cannot be changed unless they do it themselves. Logically, I think they get confused because their parents are seemingly Asian. Therefore, the only way these people can fit in is if they claim to be half Black themselves. Another way is if their whole group of friends speak the same way. Then they do not need to claim to be of mixed blood. They just become a group of "Asian African Americans," and if anyone decides to think differently, then their brothers will certainly beat them up. Most likely at the Serramonte Mall, where the clubber women will be watching and flaunting their bodies, and where the teenies will be watching and learning from their role models. 07 - Teeny Boppers These are little girls and boys around the ages of 12-16. Sometimes, this symptom carries on until they are 18 or 19. These little suckers are not hard to spot either. Sometimes they even run into the "Brand Namers" category, but that is okay because this category is a branch off of that one. To start off, some of these Teenies are really short. Given their ages, they are mostly around 4 feet to 5 feet. They do wear the puffy jackets and clubbing hoe clothes, but the difference is that they are still in Middle school, and some have not yet gone through puberty. They are little tykes that used to hang around the Serramonte bus stop (before they took it down 1 year ago) and get into fights. They call themselves names, like, "Crazy Bebots" for the girls, and "Real Filipino Boyz" or something like that. They like to use their crayons that they stole from school and tag all over anything they can reach. This means bathrooms, walls, buses, bus stops. Anything. The boys usually hang around in clusters and walk around the mall. They try to pick up on the bopper girls, and if they are lucky enough, they get them into bed later on in the week. This results in getting phat props from their boys, and they are known as "players." The girls, on the other hand, wear the same clothes from Forever 21 (of course, they are tailored to be made shorter because they are smaller than the regular hoes) and usually the bottoms of their jeans or slacks are stapled and tucked in. Since they have no breasts, the can only wear baby tees. But, they either tie the back of their shirt into a knot to make is shorter, or they cut it, so they can expose some skin. Sometimes, their hair is curled and plastered to their head, or whatever the trend is. They usually parade through the mall in swarms, giggling and smiling to the bopper players. They even try to get numbers, and sometimes, they compete to see who can get the most. Eventually, they get picked up on, and end up sleeping with a little player. Thus, these little girls are known as "beginner sluts." 08 - The Singers These people think they can sing. When they were little, they probably saw some TV show with some singer on it that inspired them. They think they can sing, and sing well. Usually they get together their friends and sing. Sometimes they will sing a modern song, but THEIR version. They will usually tells girls, "Hey.... you know... I SING." And the girl, dim-witted as she is, will be all flattered and impressed. If they are on the phone, the girl will say, "Sing something to me." and the singer will then say, "Alright," and start to sing some crappy love song with the tones all mixed up and his voice all cracking. Of course, the girl will not notice, and if she does, she will not tell her friends that. She will tell her friends, "Oh, guess what.... he SANG to me!!" Sometimes, she will even have him perform on her voicemail. And then, her friends will be so impressed and try to hook up with the friends of the singer, whom, of course, also sing. Thus, these girls will tell their friends that they sing, and their friends will tell their friends, and pretty soon you get this group of guys that have a reputation for singing. Not only will they sing to the girls, they will sing in Denny's, at Serramonte, basically anywhere that there are girls. Now, in Daly City where 80% of the population think they can sing, they probably don't sound that bad. Most likely this group of singers will try to get some label to sign them, perform at some club, and get nowhere. After awhile, they will probably end up doing the same routine, which is getting a girl pregnant, dropping out of school and working at a gas station, while the girl becomes the manager at Forever 21. 09 - The Mall Rats These types are only found in Malls. Hence the name, "MALL RATS." You know how you go to the malls and you eat at a fast food place, let's say, McDonalds, and you just happen to see these people there? Usually, they are the TEENYBOPPERS, (See number 5) ages from 10-16. They are the ones without cares, otherwise they would either be driving (see number 1) or sitting in the cars of the Brand Name Men (see number 2). Usually, they walk around in little swarms trying to attract attention. They walk around in a Hard core style (see number 6) or they try to attract girls by singing (see number 7). They like to follow around their idols, which are usually the older types of gangster wannabes or Asian Africans. If there is an Arcade, then most likely they will be there either watching their idols play a video game, or playing a video game themselves. They never buy anything because sometimes they have no money because they are too young to get jobs. Even if they do get jobs it will most likely be some poor paying job because they have no experience. To continue, they walk around the mall continuously trying to pick up the opposite sex, and then around 6:00p.m. they get on the bus and go home. The next morning, they are there again. If they are Mall Rats at Serramonte, the girls will most likely be found at Forever 21, either wishing they worked there or watching their idols dress like sluts so they can learn to dress like sluts too. 10 - The Asian Voicemails If you ever want to hear a pathetic Asian voicemail then you can call (650) 301-####. Just type in the last four digits, you can use anything. Most likely, you will get an Asian voicemail. Recently, someone emailed me these numbers: (650) 301-0781 or 0782, 0783, 0784, 0785, 0786, 0787, 0788, etc. Also, (415) 709-#### work really well, too. You can try any of those, for someone just emailed them to me and said they were classic examples. Anyhow, I would suggest that you just listen to them, because you don't know them and hey, it IS their privacy. But anyway, whatever. But this is how it works. You call, and the line picks up. You hear this really loud music, usually rap, or some love song, and after about a minute into it the girl would start talking and saying something in a whisper, which you can barely hear, and most of the time you can't hear at all. If it's a girl, it will most likely be a sappy love song, and she'll say something like, "Yo Yo wassup, you just got to babyhoneysugarlover's voicemail. (NO SHIT!!) Leave a message after the tone, and I'll surely get you back. But before I cut, I just wanna say wassup to my babyhoneysugarbooger lover boo, you know who you are (in case she has more than one). But I also wanna give props to my niggas 123, 321, 420, 430, 543, 304, Jon, Joe, James, Jake, Jane, Jesse, Jack, Janelle, and for those that I missed, I luvs yah and you'll never be forgotten. Aight then, much love to all ya'll and I'm out." That is the typical voicemail. After she is done saying all the crap, which you can't hear, then you'll hear the music for another five minutes, and finally the beep. If it is a guy, then you will hear rap, or his own little clique singing. Then he'll say something like, "Wassup nigga this is Romeo's voicemail. Ya'll bes leave a message after that tone, and I'll gets yas back. Before I cuts, though, nigga, I wanna say sup to all my hardcore homie G's, and all da playas out there. All right den niggey, I'm outs." Or some crap like that. Then you'll hear some really loud rap song in the background for about 10 minutes. These people are so stupid that they need to shutup! 11 - The Asian Online Typers These people are only found on the Internet. They only like to TyPe iN lOwErCaSe aNd UpPeRcAsE lEtTeRs AlL mIXeD Up bEcAuSe EvEn oN tHe InTerNet ThEy nEeD tO aCt AlL hArD. They don't care how straining on the eye it is to read; they don't care how ugly it looks; they don't care how long it takes for them to type it, as long as you can tell that these people are so cool and soooo Asian because they type like that. People that do this usually sit in front of the computer and try to attract girls in the chat rooms. They usually type all hard also, like, "HeY NiGgUh, I aM sO FiNe I KnOw YoU wAnT tO sEnD mE a GiF. Most of the time, they don't know what a GIF even is. They just know that it means PICTURE, and they want pictures of girls. These people also use abbreviations when they type, like, "MaN NiGgA I wUz At A ClUB laSt NyTe aNd dA gUrLiEs WuZ Da bOmbs yO! I wUz lIkE ThAt BiTcH OvA DeRe NeEds TaH Cum OvA tO MaH PlAcE aNd LeT me GiT At hEr!" Usually, it takes them about five minutes to type what would take a normal typist 1 minute. These people are really irritating, and once they get off America Online (Which Sucks) They'll most likely hit the malls (if they are young) or go to work at their Gas Station or Forever 21.