| [[august 24 o3]] well i have a lot to write about today cuz i got a lot of feelings mixed insida mee rite now. a whole lot of feelings. im gonna start with the friendship issue cuz thats whats bothering me the most. i think that person, and persons, are starting to get the picture. i think theyre starting to understand who im talking about. and if they dont then they better get the point pretty darn soon. i mean i didnt really care at first cuz i guess at festival i was the one that excluded myself. but thats cuz they were together and whenever i went with them they didnt really talk to me and we had different work shifts and i had other friends there. but its like they wont forgive me for it. and theyre rubbing it in my face now. i was hella excited cuz i get to see some of them more at skool n stuff, but its not all exciting and wonderful ne more cuz they dont even like me. im hella sad... n i kno they wont read this cuz they dont care. they dont even talk to me on aim ne more so they wouldnt look at my profile.. i look at theyre all the time jus to see if ne things changed and nothing has, nothing will. n before i was saying "well i have other friends n i dont realli care" and all that shit but ive finally realized that they meant so much to me. they were such an inspiration to me and we always did stuff together. we always hung out, we had our lil clicks, a lot of them too. we shared stories, played as a team. we did almost everything together and it helped me out a lot especially since theyre older than i am. but i guess thats one of the reasons i jus dont fit in ne more. i feel a lot like someone that got excluded a long time ago. but i dont think im getting left out for the same reason. that girl was doing stuff and hanging out with people that got her into trouble n we didnt want that around us. biut its not like im doing drugs or ne thing. i guess i jus have too big of an ego for them. or theyre jus tired of me following them around and going to them for advice. and i think the thing they hated most about me was that i cried all the time. ive never seen ne of them cry, i cry like a baby all the time. id hate me if i was them too. but even tho i kno that im wrong a lot, it still hurts cuz i thot friends forgive each other and talk about the problems they have n stuff. i thot they were always there for each other, not turn their baks. especially all at once. n i guess i wont be going to the "senior trip" cuz im not even gonna be a senior at the same time as them. before they invited me.. now i doubt they will. they dont want me around ne way. and even if thats not tha case, they probably wouldnt come ask me. even if they dont hate me or arent trying to exclude me on purpose, they probably dont care, or dont notice that im hurtin hella bad inside. if i was in their position, i thot it was kinda obvious that you mite be hurting someone. but when i was in that position, i guess i really didnt. like one of our clicks. we had four people. and one girl was kinda sad that she was left out. n she told me that so i told the rest of the girls. and guess what, it was five people in the click. but its not gonna be that way this time. cuz my first initial jus doesnt help spell ne thing in their click..........it just doesnt fit in the word. so theres no way theyre gonna let me in. no way....... and i thot i was over with my "teen crisis" but i guess im not. not with all this shit happening. haha i said this is what ill start with. i gues i got too worked up in it. i think ima cry :( but im not going to. actually i dont really feel like devastated sad.. i realli.... dont............ n i dont really have ne thing else to write about... n im not in the condition to write ne more. just hope that i live to see them go off on their senior trip without me.. |
| [[august 25 o3]] i was jus reading some of my old e mails n convos n stuff... its real sad how things change so fast. i was reading one email that i sent out to everyone last year saying that iwas sorry for being such a baby all the time when i was having my crisis. n iread one of the replys from yall kno who. she was like "after everything you jus told me ive realized that you are a tru person" and "there realli should be more people like you" or "your always gonna be the same girl to me, the one thats always there for me and that i can go to" but she cant ne more huh. she never will come bak to me. she has other people now, specially one that she "got to kno a whole lot better and have so many things in common with" they have the same taste in guys, but they didnt always. before they had different taste in guys, actually i had the same taste as the other girl. but yall kno who influenced her n convinced. now everyone on the team has the same taste, cept me of course. n im realli not excited for skool to start cuz it jus seems like i dont have ne friends there ne more. before i was like "yeai have a lot of friends that are gonna be juniors" hahaha i realli dont do i? |
| [[august 26 o3]] well today im actually feeling a bit better. a good friend of mine **cough*TOBY*cough** helped me with my problems. hes very straight forward and demanding.. which is what i needed. thanx bro!!! now that i think about it.. he realli helped me get over it. haha i feel GREAT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHINGS GONNA BRING ME DOWN DAMNIT!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha i dont think ive ever felt this good.. ever. other than that i much find something to do.. or aaron will get mad at me hahahaha I DONT HAVE A RIDE... NE WHERE!! plus im not allowed to leave the house when im home alone.. and my best friends started skool already.. i almost forgot about that. i got a findapix message from RACHEL.. that was nice. i love rachel. shes so funni n i love the way she sounds so hesitant.. no offense.. i jus think its realli cute. hahaha. dont worry your not as slow as leslie.. or keyon. lol jp. k well i dont have much else to say.. i must enjoy the rest of my GOOD DAY!!!! |
| [[august 27 o3]] i dont kno what it feels like to be truely happy.. i gotta go tothe doctors again hea pretty soon. to get another physical and to check my "problems" haha i hope they dont put me on no drugs cuz i hated taking those. but yea ne way. i think thats mostly the reason for all my non happiness. cuzza i mite be sick n all. haha n yesterday my mom called n shes like dont get a cold or nothing! n im like i wont.. not a cold... a lot of stuff is happening rite now. like with "him" but i jus dont think im ready for ne thing rite now. i jus need to get my head straight n wait for everything to get better. iono how long its gonna take, n i gotta wait to find out about my brain tests or whatever. fuddging tests. so if your reading think i think youd kno who you are, but i need some time. sry. and everyone else, jus talk to me like nothing was wrong with me ok? its jus better that way. i was a lil bit happier when nothing was wrong. i jus wish i could go bak to feeling like that again. i wish i could be 6 again cuz i didnt have ne problems back then. no mental probs, emotional, physical, nothing. i jus wanna feel that pure happiness again. i jus wanna live in my house, with my parents, doing my homework after skool, and then going out with my friends and not feeling sad about ne thing, not having to live with what i am now. i jus wanna go bak, way bak :'( :'( |