It's impossible to be a Mom, and a Dad, although I tried. My son also had to suffer right along with me when I was in abusive relationships. Like myself, many YMs need a partner to to make them feel complete, to survive financially, and often get stuck in unhealthy relationships because there isn't any way out when you depend on them for so much. Some men seek out dependent women since that's the only kind of woman they can control. This generally turns to abuse. Who knows the lasting affects this has on the children. All I know is my son will be 20 this summer and he's a mess. People tell me, "Oh, don't blame yourself." Children are a product of their environment, that's a fact. Yea our screwed up society participates a great deal too, but if parents don't take the blame then whose fault is it? I hate people that go around and blame everyone else for their problems. I refuse to do that. I know my son would have been better off if I had given him up for adoption. I think I was selfish to keep him and raise him when someone could have given him a better life.

The offspring of teenage mothers are more likely to be poor, abused, or neglected than those of women who delay childbearing, and they are less likely to receive proper nutrition, health care, and cognitive and social stimulation (Annie E. Casey Foundation, 1998; Maynard, 1997). They are also at greater risk of lower intellectual and academic achievement and social behavioral problems - one study found that children of teenage mothers are almost three times as likely to be incarcerated during their adolescence or early 20s as are the children of older mothers (Maynard, 1997)

I am now 36 and have several young nieces and nephews. I've noticed the differences in how I deal with them, as compared to how I dealt with my own child when I was so young. Sure people always have more patience when the child isn't yours, but the difference is more than that. I know in my heart I'm better with the young children in my life now than I was for my own son. Sure I did my best, most of us do, but our best isn't nearly good enough for our children. Just think if you are say........16 and reading this now, think back to when you were 12. Consider your interests back then, your ability to deal with certain situations, and how you chose to deal with certain things. Think about what was important to you then versus now.

Think of particular situations that have occurred in your life since then and what lessons you've learned from them. We as humans change and grow as a result of our environment regardless of our age. We learn what we live. Just think back a year ago and think of the changes you have undergone! So many YMs say that they can give their children the love they need. I don't disagree with this. Most people are capable of showing affection and love to anyone, especially their own children. BUT.....can they pass on the learning that is only acquired through age, and life's lessons? No they can't because they haven't experienced them yet. I'm not talking about teaching them the alphabets, or to count, or even how to use the potty. I'm talking about how do you teach them values, how to respect themselves, and how to respect others, how do you teach them discipline when you may not have any yourself? Is it a control thing? Is having a child at such a young age just a way of having some control over your own life? and it just so happens to be the easy way of getting it, or the popular way, or simply a away out of some other situation, like living hell with parents?

Looking back, I realize that I was learning how to do these things for myself while I was trying to raise my son. I wasn't able to focus on him alone when I was trying to cultivate my own identity, and figure out who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I was in my late 20's when I finally figured it out.

Now in my early 30's, I think I have a pretty good idea about life in general. Some things I learned from mistakes I've made, some things I've learned form wise people in my path through life, some things I learned in college. Looking through my years as a Young Mother, and know what help I wish I had had then, and what wisdom I wish I had learned earlier. As a Young Mother, I think we all tend to take defense the moment our belly's begin to protrude with life. And for a damn good reason! There are so many people telling us, "Oh you'll never make it." "It'll be too hard on you." or just plain damning us with their dirty looks. During my pregnancy, no one wanted to help me understand what was happening to my body, how to care for it, how to prepare myself emotionally for my child. Once I had given birth, there were books from the local library to teach me "how" to care for my child, but what about me?

Since 1983 many things have changed. ONE: We now have the wonderful world of the Web! To provide places like Young Mothers, Young Positive Parents, and Teen Moms & Teen Wives. TWO: We have people like Jill, and Connie (Honorary Members of YMU), and even myself, that speak out about this issue, making people more aware, forming support forums, and care services. THREE: There are scattered agencies beginning to pop up, to help US! Not places to teach us how to change diapers, and make formula, or how to support the baby's neck, BUT places to help us grow emotionally, and mentally in a healthy positive way so that we may learn how to be a better parent.

This is a place to offer my wisdom, what I've learned from living the life of a Young Mother, now able to look back and see things I didn't see then. My advice is only what it's called (A.D.V.I.C.E.) I'm not trying to be a shrink, a doctor, a social worker, or a counselor, only a friend. [disclaimer]