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Without blaming anyone, I suggest we take a look at respect. To start with, we need to look at the beginning. The beginning was birth and separation for the mother and child. For the adoptive parents, the beginning was the discovery of being infertile or being unable to bring a child into the family any other way.
It was like a big plane crash in a field. All the mothers and babies lying there crying and the rescurers came and carried them off in different directions. When they got to the Emergency Room, they dusted them off, told them they were fine and sent them on their way. The mothers went home and the babies went to new homes. All were told they were fine. The most sacred relationship in the world has now gone up in smoke. They were told that there wasn't any accident, no crash, forget about it, just get on with your life. The new parents of the babies were told the babies were fine and they should treat all the babies as if they were their own. As If. That's a great little phrase. As If.
As if is sort of like treating my cat as if she is the German Shepherd dog I really wanted. But I get so frustrated. She won't fetch, she doesn't bark at the door and she won't get my slippers. I love her, but I get so angry she doesn't behave the way I want her to. As IF just doesn't work.
So what really happened to each of those mothers and babies from the plane crash? As I see it, there is no substantial differnce between the experience of losing a child to death and losing a child to adoption except:
If there was a real death of a child shortly after birth, the mother's family and friends would have gathered around and said to her I am so sorry your baby died. You must be sad, let me comfort you, I know you hurt, let me ease your pain. I know you must be angry, let me help you. There would be a funeral and grieving and acknowledment of what really happened, and there would be a grave to go to and there would be validation and healing. This mother would be given respect.
Instead, the mother who loses her child to adoption experiences the psychological death of her child, but instead of comfort, she gets told she did a brave and noble, unselfish, loving thing and she must forget about it, go on with her her life. No one wants to help her talk about it, acknowledge it, cry about it, or mourn the loss of her child. So the loss becomes almost unresolvable. The grief stays stuck in her body and keeping pain in is destructive. She has to go into a kind of shock to survive, hit the pause button on her life and she goes numb. Life is forever changed. You can't really live that way, but you can exist. She gets no respect.
If there was a real death of a mother shortly after birth, at some point, the child's father would tell the child that mommy died and it is so sad that this happened to you and you must hurt, let me comfort you and ease your pain and I know you must be angry, let me help you.... and there would be pictures and stories and a grave to visit, and grieving and eventually the child would find out that mommy didn't die on purpose. This child would be given respect.
Instead for the child whose mother gives her up for adoption, the child suffers the psychological death of a mother. But she is told that she is special and chosen and lucky. She is supposed to forget that there was another mother. Make believe this is your only family, make belive that all is well. As IF it is your own. The message is that it is a good thing your mother is not there for you, is dead for you. You are not allowed to be sad about it, acknowledge the pain, anger or sadness, perhaps even to yourself. The grief gets stuck in your body and keeping the pain is destructive. (So is keeping in anger and sadness). The child has to go into a kind of shock and to numb. You can't really live that way, but you can pretend. And we adoptees are great pretenders. This child gets no respect.
What would happen if one of your mother's died today and you were told you couldn't cry, you couldn't go to the funeral and to make believe she never existed. What would happen to you? Take a moment and think about it. Isn't that what happened to most of us, in some way?
It occurs to me that if we really had respect for the mother and the child we would do all we could to preserve the sanctity of that relationship and not separate them at all.
If the mother and child could not possibly stay together, then giving her respect when she lost her child, the mother's family and friends would have gathered around and said to her, I am so sorry you couldn't keep your baby. You must be sad, let me comfort you, I know you hurt, let me ease your pain. I know you must be angry, let me help you. And there would be grieving and acknowledgment of what really happened.
If the mother and child could not possibly stay together, then giving the adoptee respect when she lost her mother, the new family would say you must be sad, you lost your first family, it's okay to cry about it... I'm sad too, you must hurt, let me comfort you, you must be angry, let me help you, be with you and hold you.
If adoptive parents got respect, they would have gotten complete information on their adopted child and the truth about the effects on their child of losing the first family. The Adoption Agency and others would have acknowledged the sadness of infertility or inability to have a child on one's own. Their pain and anger would have been would have been acknowledged and they would have been encouraged to grieve the child they couldn't have on their own.
Ignoring the realities of adoption increases the pain and hurt. How can anyone function well if they're told that what is true isn't and what isn't true is? For example, what if I lose my leg in an accident right after birth? And they tell me I didn't lose my leg right after I was born, I was mistaken. But it hurts, mommy, and yet it still feels like something is missing. And I keep stumbling around AS IF I had only one leg (they wouldn't lie about that, would they?) and I don't know why I'm having trouble managing as a two legged person....
Our society doesn't want to ackowledge what has happened to all of us, to give us respect. And truth be told, I lost more than a leg, I lost my mother. But wait, I got a prosthesis, a new mother, a substitute. Why doesn't it work just as well? Respect is truth, no secrets, absolute honesty. We can all deal with the truth. Have we in adoption had our eyes wide shut? Isn't it time they were wide open?
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