| Portia: Runs to Kurt. *Oh Kurt, I was going to run off with that band of Hindu faith healers, but then they told about their vows of celibacy and I realized that I couldn’t leave you…Kurt…I love you!* Kurt and Portia kiss passionately. Travis enters. He is dressed like a golfer or a doctor or some other well to do yuppie neo-bourgeois. Travis: Portia, you didn’t make the bed this morning…Oh! Hello Kurt. – His voice on the last two words is fraught with malice and disdain, thus the italicization. Kurt: *Travis? What was all that about Hindus?* Kurt begins to grow emotional. Travis: Oh, how sweet, he didn’t know…where are your clothes? Portia: Kurt, I’m sorry! Kurt: How could you do this? Why couldn’t you have just gone out and screwed another bus full of mental patients, or another gang of chlamydia-ridden bikers, or another group of traveling nuns? Why Travis?! Portia: *I’m sorry, Kurt!* Travis: I’m not! Kurt: *You son of a bitch!* Julianna: What are you doing here Travis? Travis: I’m thickening the plot by revealing that I’ve been banging Kurt’s girlfriend, thereby ruining their reunion. Kurt: *Well, Travis, you’ve done me a favor. I know now that I can never trust Portia again. Now I am free to love Julianna, as I was destined to!* Julianna: *Yes! Let’s get started!* Travis: Oh that’s fresh! What are we in Arkansas here? You want little freaks with three fingers and no teeth for kids? And jeez, Kurt, don’t you know that sleeping with your sister is like playing on a losing team? Kurt: Well, Travis, our sister just told me some very interesting news about our familial ties. Travis: To Julianna: Oh the moron finally figured out he was adopted? To Kurt: I guess now you understand why kids at school always called you Dumpster-Baby. Kurt: They even put that on my high school diploma. Portia: You were adopted? Travis: Ha! Found is more like it. Isn’t that right, Dumpster-Baby? Portia: Wait Kurt! I can’t blame you for wanting to leave me, but there’s something you need to know…*I’m carrying your child.* Kurt: What? I don’t have a kid. Travis: She means she’s pregnant, jackass. Kurt: And it’s…mine? Portia: Yes…at least, I think it’s yours…it’s someone’s. Julianna: Kurt, don’t listen to her! She’s just trying to lure you back. Don’t let her seduce you into her den of evil again, Kurt. Kurt: But if I’m to be a father, I have a responsibility to Portia and to my child. Travis: Your child? When’s the last time she’s actually slept with you as opposed to the random fast food employee or close relative? Kurt: Well, no exact date comes readily to mind, but I’d say…sometime this fall, maybe. Travis: Hah hah, congratulations, Pops. Julianna: *Please, Kurt, you have to stand up to her some time. |