It’s yaoi..and Ruhana…I don’t know how many fanfics I’ve read that are Ruhana so I got influenced I suppose..hehe.. ^_~ Actually, I would label my fic more of a shounen-ai fic..because it’s about love and has nothing even mildly hentai..thank god..hehe..I can’t stand that stuff… *shiver*
Umm…I gotta say..please have mercy on me if the story’s just unbearably crap…-_-“ Please send me comments and criticism to tell me what’s wrong with it..even though I pretty much know what is…hehe…
Written in first person, because that’s the only way I know how to write..^_^” + Maybe Sakuragi’s way too OOC…I dunno, but I guess he changed or something…err..just read it and judge it for yourself! Haha.. ^.^
Hope you enjoy it! *bows*
~Lanie
One
It looks like he's sleeping. His raven hair showering over his eyes, his thick eyelashes matted and sealed, his chest rising and falling gently and his mouth slightly open. He sleeps just the way he used to in the days where he would fall asleep on his bike, after practice, in class, anywhere. He sleeps in exactly the same way. The only difference is that now he won't wake up.
The doctors say that he can hear us. That he can hear us when we talk to him, that talking to him might help wake him up somehow. The only problem is that I don't know what to say anymore.
I never imagined that there would be a day that I would as speechless as this, that I would be so quiet, so silent, so still. But then again, I never imagined that there would be a day that I would actually be sitting here, watching him like this, feeling so utterly lost just watching what he has become. I'm losing myself. I can't put together who I used to be and who I am now anymore.
Some days are worse than others. Some days I come in and sit beside him, and just by looking at him, a stinging knife twists in my heart and I find myself with my head buried in his hands, crying uncontrollably and saying things that I never thought I could bring myself to say. Some days I feel like hitting him so hard, hitting him out of this sleep that he won't wake up from, cursing him with more venomous insults than those I threw at him before this, hitting him because of what he's turned my life into - a pointless existence where all I want to do, all I want to see, all I want to feel ... is him. And some days are like today, where I don't know what to do, where I don't know what to say, where I simply stare and stare at him and don't know how to stand up and walk away. I don't understand. I don't understand any of this.
Someone tell me what I'm feeling, because ... I don't understand. Someone tell me why I'm feeling this way for anyone ... let alone him.
And now I'm staring at him, his motionless fingers, his pale skin, and I wish more than ever, with every ounce of energy in my body, that I could hear that monotonous voice of his one more time, that I could hear him say, "Do'aho" just one more time.
How long has it been? In my mind it's been forever. But on the medical record it's been three months. Three months of these incomprehensible emotions. Three months of this hurt, this pain stabbing at my heart and breaking me down bit by bit. But I can't break free from this. I just can't bring myself to let go. Why? Why am I going through all this for .... him?
I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I only know that I'd give anything to hear his soft voice again, to see his blue blue eyes again.
Am I waiting for that day to come? I don't know if I'm waiting for him, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I just know that my life's been torn apart since he became this...this vegetable person. I just know that I don't know how to carry on anymore. I just know that I'm...tired.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse at myself from the outside and I feel like laughing. I'm supposed to shrug everything off, tell everyone that I'm invincible, that there's nothing I can't do, that I'm a genius, tensai Sakuragi. But now I'm here, stranded, stuck, feeling my heart wither away with this motionless body in front of me, this beautiful but frozen being who I don't know whether is alive or dead.
How did it become like this? When did he become so able to influence me, so capable of turning my life upside down? When did he become the one who could put such a deep ache in my heart, such a painful longing in my soul, such a stinging bitterness in my body...when did he become the one that I simply can't live without?
And now I feel so incomprehendibly cold, rooted, confused... I close my eyes and try to breathe. I can feel a waterfall of tears run down my face and neck once again, but I can't bring myself to wipe them away because my hands are frozen, trembling stiffly, holding persistently onto his body and willing for him to wake up. I'm crying...again. I'm crying yet again ... for him.
I hate to admit it, but I miss him. I hate myself for admitting it, but I miss him.
I have so much to say to him. But yet I can't bring myself to say it. I can't bring myself to tell him how much I miss him, how much I miss his presence in my life, even if it appeared as nothing but violence and contempt ... just that I miss him, more than I ever thought I could miss anyone in this world and this life.
I can feel myself shaking uncontrollably, wheezing from too many tears. I feel so... ashamed. I feel so ... pathetic. But yet this emptiness inside me keeps pushing my tears forward, and before I know it, I'm crying so much it's beyond my control.
Since when did he have the power to hurt me so much? Since when did I ever hurt this much?
God, this hurts .... my heart ... everything hurts ...
Something rests lightly on my shoulder. I open my eyes in alarm and hesitate.
"Kitsune?" I whisper. Could it be ... could it be him? Could he be ... awake?
I look up hopefully, as quickly as I can manage, and trace my eyes over Rukawa's face ... to find nothing but disappointment. He's still asleep, his eyes sealed tightly shut, his silky hair like a black halo cushioning his head. He isn't awake.
"Sakuragi?" I hear a voice question, a mellow voice drenched with sincere concern. It's a voice I recognize.
I try to wipe my tears away before I turn around to meet the worried stare of Kogure.
"Megane-kun..." I cough to clear my breathless voice.
"I thought I might see you here..." he says.
He walks over and stands beside Rukawa.
"Konnichi wa, Rukawa-kun," he smiles at Rukawa, shaking his limp hand lightly as if he was actually conscious. "it's Kogure here. The rest of the guys couldn't make it today...gomen nasai. Anyway, I've come to visit you instead."
I don't look at Kogure. He saw me crying. Crying with my head on Rukawa's arm. After all my efforts to try and avoid seeing any of the guys from Shohoku here at the hospital, I actually let him see me crying just now. How stupid. I turn away, feeling ashamed and lost. I don't know how I'm supposed to act. I feel stuck between who I have become and who I used to be. I remain silent.
But somehow, Kogure doesn't let an unnerving silence get between us. He sits down in the chair opposite the bed, and looks at me with eyes full of vague understanding.
"You haven't turned up at basketball practice for months," he begins. "we're all worried. What happened, Sakuragi?"
I look away from Kogure. How am I supposed to answer? What am I supposed to tell you, Megane-kun? That I can no longer look at a basketball without thinking of Rukawa, without feeling this unbearable ache in my heart? That I can't do anything anymore, that I don't know how to carry on, simply because he's not here with me anymore? That I .... that I can't just go on without him?
"Shohoku can't cope without the tensai..." Kogure continues, trying to get me to talk.
I still don't know what to say. The truth is that the tensai can't cope without the kitsune. But when even I don't understand the truth, how will you?
How did things become like this? I hate myself for becoming so weak, for thinking these pathetic things and feeling these abnormal emotions. I hate him, I hate him for leaving me like this and turning my life into such a disastrous nightmare.
And suddenly I feel an explosive hatred arising inside me layer by layer, ticking and about to explode like a time bomb.
"What's wrong, Sakuragi?" Kogure leans forward and asks me. "What's wrong? Tell me, please..." I can feel his sincere concern through the tone of his voice and the expression in his eyes, but it's too late. The time bomb in me has already exploded.
"You tell me!" I yell, springing up and out of my seat. "You tell me what's wrong with me!"
And the next thing I know, there are tears running down my face once again.
I rub the tears away from my cheeks with the tips of my fingers and shove them in front of Kogure's face.
"Ha!" I laugh sarcastically, gesticulating to try and control this burning pain inside my heart, this nauseous sensation making me feel like I might burst. "ha! Look! The great tensai is crying! Crying!!! And for what? For that!"
I point violently in the direction of Rukawa, still lying motionless with his eyes shut. Looking at him just makes me want to run back and hold onto him again, to cry on his arm until all my tears run dry. I look away, tears still running irrepressibly down my cheeks.
"For that damn kitsune! For that stupid ..." I trail off. I can't talk anymore, because I can hardly breathe anymore. I can only hear myself wheezing with an unstoppable flow of tears. I slip down onto the floor and kneel there, afraid to look up at Kogure, afraid to look up at Rukawa, afraid to do anything anymore, afraid to go on..to go on without him.
"Why.." I sob, my head in my hands and my voice wavering like a woman's. "why does this hurt ... so much ... Why ... kitsune ..."
Kogure kneels down next to me and puts his hand on my arm. There's something about him, something about him that gives people the impression that he has all the answers. But still I can't stop crying. How will I ever face Kogure again? How will I face Ryocchin, Micchy, Gori, Youhei,...Haruko-san.... and everyone else at Shohoku? I can't face them. I feel so ashamed...
"Sakuragi," I hear Kogure say. "don't go looking for the answers..."
I look up at him, frowning, confused. I don't understand. I don't understand anything anymore.
"...searching too much only makes you hurt more..."
Kogure stands up and pulls me up as well. He stares at me, then at sleeping Rukawa, then back at me again.
"There are no answers..." he says softly, adjusting his glasses. "there are no answers to the questions you're asking."
I watch Kogure as he turns and bends down to get something out of his bag. How can there not be answers? As long as there are questions, there are answers. How can there not be answers? I don't understand.
I never knew that life could just stand still like this. I never knew it was possible to feel so hopelessly empty, to think so much about one person that it aches, to yearn for someone so much that it hurts. But it's possible. And I hate the fact that it was this stupid kitsune, this block of ice, that taught me how much it can hurt to be without someone that ... that you just can't seem to live without.
Kogure turns back around briskly and I can see that he's holding a basketball in his hands. He tosses it up lightly and smiles.
"I've brought you a gift, Rukawa," he exclaims, walking over to the bed where Rukawa is lying lifelessly. "a gift from the whole team." I watch him as he places the basketball underneath one of Rukawa's arms and taps it loudly.
"Wake up and get back to work, super rookie!" he laughs, tapping Rukawa gently on the head. "Shohoku needs you!"
And then Kogure looks back at me, smiling encouragingly as if saying silently, "That goes for you too.."
He pats me on the back, slings his bag back over his shoulder, looks straight into my eyes and says, in a firm voice full of certainty, "Have hope, be strong, and start again. Never give up." And with that, he walks out of the hospital room.
I sit back down in my seat next to Rukawa, reflecting on what Kogure said. "...searching too much only makes you hurt more..." Is he asking me not to ask why I'm feeling this way ... because of Rukawa, but just accept it?
I stare at Rukawa, at this lifeless but still beautiful form of Rukawa. He is beautiful...so beautiful that it hurts. I shake my head immediately and look away from him. What kind of thoughts are these? Even he wouldn't accept them. How am I supposed to? How can anyone, for that matter?
"..there are no answers to the questions you're asking." All questions must have an answer. I don't understand what all of this means. Someone tell me, please, because I don't understand.
And before I know what I'm doing, my fingers are slowly brushing his hair away from his eyes, my sharp tears falling hard onto his frozen skin.
"Kitsune..." I breathe, trying to hold back my tears but not succeeding. "not only Shohoku needs you..."
"I do too....the do'aho does too...more than anything...so wake up...please..."
Notes: Corny? ^_^” I hope not..
Can you feel the pain? Well, I intended to make the reader feel the pain somehow…hehe…even if you just feel a little bit…
Continue if you want to… ^_^