I open my eyes and look around me. A sharp pain jabs my back and I get up from my hunched position. I look down at Rukawa, still not awake, still with his eyes closed, lying here in front of me. I rub my eyes and flick my ruffled hair away. I fell asleep here last night. I fell asleep next to him again.
How many nights have I been doing this for? Falling asleep next to him, I mean. How many nights have I done this? Even I have lost count. I sigh heavily. Why am I doing this anyway? Why am I here? I don't even know why I'm here anymore.
I feel so tired. Tired of waiting for something to happen. Tired of waiting for my life to go on the way it used to. Tired ... tired of waiting for him to wake up.
My watch reads 8:15. The world hasn't stopped yet. Though my world has, the world outside hasn't stopped yet. And life just seems to drag on.
I stand up and turn around to pick up my coat, stuffed messily on a chair nearby. I need to get going now, I think. I need to go to school.
At the beginning of this way of life I just couldn't bring myself to just go to school like I used to. At the beginning getting on with anything was impossible because I couldn't stand to be away from him. Away from this cement-still version of him, even though I always knew he was no longer here with me. But now I'm getting used to it. Getting used to going back to school, used to drifting away during lessons, used to staying silent and not knowing what to say to anyone anymore, used to having my mind occupied with nothing but endless images of him, used to having nothing matter except running back here after school and just sitting here, just watching him, used to falling asleep next to him and going through the whole cycle again day after day. I'm getting used to this. I'm getting used to this longing and emptiness transforming me into someone completely different, someone no longer carefree and proud, someone no longer childish, naive, and loud-mouthed - someone who is already ... half dead inside.
I need to get going now, I think. I stand by the side of Rukawa's bed and I touch his arm lightly with my fingers, not uttering a word but just watching his chest rising and falling ever so slightly, watching him in this deadly but yet so peaceful sleep. And this twisting hurt in my heart while I'm watching him like this makes it so hard for me to tear myself away from him. But I tell myself that I need to. That I need to get going now. That, like every other morning, I need to go to school now.
I wonder if he acknowledges my presence with him. I wonder if he acknowledges this way I say goodbye every single morning, this only way of saying goodbye that I can manage without bursting into tears all over again. This goodbye that I've passed on to him day after day. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he can feel it. But I don't want to wonder anymore. I don't want to stare at him anymore. I don't want to feel so tired anymore.
My fingers touch his icy skin gently for one last time this morning before I tear my eyes away from him, turn away and walk out of the room.
It's getting so cold outside. Maybe even colder than his skin. I shiver and quicken my pace.
The Sakura blossoms are falling all over the place. Scattered carelessly all over the road ahead of me, trailing persistently along with the wind as if joined by some kind of invisible string of white-pink. There is still beauty in this world, after all.
I wish ... I wonder what he would think if he were here to see this. He would probably not think anything of this at all. It would probably be too girlish to think highly of autumn flowers for him. I look down once again, ashamed. If he knew what I was thinking ... if he knew what he has become to me ...
I blink and shake my head. I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want to ... I don't want to think anymore.
I sigh once again. I feel ... so tired. So, so tired.
I close my eyes but continue with my footsteps. One foot in front of the other; left, right, left, right... That's right, concentrate on your footsteps, Hanamichi...that way you won't think about him...that way life won't be so endlessly tiring...
"Oi! Hanamichi!"
I stop and turn around slowly. Youhei is running towards me with a smile on his face.
Am I supposed to smile back? Kami-sama...I..I can't smile anymore...
"Hi!" I hear Youhei say, standing beside me and slowing his pace into a walk.
My footsteps automatically follow as well.
"Hi." I nod a brief greeting, then look back down at my feet.
I can see Youhei looking at me at the corner of my eye. He's looking at me with eyes like Kogure's yesterday - eyes of worry, eyes of concern. Do they know? Do they know what's happening to me? Do they know that I'm ... dying inside? Do they know ... do they know that I miss him so much that I can't breathe?
Actually I don't know if anyone knows. I just know that there's something wrong with me. I just know that nothing ... nothing will ever be the same again.
Youhei isn't speaking. He's tried, on many occasions before this. I remember. I remember vaguely - he's tried to get me to speak to him. But, it's useless. I've lost my ability to speak the way I used to. I've lost the ability to live the way I used to. And I hate myself for it.
"Hanamichi." Youhei stops abruptly in his footsteps.
I stop as well, and I turn to face him. I can feel his firm stare burning into me.
"Hanamichi," he says, forcing me to look back at him. "this has been going on for months now."
I can see a hint of reckless determination in Youhei's eyes.
This? What do you mean - this?
"What do you mean?" I reply softly.
I hear my own voice at that moment. It's changed. It's become lower, deeper, flatter, colder. I'm changing. I'm ... dying inside.
Now Youhei looks worried. It shows on his face, in his body language as he moves closer to me. Just like the worry that radiated off Kogure yesterday.
I'm sorry, everyone. But I just ... I just can't carry on like I used to. Nothing will ever be the same again. Why doesn't anyone understand that? No one understands.
I feel like crying but I swallow my tears down. I can't cry. I can't cry for that ... for that kitsune. I can't cry for that kitsune anymore.
"We..." Youhei begins hesitantly, putting his hand on my shoulder. "we don't know what's happening to you, Hanamichi. But, you've changed."
I've changed. I know that I've changed. Everything's changed. Can't you see that? Can't you see that, Youhei, you amongst all the other people in this world who are blind to the truth? Can't you see that? You've always seen what I see. But now even you don't understand.
What is wrong with me? How come no one understands? Someone come and tell me, because I really ... I really really don't understand. And I'm ... so tired.
"I've changed?" I say.
Youhei doesn't move.
"You...you have to tell us what's wrong, Hanamichi. Because...we're all worried...very worried about you."
At this point I look straight back at Youhei, hoping that something in my eyes can explain it all. He was always the person who understood everything about me. But this time, it doesn't seem like that. Everything's changed.
I shrug his hand off my shoulder and attempt to walk away. What am I supposed to say? I don't know anymore. When even your best friend can't understand you, what are you supposed to do?
"You don't have to worry about me." I mumble, turning away and looking ahead of me at the falling Sakura blossoms drifting with the autumn breeze.
And I wish, for once, that I was a Sakura blossom, free to fly, free to escape, free from life and this terrible pain that never lets go of my heart whenever I think of - him. I can feel tears brimming at the side of my eyes. But it doesn't matter. Youhei can't see my tears anyway.
"What's wrong, Hanamichi?" Youhei raises his voice. "What is wrong?"
And suddenly he's standing right in front of me, alarmed at the sight of these tears running uncontrollably down my face.
"Kuso.." I wipe my tears away as quickly as possible.
But it's useless. The tears just keep on coming. I hate myself. I hate this.
"Hanamichi.." Youhei lowers his voice now, as if he can feel my pain somehow.
I look up at him, this huge pain still grabbing and ripping at my heart as countless images of Rukawa continue to attack my mind. I miss him. I miss him...so, so much.
"Tell me....tell me what's wrong..."
And now I'm weeping again. What a wimp. I don't want to cry. But I can't stop myself. I can't stop myself from voicing these disgraceful thoughts of mine.
How will I ever face Youhei again? How will I ever face Kogure again? I can't believe this. I hate myself. I hate what I've become.
"You tell me, Youhei... because, I don't understand ..."
Youhei moves towards me now. Where are we? I don't even know anymore.
"I don't understand...why this hurts...so much...so, so much..."
"Hanamichi, is it...is it Rukawa?" Youhei's voice is hesitant, yet there is some kind of certainty in it, something that seems to say that he already knows somehow.
At the sound of his name I find it even more difficult to breathe. And still the tears won't stop pouring from my eyes, tumbling down my cheeks and my neck. And still I feel so incomprehensibly cold ... so incomprehensibly lost ... just because he's not here. He's just not here anymore.
"I..." I feel my knees giving way and I'm kneeling on the ground once again.
How did I become so helplessly weak?
"I hate to admit it...but I miss him...."
Youhei isn't speaking. My sight is completely blurred by tears, so I can't see his reaction now. But he's silent. Silence. That is all.
"..I hate myself for admitting it...but ...I miss him....so, so much..."
And all I can feel now is Youhei's silence and my head resting on his shoulder, his hand patting my back; all I can feel now is this pain washing over me as all I can see when I close my eyes is that beautiful kitsune face, those piercing sea-blue eyes, and all I can hear is that voice ringing in my ears, the only thing that I would give anything to hear right now, that familiar, soft, monotonous "Do'aho" that I know so well and miss so much.
Notes: This is where I feel like I’ve given the idea of a way too OOC Sakuragi…-_-“ err…if I have..then hontou ni gomen nasai…because I suppose I couldn’t do any better…?! *to herself* Well, Sakuragi’s supposed to be all depressed and stuff…so he has the reason to change, right? *looks up* ^_^” err…yeah..well…comments?
And about Youhei…don’t get the wrong idea..Youhei’s always been a really good friend to Sakuragi, don’t ya think? ^_^ hehe…