You Bring Me Joy
(Like a Best Friend Should)
by Zaen
29. The cat dies
Justin races to answer his phone on
a particularly cool Saturday afternoon in May.
“Hello?”
“Ju—Justin?”
“Hey, Josh. What’s wrong?”
“I, um…Shere
Khan died last night.”
“Oh, man. I’m so sorry, Josh.”
“Thanks,” Josh sighs. After a pause he mutters, “Can you—”
“I’ll be right there.”
When Justin gets to Josh’s
apartment, he starts to knock, but then decides to just use his key. When he walks in, Josh comes out of the
kitchen. He’s drying a large pink bowl
with Superfabulous
Pussy written across it in
silver. He attempts a smile as he puts
the bowl in a large box filled with cat toys.
He looks tired and upset but trying to hide it.
“Hey,” Josh whispers as Justin takes
him in his arms. He sighs as Justin hugs
him tightly.
“I’m sorry, C,” Justin says into
Josh’s cheek. He pulls out of the
embrace and walks Josh over to the couch.
They sit, Justin rubbing Josh’s back and neck for while until Josh
starts to talk.
“That cat drove me crazy,” Josh
laughs, then sniffs loudly. Justin pulls
him into another tight hug and doesn’t let go when Josh breaks down. It’s the first time he’s seen Josh cry, and
it breaks his heart. Justin whispers to
him and pats his back. Josh calms down
after a bit and leans his forehead against Justin’s. His eyes are closed. He looks so tired. When he opens his eyes, Justin wipes his
tears away. It’s all Justin can do to
not kiss him.
“God, my head hurts,” Josh whispers
as he wipes his eyes.
“You should go lay down.” Justin rubs Josh’s head. “You might feel better if you rest.”
“Are you…um…gonna go?” Josh
whispers, his eyes red with tears.
“No, Josh. I’ll stay if you need me to.”
“I don’t want to put you out,” Josh
says softly. “I mean, you have better
things to do on a Saturday night.” His
eyes are so sad, but he attempts a smile.
“Don’t wanna cramp your style, man.”
“I’m staying.” Justin kisses Josh’s forehead and stands
up. “C’mon.” Justin holds Josh’s hand and leads him back
to the bed. He lets
go long enough to pull the covers back, and then pushes Josh on the bed. He removes Josh’s sandals and lifts his legs,
urging Josh to recline.
“You don’t have to do this,” Josh
whispers as his head hits the pillow.
“Shhh. I want
you to rest a little while, OK?” Justin wants to sound helpful and
compassionate, but he hopes he doesn’t sound too much like his mother. As much as he cares for Josh, as much as he
wants to assuage his grief, as much as he wants to hold him, he certainly
doesn’t want Josh to think of him in a motherly way. When Justin places the sandals just under the
bed he accidentally hits a jingly cat toy.
“Can I see that?” Josh whispers, and
holds out his hand. Justin reluctantly
gives him the squeaky toy. Josh sighs
loudly as he lets it roll around in his hand.
Large sections of the fabric have been ripped out; it’s bursting at the
seams. A few fur balls are stuck to it. “God. She drove me crazy for 3 years…and now she’s
gone.”
“I’m sorry, man.” Justin kneels on the floor and strokes Josh’s
legs. “She was your cat. You loved her. Even if she was insane.”
“She was, I
know it.” Josh squeezes the toy, looks
up at Justin with watery eyes and sobs, “That cat destroyed two pairs of Bruno Maglis!” When he
starts to cry again, Justin tries to hug him, but Justin is kneeling and Josh
is lying and it’s awkward. Before Justin
can think he’s crawling into the bed, lying against Josh, stroking his hair and
comforting him.
“I’m sorry, Justin. I feel so stupid,” Josh whispers against
Justin’s neck.
“Don’t be sorry, and you’re not
stupid.” Justin runs his fingers through
Josh’s hair and waits for the shy sobs to subside before looking down into
tired blue eyes. “Bruno Magli. That’s a
serious shoe.” Josh laugh-sobs and nods
his head. “You must have been pissed.”
“You don’t know the half of
it.” Josh rubs his eyes and spins a yarn
about expensive cat therapists, kitty litter fiascos, and dead mouse “presents”
in his precious underwear drawer. As he
regales Justin with one minor disaster after another, his mood lifts a little. He sniffs less and giggles more. His body relaxes in Justin’s arms.
“Wow.” Justin holds Josh against him and gently
scratches his fingers through Josh’s curls.
“On the one hand, it’s good that she killed the mice. But leaving the corpses in your
unmentionables drawer?” Josh giggles and
squeezes Justin’s hand. “It’s a good
thing all your manpanties are safely in their plastic
shrink-wrap.”
“You’re funny,” Josh says
wearily. He lies more comfortably
against Justin, nuzzling his nose against Justin’s neck. “Actually, she was being sweet, in her own
twisted way. I mean, we had such a
tumultuous relationship, ever since my—uh—the ex and I adopted her.”
“Oh.
Why did you get her, after you two broke up, if you don’t mind my
asking?”
“It’s a long story,” Josh
sighs. “I mean, I didn’t mind taking
her. She was my cat, too, and I…yeah, I
loved her. Even though
she was a feline psychotic.” Josh
laughs and wraps his arm around Justin’s waist.
“It was better this way. I don’t
think Shere Khan would have received much affection
if she stayed with my ex and the bast—I mean, the
ex’s new plaything. But I’m not bitter,
really, I’m not!” Josh smiles as he
snuggles down into the bed, pulling Justin closer to him.
“So, your ex wasn’t a cat lover
after all?” Justin is afraid to push, especially now, but Josh so rarely says
anything specific about her. Her, Justin
thinks. Pshaw.
“I guess not.” Josh doesn’t say anything for a while, just
rubs his nose, so Justin decides to drop the subject. They play with one another’s fingers and hair
and shirt collars. Justin is so busy
comforting Josh that he doesn’t really think about the fact that they’re in bed
together. Under the
covers. Holding
each other. Soon Josh is yawning
and his eyes are closing. Justin doesn’t
know if he should stay, but then Josh starts to talk again.
“I knew she was getting older
but…the vet said she didn’t suffer too much,” Josh says drowsily. “I’m glad for that.” Justin nods and strokes Josh’s cheek until he
continues. “It’s just. She was my only connection. To
“What do you mean?” Justin
whispers. “I thought you wanted to leave
“Yeah.” Josh squeezes his eyes shut, yawns and idly
slides his hand inside the warmth of Justin’s shirt. Justin shivers at the soft touch of Josh’s
palm on his belly. When Josh opens his eyes
and notices where his hand is, he quickly pulls it back. Justin tries not to appear too disappointed.
“Are you…regretting moving back to
Orlando, C?”
“No.
I like it here, I just don’t know why I chose here of all places. I could have started over anywhere. I could have started over and stayed in
“I guess,” Justin sighs dejectedly.
“I really only lived here for 2
years of high school, so in a way, it’s still new to me. New but familiar, and like, so you know it’s
like…um…whatever,” Josh rambles sleepily.
“I’m sorry you’re so miserable
here,” Justin grumbles.
“I’m not…no, Justin. I’m glad I came back.” Josh smiles and snuggles against Justin,
against Justin’s body and his warmth.
“It’s like…fate. I just happened
to be in the same field and got hired at the same office…as, you know, Joey.”
“Yeah. What are the odds, huh?” Justin sighs. “You two were good friends.” Josh nods and exhales against Justin’s chest,
slides a leg between Justin’s knees.
Justin gulps. “Josh…you awake
still?” When Josh barely nods, Justin
whispers, “Look, I know what you’re saying.
And I’m sorry that you feel, um, lost.
But you’ve made new friends here.
Friends who really lo—like you, and would miss you if you, um, moved
back to
“I’ll never regret it, Justin. If I hadn’t…I’d have never…met you. You’re…why I stay.”
Somehow, those four words mean more
to Justin than any compliment he’s ever gotten.
Justin strokes Josh’s hair until they both fall asleep. When Justin wakes up 30 minutes later, Josh’s
hand is back under his shirt, against his belly.
It takes a while for Justin to
decide what kind of tea to make. There
must be 20 different boxes of tea in Josh’s cupboard: plain blacks, flavored
blacks, plain greens, flavored greens, decaffeinated greens, and every herbal
tea imaginable. Justin doesn’t know
whether he should make Josh chamomile to calm him down or Wild Berry Zinger to
perk him up. After putting the kettle on
and grabbing the Sleepytime, he opens another cabinet
and his jaw drops. Next to the
multigrain puffs, the high-fiber organic bulgur wheat bumps, the oat bran
flakes and Grape Nuts, there is one very opened, very
used, very popular box of Peanut Butter Cap’n
Crunch—Justin’s favorite. Justin smiles
as he picks up the box; he knows for a fact that Josh usually detests sweet kiddy
cereals, and that Josh always tsks-tsks when Justin
eats cereal morning noon and night.
There’s also a box of Justin’s other favorite, Apple Jacks.
“My secret’s out now,” Josh says,
startling Justin out of his stupor.
Justin smiles and shakes the nearly empty box of Cap’n
Crunch.
“I may be wrong, but I don’t think
there’s a lot of fiber in this cereal.
Or protein or calcium.” Justin
turns back to the cabinet and pokes around with his hand. “I wonder what else is hidden in here. Next thing you know, you’ll be eating
marshmallow fluff and chocolate covered potato chips!”
“What can I say? You’re rubbing off on me.” Josh yawns and rubs his red eyes. He looks tired and sad and very young. Justin feels bad for him, but he feels good
that he can comfort him.
“What kind of tea do you want?”
Justin asks as he reaches further into Josh’s cabinet, pushing aside boxes of
pasta and jars of organic pasta sauce, not even asking Josh if it’s ok, because
he knows that it is. “I took out Sleepytime tea, but I haven’t made it yet.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Dude, I want to—hey, I think I see Froot Loops back there!”
When Justin giddily pulls the colorful cereal box from the back of the
cupboard, he senses Josh directly behind him.
He freezes when he feels Josh’s head on his shoulder and Josh’s arms
around his waist. Justin clutches the
box and leans into Josh’s embrace. “You doing ok, man?” Justin whispers.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
They stand for a few seconds, Josh breathing on Justin’s neck, Justin
pretending to read the ingredients on the side of the box. “You’re taller than me,” Josh says suddenly.
“No kidding,” Justin chuckles. “We’ve known each other four months, and you’re just now
noticing that?”
“You counted?”
“No…I just…remember. That’s all.”
He’s glad that Josh can’t see the redness in his face.
“Has it been that long?” Josh
whispers.
“Am I that boring?” Justin snickers.
“No!
It’s just weird.” Josh’s arms
tighten around Justin’s body and his eyes peek out over Justin’ shoulder. “In some ways you know me better than
anybody. And yet, there’s so much you
don’t know about me.” Justin shivers,
his fingers gripping the Fruit Loops tightly.
“Same here.”
“Thanks for coming over today. It means a lot to me.”
“You’d do the same for me.”
“I would, J.” Justin slowly removes a tea bag and places it
in Josh’s mug. Then he slowly rearranges
the boxes in the cabinet. Slowly,
meticulously, so he won’t finish too soon.
So Josh will continue holding him from behind, breathing on his
neck. When the water starts to boil Josh
lets go and turns off the kettle.
“Are you…um…I mean, did you have
plans today? ‘Cause
if you did, I don’t want you to miss anything—”
“Josh, I’m staying here. Ok?”
Justin smiles as he takes the kettle from Josh and pours boiling water
in the mug. He gives the kettle back to
Josh and turns back to the counter. His
hands stay on the warm ceramic, his eyes on the color oozing into the boiling
water. He waits, and soon enough Josh is
there again, his arms around Justin’s middle, his chin on Justin’s shoulder.
“You know what I want to do tonight?
Josh whispers.
“Wh—what?” Justin asks, when he can speak.
Josh places his lips against Justin’s ear.
“I want to…pig out on greasy
pizza…and get drunk on nasty, cheap beer—the kind we drank in high school, when
that was all our fake-ID’d friends could afford—and I
want to watch a really, really bad movie.”
“Showgirls bad?” Justin laughs.
“Showgirls bad, yes.”
“I think I can arrange that.” Justin turns around and hands Josh his tea,
smiling sympathetically as Josh blows at the steam. “I’ll get everything. You go lay down for a while, ok?”
“I can come with you, Justin.”
“No, it’s ok. Stay here and take care of your
headache.” Justin touches Josh’s temple,
to whisk away the curls in his face, and to just plain touch him. “OK, Josh?”
Josh starts to protest, but nods when Justin gives him the “I’m serious”
face.
“Thanks, J.” Josh starts to walk away, but Justin catches
him and gives him a quick peck on the cheek.
Josh blushes as he goes back to bed.
Five hours, two pizzas, nine beers,
and one very bad movie later, Justin is on his back on Josh’s living room
floor. His zipper is undone and he’s
patting his bloated belly. He finishes
off his third Twinkie and lies there, humming drunkenly, licking white cream
off his lips. A few yards away Josh
sings along with the TV, dancing and flailing his arms with Olivia Newton-John.
“Xanadu…Xanadu!”
“Dude…I can’t believe you know this
song,” Justin giggles.
“Livia is
the woman,” Josh yells, then returns to his inebriated dancing. He raises his arms over his head and squeals,
“Now that I’m here, now that you’re near,
in Xanadu—”
“You rilly
are a gurl, you know that, man?”
“Shuttup,
I’m gettin’ my groove on, baby!”
“You actually know the words, man,”
Justin laughs. “Not
very macho.”
“Shut up, this is da best part!” Josh squeals as Olivia’s song reaches a
fever pitch. “In
XA-NA-DOO…XANA doo hoo
HOOOOOO!”
“This is the stranges’
slumber party I ever been to,” Justin mumbles, shaking his head disappointedly
as Josh screams the last line of the song to the ceiling like a wolf. He holds the note way longer than Olivia, his
face turning red and his eyes squeezed shut.
“Damn. Impressive.” Justin stumbles to his feet and applauds as
Josh comes down from his high.
“I am the man!” Josh squeals
hoarsely.
“You are at that,” Justin yells,
still clapping. “You go, boy!”
“Whew hew!” Josh jumps up and down, and when Justin does
the same the motion sends his unzipped jeans down to the floor. “You are d-runk,
my friend!”
“Jus a l’il bit,” Justin mumbles, holding his thumb and forefinger
out. He looks down at his jeans puddled at his feet.
Josh giggles and points, but Justin just leaves them there. “Hey, I ate too much. I needed to make room for Twinkies,” Justin
states, patting his tummy.
“Yeah, I ate too much, too! Look at how fat I am.” Josh staggers over and lifts his shirt,
exposing his tight abs and tighter chest.
“Look at this!” Josh pinches
about a quarter inch of muscle and skin on his belly. “I think I gained 5 pounds tonight, man.”
“Naw, I
don’t think so, it takes at least 12 hours, or something,” Justin mumbles and
tries not to stare at Josh’s body.
“Rilly? Are you sure?
I feel heavier, though,” Josh says, then takes
Justin’s hand. “Here, feel for
yourself.” He places Justin’s palm on
his belly, won’t let go when Justin snickers.
“See? I’m a house,” Josh says
seriously, as seriously as his intoxicated mind will allow.
“No.” Justin shakes his head and pulls away, but
not before copping a nice, long feel. He
turns his back on JC counting the number of calories in beer on his
fingers. He
shuffle-walks—with his pants around his ankles—over to dining room table. He stares at his palm, wondering how it can
feel so warm.
“Hey! Let’s go jogging, to burn off all this junk
food!” Josh says excitedly. “Or we could
do jumpin jacks?”
“Nah, it’s late.” Justin picks his keys up from the table and
swings them around his finger. “It’s,
like, almost midnight. They’ll put us in
prisssson if we jog after midnight!” Josh nods, the drunken logic making complete
sense to him, but then his smile falters when he sees Justin’s keys.
“Jussin…you
know you’re wasted, right?” Josh asks, suddenly sounding slightly sober.
“Yeah?”
“You can’t drive home like this.”
“Oh.” Justin nods and looks down at his bare
legs. Suddenly he feels silly, and bends
down to pull his pants up. “Well, um,
maybe I should call—”
“You’ll stay here tonight,” Josh
demands, albeit softly. “Won’t you?”
“I don’t wanna be an impos…imposs…imposition.” Justin tries not to smile as Josh walks over
to him.
“You have to stay
tonight.” Justin glances at Josh’s
clenched hands, and then remembers the box full of cat toys.
“You, um, need me to stay?” Justin
whispers. When he finally meets Josh’s
eyes, he realizes he doesn’t care if it’s want or need or both.
“No, it’s not…um.” Josh smiles sadly at Justin. “Yeah…I do.”
“Ok.”
They stumble back to Josh’s bedroom
to find clean linens for the couch bed.
It takes Josh a while to realize that he doesn’t quite remember where
those sheets are. As he wonders aloud,
pulling out drawers and staring at still unpacked boxes, Justin grows
impatient. He goes to the bathroom. He pees and splashes his face. He brushes his teeth with the new toothbrush
Josh handed him a few hours ago. It
occurs to him momentarily that, yes, it was an odd thing for Josh to give him a
toothbrush as they were downing cheap beer and giggling at Xanadu, but he hadn’t thought to ask at
the time. Justin stares up at the
ceiling as he brushes and tries to remember if Josh gave an explanation. But it’s too much for his inebriated brain to
handle right now. When he goes back into
the bedroom, Josh is talking to himself and sniffing a flat sheet from his
laundry pile.
“Dude.”
“Don’t worry, J. I’ll find ‘em. They gotta be here somewhere.” Josh pulls out another box and fumbles with
the contents, but all he finds are out of season clothes. “Shoot.
Look, Justin, why don’t you just…um.”
Josh stands on wobbly legs and walks over to the bed, where Justin has
laid out and quickly fallen asleep. Josh
manages to pull the covers from under Justin without waking him. He tucks Justin in properly and goes back to
the living room to turn off the lights.
Ten minutes later, Josh is asleep
right next to Justin.
30. Spreading cat ashes
Justin is surprised at how
comfortable he is the next morning. He
would have thought he’d be nervous waking up next to Josh for the first
time. Instead they moan about their
hangovers and yawn and laugh at their silly antics from the night before. Eventually they calm down and lie there
silently, staring down at the sheets bunched around their bodies.
“Um.” Josh clears his throat. “I just want to, um, thank you. For yesterday. For being here to cheer me
up.” Justin nods but doesn’t meet
Josh’s eyes. “Justin. I really appreciate you being here.” When Justin still doesn’t look, Josh reaches
out and touches his face. He makes
Justin look at him and whispers, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, man.” Josh’s fingers linger on Justin’s face for a
few seconds before he pulls them back and clears his throat. “You OK, C?”
“Yeah. I’m ok.”
Josh eases closer to Justin and gently nudges Justin’s knee with
his. “So, um…did you sleep ok last
night?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
Justin looks down at their bare legs just touching. He doesn’t remember taking his jeans off last
night. “You sleep ok?”
“Yeah. I hope I didn’t snore or anything.”
“No, C. You were…you were fine. Nice and quiet.” They smile at each other. “Did I talk in my sleep?”
“Not that I know of, why? Do you talk in your sleep a lot?”
“Not usually. When I’m really, really
tired, sometimes. Once when I was
totally wasted I talked in my sleep for five minutes about Haagen Dazs Rum Raisin ice cream!”
“Oh, yeah?”
Josh laughs and rubs his toes against Justin’s.
“How do you know, if you were asleep?”
“Um…someone told me.” Justin rolls on his back and yawns, closing his
eyes to that particular memory.
“Who was it?” Josh asks softly. Suddenly Josh’s hand is on Justin’s peach
fuzzy head, gently playing with the stubbly hairs. When Justin doesn’t answer he asks, “College
roommate?”
“No.”
“Old girlfriend?” Justin smiles and shakes his head slowly as
his body tenses all over. “Well…then…who
was it?”
“Hey, you wanna go out for
breakfast? My treat!”
Justin suddenly pops out of bed. He puts
his pants on and starts rambling off a list of local restaurants. He doesn’t look at Josh.
After a long brunch, Justin hangs
out awhile, just making sure that Josh doesn’t feel too lonely. They drive around, take a walk in a park, and
even go window-shopping. Around dusk,
Josh steels himself and decides that it’s time to scatter Shere
Khan’s ashes. He wants to drive to a
lake about 30 minutes away before it gets dark.
“I just need to fill the car with
gas, and then we can go,” Justin says as he pats his pocket for his car keys.
“You don’t have to, Justin.”
“You want to be alone?”
“I won’t be very good company. She was my cat, it’s my responsibility.”
“Whatever you
want, C.”
An hour later, Josh lets his cat’s
ashes fly into the wind at a park overlooking his favorite lake. He sighs, wipes his eyes and heads back to the
car.
Justin is right beside him.
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