You Bring Me Joy

(Like a Best Friend Should)

Chapter Twenty Eight

45. Thursday

Justin drags himself into work Thursday morning after not getting much sleep. Several calls to Josh’s phone and cell resulted in nothing last night, so by now Justin feels at the end of his rope. He watches his computer boot up and stares at the blue background on the desktop, the center of which contains a jpeg of a photograph Josh took of him months ago at the beach. Justin is making a silly, smiling face, and Josh’s thumb is in the corner. It was a great day, and before Justin starts to get too upset, he clicks on his email.

From: Timberlake, J.

To: Chasez, J.

Security: Private

Time: 8:57 AM

1. I have issues with denial. I want to work on that.

2. I cried last night.

3. I need to tell you something.

The coffee machine is broken, so right away Justin knows this is going to be a bad day. When he returns to his desk empty-handed and caffeine deprived, he hears Johnny tell Joey that Josh called out sick. He collapses into his chair, puts his head down on his desk, and realizes what rock bottom feels like.

Five minutes and several deep breaths later, Justin decides that it’s a place he’ll never visit again.

**********

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mom.”

“Justin, baby! What’s the matter?”

“Nothing! Why?”

“There must be something wrong if you’re calling me at work in the middle of the day!”

“No. I’m…ok.”

“Didn’t you go to work today, son?”

“Yeah. I’m on my lunch break. In my car.”

“Ok, now I know something’s wrong. You won’t even let me eat in your car!”

“Funny, Mom.”

“What is it, hon?”

“I…I don’t know how to start. There are just…some things I need to tell you. That I should have told you a long time ago.”

“I see. So, why are you telling me now, son?”

“Because I have to, Mommy. I’ve always told you everything. Nothing ever felt real to me unless I told you about it.”

“I know, Justin.”

“I want to be happy. And I want to be real. For myself, and for you, and for…for…”

“For Josh?”

“Y—yes. For Josh.”

“You love him, baby?”

Justin swallows an exhausted, relieved sob. “Yeah, mom. I do.”

“I thought so.”

“How did you know, Mom?”

“Honey. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone as much as you talk about him. And when I saw you two together in Miami, well, I knew for sure.”
“I’m sorry I never told you that I was…well, that I’ve…um—”

“It’s alright, son. I think a part of me has known for a long time. You don’t have to—”

“No, mom, I need to say it.” Justin takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I like guys, Mom. I guess I’m bi…or gay. Right now, I’m very gay,” he chuckles.

“Oh, son. I’m so proud of you for finally admitting the truth. To yourself and to me.”

“You still love me?”

“Oh, God, yes, son. Forever and ever. You’re my baby.”

“Thanks, Mommy.”

“Blow your nose, young man!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Now. Does Josh know how you feel?”

“No. That’s why I’m so miserable.”

“Well, what are you waiting for, Justin?”

Justin wipes his eyes dry. “Just this talk…telling you, Mom. And, actually, are you still in touch with Nick’s mom?”

“Your old friend from school? Yes, why?”

“I want to get his phone number, if I can. I owe him an apology.”

**********

The sidewalk leading to Josh’s front door spreads out before Justin like and endless stretch of highway. In the time it takes Justin to walk it, a million different reasons and explanations fill his brain—his Bible-belt upbringing, the subsequent guilt, his fear of rejection, his denial, his confusion. He hopes Josh will understand why it’s taken him so long, even if sometimes he doesn’t understand himself. At the end of his journey, he clutches a dozen roses in one hand and presses the doorbell with the other. He takes a deep breath and readies himself for a rational, calm, and reasonable conversation. But when Josh opens the door, and Justin sees what’s behind him, all Justin’s reason goes out the window.

“No.” Justin swallows as his eyes drift from the three large cardboard moving boxes in the middle of the living room to Josh’s sad face. Josh shrugs dejectedly.

“You said…there’s nothing here for me.” A lump forms in Justin’s throat, one so large that it chokes back everything he’d planned to say. The fear that Josh will leave him freezes Justin to the core, and he can’t speak. He can’t tell Josh that he talked to Johnny earlier about the California job, and that Johnny had been very optimistic…but put a good word in for him just in case. He can’t seem to tell Josh that he has a good feeling that he’ll get this job, and that he plans to move to L.A. and work really hard. He isn’t able to explain that he plans to make a lot of money, so much so that Josh, his best friend and the man he loves, can pursue his music career without worrying about paying the rent. He doesn’t tell Josh that he’s through with friends with benefits. He doesn’t say anything. He just drops the flowers, walks through the door, closes it behind him, and takes Josh in his arms. He kisses Josh until the words come, until he can’t stop them anymore.

“Please, Justin. I can’t—”

“I love you, Joshua.”

“I’m too—” Josh stops mid sentence. His eyes widen into an intense, shocked blueness, and for a second Justin fears the worst.

“C?”

“Jus, do you mean…oh my God.” Justin always thought it would be him who would bawl when he finally said it, but it’s Josh who’s losing it right now, whose eyes are filling and whose face is cracking into a huge, eye-swallowing grin. “You mean…as a friend, right?” Josh whispers, but now, finally, Justin can see that that’s exactly what Josh does not want to hear. “You love…me…as a friend?”

“I am in love with you.” Josh gasps and covers his face, but Justin won’t be deterred. He’s come this far, it’s too late to turn back now. “I am completely, totally, devastatingly in love with you, baby.” Josh trembles in his arms, and Justin almost laughs as he hugs him. “Oh, sweetie, don’t cry. It’s ok. You don’t have to…it’s alright if you don’t feel the same—”

“Shut up!” Josh’s mouth is on his immediately. They kiss tenderly, until Josh whimpers between sniffs, “Are you sure, baby? How do I know you’re sure?”

“Because,” Justin whispers, his hand settling gently over Josh’s heart, “we were meant for each other. We’ve both known it all along.”

“Yes.” Josh lets Justin dry his tears before kissing him slowly.

“Um,” Justin starts, before Josh can change his mind, “I have so much to tell you, namely that I’m a shoe-in for the L.A. job, and I want you to know that I’m gonna support us in Cali, and even if we don’t go, you’re going to work on your music, even if you have to quit Zeeks and move in with me—”

“Justin—”

“—and we’ll be fine on one salary for a while, and maybe you can even work part time at the L.A. office while you work on your demo, because it’s time that you be the musician that we both know you really are, and not have to worry too much about how you’ll support yourself, because your best friend will be right there with you—”

“J, you have to let me—”

“—and I know I agreed to the friends with benefits thing, but I can’t do it anymore, because, well, I’minlovewithyou, and maybe that’s too much for you right now, but I can’t keep pretending, and I just want you to think about giving me a chance—”

“Oh, baby, let me—”

“—because I know you better than anyone, and I love you so much, and I can make you happy, and we’re so good together—”

“Justin, you’re babbling like me!”

“I know, but I can’t stop! I’ve kept this all inside for 7 months, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m head over heels in love with you. I have been all along.” Justin takes a deep breath and lets it out. “There.”

“You finished?” Josh murmurs.

“Yes, but—”

“No, it’s my turn, Justin.” Josh holds Justin’s face still so they can look at each other. “I’m gonna make this short, or else I’ll never stop crying.” Justin nods and blinks. “Ok. First, these boxes are from storage. They’re filled with my music and drawings and journals, and I figured if I was gonna stay here and fight for you, it was about time I got this stuff and showed you everything about me.”

Justin’s upper lip starts to tremble against his will. “Sweetie.”

“Second, if I wasn’t already in love with you—” Josh kisses the sobs from Justin’s lips. “If I didn’t already love you, hearing you offer to support me and my career would just about do the trick.”

“Oh my God.”

“And third…um…I guess that’s it.” Josh chuckles and wipes the tears from both their faces. “Oh, yeah, third. I’ll never, ever, leave you, Justin. Music or no, I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Because I’m your best friend?” Justin whispers hopefully.

“Because you’re…Jus, you’re my true love.”

“You’re mine, too.” Justin barely gets out the words before he’s sobbing. He can’t tell who’s crying more, or who’s laughing through tears more. They hug and kiss until their eyes dry, and then they hug and kiss some more.

“Why’d it take us so long to—”

“Later, Justin. There’s time. Kiss me.”

“But…ohhh…Josh, don’t you want to know why we never figured it out?”

“C’mon, J. You knew. On some level, you knew.”

“So did you.”

“Knowing and knowing are two different things. You know?”

“I love you when you’re corny.”

“I love you all the time.”

“Say it again, Josh.”

“I love yo…mmmm. I love you, Justin. Oh, sweetie…yes, love your mouth. Kiss me. Baby. I love you, J.”

Justin’s heart beats steadily, like it finally knows its purpose. “Let’s go, then.”

Josh takes Justin’s hand and leads him backwards to the bedroom.

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