You Bring Me Joy
(Like a Best Friend Should)
by Zaen
44. Wednesday
Justin
hums all day long. The sexual tension that’s
been coursing and recycling through him the past few nights has him practically
mewing in his chair. It had taken a lot
of self-restraint and, finally, half a sleeping pill to get Justin to ignore
his arousal and get to sleep. Now, he’s
rested and alert and highly aware of everything. He feels on edge. Ready.
Now he knows why athletes refrain from sex before competing. Either he’s going to get laid, or finish all
his projects in 1 day, or scream at the top of his lungs. If the intense stares and vibes coming in his
direction are any indication, Josh must feel the same way.
“Hey, Justin. Can I
get your opinion on something?”
“Sure.” Josh smiles and unfolds a piece of
paper. The back is covered in code, but
the inside is white. He looks both ways,
then leans over Justin and lays the paper flat on Justin’s desk.
“Do
you think this could work?” asks Josh seriously. Justin looks down, expecting to see endless
lines of code or flowcharts. He bites
his lip to keep from giggling. Josh has
drawn a crude Justin-like stick figure cartoon, identifiable by the large feet
and tattoos. The figure is adorned with
tiny hearts—on the mouth, the ankles, the nipples, the hands, and the stomach. The largest heart is right between the stick
figure legs. Underneath the drawing are
the phrases I want to kiss you
here tonight, and, underneath that, Please checkmark if acceptable. Justin clears his throat,
picks up a pen and places checkmarks next to each heart, two marks next to the
largest heart. He folds the paper up and
hands it to Josh without looking at him.
“That’ll
be fine.”
From: Wright, J.
To: Programming Department, Orlando Division
Security: Public
Time: 4:17 PM
Team,
FYI, Zeeks Technologies will be opening a
new branch in
This is a great opportunity, and I encourage any of you to
apply. I won’t take it personally if you
try to leave my department for smog and silicone and earthquakes.
Your Manager,
J. Wright
Justin
reads the email three times, and then sends it to his saved messages
folder. He doesn’t look at Josh the rest
of the day. He can still feel him,
though.
At
5 PM on the dot, Josh turns off his computer and walks out the door, Justin
following closely behind. They don’t
speak as they leisurely walk to the parking lot and get into their cars. The pace to Justin’s apartment is steady but
swift. Justin follows a few cars
behind. When he pulls up alongside
Josh’s car, Josh is already halfway up the sidewalk and taking out his keys to
Justin’s apartment. Justin takes his
time getting to his door, like it’s any old day, and they’re just going to hang
out and watch TV and drink some beers and—
“What
took you so long?” Josh groans and pulls Justin into the foyer. They’re kissing before the door slams
shut. Justin pulls away and smiles as
his fingertips trace circles on Josh’s face.
“You
shaved.”
“You’re
just now noticing?” Josh leans in, but
Justin’s lips remain still. “You, um,
mentioned being a little sensitive to beard burn last night, so.” Josh blushes a little as his eyes travel
south. “Just in case.”
“Give
me your mouth.” Justin smiles into the
open-mouthed kiss. Josh tastes just as
sweet as his words.
“Mmm.” Josh pulls back for a second. His hands stay around Justin’s waist as he
regards him from head to toe. “I’ve been
waiting all day for this.”
“Me,
too,” Justin mumbles, though in his mind he substitutes year for day.
“Sooo…mmm…sweetie…mmm.” Josh
giggles when his words are thwarted by Justin’s mouth. “Justin.
What do you want to do tonight?”
“What
do I want to…oh.”
Justin buries his face in Josh’s neck to suck the skin, and to hide the
blush on his face. “We could get some
takeout or something. Go see a movie,
maybe.”
“I
don’t really want to go out tonight.”
“Ok.”
“And
I’m not really hungry.”
“All right.”
“But,
I’m sure I will be. Later.” Justin looks up. Josh’s eyes are intense, without a trace of
facetiousness. As nonchalantly as
Justin’s ever heard him speak, Josh pronounces, “Right now, the only thing I
want to eat is you.”
“Th—that…oh. Y-yes.” Justin doesn’t care that he sounds like a
blubbering idiot right now, because his best friend is walking—sauntering—back
to the bedroom, unbuttoning his clothes along the way.
It’s
a blur, how Justin ends up on his bed, shirtless, pantless,
with his best friend’s hand inside his underwear, searching out his awakening
erection. Justin knows he won’t
remember, when he goes over this in the future—and he’ll go over it many
times—how quickly Josh got him naked, how easily he got Josh out of his
clothes, despite his nervous fingers.
That part will get melded into a music video-esque
collage of glimpses of skin and legs and eyes and pubic hair and beautiful
nakedness and reaffirmations of negative HIV statuses. But it all slows down when Josh takes out the
diagram from earlier and purrs, “Are you ready for me
to know you like this?”
Justin
barely nods, but he points to a checkmarked heart on
the page, and groans happily when Josh crawls over him and presses his mouth to
the agreed upon erogenous zone.
“C…don’t miss a spot, ok?” Justin whimpers as he watches his
nipple disappear between Josh’s lips.
Josh smiles and teases the pink bud with the tip of his tongue.
“Don’t
worry, man. I’ll take good care of ya.”
Five
minutes later, Justin is practically begging Josh to take care of him, for
good. He’s sighing loudly, panting,
arching his back, his skin on fire, and Josh hasn’t even gone down on him
yet. But Josh has touched, tickled,
stroked, licked and kissed his way all over 99 percent of Justin’s body. And Justin is about to go crazy.
“Josh…please…I
can’t take any more. God…Josh.”
“You
ready, baby?”
“Josh…don’t tease.” Justin
slips his hand into Josh’s hair, and watches Josh’s eyes and mouth move down,
down, down. When Josh takes Justin’s
cock into his hand, Justin squeezes his eyes shut.
“Justin,
look at me,” Josh growls as he strokes the shaft long and slow.
“I
can’t. It’s too much.”
“Please?”
Josh whispers. The rush of breath
against Justin’s skin sends his legs further apart, welcoming Josh to his
body. “Please, J? I wanna see your eyes when I taste you for
the first time.”
“Ohhhh yes.” Justin lifts his head from the pillow that
Josh had thoughtfully placed there when he splayed Justin out before him
minutes ago. When he opens his eyes, he
sees his penis held carefully between two hands, inches away from two wet, parted lips.
“Shit…baby.”
“Sweetie.” Josh winks
and bends Justin’s erection toward him.
The head slips easily into his mouth, and he smiles without teeth around
the flesh as it goes in further.
“Oh…my…God.” Justin
loses himself and his mind in the wet heat enveloping his cock. He forces his eyes open, looking at Josh’s
smiling eyes, or his own shaking hand in Josh’s hair instead of at Josh’s
tongue leaving wetness all over him.
It’s incredible, the most incredible thing Justin’s ever felt, and after
7 months and 5 nights of unbearable frustration, it’s about to end very soon.
“Mmm. You taste so good,” Josh murmurs after he
slurps up and down the throbbing organ.
“C, mmm. Can’t believe this
is…oh…happening.”
“I
can.” Josh’s eyes disappear as he lowers
down to kiss the base of the penis, and then the testicles. “Believe it, J. Knew this would…mmmm…wanted
this. God, you’re delicious.”
“Josh. Fuck. Suck me, baby.”
“Yeah?” Josh smiles
as he strokes Justin a little faster. He
catches Justin’s eye and winks as he sucks on the scrotum.
“Awww.” Justin pants and thrusts a little, waiting to
see if it’s ok with Josh.
“Justin. Such a lovely name…such a lovely cocmmmphhh,” Josh mumbles as he goes down, swallowing the cock
almost all the way. Justin squeals and
laughs to cover it up.
“Oh,
shit, C. Baby, you’re so good.”
“Mmmm.” Josh hisses when he comes up for air. “It’s ok, J.
I want it.” Josh’s head goes down
as he slips a hand underneath Justin’s ass, encouraging him to fuck his
mouth. Justin nods, even though Josh
can’t see it, and curls his hips, pressing himself further into Josh’s
throat. It blankets his cock with
warmth, like Josh’s arms are blanketing his body. Justin growls and thrusts more. When he feels Josh take him all the way down
his throat, he almost loses it.
“God…C…please…you’re
gonna make me come so fast!”
“That’s
ok,” Josh whispers when he comes up to tease the meatus with his tongue. “You’ll come for me again. Won’t you?”
“Yes,
fuck, yes. Oh, baby, yes.” The heat starts to build, and Justin shivers
when he realizes that Josh is going to see him come…that Josh is going to make him come. He’s so happy he wants to cry. Instead he rolls his hips and matches Josh’s
purrs around his cock with growls and curses of his own. He sighs when Josh, already busy between his
legs, slips a hand up his body and lays it flat over his heart. Justin is so touched and turned on at the
same time that he accidentally moans, “Josh…I love youuuuuur
mouth! I love your mouth—fuck!” He flings his head back, squeezes his eyes
shut, and shivers through his fear. He’s
torn between just admitting the truth and running away, but then he feels
Josh’s weight on top of him.
“Jus.” Josh licks
Justin’s lips, encouraging him to open up to him. They kiss lewdly, tongues covetously
searching hot mouths. When Josh pulls
away, he waits for Justin to look up at him with scared blue eyes, and he
whispers, “I…I love your mouth, too.”
Justin
inhales sharply, because the way Josh is looking at him makes him think that
maybe…just maybe…possibly…hopefully. “Oh…oh.”
But
then Josh smirks and growls, “But right now, I love your cock even more.” There’s barely enough time to breathe before
Josh licks his way back down and wraps his lips around Justin’s impossibly hard
erection.
“Josh. Oooohhhhh. Yesssss. Baby.” Four quick thrusts into Josh’s mouth, and
Justin climaxes with his legs tight around Josh’s back, his hands fisting the
sheets, his mouth wide open and his eyes squeezed shut. He collapses into shudders, but Josh holds
him together with his arms and his gentle kisses. Justin finally opens his eyes, and hisses as
he watches Josh swallow and taste, really taste, every last drop of semen that Justin offers him.
“So good, like I always thought,” Josh whispers. Justin bites his lip.
“Aw, sweetie.” Josh
looks up and smiles shyly. He licks his
lips a little, and then slides upwards so Justin can lick them more. “Mmm…Josh,
Josh, Josh.”
“I
taste like you now.”
“Thank
you.” Justin pulls Josh against him,
holding him there while he catches his breath.
Josh hums, kisses Justin’s neck, and slowly, gently pulses his hips. Justin smiles at the hardness pressing into
his hip. “Now, your
turn.”
“Wait…just
wait.” Josh leaves a trail of kisses all
over the side of Justin’s face and behind his ear while his fingers search out
Justin’s oversensitive nipples. Spent
and empty as he feels, Justin can already feel the blood starting to rush to
his groin again.
“Uh uh. Waited too long already.” Justin rolls to his side and lifts Josh’s top
leg over his hip, giving him easy access to the hardness poking him in the
stomach. “God, C.” Justin looks down at the pink, swollen penis
in his hands. “You’re, um, really big.”
“No, not really.” The
bashful look on Josh’s face subsides when Justin
squeezes and strokes harder. “Ahh…Jus…mmm.”
“You
like me jerking you off?”
“You
know I do,” whispers Josh as he thrusts into Justin’s hand.
“Do
my hands feel good on your cock?” Justin says with only a hint of a
giggle. He’d never done a lot of sex
talk in the past—Britney had turned her nose up at first, then she’d talked so
dirty so much that Justin was grossed out—but in his frequent fantasies of sex
with Josh, nothing seemed taboo. So he
doesn’t giggle at all when he nibbles Josh’s ear and whispers, “This cock looks
good enough to eat.”
“Man,
you know just what I like.”
“Benefits
of best friendship, baby!”
Josh
nods and rubs his thumb over Justin’s lips.
“Do all your best friends get such…benefits?”
Justin
almost bursts out laughing. “You mean
Trace?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Oh, C. Baby, you are
too much!” Justin kisses Josh deeply and
rolls him onto his back. “You jealous, C? Huh?”
Justin teases as he fondles the tip of Josh’s penis with his thumb. “Are you?”
“You
know I am.” The shame is obvious on
Josh’s face, but Justin kisses it away.
“No,
C. This,” Justin groans as he spreads
Josh’s legs with his thighs and thrusts his awakening cock against Josh’s
achingly hard one, “This…is only for my very…very…very best friend.” They kiss, and
Josh blushes. “It’s only for you, baby.”
“Good,”
Josh squeaks. He sucks Justin’s tongue
into his mouth, getting it nice and wet before Justin uses it on his nipples.
“Uh,
these feel so good in my mouth.”
“Justin…mmm, sweetheart.”
“You’re
so tight, C.” Justin licks circles all
over Josh’s pecs and abdominal muscles. He knows how hard Josh has been working, but
he remembers what Josh looked like before.
He loves him both ways. “Mmm…your skin. Your body is amazing.”
“Wanted to keep up with you.”
“Really now, JC?” Justin giggles.
“Wanted to…look good…for you.” Justin stops licking into Josh’s navel long
enough to look up into his eyes. They’re
uncertain, hard to read. Before Justin
can ask, though, Josh smiles and giggles.
“Just playing, J.”
“Oh.” Justin forces a smile and goes back to
kissing his way down Josh’s treasure trail.
He forces the disappointment away; he has no right to expect that Josh
would work out more often for anyone but himself. Still, the idea of Josh wanting to become
even more
beautiful for him makes his heart flutter.
He can’t help wanting it, especially when Josh massages his shoulders
and head and murmurs, “Yes, baby…wanted this for so long, honey.” Justin has no time for confusion. Not with Josh’s cock right underneath his
chin. He gives it a few strokes, watches
it strain toward his awaiting mouth, and glances up at Josh. He smirks when he finds him nibbling a
thumbnail.
“Why
are you nervous?” Justin whispers.
“Because
I want you to like me,” Josh states plainly.
Justin takes the thumb out of Josh’s mouth and slips it inside his
own. He sucks it wet before placing the
hand on the back of his own neck, at the base of the skull, at the tingling
pressure point Josh discovered earlier tonight.
“I like you,
Josh. I really like you...so damn
much.” He takes Josh’s gasp as his cue,
and eagerly takes the penis into his mouth.
It’s been a long time since Justin’s
had a cock in his mouth, but his technique comes flooding back soon
enough. His way of
swirling his tongue around the circumference of the head. The way he licks the balls in short, teasing
strokes. The way he bobs his head
slowly, letting his mouth tighten on the organ, lubricating it with his
saliva. He forgets to breathe once, and
has to stop for a second, but Josh keeps meowing and arching anyway. And it’s hot, the way Josh writhes like he’s
in pain and calls Justin baby and sweetie and beautiful. Justin’s never gotten off just from giving
someone else pleasure, but if Josh keeps this up—the begging for more, the
spread-eagled dancing on his back, the careful thrusts up into Justin’s tight
mouth—he’s sure he could do it tonight.
“Yes…yessssss,
baby.”
“Mmmm.”
“So good,” Josh whispers. “Yes, right there.” Justin tickles the perineum again before
kneading and pulling on the testicles.
Josh hisses his approval.
“Perfect…oh…perfect. So sweet, J.”
“Uuummm.”
Justin licks the precum from his lips, flicks
his tongue into the opening that is its source, and opens wide again. The penis fills his mouth, and he loves every
inch of it.
“God, Justin!” Josh arches, throwing his head back as he
holds Justin’s head tight against his crotch.
If Justin had any hair to speak of, surely his roots would be hollering
from Josh’s firm grasp. Something to
remember come wintertime, Justin thinks, and then his face gets hot. It’s too scary to wonder about it. And right now he doesn’t
care, because Josh is breathing loud and fast and sexy, and all because of him. Justin forces Josh’s arms down on the bed and
lays his large hands on Josh’s chest. He
squeezes the nipples between index and middle fingers, all the while still
sucking the hell out of the cock in his mouth.
“Oh, baby! Fuck…going to…soon,
Justin.”
“Mmm, give
it to me.”
“Justin. Oh.
Want you.” Josh curls up and
starts to shake. “Please…fuck…Justin,
please. I want…ohhhhhhh. Ohmigo…Justin…I…looooooohhhh!” Justin
nearly comes too when Josh explodes in his mouth. It’s hotter and more intense and sexier and
more romantic than he’s ever imagined.
He drinks Josh’s semen as quickly as he can,
only losing a little due to Josh’s trembles.
Justin doesn’t know if it’s his blinding love for Josh makes it taste so
good, or if it just plain tastes good.
Whichever, he licks Josh clean and swallows all Josh offers him.
Once
Josh’s body stops vibrating, Justin kisses his penis goodbye and slides up his
sweat-damp body into a sated kiss. Josh
sighs as he catches his breath, kissing Justin with closed eyes. Justin watches and alternately kisses Josh’s
lips and whispers, “Beautiful…you’re so beautiful.” He plays with Josh’s damp curls, kisses his
eyelids, strokes Josh’s skin, tells him he’s
amazing. Josh hums in his post-orgasmic
high, opening his eyes finally with a wide grin. Again they kiss, softly at first, but it
intensifies after only a few seconds.
Before long Justin finds himself grinding his budding erection against
Josh’s warm cock.
“You. Justin.” Josh smiles as he reaches down to stroke the
hard flesh pressed against him. Justin
giggles.
“Can’t help it.
You’re hot.”
“Mmmm, baby.” They
kiss deeper. They wrap arms and legs
around each other. They suck on necks
and chins. They whimper into open mouths
and against beating hearts. Josh stares
at Justin with such intensity that it’s almost alarming. “Wow.”
“What?”
“I
just, I mean, after all these months.
You made me.” Josh’s voice lowers
to a faint whisper as he blushes. “You
made me come, man.”
“You
made me come first, C.” Their mouths and
bodies crush together in a beautiful rhythm, any first-time awkwardness long
since gone. Josh has apparently learned
right away how to talk with his mouth full of Justin’s tongue, and Justin has
accustomed himself to Josh’s astonishing flexibility. He’d be a little freaked at the bendiness, at
the seemingly uncomfortable angles with which Josh twists and turns and arches,
if Justin didn’t know about Josh’s gymnastic youth. Instead he smiles happily as Josh clings to
him and wraps his legs high around his back.
“You
feel so good,” Justin groans.
“You, too.”
“Ohhh.”
“Jussss…mmmm…that’s it…ride me.”
“Do
you have any idea what you do to me, C?”
“Want…you.”
“Want
you, too.”
“Mmm…kiss me, baby.”
Josh growls as their movement becomes more impatient, more
passionate. He’s panting again…and he’s
hard again. Justin’s in heaven again.
“So sweet.” Justin
sucks on Josh’s bottom lip as he humps him harder, strokes him faster, with
Josh’s legs tightening around him. The
bed shakes, and they’re both gasping each other’s names. For a second it’s like they’re actually—
“Justin…God…oh…take
me.”
Justin
abandons the spot on Josh’s neck that he hopes will be a hickey tomorrow. He looks deep into Josh’s eyes. “Wh-what?”
“Take
me, Justin.” Josh licks his lips and
softly utters, “Fuc—make…make love…to me.”
Justin
is frozen. His heart pounds in
preparation to send the necessary additional blood throughout his body. He opens his mouth, but he can’t seem to form
a coherent word. It’s everything he
wants…but not the way he wants it.
“Just. I want you.”
Josh looks suddenly very young.
“Don’t you…want me?”
“God,
C. I do.
I do. But...Josh, I don’t know—”
“Oh my God. I’m
sorry. I’m sorry,” Josh mumbles, his
whole body going pink.
“No,
we need to talk about—”
“You’re
right, J. It’s not—you’re right.” Josh sits up, against Justin’s will, and
moves away to the end of the bed. He
runs his hands through his hair and catches his breath. His mortification is obvious. Justin sighs guiltily and rubs Josh’s back.
“It’s
just that, um, I think if we…it would confuse…things. Me.”
It’s not exactly the But I’m in love with you that Justin wants
to say, but his mind isn’t quite working right yet, after one mind-blowing
orgasm and what seemed like another one on the way.
“I
get it, Justin. You don’t have to
explain.” Josh sighs and rubs the
wetness from his lips. The gesture hurts
Justin a little, but not as much as Josh saying, “The ‘friends with benefits’
thing shouldn’t be confusing.”
“What?”
“Maybe
we went too far.”
“Josh,
I didn’t say that.”
“Maybe
‘friends with benefits’ is too…intimate…for us.”
“Fuck,
Josh, I didn’t—ugh!” Justin wants to
scream. And he never wants to hear that
dreaded 3 word phrase again. “You sound
like you regret it.”
“I
didn’t say that.” Josh leans over,
elbows on knees, and lays his face in his hands. They don’t say anything for a while. Justin sits back against the wall and tries
to replay the last 60 seconds in his head to figure out what the hell just
happened. It’s scary, the tension that’s
fallen over them. Justin is afraid to
say anything at all. He did suggest this
arrangement after all. But Josh agreed
to it. Maybe that hurts a little,
too. As badly as he wants Josh right
now, he knows he can’t have casual sex with him. It’d hurt too
much. So he brings up the subject that’s
been nagging him all day.
“So,
um, did you read the email about the
“What?” Josh sighs and scratches his head. “Oh, yeah. What about it?”
“Sounds
like a good opportunity.”
Josh
waits a long time before answering, “I suppose.”
“I
mean, new office, paid moving expenses, a chance for a management
position.” Justin wrings his hands. This is so hard. “You’re gonna apply, right?”
“What
are you talking about?” There’s a tinge
of annoyance in Josh’s voice, but Justin soldiers on anyway.
“It’s
perfect for you, man.” Justin continues
with his eyes in his lap. “You could be
in
“Justin,
how could—ugh!” Josh cuts himself off,
takes a breath, and speaks softly. “I
could pursue music here, if I wanted to.
And who says I want to?”
“Oh, c’mon, C.
“Yeah,
but—”
“You
have friends out there in the business.
And you’ve been writing and playing so much lately. Maybe…maybe you weren’t ready for it
before.” Justin swallows and nibbles his
thumbnail. “But you’re ready now. You could work until you make it—and even if
you don’t, at least you’d have tried.”
Justin can feel Josh’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t look up. “You love it there, you said so
yourself. I know you miss it. And it’s got to be easier to be out in
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, so.” Justin
pulls the askew bedcovers over his naked body.
“There’s no harm in at least applying for it.”
“I
could say the same for you.”
“But…you’ve
got everything to gain by going, C.”
“What’s
that supposed to mean?” The annoyance is
back in Josh’s voice.
“Didn’t
you hear me? Your friends, being closer
to the music industry, surfing—”
“I
can surf here, Justin!”
“Josh,
you know what I meant.”
“No,
I don’t think I do.”
Justin
pauses, searching for the right words.
“You left because you were running away from Tony.” Josh sighs exasperatedly. “You wanted to start over, and you did. You got over him. So there’s no need to run anymore.” Josh looks at him like he’s speaking
gibberish. “
“Everything
that matters is right here,” Josh says in a small voice.
“Except your future.”
Justin musters the nerve to return Josh’s troubled gaze. “You’re a musician, Josh, not a computer
programmer.”
“Don’t
tell me what I am!” Josh snaps.
“I
know you. I know you hear music in your
sleep. I know because I’ve watched
you! It’s in your blood, and you know
it. If there’s a chance that you can try
again, why wouldn’t you take it?”
“Why
are you doing this? Why are you forcing
this?”
“Because
I’m your best friend, and I want what’s best for you!”
Josh
stands up and throws his hands up in the air.
“How do you know what’s best for me? How do
you know I’m not happy right here?”
“I
know because if I were in your shoes, I’d go!”
Josh closes his mouth into a tight frown.
“You
don’t get it. You really don’t get it,
do you?” Josh whispers. Justin can feel
Josh slipping away, but it’s too late to take it all back. And the worst part is that it’s all true—all
but Justin’s last statement.
“I
want you to be happy, and I know you’d be happy pursuing a music career.”
“And
you think
His
heart beating heavily in his chest, Justin forces himself to utter, “There’s
nothing for you here, and everything for you there. Why would you want to stay?” It’s a push, but it’s
also a request, a plea for an answer, the answer to a question seven months in the making. He hopes for some sort of reaction that might
lead to the end of all the questions, but instead there is silence. He looks up, and his heart breaks. Josh looks more hurt than he’s ever seen him.
“Maybe—”
Josh coughs, clears his throat. “Maybe
you’re right.” He turns and walks like a
zombie over to the place on the floor where his clothes lay in a pile, where
Justin tore them off and tossed them aside in order to get Josh naked. Justin’s throat starts to close, his eyes
suddenly becoming heavy and painful as he watches Josh get dressed. He counts to ten, and then flies off the bed.
“No,
don’t go like this.” Justin tries to
kiss him, tries to pull him back to the bed.
“Listen to me, C! We need to talk
this out.”
“No. Stop.
We can’t…Justin. Don’t.” Josh slips out of Justin’s grasp, leaving his
best friend shaken and confused. “Just,
don’t kiss me. Don’t touch me.”
“What’s
wrong?”
“What’s
wrong?” yells Josh. “I can’t do this
anymore, that’s what’s wrong!” Josh
holds his hands out, keeping Justin at arms length. “Fuck, J.
You and me…this has been the…the best five days of my life.” His voice cracks as his eyes redden. “And the worst. I can’t keep doing this.”
“Can’t
keep doing what, baby?”
“I
can’t keep making—I can’t keep being with you like this and pretending that
it—God, that it doesn’t mean something else.
That it doesn’t mean more to—”
“Don’t,”
Justin gasps miserably, sure that Josh was going to say That
it doesn’t mean more to you, Justin.
“Fuck,
Justin. I can’t even…I’ve gotta go.”
“I
don’t understand!” Justin pleads, trying to grab Josh from a retreat. “I thought you wanted this.”
“No,
I can’t. It hurts too much.”
“What?” Justin flops down on the bed. He can’t get his thoughts together. His mouth is like cotton, his stomach
suddenly sour. It’s too fast, too much,
and he doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t know how to stop Josh from shoving
his tie into his pocket and grabbing his shoes.
“Josh.” It barely leaves his
lips. He can’t believe this is
happening. He can’t believe Josh is so
eager to get away from him that he can’t even be bothered to put on his shoes.
Josh
freezes for a second, and then looks around the bedroom like he’s studying
it. Like he’s
memorizing it. Justin can feel
the tears coming.
“Please
don’t go,” Justin chokes out in a wee voice.
“Please.”
“I’m
sorry. I have to go.” Josh sniffs and walks over to the bedroom
door. Before he walks out, he mutters in
a sad, succumbing voice, “Like you said.
There’s nothing for me here anymore.”
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