You Bring Me Joy

(Like a Best Friend Should)

Chapter Five

9. Piano bar Saturday night

Days turn into weeks, and short, itemized emails turn into long, detailed conversations. More than once Justin finds that he’s done hardly any actual work all morning, and he has to tell Josh to shut the hell up or he’ll get fired. Josh always obliges, and soon enough Justin is emailing him again.

It takes Justin a while to get up the nerve to call Josh. He memorized the phone number the night Josh gave it to him, but he has yet to use it. He thinks of something work-related to ask, and quickly dials Josh’s number one Saturday afternoon. They end up talking for hours, and decide to go out for a beer. After another talkative hour, they decide to just meet for dinner instead. Josh asks, hesitantly, if he should call Joey and the others. Justin swallows the squeak in his voice and issues an emphatic “no.”

“Oh, ok,” Josh responds, the smile in his voice apparent over the airwaves.

“Unless you want to!” Justin adds quickly.

“No, no, that’s ok,” Josh laughs. “I just thought I should mention it. To be polite. Wouldn’t want the guys to find out and feel weird or anything!”

“Shut up!” Justin laughs.

He spends half an hour picking out something to wear.

They talk nonstop through dinner. When the check comes, Josh insists on paying.

“I can’t let you do that,” Justin asserts as he grabs for his wallet.

“Why not?” Josh asks bewilderedly.

“Because…it…it would be too much like a…you know,” says Justin as he lowers his voice.

“A what, Justin?” Josh asks with a smile.

“A date.”

“Would that be so bad?” Josh teases. When Justin blushes, Josh smiles and hits his arm. “I’m kidding, J. Can’t a man buy dinner for his good friend?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Josh smiles as he lays the cash down on the table. It makes Justin feel weird, in a good way. “So, I’m your ‘good friend’ now?”

“I’m afraid so,” Josh sighs as he stands. “Gotta problem with that?” Justin smiles and shakes his head no.

“Thanks for dinner, Josh.” Justin stands and touches Josh’s arm. “Dinner’s on me next time.”

“You’re on!”

When they reach his car Josh hurries around to open the passenger door for Justin, who utters a quiet “thank you.” Josh nods and presses a warm hand into the small of Justin’s back as he moves past him. Justin feels very much like he’s the girl in this no-date date. He also feels like it’s not entirely unpleasant.

“Thanks again for dinner,” Justin says once they exit the parking lot.

“My pleasure.” Josh drives down the street fairly slowly. Then he starts to nibble on his thumbnail.

“Stop that!” Justin laughs and gently pulls Josh’s hand away from his mouth. He hesitates, holding Josh’s fingers in his hand. They’re slim and tapered and warm and strong. He holds them a second too long, and then they start to curl around his own. Justin can feel his pulse quicken. “That’s a bad habit, man.” Justin places Josh’s hand on the steering wheel and then turns to look out his window. Josh sighs loudly, but says nothing. Justin starts to panic when he sees them heading toward the turn leading back to his apartment. “Uh, where are we going now?”

Josh perks up a bit. “You wanna do something?”

“Might as well,” Justin says, trying to sound nonchalant. Josh passes the exit, and Justin breathes easy again.

“So what do you usually do on a Saturday night?” Josh asks, his eyes steady on the road.

“I don’t know. Maybe go dancing if I can convince my friends to go with me. Or to a party or something. Or I just hang out at home.”

“Alone?”

“Yeah.”

“What about dating?”

“Wha—what about dating?” Justin stammers, causing Josh to smile at him.

“Do you ever go out on dates?” Josh asks casually.

“Well,” Justin starts slowly, looking out the window again, “I haven’t been on a date in while.”

“Why is that, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“I—where are we going anyway?”

“I don’t know, I’m just driving.” They stop at a light and Josh notices the nervous look on Justin’s face. “You want me to take you home?”

“No! I mean, no.” Justin sighs and considers biting his fingernail.

“You wanna just park somewhere? So we can talk?”

“Yeah, I do.”

They drive around until they find an empty parking lot. They sit in silence for a few minutes, Josh running fingers through his hair, Justin trying not to watch him. Finally Josh clears his throat.

“So, why haven’t you been on a date in so long?”

“I guess I haven’t met…anyone…that I’ve wanted to go out with…in a while,” Justin says softly, choosing his words carefully.

“What are you looking for?”

“I don’t know,” Justin chuckles. “Same thing everyone’s looking for: intelligence, compatibility, sense of humor, common interests, a good heart, compassion…and a dead hot body!”

“Oh!” Josh smiles his big, crinkly-eyed smile. Justin suddenly wants to touch that smile. And those lips. “I imagine you have plenty of opportunity.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Lots of…people…would be interested in you. You’re a, um, you’re a very attractive man,” Josh says. He smiles when Justin blushes bright red. “Justin, you should see your face, man. Don’t be embarrassed, you know you’re a hottie,” Josh says confidently. Justin looks down at his hands and cringes.

“You’re one to talk.”

“What does that mean?” Josh asks.

“You, um. I could say the same about you,” Justin mutters. He rubs his face to hide how red it’s become.

“You could?” Josh whispers. Justin nods slowly. He tries not to smile, but it’s no use. “Oh.” Justin looks over to find Josh blushing and scratching his chin, a long finger inching toward his mouth. Josh catches him looking and quickly removes his hand. “So, um, anyway, what was I saying before? Oh, so, um, you haven’t met anyone in a long time.” Justin nods. “So, tell me about your last relationship.”

“My last relationship, or my last relationship?” Justin says with a smile. Josh smiles back.

“Both!” Justin likes that Josh seems so eager to know things about him. He’s just as eager to know everything about Josh.

“Well, contrary to what Christopher thinks, I don’t…um…I don’t sleep with a lot…I don’t sleep around a lot,” Justin explains. “I did that in college, and it just gets old real fast.”

“Same here,” Josh says.

“Yeah. So. I guess the last time I was with someone was a few months ago,” Justin says softly as he scratches his knee. “Just this woman I hooked up with at a club. It didn’t last too long,” Justin murmurs. He clears his throat. “That, uh, seems to be a pattern with me. As much as women—sometimes--throw themselves at me—ugh, I hate to say it like that—”

“It’s ok, Justin, it’s true,” Josh says, patting Justin’s elbow reassuringly. “Go on.”

“It’s just…I don’t know. I guess I don’t have what it takes to make a woman happy,” Justin says plainly.

“Oh.”

“No! Not like that!” Justin laughs. “Oh, believe me, I make them happy!”

“I don’t doubt that!”

“Ha ha! Yeah, I’m just saying that, um, I don’t know what I’m saying. Women love me and then leave me.” Justin shrugs. “Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.”

“What about you?” Josh asks, his eyes searching Justin’s. “Did you love them?” Justin looks away as he thinks, hard.

“I don’t know,” Justin whispers. Josh rubs his arm soothingly.

“It’s ok not to know,” Josh says after a few seconds of silence. “You’re still young, Justin. You’re still finding yourself.” Justin shifts in his seat, and Josh pulls his hand away. Justin watches it go, and misses its comfort. “Maybe you’ll figure things out after you’ve had more, um, experiences.”

“I don’t need more experiences, I need…”

“What? What do you need, Justin?” Josh asks. Justin looks at him, his sweet silvery eyes, his beautiful face, his lips asking questions that Justin doesn’t think he wants to answer. Justin opens his mouth, but his fear gets the better of him.

“Enough about me,” Justin says, shaking his head. “Tell me about your love life.” Josh looks a little disappointed, but then he shrugs and sits back in his seat.

“Nothing much to tell, really. I’m not seeing anyone right now, so, um, yeah.” Josh starts to gnaw bashfully on his thumb, and Justin almost backs off the subject. But he really wants to know.

“Tell me about your first love, Josh.”

“Ok.” Josh stares off into space. “High school, back home, before my family moved to Florida. She was an artist. She wore these funky glasses and combat boots,” Josh says wistfully. “We used to talk about everything. She was so fucking smart. And beautiful. She got me, you know?” Justin nods and waits for him to continue. “She painted a picture of us the week before I moved away. I still have it somewhere. It was…it was sweet.” Josh takes off his seatbelt, and Justin follows suit.

“I wonder what you were like in high school,” Justin blurts out, and tries not to blush. Josh smiles but doesn’t look at Justin. “Um, anyway. You said you’d been in love a few times, right?”

“Yes,” Josh answers, and then he looks at Justin curiously. “You remember that?”

“Yeah, I remember.” Josh smiles at him. “So, when was that?”

“Um, in college. And after.” Josh goes for his thumb again, but makes a fist instead. “I was in a few good relationships. And a few ok ones. The last one ended, um, almost a year ago.” Josh bites his lip and leans his head back on the headrest. He closes his eyes and says, “I got hurt. So I moved back here, to start over, I guess.”

They’re quiet for a minute, until Justin says, “Sounds serious.”

“It was, or so I thought.” Justin looks down to see Josh’s leg bouncing. Josh notices the same thing. “Let’s get some air.”

They walk around a bit, stretching and making small talk about the weather. Then Josh gets quiet and leans against the side of the Jeep. Justin leans next to him.

“We were together for 2 years,” Josh says sadly. “We lived together. We were a couple, you know? I thought we were happy…but I guess we weren’t. Now I look back and see that I wasn’t truly happy with—long story short, it wasn’t the real thing. It just looked good. Does that make sense?”

“I think so,” Justin says.

“And to think that I thought we were going to get married and have kids!” Josh scoffs.

“Married?” Justin whispers. He walks away from Josh, pulling his arms around himself as he goes. He’s ashamed to admit how surprised he is. Maybe surprised isn’t the word.

“Yeah, married,” Josh replies. “2.3 kids, white picket fence, in-laws, the whole works.”

“I see.” Justin goes back and avoids Josh’s gaze. He focuses instead upon this mystery woman—woman—who was stupid enough to give up someone like Josh. “What happened?”

“I got dumped,” Josh says, looking down at the ground. “Cheated on. Taken advantage of, betrayed, whatever.” Justin finally looks up to see Josh rubbing his eyes.

“Does it still hurt?” Justin asks.

“Sometimes.” Josh lets out a long sigh. “I just…I wonder what I did. Was I not good enough?”

“Josh—”

“Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like that again,” Josh says, his eyes so sad, his voice almost trembling, and that’s all Justin needs. He’s there, wrapping his arms around Josh before he can stop himself. Justin sighs when he feels Josh’s arms around him, strong and supportive. They don’t say anything; they just hug for a long time.

“I’m sorry about that,” Josh whispers once they break the embrace. He looks at Justin closely. “I didn’t mean to go all girly on you.” Justin smiles. “You just…I can…I feel like I can talk to you and you actually listen to me, and I like that. And since I’ve moved back here I haven’t really had many people to talk to and I feel comfortable with you and I like sharing with you and I’m babbling, I’m sorry!”

“It’s ok,” Justin laughs.

“I do that sometimes,” Josh giggles.

“I’ve noticed.”

“You’re a good friend, Justin,” Josh says, looking Justin directly in the eye. “I feel like I can tell you…almost anything.”

“I feel the same way,” Justin whispers.

“Are you sure about that?” Josh asks gently. A gust of wind blows Josh’s hair into his eyes, and Justin is there, brushing it out of Josh’s face almost instantly. There’s no time to feel awkward. Josh’s hand comes up to touch Justin’s. It’s warm despite the cold air.

“Tell me something,” Josh whispers. “Something important, Justin. Something that shows me who you really are.” Justin swallows hard and steels himself.

“Ok. I—” Justin feels his cell phone go off in his coat pocket. He starts to ignore it, but chickens out and steps away, breaking the hold Josh had on his hand. He flips the phone open and grumbles, “Hello? Oh, hey, Joey. What am I doing? I’m…what are you doing?” Josh sighs and slumps against the side of the car. “Oh yeah, that sounds good. Did you call the other guys? Ok. Yeah. Josh?”

“What?” Josh asks before realizing Justin isn’t addressing him.

“Yeah, but you don’t have to call him,” Justin says into the phone, then walks back over to his friend. “Josh is right here. With me.” They both smile broadly. “Yeah, he’s right next to me. Ok, I’ll ask him.” Justin mutes the phone. “Wanna go to a piano bar with the guys?” When Josh nods enthusiastically, Justin tells Joey, “Ok, we’re there. Yeah. No, Josh and I already ate.” They smile at each other again. “Alright, Joe, see you there.”

“So, did Joey sound weird to you?”

“You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?” Justin sighs as he walks to his side of the car. “You’ll just tease me for the rest of our lives, won’t you?”

“Sounds good to me.”

<<CHAPTER FOUR STORY INDEX CHAPTER SIX>>

FEEDBACK UPDATES LIST MAIN INDEX