The 19th January I went for a walk with my Daughter. Coming back I had such a back ache I was crying as I walked into my Street. I didn't think anymore of it once I got to sit and rest.
The 20th January I went to my normal Hospital appointment, and they did the heart test and couldn't find his heartbeat. They then sent me for a Ultrasound and still nothing. Going by the Hospital records (on the previous visit, no one had written anything in my folder) So they said you had been dead atleast a couple of weeks. But in my hospital book it was written your heart beat and size. They still tried to tell me that I had lost him a couple of weeks before hand, but he had grown since my last visit. And I heard and knew what his heartbeat was. They booked me in for first thing the next morning.
I cried whilst they told me everything, then I guess I went numb. As I didn't cry again. My exs Mother picked me up and tool me home. I rang my Mum and she came straight over. I then had to break the news to Ashleigh. I had never seen her so upset before, as she was so looking forward to it. (She had beg to come in with me when I had him and she had the future planned.) This day changed alot for both her and myself. My Exs Mum then left to go and tell him when he got home from work. Then she was going to bring him back.
My Mum then rang Cyndi (Eldest) and then went to pick her up. I was talking with a neighbour about it about 6pm when labour actually started. Mum and Cyndi didn't get back till 10.30pm that night. I didn't think I was going to make the night as the Labour went right through till 4am. I didn't sleep at all. I had to stop Ashleigh from coming into the labour with me as I didn't know what to expect and didn't want her upset by it, so that broke her heart.
First thing Friday 21st Morning. My Ex, his Mum, my Mum and myself went to the Hospital. Most of the day was like a normal birth, with the Midwife checking on me regually. Conversations and comments made me laugh. The only difference was having a Counsellor come in in the middle of it, to discuss options with me and being asked if I wanted a Priest.
The worse feeling is not hearing the cries of a new born, it made me feel strange after I had him as I knew something was missing, but couldn't work out what. I also miss that when he was born everyone saw him straight away. I didn't see him till he was wrapped. The midwife held him up briefly and said "It's a boy", but not long enought for me to see him.
We got to hold him, and cuddle him. We were given the option of having him in the room with us for the night, but I didn't know if I could cope with that, so asked to have him first thing the next morning. We did keep him with us till a little later in the evening. Both my Daughters and Exs Dad came up to see and hold him. We got lots of photos of him with everyone and many by himself. The Hospital also made up a memory book with a snip of hair, hand/foot prints, and some photos they took.
For along time I just drifted along. I felt fine, I just went on to organise the Funeral and everything else. It took months before it hit me, when it come time to start getting rid of the things I had bought, I just broke down.
But sometimes with Tragedy comes happiness and the Ex and I got back together to support each other. Unfortuantly yet again it didn't last, and that is when alot of things hit me more. I stayed strong for so long for everyone and when I started to crumble no one could handle it.
Usually a day or two before the 21st of each Month I feel very down, and stay like that on the 21st. I try to find things to keep me occupied on and around that date, so I don't get so down.
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