| "It was just another story written on the second page, underneath the Tiger's football score. It said he was only 18, a boy about my age. They found him face down on the bedroom floor. There'll be services on Firday at the Lawrence Funeral Home. Then out on Mooresville Highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone... How do you get that lonley, how do you hurt that bad. To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go. How do you get that lonley, and nobody know? Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun? Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol? Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son? Did no one see tha twriting on the wall? I'm not blaming anybody, we all do the best we can. I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand... How do you get that lonley, how do you hurt that bad. To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all is better than the life that you had. Hod do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go. How do you get that loney... and nobody know? RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Blaine Larson, How Do You Get That Lonley } I went to high school in McMinnville, TN, which is in Warren County. At first I didn't have a lot of friends at school, when I was a freshman and sophomore. But right around the time I became a Junior something changed, I came out of my shell and starting activly trying to make friends, and I was pretty successful in that regard. It seemed that most of the friends that I made were girls though. I don't know what it was, I guess I was just more comfortable around someone that I would never be attracted to. Anyway, some of those relationships have continued for years. Lorrie is a good example of that. There was of course some of those friends that I haven't kept in touch with over the years. One of those was Jessica. She and I became friends in school around the end of my sophomore year. She was in the band and I occasionally went to the football games to see the band and I started hanging around the bandroom sometimes after school. I was usually there anyway working on the school yearbook or the paper or something, I was always too involved for my own good. I even went to church with Jessica a few times in the evenings and I met her family and spent some time with the on and off for a couple of years. Jessica has one brother, Bryan, and two awesome parents, who like mine, lived their lives for their children. As the time passed and I became better friends with Jessica, I also became good friends with her brother Bryan, he was ten years younger than me and probably around 11 years old at that time. But since I spent a lot of time around Jessica, I got to know bryan pretty well too. Over one summer, I couldn't tell you which, maybe 95 or 96, I spent pretty much the entire summer hanging out a Jessica & Bryan's house during the day. Bryan was good friends with a guy named steven then too, and we all spent a lot of days together horsing around, wasting time and doing pretty much nothing constructive other than having fun. I was friends with Lorrie then as well, and as friendships too, lorrie met Bryan and Jessica and we all became friends. Over then next few years we spend sporatic amounts of time together, Bryan and Lorrie actually eneded out hanging out at the same places and they became good friends. This was as time when I was on the phone constantly when I was at home and I used to talk to Jessica, and Bryan, all the time. One of the last conversations that I had with Jessica over the phone was in late 1997. I called her crying my eyes out after not speaking with her for a few month after I graduated. I was crying because that was the day that my parents found out about Jason and found out that I was gay. I told Jessica that I was really confused and she listened like a friend. But we didn't speak again for several years. Since then, I have seen Jessica and Bryan around a few times, Bryan more than Jessica because she got married and had kids, so goes live for the straight people I suppose. But Bryan was a different story. He graduated in 2001 I think, or somewhere around there, and he has bounced around a lot in his life since then. Not physically, but you know what I mean. He and Jessica were both very involved, along with their parents, in ther local church. And then Bryan, like me, got involved in some drug use and so on and so forth. Each time I would see him he was different. He always seemed very attached, but he always had a smile on his face, with lips that just made you want to smile back without thinking. A few months ago, Bryan was engaged to be married to his girlfriend of several years. But for whatever reason, after a conversation with her last saturday night I think, he hung up the phone and instantly took his own life, with several of his friends in the same room from what I understand. Reasons and modivations are irrelevent here in my opinion, but the world lost one of it's most awesome occupants. I went to the funeral today, and there was probably over 300 people there. It was amazing to see how many people that this young man affected in his brief lifetime. My emotions a this point lean toward the numb side, I feel so much for his family during this time, I cannot imagine what they must be going through. The service was the best one I have ever had the oppurtunity to experice and I am a stronger person because of it, 12 people actually dedicated their lives to God during the funeral. I know that I will miss Bryan's presence in this world. Though I haven't spent a lot of time with him in that past few years, I know that he was a special person, and all my thoughts are with his family right now, and on him. It's always so very sad to see a life wasted in that manner, especially one that had as much promise as Bryan's did. If that wasn't enough for the day, I am at home now and I have to start working ont he piles of homework that I should have had done weeks ago. I have to give a campaign speech in the amiptheatre on Monday Morning at 11 and I have two tests monday as well. No matter what's going on in the world, it never stops turning a break-neck speeds. But, I'll make it, that's my job I think. "Making it..." Good night everyone. |
| My Days.....page 58 |
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| "What I really meant to say, is I'm sorry for the way I am, I never meant to be so cold to you And I'm sorry about all the lies, maybe in a different light you could see me stand on my own again. 'Cause not I can see that you were the antidote that got me by, something strong like a drug that got me high. I never meant to be so cold. I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep locked inside so deep, It always seems to get to me, i never really wnted you to go, So many things you should have known. I gues for me theres just no hope... I never meant to be so cold." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Crossfire, COLD } Cold just went off and now signs by snoop is playing that sounds like he's got Michael Jackson and Justin Timberland singing in the background, I'm really not sure what dre's thinking letting snoop record some crap like that, not that I don't like it, it's just not characteristic of his music, oh well, evolution is everywhere I suppose. I really have nothing to say at this point. I started back to school today after spring break. They canceled tisl because the governor is an idiot, and I am very annoyed because I wanted more of a break, but oh well. The boys are still at my house, and my sister is coming tomorrow. I also got reaaquainted with my bennie's granddaughter shalley last night. An interesting woman she is, anyway, I'll write some more l8r. Always, nic |
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| Mar 14 , 2005 8:10pm E |
| "I don't want another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul. You're the one I want to chase, you're the one I want to hold, I won't let another minute go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul. I know that you are something special, to you I'd be always faithful. I want to be what you always needed, then I hope you see the heart in me. I don't want another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful sould, you're the one I want to chase you're the one I want to hold, I won't let another minute go to wast, I want you and your beautiful soul. You might need time to think it over, but I'm just fine moving forward. I'll ease your mind if you give me the chance, I will never make you cry, come on lets try. I want you and your beautiful soul. Am I crazy for wanting you, baby do you think that you could want me to. I don't want to waste your time... Do you see things the way I do? I just want to know that you feel it too, There is nothing left to hide... I don't want another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul. Your beautiful soul..." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Jesse McCartney, BEAUTIFUL SOUL } YAWN! I really should have gotten up a long time ago and started working on the mass of homework that I have to do. Oh well. I'll manage to get something done, but nothing compared to all the things that I need to do I'm sure. I'm not sure how I got so far behind though. I've had a lot of stuff going on with student government at school. But that should be no excuse, I should hav focused on my school work before I did that, and I will from this point on. I REFUSE to get lost in everything like I always tend to do. Which means I have mega work do do at this point and I really shouldn't even be writing here. I thought it would help me get a jumpstart and warm up my fingers before I started on the mass of papers that I have to write before monday. Geez, My crazy aunt ruby just called talking something about a car that she sold and she forgot to take the tags off, she was too sick to talk she said, whatever, my family is mostly crazy, me included I guess. She sold the car to some guy who is living in a crack house and she is complaining about him being rude to her, again, whatever. Anyway, lots of things have gone on since I updated last, though I really don't have the time to write about them in detail. I went to Atlanta with a group from school. We went to Atlanta Rocks for indoor rockclimbing. I really didn't climb that much, but it was fun to watch everyone else. On the trip I met and had some really interesting conversation with a guy named Nick. We all rode in a van there and back, so there was a lot of chances to talk. He is a member of the Morman church, and he taught me a lot about the church that I didn't know, it was really interesting actually. Anyway, I have to get some work done. Have a good day everyone, Always, nic. |
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| Mar 31 , 2005 11:21am C |
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| Apr 09 , 2005 8:29pm C |
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| Apr 17 , 2005 9:57am C |
| "I'm walking away, from the toubles in my life, I'm walking away, Oh to find a better, day, I'm walking away, from the toubles in my life, I'm walking away oh to find a better day. I'm walking away Sometimes some people get me wrong, when it's something I've said or done, sometimes you feel there is no fun, that's why you turn and run, but now I truly realize, some people don't want to comprimse, well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies. Well I dont want to live a lie, too many sleepless nights, not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say, I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life, I'm walking away, oh to find a better, I'm walking away from the troubles in my life, to find a better day. Well I'm so tired baby, of the things you say, you're driving me away, don't listen to the games they play. I thought you'd realize, I'm not like them other guys, I saw them with my own eyes, they should have been more wise. Well, I don't want to live a lie, too many sleepless nights, not mentioning the fights, I'm walking away, to find a better day." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO: { Craig David, Walking Away } Well, I'm not walking away, that just happened to be what I was listening to. First of all, I have no one to walk away from, and I'm certainly not walking away from my life when I'm having so much fun, even as confusing at that may sound. Things are crazy! But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, hah, thats all for now, |
| Apr 23 , 2005 6:07pm C |
| "Empty Spaces fill me up wth holes. Distant faces with no place left to go. Without you within me I can't find no rest. Where I'm going is anybody's guess. I've tried to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is incomplete. Voices tell me I should carry on, but I am swimming in an ocean all alone. Baby, my baby, it's written on your face, you still wonder if we made a big mistake. I've tried to go on like I never knew you, I'm awake but my world is half asleep, I've prayed for this heart to be unbroken. But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete. I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go. I don't wanna make you face this world alone, I don't want to face this world alone. I'm so tired inside, wanting, waiting. I've trued to go on like I never knew you, I'm awake but my world is half asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken. But without you, all I'll ever be is incomplete..." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO: { Backstreet Boys, Incomplete } You know, sometimes it's all so overwhelming. It seems that no matter what I do to change this world, to change myself, to change my attitudes and actions, that it's impossible to change anything. But I still try. Something that isn't going to change is the all the work that I have to do, at least it won't change for a couple of weeks anyway. I am so looking forward to being out of school for the summer. I still have to be there, but I won't have all the stress of school and everything to deal with. The spring and all the trees and flowers blooming is really awesome. I actually find myself staring somtimes during the day, going from one class to the next, at all the beautiful things around me. A really cool German art exhibit just came to our campus, it's going to be there for three months I think. I got a chance to go to an art symposium where the artists actually explained all the sculptures and how they were built. If you are in Chattanooga you should go by Chattanooga State. There are some scuptures there that are far from amazing. Most of them are balance oriented, which is something I need so much in my life right now - something I've been trying to create in my life for some time now. I'm getting closer, everything is a work in progress I guess. The song that is playing right now is tearing at my heart strings a bit. I guess because I feel so imcomlete sometimes. Not in the greater sense, it's just lonliness I guess. It seems that lonliness is no longer as friendly to me as it once seemed to be. I haven't actually dated in almost a year, I've been so caught up in school and the greater purpose that I can never seem to put my finger on. I know inside me that everything will work out, but I can't help but feel this dread toward growing older alone. However, you just never know. I guess I listen to those voices that tell me that I should carry on, and no matter how long I swim through the ocean alone, I still smile. I wonder though when those smiles are going to come to an end. "At a diner down on broadway they make small talk, when he brings his eggs and fills his coffe cup. He jokes about his love life, and tells him he's about ready to give up. That's when the waiter says, "I've been there before, But keep lookin,' 'cause maybe who you're looking for is..." Somebody in the next car, somebody on the morning train, somebody in the coffee shop that you walk right by every day. Somebody that you look at but never really see. Somewhere out there is somebody. Across town in a crowded elevator, he can't forget the things that waiter said. He usually reads the paper, but today he reads a stranger's face instead. It's that blue-eyed boy from two floors up, mybe he's the one he could fall in love with. Somebody in the next car, somebody on the morning train, somebody in the coffee shop that you walk right by every day. Somebody that you look at but never really see. Somewhere out there is somebody." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO: { Reba McEntire, Somebody } I guess all this complaining makes me seems sad or unhappy, but I'm not. Things happen at their own pace, but that doesn't keep me from wanting them to happen faster, and more to my liking. I think it's time to get some work done. Ciao, Nic. |
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| "The dawn is breaking, a light shining through. You're barely waking and I'm tangled up in you. (yeah) You're open I'm closed. Where I'll follow you'll go. I worry I won't see your face light up again. Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find that you and I collide. I'm quiet, you know, You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know, I'm always on your mind. Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the stars refuse to shine, out of the back you fall in time, I somhow find that you and I collide. Don't stop here, I lost my place, I'm close behind... Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills your mind, You finally find that you and I collide. I finally found that you and I collide. We somehow found that you and I collide..." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Howie Day, Collide } It always seems that "out of the back" I fall in time. I'm not sure how it is that I live my life in this manner, with some many things going on that I hardly have time to breathe. I guess I like it that way. I have gotten a lot of work done over the past week, but I still have more to do. Lorrie's baby was born on Wednesday morning at 4:50am. I had just gotten to sleep three hours before her mom called and told me that I better get to the hospital, they were about to break her water. I don't think I have ever showered that quickly before, but I got there about fourty five minutes before he was born. He is beautiful Kaden Josiah is his name. You can see pictures of him here www.oocities.org/kaden_josiah. It was more than awesome to be there just after he was born. I watched as they bathed him for the first time, and he was none to excited about that. I'm so happy for Lorrie, I think this child will be the best that that has ever happened to her. As far as things with me are going, I finished my last day of classes yesterday. I have finals next week all week and several other things to do at school. They are unveiling the new Motorsports/Nascar program on monday morning at 11 and the mayor and the governor and all that jazz are going to be there. Horray, horray. You can tell how excited I am right? Rob talked with me yesterday for a while about my attitude and the way I conducted myself, telling me that I need to realize that I didn't always have to be right. He has a point I suppose, though he is just as bad or worse that I am. As I told him, that is one part of my personality that I have never been able to overcome. It's not that I think I'm right all the time, though I suppose it appears that way. I am just very competitive. I need to get that in check I suppose. I met someone new a couple of weeks ago. His name is Justin, and we have been talking everyday for almost two weeks now. We've hung out a couple of times, I think we both would have prefer to spend more time together, but things are a little to hectic for me right now. I guess partly I'm keeping my distance too, it has been a long time since I have really liked someone the way I seem to be developing feelings for him, it's always a little scary and neat at the same time. Needless to say, I will enjoy getting to know him more and spending more time with him after next weeks finals are over. I have to get a job though, which totally sucks, but you do what you have to do I guess. I'm going to work on my history, have a great day everyone... Ciao, |
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| April 30 , 2005 2:28pm C |
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| May 11 , 2005 11:39am C |
| "If heaven was an hour, it'd be twlight, when the fireflies start dancin' on the lawn. And supper's on the stove and mama's laughin' and everybody's working day is done If heaven was a town it would be my town, on a summer day in 1985, and everything I wanted was out there waiting and everyone I loved was still alive. Don't cry a tear for me now baby, There comes a time when we all must say goodbye. And if that's what heaven's made of, you know I ain't afraid to die. If heaven was a pie, it would be apple, so warm and sweet and heaven on the tongue, and just one bite would satisfy your hungry, and there'd always be enough for everyone. If heaven was a train it sure would be a fast one, to take thie weary traveler 'round the bend. And if heaven was a tear, it'd be my last one, and you'd be in my arms again." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO: { Andy Griggs, If Heaven } From walking away, to walking forward way to fast, it seems that I can't find the happy medium. If we are happy all the time I guess there's no encouragement to move forward in life. I am starting a new job on monday. I'm going to be working with my mother actually, I'm not sure what I think about that, but we'll see how it goes I guess. I have heard all my life that it's no good to live in the past, and I believe that's true. But it's hard not to reflect on the past and get caught up in it sometimes. I miss people from the life that I once had, as strange as that should be, because it wasn't a very happy existance. That doesn't change the postive relationships that I had with those that I met. It seems to me, that the more negative your life experience is, the stronger bonds you build with people sometimes, it's those bonds that I miss when I look back. Now I feel changed around, and instead of falling down, like I've alwyas done in the past, I'm standing up. Regardless, situations still get fucked up and turned around sooner or later. I could be another fool, or an exception to the rule, you tell me I guess. I'm still struggling forward though, toward what I have no clue. Some day I'll decided what I want, heh, I'll probably be the last to now actually, but thats how it works sometimes. No matter where you go there you are... I am apprently in love with the cliche today, hrm, what's my age again? Even though I am out of classes now, I am still working on papers. I didn't finish everything in my composition class and my instructor was kind enough to give me an incomplete in the class. Horray, horray, even more time to be annoyed with writing about things that I could care less about. But I do need to get to it, I actually need to take out the trash and mow the lawn too, but that is beside the point. There will never be enough time in the day to get the things done that I would liek to get accomplished. Again, that's how it goes I suppose. Lates, |