| My Days.....page 60 |
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| "Facile credo, plures esse Naturas invisibiles quam visibles in rerum universitate. Sed horum [sic] omnium familiam quis nobis enarrabit, et gradus et cognationes et discrimina et singulorum munera? Quid agunt? quae loca habitant? Harum rerum notitiam semper ambivit ingenium humanum, nunquam attigiat. Juvat, interea, non diffiteor, quandoque in animo, tanquam in tabula, majoris et melioris mundi imaginem contemplari: ne mens assuefacta hodierae vitae minutiis se contrahat nimis, et tota subsidat in pusillas cogitationes. Sed veritati interea invigilandum est, modusque servandus, ut certa ab incertis, diem a nocte, distinguamus." T. Burnet, Archaeologiae Philosophicae (1692), adapted by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 1797 "And there's three, count 'em three, children playing on the beach, they were eager to learn. To be taught, and to teach. There's Veronica, she's biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip. And there's Vada, radiating with Job and like Elise she still can't stand the sight of a boy. And lastly there's Dane, whose hair dances in the wind and he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly, 'Heaven's not a place that you go when you die it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment. And take this advice live by every word: love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have ever heard and live for the moment now.' And there's three, count 'em three, children growing on the beach, they were eager to learn, to be taught, and to to teach. There's Veronica, she's licking her lips as she waits for her real first passionate kiss. And there's Vada, she can't admit her jealousy of her sister Veronica and how she's so pretty. And lastly there's Dane, who's still sitting on the dock and ponders his life and he skips his rocks and he wonders when his father will return, but he's not coming back. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly, 'Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment. And take this advice live by every word: Love is just hoax so forget everything that you have ever heard.' And there's three, count 'em three, children missing from the beach, they were eager to learn to be taught and to teach. But the sad thing is that they never lived past the age of fifteen, due to neclect from their mother, who was bed-ridden by her ex-lover, and their father. And she didn't even notice or pay much attention as tide came in and swept her three into the ocean now all her advice it seems useless. No Heaven's not a place that you go when you die it's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive, so live for the moment. And take this advice live by every word: Love's completely real so forget anything that you have heard and live for the moment now. RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { the Tide, Spill Canvas } Man, what a ride. These past two months have been like a blur, sort of like being on a merry-go-round going much faster than you should be, not being able to make out anything surrounding you as you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. I guess this is how it always is with me, crazy really. My life seems to move in fits of fast and slow, with many more days going fast than otherwise. My last semester at school in Chattanooga is proving to be more challenging than all those before. I don't know if it's the classes that I chose, or everything else that's going on but it's seemingly making me crazy, if it were possible for me to be more so. Before the break, I started dating Chris, a guy I met on hotornot. He lives in Cleveland and goes to college there. He really is a nice guy and over the past few months we've become good friends. We decided not long ago that it would be better if we just stayed friends though, we both have busy lives and it was hard for us to spend any time with eachother. I hope that that is a friendship that will last for a long time because I really do enjoy spending time with him. I'm making plans to go to MTSU for more school after I graduate here in May. That will be something interesting. I've been there before and it didn't really work out the way that I had planned. I was a lot more immature than I am now, again if that is possible. I didn't go to class, and I hardly studied at all. This time, hopefully, things will be different. I haven't been accepted into the program that I want, but I'm going anyway, with hopes that I will be soon. In the meantime, I'm going to work on a double major. In January I went with Rob, the Student Government Advisor, to a meeting in Nashville at the Capitol to reform the Tennessee Intercolligate State Legislature, or TISL. I was elected as Attorney General for that organization, though I haven't really done anything since in that capacity. We've been planning a meeting of the executive council but haven't been able to make it work. That should be enough of an extracurricular activity for the next six months for me. Since I was elected as Student President at my school, things have become increasingly more difficult. The balance that I found when I first went there has been thrown all out of whack, but I'm struggling to get things under control. I'm really looking forward to graduating, but I'll really miss Chattanooga State too. It's become home over the past year and a half. I have a few good friends there and a lot of others that I know well. The faculty and staff are great, and it's just a great atmosphere. For about an hour the other day, I actually considered staying another year, until I realized how much of a step backward that would be. I'm not getting any younger, as the old saying goes. And I really need to step things up a bit and move forward. But I'm still trying to live for the moment, with the future always in mind, as hard as that is. Since Chris and I decided just to call it friends, which was a good idea I think, I've been getting closer and closer to a guy that I go to school with - Seth. He's several years younger than me, which is something in itself that I've been shying away from for a while. But we click really well and I enjoy every moment that we spend with eachother, even the hours that we've spent talking on the phone. I don't know what the future has in store for us, but I'm looking forward to it hopefully. I'm planning on spending this upcoming weekend with his at his grandparent's cabin in Georgia, not far from the Tennessee state line really. It will be good to get away - with someone who has no agenda. And I'll enjoy spending some time with Seth in a little more intimate setting. Well, I really need to be studying. The passage at the top is from something I've been reading. I'm sure you could google it if you so desire. Have a great day. Always. |
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| Feb 28 , 2006 3:38pm C |
| Am I more than you bargained for yet I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear. 'Cause that's just who I am this week. Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum I'm just a notch in your bedpost But you're just a line in a song. Drop a heart, break a name. We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team. We're going down, down in an earlier round. And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it. --- We're going down, down in an earlier round. And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it. Is this more than you bargained for yet Oh Don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet, Wishing to be the friction in his jeans. Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him. I'm just a notch in your bedpost but you're just a line in a song. (Notch in your bedpost but you're just a notch in a song) Drop a heart, break a name. We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team. We're going down, down in an earlier round. And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it. --- We're going down, down in an earlier round. And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it. RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Sugar We're Going Down - FALL OUT BOY } It's hard sometimes for me to sit down and make myself write these journals. I know that I had a huge break between the last time I was faithful to them and just recently when I started writing here again, but it's like, I let myself get caught in these whirlwinds of things, situations that I create and foster in my life to keep me pushing myself to the edge, to the point where everything is about to collapse, just to prove to myself that I can make it back. I'm feeling the pressure of the waning semester now, my last at this school, before I move on into a new situation, a new atmosphere, a new chapter in my life, to follow all the sporatic, random ones in the past. The biggest thing that I enjoy about writing here is the chance to go back, from year to hear and see that my life is heading in the right direction, or the wrong one for that matter. And though that may be confusing for anyone else reading these words, I can follow the graph of my sucesses and failures very easily from the words on these pages. Alas, it's time for me to step up on my soap box for a little while. Though this one will be much different than many of those in the past. The more and more interaction I have with people in different walks of life, the more diverse the population of my surroundings, the more I interact with people who have tried to or have succeeded in taking their own lives. The situation has gone beyond epidemic proportions. At this point, it seems like there are so many of our nation's and this world's young people, genx, genXy, however you want to refer to us, who are involved in situations that lead to suicide, either of the physical sense or of the emotional. I found out recently that a friend of mine that I knew from Atlanta took his life a few months ago. The pain that I feel even now when I think of him is horrible. He was an amazing, charasmatic, witty, beautiful person. He was originally from Hilton Head Island, in South Carolina, where I had the chance to visit him a few times on a couple of his trips home. For a period of a couple of years during my lifetime, he was one of the many that helped shape my thoughts and dreams and shared much of my time. We became good friends and for a time, were almost inseperable. It was one of those relationships where you couldn't have felt closer to someone if you were related by blood. We bonded like few people I have met in my lifetime. We fought constantly, we even got in a knife fight once at the Ramada Inn in Marietta. I'll always have the scar on my arm to remind me of that insaine moment that we shared. I took him to get stitches, I refused to get them - I wanted the scar. We loved eachother, in our own sense of the word, regardless of the traditional definition. I talked to him about a year ago, after we turned in different directions. He sounded like a little kid, scared, and lonley. I almost cried for him then, as I do cry for him now. Could there have been something that I could have done to affect his life in such a way to prevent his desolation? Is there something someone else could have done? Is there something you could have done? Yes, there's always something we can do - we can try, and keep trying to get through. I'm sure to someone who see's these words, I'll seem like the perfect example of someone your parents always warned you about when they said there were some crazy people in the world. But please realise that we all live our lives in different orders. I've chosen to allow my life to be randomly faceted, turning and changing like a prism's light in sunshine. The things I've learned along those paths have become priceless and impossible to put into words. I don't know what was going on in Jonathon's life when he choose to end it. We all spend so much more time in our own personal worlds than we ever want to admit. I know that he was in pain, and heavily addicted to drugs. I know when he started, I was there, it was the same time that I choose that path for my life. Though neither of us had a map to get into or out of that world - I found my way out, some how by the grace of God. It could just have easily have been me, maybe in the same way or a different way. Jonathon Levenkoff will always be a part of me, the things I learned from him during the time that he lived and especially following the end of his life. There are too many people in our society right now in hopeless situations. Conversely, too many of us sit happily on the hill in our warm houses and nice cars, not having to worry about the next bill, or the next meal, the next hit or the next job interview, the next insult, bout with depression or the next dissappointment. We live our lives, just as intentionally isolated as we have the audacity to insinuate that "those people" always choose for themselves, ignoring the growing percent of our population who is lost in a world of confusion. I beleive that most of us truly do place our happiness in other people's hands. It's sad, but it has become a custom that individuals in this neo-modern society participate in - everything that happens and each of the situations that we find ourselves in is measured against a culturally set norm which restricts the way that we live our lives. This is a fact of life that a lot of people never realise. It's also one of the major mistakes that we make as a world society. It is my sincere hope, and part of my life's mission, that in the future, from birth we will be taught to respect eachother and each individual life path that we choose for ourselves or that we find ourselves stranded in, or predisposed to. Only then will be working toward a society who isn't rapidly approaching a diagnosis of "failure to thrive." Lately, I've been watching tv a little more often that I usually do. I guess because I've been coming home earlier the past couple of weeks and I've had the chance to watch with my parents and enjoy spending some time with them. Last night I watched one tree hill which has been one of the few shows that I've keep up with on occoasion over the past couple of years. If anyone watched last night's episode, you'll understand how this quote so directly relates. But here it is either way: "This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war... Hoping for their safe return... But knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? When did it ever become okay? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?" It does get better- maybe you are one of those who can't seem to beleive that right now. But with time, as scary as that is to hear, all things change. You just have to keep trying, keep getting back on. The alternative is unnecessary and tragic and robs this world of your spark - your difference, your chance to change just one person's view of the world, even if that one person is you. If you are having feelings of depression and desperation, and you've ever even contemplated bringing your life to it's resolution - please, I'm begging you, talk to someone. Not just anyone random, but someone you trust, someone you truly look up to, someone who can help you see that there's always hope regardless of the situation or circumstance. If you don't have someone to talk to, pick up a phone, a payphone if necessary and call 1 800 273 TALK (8255). That's the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine. I've never felt so strongly about anything, and it's my further hope that I'm not the only one who's aware of this major pandemic, and that I'm not the only one who wants to do something about it. I think I've said enough for the time being, I have homework to do. Good night. |
| Mar 02 , 2006 9:11pm C |
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| Mar 03 , 2006 2:44pm E |
| There's an intruder in my house, he cut my phone lines so I can't dial out. I scram for police but I doubt they're gonna hear me when I shout. a couple of cocktails will sent me to jail. There's a couple of cops hot on my trail. But this time, when I get pulled over, there's a doberman pincher and a Pitbull in the seat. These pig'll get bit fooling with me. Quit fooling with me. Bitch, you're gonna see. No pistol in the seat, why it always gotta be an issue when you're me. And which you're gonna see in the long run I'ma be the wrong one. You wanna harass with this limo-tinted glass? Flashin that flashlight on my ass? where was you at last night when them ass holes ran up on my grass? Rapper slash actor, kiss the crack of my cracker slashed ass. They took away my right to bear arms. What I'm posed to fight with bare palms? Yeah right, they coming with bombs I'm coming with flare guns, we as Americans. We as Americans, us as a citizen, gotta protect ourselves. Look at how shit has been, we better check ourselves livin up in these streets. Through worse and though better health, surviving by any means. We as Americans, us as a citizen, we as samritans, What do we get us in we better check ourselves. Look at how shit has been. Take a look where you live, this is America and we are Americans. I make buku bucks, wear buku vests, drama hangin over my hear like a voodoo hex. I couldn've been next to fly over the cuckoo's nest. But you know who with asn "S" tattooed to my chest. But I;ve finessed it, now I got the industry pissy, ever since me and dre split it 50/50 it's funny. We got a buzz spreading quicker than making paper airplanes out of a 20 - fuck money. I don't rap for dead presidents, I'd rather see the president dead. It's never been said, but I said precedents in the standards and they can't stand it. my name should've bene bastard, the shit should've been plastered on my forehead with a stamp. I shoul'd've been blasted, I should've been had a cap put in my ass. But I'm too swift for that. one bastard, I'm too old to cruise Gratiot, fuck that shit, I done seen how fast this rap shit can turn into some pap-pap shit. That quick, snap CLICK. But this time they got the fuckin auto-ma-tic ain't no one gon- test this mon- CLACK We as Americans, us as a citizen, gotta protect ourselves. Look at how shit has been, we better check ourselves livin up in these streets. Through worse and though better health, surviving by any means. We as Americans, us as a citizen, we as samritans, What do we get us in we better check ourselves. Look at how shit has been. Take a look where you live, this is America and we are Americans. RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { We as Americans, Eminem } I'm sitting in what used to be the student government office at Chattanooga State, we're remodeling currently, so things are all packed up. This was a really random day. I stayed up last night until 3am central working on a pathogen portfolio sheet that was informative but dull as hell. 3 of them had to be turned in this morning at 11am eastern and I got here at 11:12, she took them though. But when I looked at mine compared to everyone else's, I realzied that I majorly over did it. Not that that is a bad thing, but geez, if I had known she wanted something so basic I wouldn't have stayed up until 3am working on the the freaking things. Oh well, such is life, as Mr. Haley would say. Mr. Haley was one of my favourite teachers in high school. It was always a toss up between him and my other favourite teacher Mrs. Jane Allison, though she was never my teacher, she was the advisor of the paper staff. Anyway, Lorrie, Melissa, and I had Economics with Mr Haley 5th period my senior year. It was total craziness, we usually sat at a table at the back of the room, he would tell us every day not to sit at the table but then we would just ignore him and sit there anyway. We used to throw things at him, like pieces of chalk, pencils, paperclips, etc, throughout his class, or at other students, he would stop what he was doing and scream at the top of his lungs in this exasperated voice, "I've told you to stop hurling projectiles!!!" That's about the time he'd get hit with another one. this may seem odd, these were actions of endearment, and he knew it, and we loved it. I actually set up him voicemail for him in 1997 and it still has my voice on it to this day. I don't know how I got off on Mr. Haley, that's kind of scary really. We all thought he was gay and called him Van Dreison, though I'm not sure if he's gay or not, I did give his wife a dead mini christmas tree for christmas one year. I'm really just killing time, writing about nothing. Spring break starts for me after today and I'm just trying to waste around until Seth gets off work. I just spent a few minutes talking with the Dean of student life about how we're going to build the new offices. The floor plan has changed like fourtheen hundred times by now. Oh well I'm sure it will change fourteen hundred more. later, |
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| Mar 07 , 2006 10:09pm C |
| Got the body of a god. Got eyes butter pecan brown I see you boy. Droppin low, he comin down from the ceiling. To that floor, Yea he know what he doin. He doing that right thang, yea, I need to get him over to my crib and do that night thang. Cause I'm in love with a stripper He popping he rolling he rolling, he climbin that pole and I'm in Luv with a stipper. Out of all the boys he be the hottest, Like n the way he break it down I see u boy, Spinnin wide, and He looking in at me. Right in my eyes. Yea he got my attention. Did I forget to mention I need to get him over to my crib and do that night thang. Cause I'm in Luv with a stripper. He can pop it he can lock it. I'm bout to see this sexy boy in my bed. He don't know what he is doin to my head. Yea he turnin tricks on my he don't even know me. I'd have got him over to my crib to do that night thing. Cause I'm in Luv with a stripper. (I did not do this, grin) RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { I'm In Love With a Stripper T-Pain } It turns and turns, and stops at a different point every moment. Just continuing down the road of this rollercoaster I call my life. It's funny, if you collect all my thoughts and feelings together at some point in time recently, I've probably exibited signs and symptoms of several different mental disorders simultaneously. I guess we all had to have had them in a normal state to be able to consider them abnormal, if that makes any sense. I worked today, only eight hours thank God. For some reason everyone got on my nerves for the entire time I was there. I was pretty happy to get out of that place, you know how it is, some days everyone and everything just seems to get under your skin. Really most days I go there just for the pure entertainment value of the facility. I never leave having a bored or uneventful day. It seems that we are finally moving TISL along a bit. The Governor has scheduled a conference call for some time during the next couple of days. I spoke with someone at TBR this afternoon and set up the conference call on their system. There are about eight of us that are going to take a stab at hashing things out over the next year. It should be fun, no really. It will give me someone to keep my mind of of whatever it is I'm trying to keep my mind off of at the time. This week of of scvhool is proving to be very productive to my psyche, though just realized today that I was supposed to have taken a test in my online class as well as a quiz by this past sunday. My professor is in Greece for the week, so I doubt there is much that I can do about it at this point. Perhaps she'll find someone in the greek or italian countryside to convince her that I deserve a break :-) I am hoping to go back to a little more calmer surreal life there, but I have little loyalty to that belief. I'd rather think that it's only going to get worse as college student elections draw closer as do state appointments by the governor to the Tennessee Board of Regents and the Tennessee Higher Education commision, all of which I'm sure I'll find myself kneedeep in at some point in my near future. So the break is good. The time I spent with Seth was awesome, it gave us a chance to get to know eachother better. I was pissed 'cause we didn't get to go fishing, but it was dark and too cold by the time we had the oppurtunity, so alas. I restarted the old tradition of bailey's irish creame in my coffee over the weekend as well, oh well, good vices die hard. This weekend I got a little bit excited, which is always a good thing. A welcomed distraction to the madness. I need to go to bed. g'nite. |
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