| My Days.....page 59 |
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| "This world ain't a wasteland, it just tastes that way sometimes. It depends on the angle, on how you read your lines. For every brick we stack to come together to build there's a sick little crack in this foundation still. Humans! I can't understand them, trying to understand them and what fuels them and their essence. I'm looking for leverage. Catch up, trying to catch me. Curs-ed, depress-ed. Here to make you happy. 'Hey daddy tell me why the clown is crying.' 'Well son, he's got the task of cheering up the ill and dying. On top of that everbody thinks he's insaine. Can't fathom why he'd wanna ease their pain.' Walking through this maze made of concrete walls, when you're not allowed to climb there's no way to possibly fall. When your hands are restricted to hold nothing but self, how can you get a grip? How can you pick up what you're dealt? The clown stays sad. The ground stays hard. With a couple pounds of migraine, a pocket full of scars. But the face stays painted on for everyone to gaze upon, continuing the bad dream till he wakes up gone. One for a walk, but always stood. Would help him, if you could. Do they see me? Do they know I exist? I know they do; I can tell by the way they wave their fists. Weirdo. Freak. Words of endearment ring in my ears and cling onto my tears. My purpose on this earth was to brighten the sun ray at the circus or parade, house call on a birthday. A bag of balloons, I can build you a farm. Became worthless when they took away both of my arms. Snake charms. Magic tricks. The world is flat. And the traffic is thick. Got my back to the wind as I watch the inhavitants. Every though I come across is bigger than this planet is. I used to be a normal person, but I held a hunger to experience it first hand. I wanted to turn every frown upside down. Show how my feet separated from the ground. And the clown stays sad the people stay lost. Nah, the people are sad, we lost the clown. But the face stays painted on for everone to gaze upon. And it will stay that way until the break of dawn. So throw your hands in the air! 'Oh, I'm sorry you can't you're wearing a straight jacket!'" RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Sad Clown, Slug } Well, alrighty then. Craziness seems to leak from every single existance that I encounter these days, including my own for that matter. Speaking of, it seems that I have to go now, time is annoying - a man made invention that does nothing but screw things up. Always, |
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| June 04 , 2005 11:00am C |
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| Aug 30 , 2005 c7:30pm E |
RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Unknown Classical Music } I honestly don't know where to start... It has been a hella long time since I've written here and that's unfortunate because a lot had transpired for me over the summer. I guess I'll begin with describing where I am, that's how I used to do it. Right now I;'m getting rained on a little, but not so much as to make it unplesant. I'm at the Walnut Street Bridge in Chattanooga, yet again, for the 2nd evening in a row actually, there's a light mist blowing in the rather strong winds that are reminants of hurricane Katrina. I'm sitting on a bench facing down stream toward Nicajack lake. It's much more noisy than it was last night, there's a band playing punk music in the ampitheatre at the base of the bridge that's pretty loud. My mp3 player is over-powering it for the most part though. I'm listening to a classical station from Southern Adventist University in Collegedale. I've listened to the station on occasion in the past, but I didn;t know what school it was from. Shawn told me last night (it's WSMC 90.5 btw) I had the oppurtunity to get to know him for several hours last evening. And though we spend quite a bit of time hiding from the rain, I really enjoyed it, he had te at the English rose on Market street around 4:00pm and then walked and talked through what seemed to be a neightborhood oddly mixed with several socio-economic classes. The English Rose is actually just opposite the Chattanooga Choo Choo hotel, which is owned by holiday in now, the Choo Choo building iteself is rather impressive on the inside and has obviousl been remodeled lately. The buildings surrounding it have much more to be desired. Many have been totally boarded up & painted with camaflodging neo-graffati - families and children plaing in the parks that never seem to exist, save for the images painted on erroding plywood over old doorways that are falling apart. Battle academy was the only other newer looking building in sight, but it screms of serious instutitionalism. There's also a very out of place, very ornate water tower nearby which seemed to scream "Why am I here?" After we waited out the rain under the awning of the tower, he and I went down to the riverfront and to the walnut street bridge. It was much more windy last night though, with quite a bit more rain sifted into the wind. I'll never understand what I see in this place, with all it's memories, but just being here seems to relaz me these days, when it has brought me so many tears in the past. Why ask why, I suppose. I may dive into this summer's events at a later date but for now It will sifice to say that I've learned more about myself and how to live my own life through the forgotton lives of others that I would have ever dreamed possible before. Everything seems to be a learning experience for me latley, as cliche as that sounds. I just hope that I eventually learn the right lessons and at least remember the others. Everything ties back to memories and what you learn from them, at least for me - so long, |
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| Oct 18 , 2005 11:13am C |
| "Look at this photograph, everytime I do it makes me laugh. How did our eyes get so red, and what the hell is on Joey's head. And this is where I grew up, I think the present owner fixed it up. I never knew we'd ever went without. The second floor is hard for sneaking out. And this is where I went to school, most of the time had better things to do. Criminal record says I've broke it twice, I must have done it half a million times. I wonder if it's too late, should I go back and try to graduate. Life's better now than it was back then. If I was them I wouldn't let me in. Oh, oh oh, oh God I, Every memory of looking out the back door, I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor. It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, Goodbye. Every memory of walking out the front door, I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for. It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, Goodbye. Remember the old arcade, Blew every dollar that we ever made. The cops hated us hanging out, they said somebody went and burned it down. We used to listen to the radio, and sing along with every song we know. We said someday we'd find out how it feels, to sing to more than just the steering wheel. Kim's the first girl I kissed, I was so servous that I nearly missed. She's had a couple of kids since then, I haven't seen here since God knows when. Oh, Oh Oh, Oh God I, Every memory of looking out the back door. I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor. It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, Goodbye. Every memory of walking out the front door, I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for. It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, Goodbye. I miss that town, I miss their faces, You can't erase, you can't replace it. I miss it now, I can't believe it, so hard to say it, So hard to leave it. If I could I'd relive those days, I know the one thing that would never change... Every memory of looking out the back door, I have the photo album spread out on the bedroom floor. It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, Goodbye. Every memory of walking out the front door, I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for, It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, Goodbye..." RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Photograph, Nickelback } Sometimes it's really hard to look back on my childhood. Not that it was bad, honestly it was better for me than most of my friends and the other people that I know. I had awesome parents who were slightly over protective to the point that it was more than obvious that they loved me. It was a little tumbly at the end of my childhood for a couple years, after my parents found out about my sexual-orientation. But we worked through that too. The things that I rememeber are all positive. Driving around McMinnville with Lorrie and Emily terrorizing the neighbor hood, lassoing mailboxes from the back of my truck and running over the ones we couldn't pull up and drag down the road. Prank calling all the people we didn't like and even some of the people we did like. Making up songs about the people we'd meet, songs I remember to this day that we cruel and heartless, but fun to a teenager who had no cares or worries. I do miss that, and it did take a long time to say goodbye. But I suppose that's something we all have to do eventually. I'm on fall break from school right now, today is my last day actually. I haven't made that many entries here because of the nature of how my life is these days. I've been working twelve and sistenn hour shifts over the past few days. That's not a bad thing though, I enjoy spending time with the residents, and if I can ignore the bullshit that goes on with the administration and all the drama that comes with working any where in the medical field, from what I understand, I can actually enjoy being there most of the time. I don't know how exciting it is to get beat up on when trying to help those people with their activities of daily living, but someone has to do it, and I'd rather it be me, if only for a few days, so that their care can actually come from someone who cares about them. That is so few and far between these days, for anyone to actually care about anything for that matter. My joy has been really dim over the past few months, I'm sure it's been hard to see that it actually existed at all, but it's there, underneath all the stress and angst. I really don't know what the future holds for me, but I'll graduate next semester and we'll see what happens after that I suppose. I'm going to Kansas City for a week starting on the 26th of October. SO that should be a goo dtime for me to relax and regroup. I am really getting behind on my studies with all the student government business. I sat in a meeting last week on tuesday and thursday that lasted for 7.5 hours each day. Budget hearings for the college budget. sheesh, most of it was way over my head. It is interesting to see where all the money goes, and there is so much money. It's sad really when you look at it all at once. Anyway, I have to go to work again to day, so I really need to get in the shower and get ready. Make it a good day... Always, |
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| Dec 29 , 2005 12:33pm C |
| "I know I've been mistaken but just give me a break and see the changes that I've made. I've got some imperfections, but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face, but you always find a way to keep my right here waiting you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting and if you choose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I hope you're not intending to be so condesending it's as much as I can take. And your so independant you just refuse to bend so I keep bending til I break. But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting And if you choose to walk away I'll still be right here waiting searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I've made a commitment, Im willing to bleed for you. I needed fullfillment I found what I need in you. Why can't you just forgive me I dont want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way. But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting, I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting. But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting, you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting and if I chose to walk away would you be ruight here waiting, searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting. RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO { Right Here Waiting, Stained } So Wow, it's really been a long time since I've written here, thingks have just been like a whirlwind for me, which is how it seems to happen so often in my life. You would think I like it that way, if you looked from the outside I guess. And I do hope your not intending to be so condesending to someone in your life, that's never a good thing. More has transpired in my life than I can really comment on here at this point, it's all just too much to remember. The holidays were quiet for me, I spent them traditionally with family, my parents and sister and nephews. We had a small dinner on the day after Christmas, but only my great and uncle came to the dinner, which made for a lot calmer atmosphere. I spent Christmas Eve at Lorrie's so I could be there with Kaden on his first Christmas, and it was awesome. Though, on my way out the door on the evening of the 23rd, I fell off the steps of my back porch with a bunch of packages. I have lots of scraps and bruises still, but I'll survive. He opened presents around 9 and it was cool to see him tearing into those packages, even at 8 months it was pretty clear that he knew exactly what was going on - there were new things for him inside those packages and he had to get them open. Though I think he was a little more interested in the wrapping paper, the bows and the tags than he really was with the toys and things inside. After than I went with Lorrie for Christmas breakfast at Tracy's moms and then to her Grandparents house for lunch. That was the first time she had seen her grandparents since just after Kaden was born, so it was cool. After that I went home later that evening We opened some presents with my sister and her kids and saved the rest for the next morning. Perry & Cooper got more stuff than they knew what to do with and my parents and sister with crazy with gifts for everyone else too. We all spend too much money around Christmas. You can tell easily by looking at my credit card bills. I haven't really been writing a lot over the fast few months. But I have really been building a relationship with Kaden. I am really the closest thing he has to a daddy, and I have no problem with that at all, neither do Kaden or Lorrie for that matter. Lorrie, who is my best friend for those of you who don't know, has been saying that we should get married and have a marriage of convienience. I could help raise Kaden and she and I could just do our own thing, since neither of us is in the market for a husband any time in the near future, heh. It's a thought... Christmas for me is always a time to be with my family. That family was extended this year To include Lorrie and her family as well, with the addition of Kaden to the equation. Anyway, I hope everyone had a safe holiday, :-) Hugs all around. Always, |
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