Journal

I've been trying to formulate this entry since Tuesday morning.

I still don't know what to say.

I'm a writer and a speaker, I'm supposed to, at times like this, have a grasp on the right thing to say. I'm a counselor. I'm supposed to at times like this know how to move through the process of grief and help others do the same.

I have done nothing but go to work and come home and turn on the news and lay on the couch and watch and cry for 4 days. And I've held my dogs, and cuddled them close, and as silly as that may seem, I don't know what I would do without them. I want to hug my family and my friends who are in New York City and Washington D.C., some with whom I have not been able to get in contact. I've wanted to be with all of you reading this, because you're people I care about and love.

I am terrified. I watch the news, that attempts are still being made and that our own citizens are calling in false bomb threats or saying that we "deserve it" appalls me to an extent I cannot even begin to put into words. Every time I sign online and one of my friends from D.C. or New York isn't here, I run to my television, hoping that there have been no more incidents reported. I just have this terrible feeling that the hurt and destruction is not over, that it is far from it.

Everyone I talk to is waiting with baited breath for the U.S. to "strike back", for us to "seek revenge". I just sit here and I wonder what will that accomplish? I mean, isn't that exactly what Bin Laden or whomever did this expects and wants? What will more death accomplish? How are we, by bombing the Afghan people any different than the terrorists engaging us in this so-called war in the first place? I just think that there are better ways of achieving justice here.

As a counselor working with children, I can't help but look at the way this is going to inevitably affect the future generations of leaders and followers. I see children saying on the news that we need to "assassinate" whoever did this, that we need to bomb and kill these people and the nations that protect them and I just weep for the years when I am old, if I live to be the age that my grandparents are, at the terror and destruction that will be occuring at that point in our history. I think the most tragic part about this whole ordeal is the way it is and will affect America's children.

I'm not as appalled by the fact that the incident happened, as I am at the pictures on the news of people around the world celebrating the death and destruction that has followed. I can't ever remember a time when the American people celebrated at the deaths of the civilians in war-torn nations. There is no god worth worshiping that would promote or preach of that kind of behavior.

I was in New York City only a little while ago. I am going to be in Washington D.C. soon. Many of my friends and relatives are there now. These monsters trained to fly in Florida. No one is safe. I am so terrified of what is still unknown.

I love you all.   I wish you all the best and you are all in my thoughts and in my prayers.

I've said a lot here, but I still don't think I've said everything that is in my mind and heart. I still don't know how to put it into words.

Although completely unrelated to terrorist actions, I feel compelled this week, more so than usual, to quote Jonathan Larson's Rent:

                          "The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation."

                           "No other path, no other way. No day but today."

Please continue to love each other, to pray if that is in your belief system, to celebrate the heroes of this tragedy and to allow yourself to grieve for the victims. This is a loss we are all touched by and are all allowed to feel and mourn in our own ways. And even if you do not know anyone who was directly affected by this tragedy, if this is impacting you in a way you cannot seem to get through on your own, please seek the help of your friends and loved ones and the professionals who are trained to help all of us deal with overwhelming emotions.

I wish I could hug you all...