| January 15, 2005 8:27 P.M. |
| My days of being single have started again i suppose. Me and chase have seperated. It hurts more than i thought it would ever hurt but im holding on. I thought we would grow old together. Who knew, that he would use the internet to cheat that he would crush me so bad after the loyalty that i have paid. I guess some things are for the best and at this point I really don't care anymore. I found out two days ago thats when we seperated thats when i decided it really needs to be over. Im tired of giving him chances to change im tired of being walked on and cheated on and about everything else. I deserve more i think and if im wrong let me live with my dillusions. I can't spell. But i know i cant go through this again not again. I don't know whats going to happen i need to think about all what to do. I need to call places and see what must be done. Anyways, im in Statesboro staying with my sister. I like it here and i like being with her and libba its nice to have a place to go where you aren't depressed constantly and where cleaning is actually worth it. Also everyone here helps out and i think i will be ok. Im going to go to school and evil is teaching me to drive so all is well ...well not really but the living arrangment is. Me and dan will have our own rooms whenever we can get some beds down here. I guess im rambling and the funny thing is is that i don't know who im rambling to. I miss my baby jasmine but im going to get her and my stuff soon i just don't know when, i miss my cat. gotta go for now ive been nauseas for days but i haven't lost any sleep and i still get hungry yay but i still can't put my thoughts in words or my feelings for that matter i can't think i can't feel i am devoid of feeling things about this right now ive been through the phases is this one of them? |
| Febuary 7, 2005 12:02 a.m. (statesboro) |
| I could have done worse than I did. I could have had a worse life or things could have ended in death. Here I stand alive and well, empty and devoid once more and terrified.I love to live but am scared of living. I am grateful that i do not live to love that i do not need a man as my mother always seems to need. She is scared of being alone. Thats not what scares me i have my women and my son to keep me company. I must thank god tonight that i am not an only child and that libba was born. Somehow i must kick myself until I revive from this slump. Im not sure if this is depression. Im happy here but devoid wondering what lies in wait. Worry by nature I guess thats truly me. but devoid, empty, nothing....what is wrong with my mind? why won't you just be good to me and let me be? Go away and come back tomorrow you aren't welcome here anymore....oh wait a minute i need you to live don't I ? We studied defense mechanisms in psychology maybe that is what it truly is, for without emotions i cannot truly feel. Therefore there will be no pain just a sort of dull curiousity. hmmm curiousity killed the cat but satisfaction brought him back. lets see how true this really is shall we? First of all im ramblling but i could really care less no one really reads this thing anyways. second i need sleep but i doubt my mind will let me. Too many times i have lay in bed thinking however my thoughts sometimes escape me. is it possible to not know your own mind? MY MIND IS MY ENEMY AN ENEMY THAT CANNOT DIE UNTIL MY BODY WITHERS WITH IT BY ITS SIDE Satisfaction brought him back but his mind played tricks on him and he jumped on the railroad. The train came and took his tail. He said "its not long now". OK another bit of idiosism: I seem to amuse myself which is odd Sometimes I feel 80 sometimes I feel 10 I have incredible dandruff i mean really it can sing and dance I caught it the other day doing the tango I never knew they could grow roses up there At least my hair smells good I smoke i hate the way it smells I hate cigarettes I hate amusing myself nah who am i kidding? i love it. Ban illiteracy teach all animals to read Im getting off this thing i think i smell my brain turning into cambells soup mmmmmm cream of mushroom yum |
| Its been a long time since i have written anything in this. I have just now had to start a new page and im unsure how exactly to set this section of the site up. Well things are ok as usual but i had to drop out of classes this semester due to some unexpected occurances. Luckily a few more months and the new semester begins so i can go back and cover all the classes that i missed. Im looking on the bright side at least i have my books. I do admit things are a little boring to say the least. I wish that we were able to get out once in awhile but as it is now we are having some financial problems. Our car still needs a new window and im probably going to have to borrow the money from my dad. who is really great about the whole thing always telling me theres no need to pay it back and that if i ever need it all i have to do is ask but he knows how much it bothers me im too head strong too stubborn ...just like him. Alot of me i realize is genetics and though i would like to believe im mostly like my dad i have to admit theres a bit of mom mixed in there as well. She just went through surgery but she is fine now and my grandmother is finally off chemo therapy so things are good i suppose theres plenty to be thankfull for if you just sit and think of things which seems to be all i ever do anymore. My son is growing so fast its hard to believe at times next year he will be three and i will be twenty five sometimes i feel too old and others i feel too young. Its amazing what life gives you and whats in store for you along the way. The name of this section is aptly named cause all i ever do anymore is ramble. |
| November 6, 2004 11:11 P.M. |