This page is now obsolete and is here for archival purposes... Please go to The Academy of Arts and Imbecility

The GROBIUS SHORTLING Think Tank ACADEMY

THE Web Site for Idiots with Deep Thoughts

[Move your Mouse over the picture to find various links]

THIS IS THE GROBIUS SHORTLING ACADEMY

Important questions such as the following are discussed here in fine alcoholic...um, academic surroundings, not that far from Piscataway NJ. It all started out as (in part) a current events commentary page from the "Academic" viewpoint. Many subjects came to the attention of the academicians, but they weren't updated to this page in any orderly or timely manner -- the Dean needs to be bopped on the head with a balloon like the Laputans every now and then to keep this page current.

"A pox upon't, ye cursed caitiff blatherskites!" We teach BUBONICS as a Second Language here at the Academy: We don't care what language you speak as long as you speak our language

Check out our NEW PAGE. This site will be expanding considerably in the near future (and don't you dare ask 'Why Bother?'). [Professor Bobkins actually got around to updating this site Sept. 1997, not that anybody would have noticed outside of the faculty -- there was some internal controversy when he changed the typeface from Times Roman to Arial, but nobody came to blows.]

Board of Directors

Grobius/ Fishe/ Dr Who

  • Grobius is an overeducated pedant with a pickled brain
  • Fishe is a dyslexic curmudgeon with incredible technical skills
  • Dr Who is a Time Lord who hasn't yet had time to visit us from Gallifrey

Observations and Commentaries

  • Why do hot dogs come in packs of 10 but hot dog buns in bunches of 6 or 8?
  • Why do you park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?
  • Will this guy Richard Jewell become the next Joey Buttafuoco?
  • Are the Olympics finally over, or are they going to set up something like the Stanley Cup playoffs next time (so it can go on even longer)?
  • Boycott Fishkill NY! Sign our petition to get the name of this town changed to Fishsave! --PETAA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and Assholes)
  • Hair of the Black Cat: A noted Pathologist has deduced from old records that Edgar Allan Poe died of Rabies, not Alcoholism. I find this interesting, don't you? That would explain his obsession with premature burial as a fictional sublimation of fear of drowning-- hydrophobia, eh what?
  • Free Software for $19.95 (Swear to God, AOL put this out as one of their logon offers)
  • TINY TIM TAKES FINAL TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS (NY Post 12/2/96 -- I know they like to come up with funny headlines, but, after all, the poor guy is dead)
  • TEN NINE EIGHT, er EIGHT NINE TEN According to the NY Post New York City's current administration is conducting a countdown (960 and rising as of Xmas eve) of murders in the city, hoping to beat an all-time record of having LESS than 1000 murders in a year--hurrah, keep up the good work and we can beat the damn record as long as there isn't any mass murder in a social club or whatever in the Bronx; 960 was a baby and 959 was an off-duty cop... No doubt 961 will occur today (12/25/96). Merry Christmas, everyone.
  • UPDATE Well, the Big Apple came in with slightly less than 1000 murders in 1996, which the incumbent politicians (this is an election year here) are taking credit for. Crime IS down, or it is perceived to be down, having a psychological effect on people (including muggers--'well maybe I shouldn't kill this bitch, just beat her around some--it wouldn't be cool if I offed her'). But... The count was already up to nearly twenty after the New Year was just 6 days old.
  • FRANK SINATRA Is he dead yet? (Not that I wish him to be.) This is the George Burns show again, especially in the tabloid newspapers. Death's door; rallied; out of hospital; back in hospital again; family says this is a minor indisposition; can't stand hospitals, so he checks himself out -- blah blah blah. Dammit let the guy go in peace (Sammy Davis Jr and Jackie Gleason and Lucille Ball [and others including Kate Hepburn, who isn't deceased or moribund no matter what they say] were subjected to the same pseudo-concerns by the media). Ronald Reagan was ga-ga even when he was president, but one has to give respect to Nancy and whoever else who has the force to tone down the media jerks that his decline is not being exploited.

Dateline: 8/7/96 --The NEW YORK POST headlined "Life on Mars" (based on analysis of meteorites discovered in Antarctica); but what was found was just bacteria-like fossils.

Doesn't this imply that these germs were actually pretty smart? They were able to transport themselves, in their rock environment, through interplanetary space from Mars to Earth. However, they couldn't have known that Antarctica would drift to the South Pole--so the migration to better climes turned out to be a bust. Isn't that like the plans of mice and men? Gang aft agley, whatever that means...

Why didn't the NEW YORK TIMES (well, they did report it) headline this earthshaking discovery? Or the DAILY NEWS? Must be the silly season.

Bugs Bunny stamp. The US Postal Service has come out with a Bugs Bunny stamp; philatelists are outraged. Why? They did Elvis, for example. What I like about this is that Warner Brothers had the common sense to allow it to be done. The PO wanted to have Mickey Mouse, but those greedy bastards at Disney wanted to charge royalties -- can you imagine paying a penny on every letter you send with a Mickey Mouse stamp to Disney Enterprises? Those assholes are trying to take over the world. If I ever have to send mail to Disney, I will be sure to use a Bugs Bunny stamp.

NEW: Hot News Buttons



For non-JavaScript browsers...

The Marv Albert Trial Summarized in Four New York Post Headlines.

Go to this site for more of this sort of thing, and more up to date.

Related pages

Banana Book / Shortling Isomerism / Transit Gripes / The Politically Incorrect Page/
Lemel & Floorsweeps Jargon 101, and also the Advanced program Jargon 201
(this is a dead link now -- lack of public interest)

Click here for Heavensgate.Com (the Web Site seems to have shut down, but they left a message). We tried to accommodate them here at the Academy a while back; however, they were asked to leave when they denounced Blenkinsop as a falsehood. (7/14/98: that's a dead link now too)

We have someone on call 24 hours a day to accept your input via e-mail

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Day students at this site:

Coming soon... A New, Expanded Academy Web Site in conjunction with the distinguished professor of Christaphernese and Fragmanats, Herr Fishe von der Abhang. Go here someday when you have time.

Well, it is actually there now, and has been for at least six months, but we are a little slow here at the Academy in keeping track of these things. Remember the Laputans in Gulliver's Travels who were so involved in things that they had servants bop them with balloons when they forgot basic things like eating and excreting? We (unfortunately) do not have servants here -- well, we have no masters, everybody is a servant to knowledge, but no-one a master to practicality.
Actually, if you know of any nice matronly-type women who would be willing to mother a bunch of infantile idiot savants (who also have some basic adult sex drives, whether they are aware of it or not), please let us know -- Professor Wang in fact set up a 900 number via the Internet, but forgot to write down the password.

This page was originally written in early 1996 and has had only bare-bones maintenance since then (plus a few nice things like the Image Map). If you have further interest in this site, please go to the "new" site mentioned above. After today (7/13/98} we will NO LONGER try to update this page and keep the links up to date.