TODAY I wanted to die and failed.

I wanted relief from the fear, the enormous and overwhelming fear of finishing up my life as a failure. A woman that was blessed with enormous intelligence, great love, abundant jove la vie . I am a woman who has made all the wrong choices at every turn and can see no way to recoup or turn back the clock when I am almost 60 years of age.

I sat there for a very long time and slowly, with unsure ,shaking fingers, opened my desk drawer that contained the panaceas for life's  maladies, my pills.

I methodically sorted through them until I had a group of medicines that might bring me the relief I sought. I regretted the fact that I owned no gun and was terrified of them and knew that a knife was out of the question.  I remembered the last suicide attempt and how I felt when I woke up on a ventilator and knew  there was a good chance of failing to end my life successfully, this time would take  more thought in order  to succeed.

I didn't feel emotional or distraught just methodical. I lined the bottles up before me and thought of there content and use. Some, I put back and discarded, for their usefulness for the purpose at hand was lacking. I  went and poured a glass of wine and continued to think.

 My intent was clear. I was in unendurable emotional pain. I made a mental checklist.

I had been a good friend and wife to my husband. The children were grown and had children of there own and were all doing well. My husband would either take care of the pets or place them reliably, and I was so very weary and frightened. He would be undeniably sad and angry but he had a mother and brother to go to if he wished. I had no one  but him and we tried so hard to right our lives so many times over the last 20 years, but it never held. The glue would give and it would spiral down and shatter at our feet. Once again financial disaster had reared its ugly head. And would soon take its bloody fangs to my neck for the last time.

I thought about my efforts. My contemplating returning to my lifetime career as a R.N. and knew that  the bravado of the past few days was a sham. I couldn't do it. Web Page design was good but I hadn't gotten paid for a big job and I saw no immediate recompense in view. Not in time to avert  the latest disaster . I thought about my husband bringing a years collection of aluminum cans to be re cycled for money to buy dog food, just two days ago. The counting quarters  and pennies from pockets and couches and other gold mines for a pack of cigarettes.  the utilities bill I couldn't pay, the recent signs of my husbands job coming to an end. I remembered the sigh I gave,  as I watched the freezer and refrigerator emptying down to a less than comfortable level. I searched for the reserves to go on and found them missing.

I had been here many times before but I wanted to close the gate to that path forever. And then I made a mistake.

To be continued................

Thursday

I am better , I am worse, I am very confused and down.

It is so easy for "my sisters" to say "Look on the bright side". These well meaning people have obviously never been in this bag called clinical, chemical depression" I don't want to bore you healthy people with the idea that minds sometimes get sick. Just because they are attached to a fairly functioning body does not mean the head is "Fairly functioning".  Do I sound angry? Well, yes ..walk a mile in my shoes, please before you judge.

What did I say to continue the story above? What mistake did I make? well,.......

Innocently enough I underestimated a very dear internet friend, whom I love and speak to daily. I made the mistake of saying, ( I just looked it up on history on ICQ) " I am going to kill myself". To make a long story short my friend, knowing me as she does, I had NEVER said such a thing before, called the Tacoma police debt. from Arkansas. These fine men in blue knocked on my door, took one look at the vials of pills,lined up in front of me, and informed me that "It was against the law in Tacoma, WA to commit suicide and would I please come quietly with them to the hospital" They followed me to my closet, and after checking that there was nothing in there to commit hari kari with, they allowed me to get dressed" So far so good.......the Great Dane and the Pit bull had not eaten them yet.

to be continued...........

There is more to my story of these past few days and for the sake of myself and all who have written in support of my doing so I will continue but first...... I will share one particularly brutal comment That has reached me. The author is unknown and hopefully will remain so. It is not the person that I am about to showcase but an attitude. I want to  share this so that the many that share  my illness can see it out there load and clear so you can deal with it once and for all. This kind of attitude  can only prevent those that need help to call out for it. I was asking for Prayer and prayer only when I went to the LOTH board. My writing on this page is therapeutic and the email update is for those that need to know how I am doing and to understand what happened to me.. It has caused one woman that  tried suicide one week ago and panicked and threw up the pills to get in touch with me. I have made a pact with her and am trying to get her to go for help also...so lemons out of the lemonade eh?? So here it is...it hurt big time but people are entitled to their opinion .Continue to hold me up..I need you and thank you all..........

After reading the page of poor Lynn, I would like to offer some words of
experience.  I have been in her financial and depressed position.  There are months where we barely make ends meet.  We have been known to eat peanut butter and jelly for supper so that the cats can eat, but we do
what we have to do.  By feeling sorry for Lynn, and telling her "Poor
Lynn, we all love you" you are not really helping her.  Someone has to
get her professional help.  She has to be shown what she has to live
for.  I am very sorry, but she is reaching out for others to get her
through this by creating a suicide web page.  I am not unsympathetic to
the pain of others, but I don't think that if she really wanted to kill
herself she would put it out on ICQ or on
a web page.  I did try to kill myself years ago, and waited until I was
all alone with no chance of anyone finding out until it was too late.
Accidentally, I was stopped and now I am very glad I was.  I doubt that
this answer will ever be printed for anyone but you to read, but I was
so angry when I read her page, that I had to let at least you know about
it.  How dare she ask for us to leave our email address to get an update
as to what she decides to do.  Obviously she plans on waiting long
enough to write another page.    I am sorry that she is depressed, and my
heart goes out to her in her pain, but she has to be shown that she has
a reason to live and if she doesn't want to, thirty web pages and 3000
emails aren't going to stop her.  I know about severe depression and
when you are that severely
depressed, you don't sit at your computer and write suicide threats.
I will stop now having had my say, but I wanted you to know how I felt
and I am sure that I am not alone in my thinking..

to be continued........

I think I will continue and turn this page into a site . A suicide hot line for all the people out there who are devastated and feel there is no hope. Later today I will begin to post the words of love and support and encouragement and tidbits of wisdom so all others that need to hear them can take comfort and advice from them. Much love, Lynn