Educating Joxer
Act Two
by Phil Hernández

Continued from Act One

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. The characters of Agricola, Panea, Aralaus, Talthybius, Nemus and Tegan are his own creations. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.

ACT TWO

Gabrielle slept fitfully, her clogged nose making breathing difficult. She dreamed fitfully as well. Things briefly focused, and she saw Xena hand Joxer his sword. Then he was fighting a fat man with a beard, but the dream faded before she could see the outcome or understand what it might mean.

The mists in her mind suddenly burst into sharp clarity. Joxer was sitting alone at a campfire, brooding. She had seen that look in his eyes only once before, when she had made Aphrodite take that spell off him and he had nearly given up on himself. Somehow Gabrielle felt she needed to know what he was thinking. What had depressed him so?

Then he burst into tears and cried out: "I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE ANY MORE!"

She woke up.

What was that all about? Gabrielle was confused. Does it mean Xena’s in trouble, she wondered, or did somebody hurt Joxer? I can’t even tell when that happened, or will happen.

She got up from the bed and quietly dressed. Gathering her staff and shoulder bag, she silently left her room and crept down the dark stairs. It didn’t matter how she felt. Xena needed her, and if her guess was right, so did Joxer. She stuffed part of her fist into her mouth to stifle a cough.

Maybe he thinks he’s in love with me, she thought. Then she admonished herself. Don’t go there, Gabrielle. You’re not ready for that.

There was enough light coming from the banked fire to let her navigate across the common room. But as she approached the door, a figure stepped from the shadows to bar her way. It was Tegan.

"You’re good," the innkeeper said. "If I hadn’t been an Amazon myself once, you might have gotten away."

"Tegan, please! My friends need me," Gabrielle pleaded.

"They need you here, getting better."

"But something’s hurting Joxer!"

"Joxer? He’s always getting hurt. And between you and Xena, I’m surprised he still has a nose."

"This is different, Tegan. I had a dream, and he was all alone and crying. I have to know if he’s all right." She tried to push past, but Tegan took her arm. She was gentle, but her grip could not be broken. "Tegan, he’d do the same for me! He already has," the bard protested.

"And my guess is, if he told you at all, he’d wait until you felt better. Men are funny like that. They don’t like showing certain kinds of emotion. Look, Gabrielle, the best thing you can do for him would be to have a big smile on your face the next time you see him. When you’ve got friends, you’re never alone."

"I don’t know, Tegan…"

"I do." She hadn’t let go of Gabrielle, and now she spun her around and nudged her back to the stairs.

When they returned to the bard’s room, Tegan produced a small packet of herbs. "I should have thought of this sooner. Here. Eat this," and she handed her friend the packet, "then drink down some water."

"What is it?" Gabrielle asked suspiciously.

"This should help clear your nose so you can get some sleep."

"Oh." Gabrielle followed instructions.

"Now, you get back into bed." Tegan helped her remove her boots again. When it was done, Gabrielle leaned over and fell asleep.

"Sorry, girl," Tegan whispered, "but you’ll thank me when that sleeping drug I put in there wears off."

She tucked Gabrielle in, then headed for her own bed.

Xena awoke early, and discovered Joxer carving something. Time for another lesson, she thought, and she began to sneak up on him. Before she could pounce, however, Joxer quickly put away the carving and turned to face her, knife in hand. Surprised, he sighed with relief.

"Oh, it’s you, Xena."

"Glad to see you were more alert than I thought. What were you carving?"

"Uh, nothing, just something to keep me awake."

"Let me see." She held out her hand.

"I can’t." Her face brooked no denial. "I’m embarrassed." Then he took out the carving and handed it to her. It was a tiny figure of Gabrielle.

"Why, this is beautiful, Joxer! I never knew you could do this."

"Well, it isn’t exactly the sort of thing a mighty warrior does. My father hated it. Jett laughed at me."

"I’m not laughing. This is good. When you’re ready to settle down, you’ll have something to fall back on."

"Yeah, the fighting artist," he said skeptically.

"Gabrielle writes. I sing. Hercules learned to dance. A true warrior would give anything to put some beauty back into the world. Keep carving, Joxer. It’s the right thing to do." She handed the figure back to him.

"Promise me you won’t tell Gabby?"

"No promises. But we’ll keep it our secret for now. Let’s get some breakfast. I’d even settle for falafel."

She walked over to Argo and rummaged through her saddlebags, coming up with a small sack of flour, a few eggs and some dried meat. As she watched Joxer wash his face, an idea started to nag her. When he took the leather lining out of his helmet, filled the helmet with water and held it over his head, she figured it out. The water ran out of the holes, rinsing his hair.

"Hey, Joxer, wash out your helmet and bring it over here!"

Startled, he dropped it on his head with a "clunk!" He bent down and picked the helmet from the ground.

"Sure. You need a rinse, too?"

"Better. I just remembered something I saw in Chin."

He brought her the helmet and she had him fill a pot of water, placing it on the fire. Giving Joxer the meat, a pan and some herbs, she started to mix the eggs into the flour with a little olive oil while Joxer prepared a simple stew. Finishing the dough, she washed off a flat rock and rolled out the dough with one of Gabrielle’s tools.

"If you tell Gabrielle what I’m about to do next, you’re dead meat," she said, winking at him.

"Cross my heart," he replied, making the sign to match and winking back.

Xena took up her chakram and quickly sliced the dough into many long, thin strips. Cleaning off the weapon, she waited for the water to boil, adding just a bit of salt. When the water was ready, she threw the strips into the pot.

A savory smell came from Joxer’s stewpan. "Mmm. This just might work out," Xena said. Then she tasted it and made a face. "Did you use all the basil?" she asked.

Joxer, meanwhile, was looking at the boiling noodles. "I guess. Is this stuff supposed to be all gloppy like that?"

"No," she answered, chagrined. "Maybe I forgot a step."

She tried stirring the mess, and most of it separated. Letting it cook a little longer, she wrapped cloth around her hands and picked up Joxer’s helmet, holding it before her as if it contained ambrosia.

"Joxer, empty the pot into your helmet."

"What? No way does that glop go in there! It’s custom-made!"

"That ‘glop’ is part of our breakfast, and it needs to drain. We’ll wash your helmet out again."

"Well, okay."

Noodles and stew went into bowls, and the two travelers chowed down heartily, if without gusto. Argo fared better, as Joxer gave her the last of his carrots.

"I have many skills. This isn’t one of them," Xena laughed. She drained her tea. "Yours was edible, as advertised."

"Sorry I gave you a meal fit only for Callisto!" Joxer teased.

"I’ve heard of people bonding over a good meal, but never before over a bad one," Xena observed wryly.

"Is that why you have Gabby around: so you can have three square meals a day?"

"Hey, I bring down the game, she cooks it. Sounds fair to me."

Both were still chuckling as they cleaned up.

Terrified villagers clung to each other as filthy soldiers rummaged through carts and yards, cramming food into their mouths, seizing pouches and beating the occasional unfortunate who hesitated to yield to them. There were only six of them, but they spread terror far out of proportion to their numbers. Watching it all and laughing was a short, wiry, sandy-haired man who by contrast was both clean and clean-shaven.

There were gaps in his grinning teeth, and despite his mirth his eyes remained beady, seemingly incapable of widening. He was a human rodent in more than appearance, occasionally chewing on a sliver of wood or drinking from a wineskin he had casually filched.

His name was Talthybius. He was Aralaus’s second-in-command, mainly because few of the other men had either the inclination or the skill to toady as he did. For that, he was well hated, yet feared because he was the warlord’s favorite. Those who tried to do away with Talthybius generally encountered Aralaus’s "equalizer," which did away with them instead.

He began to eye the young women of the village, who cowered under his stare. They understood all too well what he wanted. Each silently prayed to one of her gods to protect her. The ruffian settled on a dark-haired, dark-eyed girl who didn’t look particularly shapeless under her loose clothing. Her hand flew to her mouth in horror.

"Yes, you," Talthybius said as he advanced on her.

Agricola, who had stood nearly helpless before, wondering if the strange warrior he had met would return in time, had had enough. He seized a pitchfork and blocked the minion.

"This ends now," he declared.

The smile never left Talthybius’s face. "Yeah, right," he replied. He took the sliver out of his mouth and gestured at Agricola with it.

"Take him," he ordered.

The farmer stepped away and whirled to meet the new threat as three men left their looting briefly to attack.

"AI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YIEEE!"

Xena and Joxer had arrived at Pyrgos. The Warrior Princess, entering the village at a dead run, froze nearly everyone with her battle cry. In one smooth motion she drew her chakram and tossed it at the men facing Agricola. The weapon sliced through the air, disarming the ruffians even as Xena straight-armed another looter, who fell backwards into a cart while the chakram returned to her.

Spotting Panea, Joxer left Argo with her and entered the fray. He was still clutching the pole Xena had given him for training. He lay about him with great vigor but succeeded in hitting only empty air. Even so, it was enough to keep two assailants at bay, though they roared with laughter at his off-balance swings.

"Don’t laugh at me!" he yelled, and struck one of them a tremendous clout on the side of the head. The helmet flew off, and the looter dropped like a pole-axed steer.

The other man attempted to capitalize on the opening Joxer had left him, but he hadn’t counted on Xena, who kicked him in the chest en route to the men she had disarmed. Performing a series of flips with an "EE-AI-YI-L-L-L-L-IEE!" she quickly reached the soldiers and kicked two of them into the third on her last flip, knocking them all into a tangled heap of flailing limbs.

Talthybius did not flinch, but glared at Agricola, who smiled in return. "I knew my friend would not let me down," he said.

"You will all die," Talthybius asserted in his oily voice.

"Then you had better bring more men with you," the farmer replied.

In fact, Talthybius no longer had anyone with him. The man Xena kicked first had picked up the looter Joxer had knocked out and carried him off. The third detached himself from the cart and joined them, while the remaining three disentangled themselves and also hightailed it out of town. They abandoned nearly all their spoils in the process. Seeing this, Talthybius remained undisturbed.

"There are plenty more where they came from," he threatened. "Enough to deal with you and even with Xena, there." He noticed Xena and Joxer approaching him. "Mention a demon’s name…"

"So, Talthybius. Your slimy master couldn’t be bothered with looting the village himself?" Xena sneered.

"What’s the matter, Xena?" Talthybius sneered back. "Got tired of your little girlie girl, so you dumped her for this –" Joxer, reacting faster than he ever had in his life, planted a solid punch on the minion’s jaw. "OW!" Joxer cried, rubbing his hand as Talthybius measured his length in the dirt. "That hurt!"

The ruffian came up quickly and rushed Joxer while still in a crouch. "Why, you little joker!"

Xena pulled the still-whimpering Joxer out of the way, then kicked Talthybius in the face. "That’s Joxer," she said.

This time, Talthybius got up slowly. "Joxer? That dork knocked me down? I’ll have your head for that, you loser." He drew his sword.

"You have to take it first," Joxer replied. He abandoned his stick and fumbled at the hilts, but his sword wouldn’t come free. "Wait a second here, I’ve got it," he grunted.

Xena drew her sword in turn. "Go away, Talthybius. Tell Aralaus I said no one is going to touch this village."

"And you two are going to stop us all by yourselves? You and the mighty dork?"

Talthybius laughed in Xena’s face.

"That’s ‘Joxer the Mighty,’ that worthy complained, still tugging at his sword.

Suddenly Xena grabbed Talthybius by the gorget and pulled his face close to hers as he dropped his weapon. "That’s right," she said evenly. "Just the two of us." Then she flung him away. Picking up the discarded sword, she tossed it after him, striking him on the head with the pommel. Talthybius fell down again. He got up, collected his blade and stalked off.

"Finally!" Joxer had succeeded in drawing his sword. "Now we’ll see – where’d he go? The coward! He couldn’t face the wrath of Joxer! Ha-HA!"

"Easy, boy," Xena soothed. She grabbed his arm and made him sheathe the sword again. "Now here’s your next lesson. Don’t punch a man in the jaw. It’s all bone and you’ll hurt your hand like you just did. Hit him in the gut and you’ll hurt him a lot more. Still, that was a good punch you threw. That was because he insulted Gabrielle, wasn’t it?"

"Well…yes, it was! She’s no ‘girlie girl.’"

"You’re right about that. But don’t let anger get the better of you in a fight. Use its energy instead. Don’t try so hard that you lose control. Stay in control, and Talthybius will stay down after you hit him.

"In the gut."

"Right."

Agricola now spoke up. "Welcome, Xena. And thank you."

"You’re welcome. If my guess is right, you must be Agricola. Joxer told me about you. He was very insistent about coming back to help."

"You guessed right. My wife, Panea." With Talthybius and his men disposed of, she had joined Agricola, bringing Argo along.

"Glad to meet you both," Xena said. She clasped hands with the couple. "Thanks for keeping an eye on Argo, Panea."

"Ach, she’s a good horse," the woman replied. She stroked the mare’s muzzle, and Argo favored her with a friendly nicker.

"Well, Joxer lad, it seems Xena really is your close friend," Agricola said admiringly. "But where’s the girl? You know, the one you said couldn’t keep her hands off you?"

"Joxer, just what did you tell them about Gabrielle?" Xena glared at him, her mouth tight, and it was not a pleasant sight.

He gulped.

Panea rescued him. "Ach, he was just exaggerating like all men do. You should hear Agricola and his fish stories."

"Honey…"

"You fish?" Xena asked. "When this is over, maybe we can talk shop. But, you were saying, Panea?"

"Oh, your friend told us a tale or two. We figured he knew you well enough; that part rang true. But we saw him fight those four brigands – well, it was mostly an accident and a bit of luck that he won. He took out three just by falling all over himself and them falling with him. So I knew he was bragging about fighting all those Persians by himself with the girl almost dying from that poison arrow and all."

Joxer gulped again. "Uh, that was really Xena. I’m sorry."

The Warrior Princess nodded. Joxer had done this sort of thing before.

"And I know the girl isn’t as fond of him as he’d like," Panea continued. "I figure she must slap him a lot; that’s what he meant by her not keeping her hands off him."

"Close. Gabrielle twists his nose," Xena confirmed. "So do I, sometimes."

"Now when he said he kissed her when he was under Aphrodite’s spell and Gabrielle liked it, that I believed. Did she twist his nose then, too?"

"I don’t think she had the chance. He was in the middle of a fight at the time."

Joxer hung his head lower and lower with each revelation.

"Cheer up, Joxer." Xena thumped him on the back and almost knocked him down. "No harm done, and now you have a real story to embellish. As long as you don’t say I’ve got a ‘thing’ for you."

Joxer, who had every intention of doing just that, smiled sheepishly.

More of the villagers joined them, offering food, flowers and other gifts. Xena politely waved away the offerings, though Joxer took the opportunity to replenish his supply of carrots, making sure that Argo got some. So that’s how he always manages to have them, Xena realized.

"We’ve got a defense to organize," she told them.

A messenger had been expounding at length to some of Tegan’s other regulars.

"Now you take Castor and Pollux. They’re half-gods, too, so their pugilistic skills ought to be sufficient to offset Hercules…"

"TEGAN!" came an angry, high-pitched shout from upstairs. The innkeeper and her customers breathed a sigh of relief, for the boring messenger had been cut off.

"I think Gabby’s finally awake," observed an enormously overweight man who was nursing a beer.

"And how!" Tegan agreed.

It wasn’t long before the bard appeared. She was still very pale. Walking slowly to the nearest stool, she sat down heavily.

"Food," Gabrielle said without elaboration.

Tegan was prepared for her. A serving boy placed a steaming bowl of chicken stew and a platter of bread in front of Gabrielle, who immediately began to eat even as cheese, sausages, fruit, half a cherry pie and goblets of milk and cider were brought to her. Although they had seen the results of the bard’s appetite before, the regulars watched in awe as the huge meal quickly disappeared.

"How can she eat like that and stay so slim?" the large man wondered.

"Well, it’s all in the psychokinetic adjustment of metabolic parameters…" the messenger began.

"Actually, I think Xena puts her on half rations when they’re on the road," Tegan interrupted, drawing a laugh from everyone, including Gabrielle.

"Tegan," the bard said with mock severity, "I will get you for that sleeping drug. Somehow, someday, you are a doomed woman."

"But you’re feeling better, aren’t you?"

"Yes, damn it, I am!" she laughed in reply. "Do you have any more of those herbs for nose congestion – without the sleeping drug this time?"

Tegan handed her another packet amid the general laughter.

"Next on the agenda for you is some fresh air. That is, if I can trust you to stay on the grounds."

"Oh, I’ll be good. I doubt I could walk half a league today, as weak as I feel, and the only horse I trust is Argo."

"I’ll be keeping an eye on you. I promised Xena."

"I don’t doubt it," Gabrielle replied knowingly.

She left the common room then, wiping her mouth on a cloth. A short while later, Tegan looked outside and saw Gabrielle leaning on a fence, gazing wistfully in the direction of Pyrgos.

It has to be hard on her, Tegan thought. She and Xena are so close. I don’t know why she’d get all worked up over Joxer, though. Oh, well, if she wants to tell me, she will. Tegan went back in. It was time to start preparing for supper. With any luck, Gabrielle would tell a few of her stories tonight.

END OF ACT TWO