Educating Joxer, Act Three by Phil D. Hernandez

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. The characters of Agricola, Panea, Aralaus, Talthybius, Nemus and Tegan are his own creations. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer/Ted Raimi, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at broadway@tvi.cc.nm.us.

Agricola, Panea and Nemus proved to be natural leaders, working with this year’s headmen to get things ready. Weapons were placed within easy reach and a militia drill was organized. Xena noted with approval that the men were used to working together, though today Talthybius had caught them by surprise. Given time, any community in Greece could produce a well-trained force; the only real difference between the citizens of Pyrgos and of Athens was the Athenians had greater numbers and could afford a few specialists to lead them.

Carts and other obstacles were prepared so they could channel the movements of Aralaus’s men. Though most Greek armies preferred to fight in the open fields to settle the issue quickly, Xena pointed out that the village was more defensible, and Aralaus would have to take the village to get any loot.

Panea had the women fill casks, buckets and tubs with water. These would be located where fires were likely to be set. A few of the bolder girls wanted to fight, too, and an older woman took it upon herself to demonstrate some staff techniques. Both Xena and Joxer were painfully reminded of Gabrielle’s absence. They hoped that for once she’d listened to reason and was still at Tegan’s.

It was decided not to evacuate the children, aged and sick, lest stragglers come upon them during the move. They would stay in the pantheon when the time came, praying and tending to the wounded. If Aralaus won, they would hand over the temple’s contents without resistance and hope for the best.

With these measures well in hand, Xena returned to Joxer’s training. This time she allowed Joxer to exploit the opportunities she showed him, so he could see which blows merely disabled a foe temporarily and which crippled or killed. She was pleased to observe that Joxer greatly preferred the former.

"That’s it, Joxer. Feint for the legs and you can smash your arm in my face," she said after dancing back from his effort. "All right now, no more freebies. I won’t hold back. Try getting through me for real."

He did his best, but Xena was too fast. His direct attacks were easily blocked, and it seemed to him she could anticipate every feint and combination. It occurred to him that everything he tried she had shown him. Of course she’d know how to stop those attacks! So what if I try something different? But what do I know that she hasn’t seen?

Xena whacked him sharply a couple of times to keep his attention from wandering.

"Come on, Joxer, you have to focus on what you’re doing. Think too hard, and you’ll be dead before you realize it."

He improvised, trying to turn feints into real attacks, combinations of attacks and even combinations of feints. Nothing worked, though Xena didn’t seem annoyed with him for trying. She was, after all, the best warrior he’d ever seen.

Then Joxer remembered something his father had tried to teach him years ago. He feinted a slash but struck down at Xena’s wrist. Her gauntlet took most of the blow, but she still was forced to drop her stick.

"You disarmed me!" Xena cried. "Joxer, you did it!" Equally surprised, Joxer dropped his stick also. Xena hugged him. "You did it!"

"I did? I did! Wow, Xena, I never thought – or did you let me do it?" he asked warily.

"Joxer!" Xena made a wry face and knocked his helmet askew with her hand. "You know better than that." They both laughed. "All right now, pick up your stick and we’ll try it again."

Joxer attempted a couple of other things he thought Xena wouldn’t expect, but it didn’t do him any good.

"Don’t get too unorthodox, Joxer. We don’t have time for that. But you’re getting the idea. Now we’ll try it with real swords."

First she broke down the elements of his disarming move so he could repeat it with the sword. Then it was round after round of attacks, parries and feints, just as before. Xena was much stronger than he, but he persevered. He gritted his teeth and went on the defensive for a time. Though Xena showed how he could get past his guard in a dozen ways, sometimes he could block her attacks, and once he even turned one of her attacks to his advantage, though she quickly reversed the position again. As he grew used to the motions, they became easier for him, though no one would call him graceful even now.

Eventually he tired. Calling a halt, Xena handed him a waterskin and made him drink slowly.

She watched him for a moment. He’s come a long way so quickly. He’ll forget most of it in the next few days for lack of practice, but some of it will stick, I think. For once, I’m glad Gabrielle isn’t here. He’d only try to show off in front of her.

He splashed some of the water on his face and massaged his neck a bit. Those farmers liked him for himself, though. I wish he’d show me and Gabrielle more of that. Hmmm…Friendship seems to be the key. When I’m friendly to him, he usually settles down. I wonder…

"Sorry." He grew serious. "But I’m risking my life already. And…" He hesitated.

"Joxer the Mighty doesn’t scare," he blustered. Then his face fell. "Aw, nuts, Xena, I am scared."

Joxer was stunned. First, Xena praised him, then she loosened up in front of him and now she was relying on him? It was too much.

"No, Joxer," she told him instead. "I wouldn’t give you a job I didn’t think you could handle. I’ve trusted you to help Gabrielle before; now I trust you to help your new friends."

He thought about this, then nodded. "I never realized that before, Xena. Thank you," he said in a low, humble voice.

"But what makes you think it would work?" he wondered. "You’ve only been able to show me a few basics."

"Well, if you surprised me with that disarming trick, you can catch Aralaus with it, too. He’s not as good a swordsman as his reputation makes him out to be. He relies on something he calls his ‘equalizer.’"

"Yes. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I don’t think it’s any kind of armor or weapons from the gods. If it were, Autolycus would have stolen it by now, or some other warlord would have taken it away from him. But I’m still concerned about it. His enemies always end up dead."

"I’m betting it’s nothing more than poison on his sword, but that’s dangerous enough for you. One wound, and you die."

Joxer, who had been slumped while he listened, drew himself up to his full height. Resolution, not pretense, was on his face.

"I was committed to this before I found you. I’ll do it," he pledged. "Uh, unless you want to commit me first."

The two bandits Joxer had defeated only two days before were still locked up in the gaol at the opposite end of town. They had been fed and guarded, but otherwise the upcoming battle had diverted the villagers’ attention. Their hopes of rescue by Talthybius’s advance party had been dashed by Xena’s arrival.

The man with the ruined mouth kept feeling his jaw as though the missing teeth would suddenly appear. Most of the pain was gone, but the broken sockets were still sore.

His companion hawked and spat out the tiny barred window. "Stop playing with your mouth, you idiot! We’ll be outta here soon enough."

They were diverted by the bustle of new arrivals. The keeper entered. "You got visitors," he told them.

Xena strode in, tall and menacing. Joxer tried to match her, but he just couldn’t pull it off. The Warrior Princess gave the prisoners a steel-hard look.

She slid into that special voice she had, sexy and edgy at the same time. "Gee, and I thought you’d like a chance to rejoin the winning team. Or do you think I’ve got Aralaus beat already? I suppose you could wait for him to free you…but more likely he’ll just let you rot because you let Joxer and those villagers take you."

"Now, is that any way to treat a lady?" Xena asked, bemused. She turned to the other prisoner. "So, how about you?"

He looked at her with resignation. "No, thanks. I might as well take what’s coming to me. There’s no way Aralaus is whipping you."

"You lousy little wimp!" His companion seethed with anger. "Okay, Xena, I’ll deliver your damned message. Maybe I’ll get a piece of you and your friend here when I get back. Especially him."

"All right, bully boy. You tell Aralaus that I’ve got nothing but utter contempt for him. Either he goes away and doesn’t bother this village or anybody else, or he gets a demonstration."

This was Joxer’s cue. "I challenge him to single combat. He wins, you guys get to loot Pyrgos. I win, he disbands his army and goes back to whatever slime hole he crawled from."

"Forgot who put you here? You should eat more fish. It’s brain food. Assuming you have any brains to feed," she taunted.

Xena waited for him to subside, then directed the keeper: "Let him go and deliver the message. One more man isn’t going to help Aralaus any." Two armed men flanked the door as the brigand was released, then escorted him out of the village.

Meanwhile, at Xena’s direction, a goblet had been brought to the cell. She offered it to the remaining prisoner.

"Don’t drink this. It’s salt water. Use it to rinse your mouth out. And try not to touch the spots that hurt, not even with your tongue. They’ll heal faster."

The man raised an eyebrow, but accepted the goblet and followed Xena’s suggestion. He made a face, as much from the salt as from the stinging. Then he spat it out with a "yuck!" But he was not angry. He was given some plain water, which he used to rinse out the salt.

"You’re willing to accept the consequences of your actions. You may be a long way from deciding where you’ll go from there, but you might as well get a fair chance."

He shook his head uncertainly. "Hey, Joxer," he said. "Good luck. You’ll need it."

"Thanks," the warrior replied. "Say, would you know what that ‘equalizer’ of Aralaus’s might be?"

As they left the gaol, Xena told Joxer, "You were perfect. And that was a good question, too. You learn fast."

The encampment was rude, as suited a rude army. So far, pickings had been slim, though a few isolated farmsteads, their owners fled, provided some food. These men, culled from the bottom of the barrel, needed no loot to fight over; they fought each other just as readily for any reason or none.

One tent stood conspicuously in the center of the camp, belonging to the warlord Aralaus. Once a soldier of some ability, he had turned mercenary, constantly seeking that big killing in dinars that just as constantly eluded him.

The quest for riches had led him to Egypt, where he served the successors to the Ptolemies. He had tried his hand at tomb robbing, only to discover that more skillful thieves had taken everything long before.

There had been this vial. With difficulty he had deciphered the symbols on it, learning that it contained a concentrated poison. Only a little on his blade was enough to kill with a scratch.

Soon his commander was dead and Aralaus had money for passage to Argos. From there he headed west, picking up men a few at a time. Most were just scum, who drifted in and out of his force. A few wide-eyed boys would join for the glory, but they never lasted long. Some were mercenaries like himself, or failed veterans from the Trojan campaign.

Talthybius was one such veteran. Bullying women and weaker men had been his specialty, but he knew just how to crawl for his master. Aralaus liked being called "lord." And as long as Aralaus had his "equalizer," there would be no trouble from Talthybius.

The "equalizer" had a side effect. Aralaus had grown soft. Too much wine had added a paunch, and he’d gained more weight besides. He liked his food and his drink, remembering leaner days, and he refused to restrain his gluttony. It made his beard a nuisance to clean, to be sure, but he’d live the good life while he could.

He didn’t stir, but turned to the food that had been set before him. Talthybius could take care of the message, whatever it was.

Back inside the inn, Gabrielle unrolled a blank scroll, inhaling its fragrance with anticipation as she was wont to do. This time, though, something rustled in her stomach, and it wasn’t hunger. Luckily, Tegan had thought of that, too, and had given the bard something to settle the queasiness.

Gabrielle picked up quill and ink, and began to write of Xena’s recent adventures. After a short time, though, she stopped and stared out the window.

Has she found Aralaus yet? I know she can take him on without me, but I still wish I were there. She’s my inspiration, too. And why can’t I shake that picture of Joxer from my mind? I guess I just don’t like seeing people hurt inside. Maybe Tegan’s right. Maybe I should be friendlier to him. Or to his nose, anyway.

Chuckling at the thought, she took up the quill again and resumed writing, humming the tune to that silly song of his. Xena would be all right, and when she got back they’d look up Joxer and take care of him, too.

The overweight warlord gnawed on a beef joint as Talthybius entered. Smearing his greasy hands on his sleeves, he looked expectantly with piggish eyes at his minion.

"Well, what is the message? I don’t suppose the Warrior Princess is going to give up because she’s outnumbered a few dozen to one," he sighed.

"Lord Aralaus, I hesitate to tell you," the toady replied, staying well away from his master.

"Talthybius, stop sniveling and let me judge for myself how I should react!" He grabbed a dirty goblet of wine and poured its contents down his throat, though quite a bit dribbled out of his beard to stain his tunic.

"Very well, milord. Xena expresses her utter contempt for you, and says that unless you leave now and harass no one in the future, she will have Joxer defeat you in single combat!"

"Joxer? The mighty geek? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Aralaus laughed. "Xena has gone insane! This is better than I thought! Have some wine, my comrade!"

"Milord, it is said that Xena is training Joxer for this battle," Talthybius warned him. He reached for a goblet and poured himself a drink.

"So Xena is training that fool Joxer, is she?" Aralaus repeated, half to himself. "It doesn’t make any difference. I can take a thousand of him any day. If Xena steps in to help, I’ll call my army down on her."

Aralaus growled at that. Talthybius cringed. "Impossible things are happening every day," the latter pointed out.

"Not that impossible, you fool! But just in case he actually learns something from her . . ." He toyed with his Egyptian vial. "A little ‘equalizer.’"

"I’m a warlord! I don’t have to fight fair! One touch and even that accursed Xena goes down," snarled Aralaus in reply. "Now go. Get the men ready. Tomorrow Pyrgos falls!"

Spirits remained high as the citizens of Pyrgos wound down their preparations for the upcoming fight. Few had any illusions that Aralaus would honor any pledge to depart if Joxer defeated him, and not many others believed he would accept the challenge.

Nemus ran a hand through his brown hair and reported to Xena. "Everything we could think of is in place, and we did everything you suggested. You sure do know how a warlord thinks."

"Yes, I do," she replied sadly. "Get something to eat, and make sure you rest. I don’t want anybody volunteering to stay up all night."

"I goaded him enough. The smart move would be to ignore the challenge, or better still to bypass us and hit some other village. Aralaus isn’t that smart. No, he’ll look bad in front of his men if he did either of those things, and even his ‘equalizer’ hasn’t stopped men from deserting. He has to fight Joxer."

"But Joxer can’t win. I saw him out there with you. He’s just a beginner. I know he beat those four guys, but it makes no sense."

"He’s not all bluster. For a friend he’d try to stack Ossa on Pelion, and sometimes he succeeds. That’s why I can rely on him tomorrow, not because he thinks he’s a mighty warrior, but because he’s helping his friends. You, Panea, Agricola, the rest of Pyrgos."

"All I did was help out a little here and there, the same as Joxer. You’re backing yourselves up."

Nemus smiled broadly. Taking his leave of Xena, he returned to his home, where dinner awaited him.

Pyrgos had a small lodging for travelers, and the Warrior Princess went there next. It was crowded, as nearly everyone wanted to meet the man who had defeated four bandits on his own and brought Xena to help the village. She squeezed inside and listened as Joxer told his story of how he met Agricola and Panea.

"There were four of them, but I knew they were just bullies and they wouldn’t have the guts to fight. Was I wrong! Two of them went right at me and I raised my sword. Good thing, too, or I would have been skewered!"

Some of the girls gasped, and Xena smiled, knowing that there were always a few who were impressed by the hero routine. Men, too.

Then it was Xena’s turn to gasp. As Joxer went on, she realized he was telling the truth!

"…so like an idiot I look down, and the next thing I know this guy has his mouth wrapped around the top of my helmet!" Everyone started to laugh.

"Then I tripped, and he fell on me, and I think that’s when one of us caught the other guy in the…" He paused, but everyone knew what he meant, and they roared.

Xena was amazed as Joxer finished his story without sparing himself a single clumsy detail. That was more Gabrielle’s style, though he was nowhere near her ability. She’d been so nice to use her scrolls to teach him how to read better. I guess he learned a lot more than that.

As the applause died down, one of the young men shouted to him, "Tell us about the girl!" Joxer blushed all the way down his neck, but he couldn’t ignore their insistent demands. He swallowed a few times, then began in a hesitant voice.

"Her name is Gabrielle…To me, she’s the most beautiful woman in the world…She’s Xena’s side– I mean, partner. Most people, when they see her, think she’s just a little slip of a thing, but she’s strong, too. Her arms and legs are toned, like Xena or Atalanta, and her abs…but she’s so tender when she holds me…not that she does that, much."

"Whaddya mean?" someone called out. "She’s in love with you, isn’t she? You’re a hero!"

"I wish. No, I’m just a guy, and she’s this gorgeous woman who’s smart and funny and can tell a story better than anyone, and can take out a whole regiment of soldiers with her stick…" He grew sad. "The only time she loved me was when she got hit with one of Cupid’s arrows."

No, we didn’t. We kissed…her kisses are sweeter than wine…and her hands are so gentle…and her long, golden hair is so soft…but that’s all we did. She wasn’t herself."

Xena remembered. He really had believed Gabrielle loved him, and he was a perfect gentleman. Afterwards, when the spell was removed and he wanted to recreate those moments, he’d tried too hard. Sometimes, he’d made serious mistakes, like when he tried to convince Gabrielle, amnesiac at the time, that she not only loved him but lusted after him. Luckily, he’d backed out of that one before any harm was done. He needed Gabrielle so desperately that Xena was convinced at first that it was only a crush.

There were too many things that proved otherwise. He didn’t follow her around doggedly, no matter how much like a lost puppy he was when he did travel with them. He accepted the few crumbs she accidentally dropped his way and rarely asked for more. He sensed that she wasn’t ready to deal with men, any men, as she and Xena had gone through their tortured journey of mutual betrayal and dishonesty in recent months.

Most importantly, the one time Gabrielle and Xena needed each other most, when mourning had been replaced by hatred and Xena chose not to be reconciled, it was Joxer who pulled Gabrielle from the brink of madness and tried to do the same for her.

Still embarrassed, Joxer had finished talking about Gabrielle. He sat down heavily, looking like he wanted to cry. Xena shouldered her way to him, plucked a mug of ale off a tray and handed it to him.

"Not if you think she’s going to be your ‘love kitten’ or something like that. But there’s more than just admiration and physical attraction there, Joxer. You genuinely want Gabrielle to be happy. I can see that."

"No, Joxer, it’s not like that. Yes, I love her and she loves me. More than either of us could love anyone else. You just don’t travel that far on the road together without sharing a very special bond. We get downright affectionate towards each other. Like sisters, Joxer."

"I never had sisters. Jace was kinda close, but Jett – he was always so mean."

"Tell me honestly, Joxer. Do you think maybe you love her only because she’s nice to you sometimes? Let’s face it: almost no one else is."

"I know, Xena. But you’re nice to me sometimes, and I’ve had a crush on you, but that’s all it was. Meg and her girls are really nice to me, but I don’t love them, either.

"I think I’ve loved Gabby from the moment I first saw her, but I didn’t know it until she let me travel with her alone. You know, when you were stuck in Callisto’s body and Ares had lost his godhead."

"It wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t help herself then, either. She tried to hold back. And you know, I’ve never seen pity for me in her eyes. You and Gabby have always been honest with me. Painfully honest." He rubbed his nose and gave Xena a wry look.

"I could use some of that luck you had against the bandits. There’s no guarantee Aralaus will do what we expect."

"No, just concerned for you. As long as you come out of this alive and in one piece, I’ll be satisfied."

A young woman set heaping plates before the two warriors and beamed at Joxer, effectively ending the private conversation. Meanwhile, songs, stories and outrageous boasts continued well into the evening, until it was time to get some sleep before the coming battle.

Continue on to Act Four

Return to Act Two

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