Well, it's february again, and that means many wonderful and exciting things, first of all, there's Groundhog Day, a time to watch an oversized rat crawl out of a hole and have a heart attack from seeing all the media that have gathered around his home, thus signifying that Canada will have another 6 months of snow.

The next holiday that comes our way is Valentine's day, a popular date created by Hallmark, The florist's association of the world, and the chocolate makers of the world, in which people give (surprise, surprise) Chocolate, Flowers, and sappy cards to a complete stranger. This is a much more celebrated occasion than groundhog day for some reason.

The Next day on our list is the Leap Year. It is a wonderful day that comes around every four years and makes sure that nobody has a birthday on Feb. 29th.

Now, you all may be saying to yourselves, "That's all the special days there are in February.". This is obviously the kind of response that most people would say and it is wrong. The most inportant day in February is easily the day in February when the Mental Institute unveils the new model of The Safest Car In The World. This year, The SPU has had the privelage of interviewing the head of research on the car, Mr. Jenkins.

SPU: Mr, Jenkins. The new model of the safest car in the world is soon to be released. What would you say are the biggest advantages of this car over the '95 model?
Mr. Jenkins: Well, after we released the car, we got right down to actually testing the safety features and realised that there were a few minor flaws in the design.
SPU: Such as?
Mr. Jenkins: Well, the biggest problem we found was the fact that whenever a person stepped on the gas, the engine would begin to run faster and faster until the car blew up.
SPU: Couldn't the person step on the brakes and slow the car down?
Mr. Jenkins: We thought of that, but the test dummies all panicked and ran away when the engine overheated.
SPU: The dummies panicked?
Mr. Jenkins: Well, yes. We can't afford the real test dummies, so we got some spray paint and a few volunteers. . . .
SPU: Did you ever try the brakes?
Mr. Jenkins: Yes, but you realize that since the engine in the safest car in the world isn't actually connected to the drive train, slowing the wheels won't help. This is still a big safety feature, though.
SPU: How?
Mr. Jenkins: There's a zero percent chance of accidents this way. If the car won't move, there's no way to crash.
SPU: Any other problems?
Mr. Jenkins: Well, now that you mention it, there was a slight problem with the special pads that were to replace airbags.
SPU: Ah, yes, these stay deployed at all times?
Mr. Jenkins: Yes. The problem with these was that they unintentionally cut down the visibility from the car.
SPU: By how much?
Mr. Jenkins: Anywhere from 99% to 100%
SPU: Ouch. That much, eh?
Mr. Jenkins: Yes. But the good part is that the special "RoadGripper" tires worked perfectly.
SPU: Really? What were they made of?
Mr. Jenkins: They were 90% cement and 10% titanium. They weighed a ton, but kept the car wherever it was parked.
SPU: What are your plans for the new model?
Mr. Jenkins: The largest flaw in the old model was that the craftsmanship that went into creating the cars was anywhere from horrid to less than absolutely pathetic. This year, the motto of the auto division in the Mental Institute is "Craftsmanship first".
SPU: Good. Where are the parts coming from?
Mr. Jenkins: Somewhere in taiwan. They're cheaper if you buy sub-standard equipment.
SPU: Anything else?
Mr. Jenkins: We've added an anti-theft device, for all the paranoid people. There is a 14 kiloton nuclear warhead in the trunk directly wired to the driver's side door handle. When you open the door, it nukes the perpetrator.
SPU: Wouldn't it blow up a lot more than that?
Mr. Jenkins: Nothing's perfect. On another note, the sunroof has been re-enforced with a super polymer glass that can withstand a bazooka shot at close range. The other new safety feature we have is the fact that the sunroof can now only be opened by removing the roof.
SPU: Why?
Mr. Jenkins: We found that in the old model, the sunroof had a tendency to stick open and to expose the driver to the elements until it fell closed and shattered the glass. We decided to remove the hinges altogether.
SPU: Is that it?
Mr. Jenkins: Not yet. The last safety feature we have installed is the driver's side ejector seat. In the event of a crash, the driver is ejected to safety.
SPU: How is it activated?
Mr. Jenkins: By sitting down and turning the ignition.
SPU: And the person is ejected through the sunroof?
Mr. Jenkins: Yes. Oh, wait a minute. the sunroof doesn't open. Well that explains a few things.
SPU: Thank you for the interview, Mr. Jenkins.
Mr. Jenkins: Not a problem.

Well, there you have it. A sneak peek at what is to some when the Safest Car in the World is released sometime this February.
Until next time, This is agent 00-1.