A SPU Exclusive:

How NASA gets funding

After attending the press conference regarding the Pathfinder spacecraft, I was a little suspicious. Where did these aliens come from? How did NASA get the money? How could we elect a president like that? Most importantly, why cream filled donuts?

Questions such as these needed investigation. Unfortunately, The SPU's budget only allows for small investigations, so I chose to investigate how NASA got their funding.

My findings may astonish you or cause you to have a brain hemorrhage and die. (Which would be a bad thing, since you couldn't read The SPU. This shows how much we care about you, our readers.) It turns out that NASA, following the trend of many other government-funded organizations, chooses to follow their cardinal rule. This rule can be summarized in two words:

Deficit Spending.

Yes, NASA is now many billion dollars in the hole. They are, however, trying to recoup their losses. Their executives have come up with a brilliant strategy. I interviewed their spokesman, "Spud" Williams.

SPU: "After years of deficit spending, NASA is trying to balance their budget. What is your plan to do this, Spud?"
Spud: "Huh?"
SPU: "How do you plan on making money?"
Spud: "I do my job good."
SPU: "Really. What do you do as a job, Spud?"
Spud: "Sweep floors, clean toilets."
SPU: "I think there's been a mistake here."
Spud: "I clean it up."

After alot of witty conversation, we realized that someone spilled coffee on our paper, and we should have been talking to Bud Williams, the NASA spokesman. Here is a section of this interviewed. We would like to thank the U. S. government for censoring this...

SPU: "How are you, Bud?"
Bud: "*************"
SPU: "That's too bad. How much did Pathfinder cost, Bud?"
Bud: "*************"
SPU: "Wow, that's alot of money. Who can we talk to that could tell us more?"
Bud: "*************"
SPU: "Thanks for your time."
Bud: "*************"

We then went to talk to ******, who is in charge of NASA fund-raising. She told us some very interesting things about NASA's money.

SPU: "What is your job, Mrs. ******?"
******: "Well, when I'm not busy being a Brownie leader, I'm in charge of fund-raising for NASA."
SPU: "So the fund-raising ideas are yours?"
******: "Yep. I sure am proud of 'em."
SPU: "Could you tell us a little bit about them?"
******: "Well, first of all I got the astronauts making bird feeders. We're gonna sell them for about $500 a piece. There are other crafts, like making Christmas Tree ornaments and candles."
SPU: "Anything else?"
******: "Oh, heavens, yes. We have the girls, er men out selling chocolates. They're a real deal. Only $1000 a box. We also had a bake sale. In my opinion, five grand for a pie and fifty bucks for a cookie is quite reasonable."
SPU: "Oh, yes. Is there anything else you would like to tell us?"
******: "Only that there's a garage sale at Kennedy Space Center on Friday. Everything is a real bargain. If you've never owned a lunar module, here's your chance. Only 50 million. You can own your own space suit. But the real steal is the Space Shuttle Atlantis."
SPU: "I hate to ask, but how much is it?"
******: "Oh, mere change. Two hundred bucks will buy that little beauty."
SPU: "TWO HUNDRED BUCKS? That's absurd! How could you sell THE SPACE SHUTTLE for TWO HUNDRED BUCKS?"
******: "Too much? Maybe I could mark it down to one hundred."
SPU: "Did it ever occur to you that NASA might need these things? Did you check with them?"
******: "They said, "Do what you have to, just get us our money!" So I did."
SPU: "I give up. Can you do me a favor?"
******: "Sure."
SPU: "Put me down for the Atlantis. Here's a hundred bucks."
******: "Would you like the Canada Arm with that?"
SPU: "Sure. Thanks for the interview."

Well, there you have it. I am now the proud owner of a Space Shuttle. Apparently Russia has now hired ****** to balance their budget. If I catch a plane now, I can buy Mir while it's still $500! Until next time, this is Agent 001.



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