We at The SPU decided that our readers wanted something more exciting and dangerous to read. So we pondered the subject for many weeks, thinking up many different subjects, including "Bungee jumping using elastic bands" and "Driving the Mental Institute's Car". We finally decided to tell you about our recent visit to The Dangerous Animals Petting Zoo.

As we drove up to the petting zoo, we walked past the gun towers and men with taser rifles and entered the actual zoo. We then waited for the heavily armed security guards to deactivate the electric fence so we could enter. We then entered a wonderful place, where dozens of children froliced happily around the tiger cage. We could hear their screams (of joy we assume) and saw the tigers playfully pouncing on the children. To the untrained eye it might look like the Tigers were eating the children, but we knew better.

We went to the booth to get some food for the animals. They handed us a container of blood and told us to smear it on our bodies. We asked where the food was, but they just smiled and said, "You'll see." Those people seemed kind of suspicous, but we decided to trust them.

We then walked up to the door of the cage, where men in body armor opened it for us. We asked why they were wearing armor, but they just grunted at us. As soon as we entered the cage, we noticed a change in the tigers. They immediately became more alert, and started to growl at us. Then a tiger cub came up to Agent 000 and licked some of the blood off his foot. The tiger started clawing at 000's leg, so he picked up the little guy. The cuddly little tiger looked into 000's eyes, and meowed. We all relaxed. It was so cute. Agent 000 tried to pet the little guy, but he didn't like that at all. Wouldn't you know it, the little tiger clawed out 000's eyes! 000 threw down the tiger and blindly ran toward the other tigers. The tigers playfully jumped on him and ripped out pieces of his legs. It was then that the security guards came in and tasered anything that moved. When we woke up, we found out that Agent 000 was in intensive care and we had taser burns on our chest.

We were feeling very tough and brave, so we ventured back into the zoo. We decided to go see the Komodo Dragon exhibit. Surprisingly, they had three of the Dragons. The sign said they were "The most dangerous animals in the world", and "Beware of their XXXXXX, it is poisonous". We couldn't make out what the "XXXXXX" was, but we figured one little visit wouldn't hurt. Agent 000 joined us again, fresh out of the hospital. It was obvious that this was not a walk in exhibit like the tiger cage. Agent 000 let his curiousty get the better of him and he jumped over the fence to get a closer look at the Dragons. We tried to stop him but he insisted that he could defend himself if needed to. Agent 000 is a black belt in 4 martial art forms and is very resourceful; so we let him go ahead. Acting like a macho man, he jumped on one of the Kamodo's tales. Faster than we can open our mouths to laugh at the stupid, yet comical action, 000 was on the ground being mauled again. The armored guards came in, rescued 000 and gave him primative first aid.

Knowing 000 would be OK, we went to interview the owner of the zoo. We knocked on his camper door and in a matter of seconds a huge obese man in speedos answered. His exact words, "What do you kids want?" After convincing him we were not kids touring his zoo we started asking him questions.

Reagarding the founding of the zoo, all the owner had to say was, "When I was about 10 and 250 pounds, I wanted to own my own zoo. Not just any freakin sissy zoo with rabbits, one of those zoo's with large man eating sloths and 50 foot long garden snakes. So after years of planning and hard work, I finally got all the stupid animals stuffed them in tiny cages so the little brats can come and see what Nightmares are made of."
SPU: "You are all heart!"
Owner: "Well, you have to be kind in this line of work."
He owner takes out a cigar and starts to smoke. We asked him if there are going to be any big plans for the zoo in the future and he replied, "Yeah, my genetic researchers are trying to clone a dinasaur that we hope will be on exhibit in a couple months. It will beat all of those sissy fuzzy animal zoos."
SPU: "Do you have any PROGRAMS here at the exhibit?"
Owner: "Ummmmm...yeah, there is some alligator program going on right now. You get to learn about the gentle green creatures up close and personal. See, look over there. You can see the little kids playing with Fuzzy the 50 foot long alligator. He can eat a horse whole in 15 seconds...flat."
SPU: "No kidding? I want to see this!"
Owner: "Ok buddy! Look at that fat kid with the steak. Now just wait a minute." 2 minutes later the kid was in the alligator pen. "Now watch."
SPU: "I wouldn't have believed it if I saw it, but there it is. That is amazing. The kid is gone."
The owner gave an evil laugh and said that he had to get back to his supper. We left the zoo with plans to come back on a later date. Maybe we'll see that dinosaur.