July
July 3, 1999
Ah well here it is 2:40 am. I have just arrived from the drive in and thought that I should write the first ramble for july. Today has been a pretty much normal day. I sat around and did nothing for the better part of it. And then I went out and had some fun with my friends. Only one bad part about that. I've been thinking a lot lately about how things are in my life. And I haven't really decided anything yet. I finally realized what my horoscope was talking about the other day. The one about accepting things on faith. And it had to do with the magic 8-ball. It wouldn't answer one question but the one that it did answer hurt just as much. It told me that she would never go out with me. Never. and the other question that it wouldn't answer makes me even sadder to ponder upon it. it seems that my whole future rests on this situation. I am constantly thinking about it. Sometimes I wish my life was a movie and I was the hero, at least then in the end i'd be 100% sure that I ended up with my true love. Because the hero always ends up with his true love.
and today I was also pondering something else. It has to do with her poetry. everytime I read one about her being hurt by someone I always freak out. And pray that it wasn't me who hurt her. I don't like the thought of me causing her any type of pain. those are always the poems of hers that hurt the most. to even think to myself that i might have hurt her like that scares me. all my other thoughts recently have been of poetry, and trying to make the perfect poem for her. I'm pretty tired now. I think it's getting towards the time to sleep. Until next time all I can say is that I look forward to the next hug, and to the next time we touch. I bid you adieu for now world. (bow)
July 4, 1999
Well today has been odd. It started out alright, good even. and then things slowly got worse. I had myself all excited this morning. stupid me. But by the end of the day I depressed myself greatly. Most of the day was fine. I talked to brandi and showed her my new poems, which she loved. and I helped kenny with mp3s and icq and whatnot. And then things started to go bad. I was going to go watch fireworks with josh and his family. And brandi brought up the subject of going camping with rachel and I really wish I could. and it really seemed like brandi wanted me to go too. But I can't because I have school. Dman me GOD I FEEL SO STUPID!!!! and then I was dissapointed again because I asked brandi to come with us to josh's house to watch fireworks but she couldn't. And now I will not see her for 3 days. and everything will be for nothing. Well anyway I went to pick up rachie on my way to josh's house and that was fun she talked to me and put me into a better mood. But then I had this song stuck in my head. (It's still stuck there and I'm listening to it now) but anyway it was stuck there and if that was not bad enough it's this song that goes. "sometime it hurts, so much to lose you love" and that got me thinking about how much I love her and how much AAAAAHHHHHH!!! it just made me very sad. The one highlight of the evening was I made a new friend. He's six years old. He told me all about fireworks. He's a very cute kid. It was spiffy. oh another thing that sucked is that this one person that I don't like was there too. And she asked me if I was depressed or something like that. Trying to make fun of me. And that just made me more depressed. But oh well I managed to keep myself from going off on her and telling her much bad things. NO!!! I'm still apparently depressed because I can't even say "much bad" without thinking about her. I believe I'll be done with this now and answer this flashy thing on icq. Goodnight world.
July 8, 1999
Alright, today we are going to do things a little differently. I'm going to start out writing in the morning and then tonight just before I go to bed I'll add more and see if anything's changed throughout the day or something. I got little sleep last night only about 4 hours, which is fine with me as long as stuff. Well there was one major thing I wanted to ramble about and it was this, today my horoscope tells me to hold back on new ideas and contemplate them a little longer. It seems to me that all I've been doing for the last few months is contemplating. And I have no idea what to do now. I am as totally lost as I was then. So what really is this new idea?? Cause I surely have no clue. maybe it will become apparent by the end of the day. I did see Brandi and talk to her yesterday which was good I is missed her. She thinks that I don't speak enough as well. I'm not sure what I am to think of everything now. And I tried to get a clearer picture last night but again with my ineptness I wasn't asking the right questions and was just confusing people as usual. The only other thing I have to say on this subject is, it's still there as much as before. My heart still beats faster, you still make me smile, you're just as beautiful, maybe even more so, And I still feel this hole where you belong. I hope it's filled one day.
Ok the other thing I wanted to ramble about was my poems. yesterday I got a message on icq from someone that was thoroughly impressed by them, and wholeheartedly envouraged me to try and get them published. I still don't know though in my eyes a lot of them are still really not very good. And I guess another reason is that I think that some of my favorites won't make the cut, or something like that. Let's see anything else to ramble about?? Oh yeah ok. Um I got a major self esteem boost the other day because I figured something out. I don't suck!!! There isn't anything wrong with me!! I just have horrible timing. Isn't that cool. I thought so. Anyway I might explain that later, but for now I want to go see if we have any yogurt so I can eat something before I head off to work. Later.
July 8 Part II, 1999
Welcome to todays ramble part two let me read what I had before and start going again. ok anyway today at work was tiring especially on the previously stated 4 hours of sleep. Anyway today has been weird I might do something fun tomorrow, which is go to the warped tour!! YAY!!! that would be a blast. Anyway it's a good thing I am contemplating more because today I think I figured that out partially. And I decided to wait. And the other really really big contemplation is still far far from being over. I have no idea what happened and am so totally in the dark now. I wish I could read minds. It would make life much easier. And the other thing I wish is that she really did think she was very very beautiful. Because she is. Always. Anyway that's the afternoon ramble more coming later today!!
July 9, 1999
Mayhap this will be short and sweet maybe it will be long but I'll try and make it blunt. I am not satisfied with life. People have been telling me that I'm good enough and the I will find someone else. Well when I'm still sitting here and no one in the world seems even slightly interested in me. And I sit here my heart is broken. And I'm sick and tired of things. I have no life. I never do anything. My love life just plain sucks. I'm just tired of things, and it's making me bitter and very pissed off at everything. there were other things I wanted to say. ah oh yes. I have this deep fear for her. I can just see her going to her doom by staying with him. I don't think he loves her or ever will. sorry to say that but I don't. And I think he's just going to break your heart in the end. It seems he already has once maybe that's just me. and another thing that poem really scares me. I hope I am not the one that you think doesn't love you. Because I do with all my heart, all my soul, all of my being. there was something else.....ok um I am really getting tired of having to tell myself to shut up every five minutes. but it's hard to not think about her. I'm still wearing my ring. As a symbol of my love for her. I haven't taken it off in three weeks. it won't come off until I'm over her, or I can give it to her. I miss her even now. I was thinking earlier today that if I could, and she wanted me to, I would go visit her while she's in ________ . I think that now I've probably said too much. Goodbye, more later.
July 11, 1999
Today was mostly a good day. Only one really saddening thing in it. And I am sorry for that and very much so. I...urgh...she cried because of me and my previous ramble. And I am seriously considering just stopping the rambles all together because of that. I never ever meant to hurt her with any of this. I am muchly sorry for that.
Other than this one thing I think today was good though. And I hope that I cheered/helped cheer her up after her sadness. Anyways I have purpose now!!! I am taking on a massive webpage project. The creation of "FRUIT" Land of poetry. it shall be a marvelous( i hope) collection of all the teenage poets in fruitland!!! Ok so I'm really busy talking to ppl on icq so that will be all for now. HK&LOL specially to you.
July 15, 1999
Ahhhhh!!! oh wait there it is, I thought I lost my watch for a second. Anyway I thought I'd ramble now. There has been a thousand billion things running through my head recently so I'll share some of them with you. first of all I haven't rambled in a while, I stopped for a while cause the one made her cry. And then WOOHOO!!!!! ok sorry where was I?? oh yes then I just got out of the habit of doing it or something. And pretty much the only reason I am still doing them is she asked me about it and why I no rambled anymore. So here I am now rambling away. ok earlier today I wrote down stuff to ramble about so I wouldn't forget so lets look at item #1. ok mary pretends, that's a song by fuel incase you didn't know. anyway I was listening to the fuel cd today and that song started playing and it got to this part where it goes "mary pretends she so insane, so insane, She sits back and laughs at the pain, laughs at the pain. anyway this so reminded me of her last night. She started laughing at the weirdness of stuff and the pain and was insane for a while. I don't know that just sort of blew my mind. Ok then item #2 today I was sitting there and I was thinking something and all of a sudden my mind made this weird weird connection. I don't remeber exactly what it was but it was strange, like I somehow related cheese to typing. Only it involved other things it was like connecting those two things. ok so anyway that probably made little sense but I wrote it down anyway. Ok then later I was adding poems to my webpage and I was thinking how many I have written and the wondered how many words that was. And then thought to myself. Wow I bet I've typed lots and lots of words in my life. Probably in the millions and whatnot. ok that's what I wrote down I think I have another paper somewhere reminding me to ramble of stuff let me find it. ok I found it but it makes little sense to me. ok the first two make sense but the last two don't. I have no idea what I was on. ah that would explain it on the front of this other paper to remind me to ramble about stuff I wrote "I am insane" so pretty much I am. damn it all I should not ask stuff anymore. anyway that sucks 3 seconds to ruin my happiness, I'll get it back I will. Just a miscommunication I'm sure. at least I hope so. well whatever what else to ramble about?? oh ok today I got a "makeover" from the most pretty girl in the world and her best friend. and that was fun I looked like a gay man I guess. We went to texaco and then to josh's house to get pictures. and then brandi and rachie put on josh's clothes. and then brandi thought she looked fat, she didn't, she looked cute. And I didn't get a hug from her :( time, time sucks it needs to go faster and then really slowly. that probably makes little sense. Anyway I just picked up the lyrics for tonight, I love that song even more now that I know what good ol' bill is singing. anyway my yellow thing, today was in the trailer (at elm school) cleaning the floor with the blue machine and there were these yellow thingies on the wall so I grabbed one, and it is suicide prevention stuff and there's stuff to say to a troubled friend in it and whatnot things like "I want to hear about what's bothering you" and "I would feel horrible if you hurt yourself and I don't want you to die" which is fine and good, but then later on the stuff that you shouldn't say it says "don't suggest drugs or alcohol as a solution" this is freaky right?? who's going to say oh don't kill yourself just go do some acid instead. It just freaky. ok then it has some stuff about recognizing self-destructive behavior. and there are 11 signs and I had five or so of them. anyway I'd just thought I'd share. that's probably pretty boring isn't it. Well she's anxious to read it so I'll try and wrap it up. oh wait one more thing I was reading my book today and two sentences caught my attention so I wrote down the page number so I wouldn't forget, even though I didn't need to as it is page 490. so I'll copy those down really quick. ok the first one is ( "we are of one soul, you and I," she said. "one blood and one truth. You cannot reject me.") and the other one is "we did not find each other merely to have the pain of being parted" those just struck me today and stuck in my head for a while. I guess cause I've been in that sort of mind set recently. Things are ok, I'll be ok. The world will be ok. All will be ok. I'm done now.
July 17, 1999
yeah so a ramble. well lets see, today was freaky. I think I'm going to rip out my own heart and do something with it soon. I wrote new poems today, although I didn't add them to my page yet. I think I probably freaked out Brandi when I showed her that story. Even though she'll probably never admit it. It's not really that neat of a story just kind of sickening. Also it has lots of grammatical errors. I think that maybe one day I'll be a writter. Maybe a magician. Maybe a giant monster fireman. who know though. There are so many thousand things that I want to say to her. But time is what she asked for that's what she's getting. I think that maybe she thinks that I really don't love her as much as I say I do. That's wrong I do love her. I'm just not good at expressing it any other way than words, and I'm also afraid to touch her for fear she'll somehow freak out or get really mad at me or something. I don't know I'm just not good at that sort of thing. I'd really like to do a lot of things with her before I have to go away. But that probably won't work because she will not be ready by the time I have to leave. I've still got the ring on, I still love her. And I've been waiting for months which has seemed like years. and now that all the waiting is over it's too late. It seems sort of unfair. My message to her though is be not afraid. I think I'm going to go insane soon. Next time I see her I think I'm going to do things a little differently. I have the strength I just need to find a way to use it. I'll become a better person I will. I freaking will. it seems so strange to me that I'm even alive sometimes. My life is pathetic the crappy thing is I see it being exactly the same for weeks until I go off to college. I want things to change first and formost is the situation with her. I so badly want to be everything she needs. So badly want that she have everything. What I want most for her right now though is that she stop putting herself down. She probably wishes I would stop putting myself down too. What she thinks is wrong she is a good person she is beautiful and she is everything. Anyway I think that maybe I've said enough for now. Besides I'm kind of tired so I think I'll go to sleep now. I love you.
July 25, 1999
I thought I'd ramble again, I don't know why there really isn't much to say. This weeks been very good, but also horribly bad. I can't really explain it. It's like one minute everything is fine and I'm happy. And then the next everything just sucks. I'm constantly arguing with myself about stuff. like should I say it or not. I know now that I am the right one. But I let it slip away and lost my chance. It's all my fault. I just hope that I can find something close to that perfect again. Grrr I guess. I think I'm done now.
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