June


June 11, 1999

I can not save you....I can't save myself...so just save yourself. well I figured that's a good way to start this ramble as it is the song I am listening to now. but I am not your savior I am just as fucked as you. well anyway enough singing. recently I have been very bored and missing people, but now that should be all better it's the weekend and I have time off from work to do stuff. Now I just need to figure out what to do. My life has been alright recently aside from being a little bored and the horrid bad thing on wednesday this week has been good. my poems are really improving, it's starting to get warm and sunny all the time. Things aren't that bad for once. The only thing to do now is ramble about something interesting, is there anything interesting to ramble about?? The new austin powers movie comes out today and I've been looking forward to going and seeing that, so i'll probably do that tonight. I am encouraged slightly in the area of lwb maybe something good will come of it. God I'm just babbling la la la well if any of this is of any interest to you good, otherwise sorry for wasting your time. Ok here's something I thought was funny. Today I was at school, there were some kids there and they got free pop. Well anyway one shook his up to throw it, and they were trying to decide where to throw it so it would be "cool" and whatnot. finally they chucked it out into the parking lot where it barely broke open. pop went about 3 inches into the air above the can, and it was suddenly silent. Finally someone said "that was lame" and I just had to laugh and laugh and laugh. Well that's my ramble for now bye bye tee-hee hee.



June 14, 1999

Just thought I'd write another ramble for no real reason I have no idea what to ramble about. We will start off with something cool!! I heard stabbing westward and then radiohead on the radio in a row w/o commercials just thought it was cool. AS for my personal life I'm all screwed up now. I think I've finally faced up to the truth of it, which is good. But I'm still fighting the feelings I have for her. It's going to be hard but I'll make it. I think maybe one of the things it's affected most is my poetry. I've improved quite a bit I think and that's all because of her, she inspired me. But now I don't feel like writing anything anymore. Maybe in time when I have something new to write about that will change. I hope that it does return, it's one of my few talents. I need a rink. I'm going to go get some milk.



June 16, 1999

I was thinking, well we all that's not true. Actually I was at work listening to the radio (105.1 so ha ha ha) oh yeah!!! and anyway where was I, oh yes radio. So the new oleander song comes on and I'm listening to it. I mean really listening to it, and for the first time I payed attention to the words. That song truly kicks ass. It is so so close to feelings I am having right now [at least if I understand the words correctly :) ] It seriously blew my mind. was a deeply religious moment it was. Well at least it would be if it in any way shape or form involved religion. And now it has made me much depressed. I need to find the mp3 of it and listen to it constantly. speaking of which, why am I not downloading one. anyway I think that's my babble that I really enjoyed the oleander song. On a side note I think I am close to writing poems again, but they are not what I want to write so I'm putting it off. Maybe I'll concentrate on my "story" so that people will never look at me in the same light again and think that I need serious conseling. Which reminds me what time is that tomorrow. Oh well I'll just have to find out. IOV!!!! This concludes our broadcast day.



June 17, 1999

I'll start today with a cussing session. GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SON OF A BITCH WHORE SLUT CUNTRAG BASTARD ASSHOLE FUCKING WHORE BITCH COMPUTER!!! I HAD ALMOST AN ENTIRE PAGE OF DEEP MEANINGFUL RAMBLE WRITTEN AND WHAT DOES IT DECIDE TO DO?? IT JUST SAYS OHHHH I'LL FUCKING CRASH NOW JUST TO SPITE YOU. well now that that is concluded I'd like to say since this is my second time writing this it will probably not be nearly as good. So let us being. I started out last time with an AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! which I think my cussing session easily takes the place of. After that I rambled about something um what was it....oh yes oleander I will try to recreate what I said. "you know how I was rambling about how I needed to download that oleander mp3?? well i didn't instead I went out and bought the cd. I haven't listened to it all yet because I went to bed at 10pm last night (getting up at 5am for work sucks)" ok I'll just ramble on from here instead of trying to recreate, so now, I offer up to you my ramble of equal or lesser value. My horoscope for today is weird and painful. I shall share it with you

The Sun is in Gemini and the Moon is in Leo. You could be about to find true love, perhaps even your soul mate. This is a great day for it, so you might as well give it a whirl. If you have somebody in mind, you know who to invite out to dinner. Your soul mate would probably enjoy a show and to have the starring role. Do your best to comply.

alright now I admit that I read this before today, I was reading ahead to see if anything good was coming up. And it made me start to think about who I really liked, well the immediate answer was easy, but still I persisted and re evaluated all the girls I know. And I still came up with the same answer that I got in the beginning. I guess no matter how many times you add two and 2 you'll always get four. And I was also thinking if she's not my soulmate then I don't know anything. SO I cry out to the world now. "IF I'M WRONG THEN SHOW ME THE ERROR OF MY WAYS. WHO IS IT IF IT'S NOT THIS GIRL" And now I must revoke part of that it's not just this girl never just a girl. but of this I will say no more. The cut that I got from the scraper (sp?) still hasn't healed. In fact I think it's getting bigger and I can no longer touch things with the tip of my right thumb as it is painful. I'll jus put some iodine on it so it feels better :) and in the ramble I wrote earlier today (But couldn't save) I wrote something about keeping feelings locked away well not so much keeping them locked away, but it's as if I quit responding to them I just kind of ignore them and withdraw. I only really discovered this and started to understand it today thanks to a little help from someone. But it's true. all too true. and to this little problem of mine I have a little quote from a song to go with it and somewhat my feelings for it "Fuck you, I don't want it no more" well now I've completely lost my train of thought, as my brother came in and harrassed me. so I'll just do a little babble now, close with me special closing and be done with it. I'm going to make cookies after dinner, yay me!!!! And that reminds me a certain someone still needs to make me some(you know who you are). We are having spaghetti for dinner tonight, my mom is making it she make spaghetti a lot. I want my stuff from ISU to come so I can find out whom my roomate will be. Honer just came online. and now I think it's time to go. In closing I'd just like to say. I have found it, you are, have dinner with me. IOV.
Andy



June 18, 1999

Alright I think we'll start off today with a quick apology, I was pretty pissed off/goouchy cause lack of sleep at the computer yesterday and so went off on it. If that offended anyone I apologize. But I also refuse to take it down. the next part of this ramble will be me rambling about the different things I've felt today and also whatever else I want. today has been a weird trippy day filled with thoughts of death. the day started off pretty normal I got up and went to school (no work today, thank god!!) at school was sitting in classroom and on break was only one other person in room with me. And as I had my work all done and had for quite some time I was pondering. I looked up and saw this other person there and thought, of all the things I could think, how easy it would be to just get up walk over and snap her neck. She wouldn't be able to stop me it would be quick and easy. Just walk right up and snap her neck no regrets no worries and then just go home. And then I thought wow that's pretty fubar Andy. and was not very proud of me then, but directly after that I thought how easy it would be to kill just about anyone. I mean it's not hard to get guns or to get knives or any sort of weapon really. and you could just go out and kill people. And then I was thinking how you could go to some strange town far away knock on someones door and when the opened it just blow their head off, and then just walk away. It would be easy and you wouldn't get caught, hell you wouldn't even be a suspect then wouldn't even know you were ever there. And then again I thought wow you're a screwed up little man and then I said wow I don't care it's not like I would seriouisly do that or even consider doing it. And then I just went back to staring vacantly at the wall, trying not to think at all. And then on the drive home I was listening to one of my radiohead cd's, and it was this song called "punchdrunk lovesick singalong" Well anyways I was listening to that and thought about just driving over into the other lane and just hitting another car head on. I think this latest thought was brought on by the sadness the song always makes me feel. And by the fact that I was thinking about evil stuff and almost crying cause bad and hurtful. And then after thought about driving into other lane for a while I came back to reality and realized that I was only going 40 miles an hour on the 65 mile an hour road and that was being passed a lot. And I only came back to thinking clearly again cause batteries in cd player died and music stopped. Well by then I was almost back to payette and was driving along at normal speeds again and paying attention and not feeling too good. So when came to light thingy to turn towards fruitland I took off really fast at green light and just went much fast until 45 mile an hour place again. I only got up to 95 miles an hour but then I really didn't care about much when was doing that. And so finally I arrived home and realized that I needed contact with other peoples. SO I called gordo and he was not home. But I knew where he'd be and went over there directly. I spent about an hour or two their talking to the peoples and soon was feeling better. Then we went to gordo's house to put together his new puter. And that was fun for a while. then I took rachie home and went back to gordo's where I stayed until 10:47pm I have no idea what I did there really other than while we were waiting for the computer to defrag. I was playing with his laser pointer thing and wrote one name on the wall constantly for god knows how long. And now I am home and it is 12:11am and I'm wondering what I'm going to do. Ah and now here it is 17 minutes later and I still haven't found the right way to say what I'm thinking, I'll ponder it longer. Well screw pondering let's just blurt it out. I hate the way things are going. I mean today I went crazy,and for what? well I know what for. But I can not say that because it will hurt her, And I don't want her to feel bad. Why does it have to be so hard?? why ?? everything is hard I can't speak one way it is painful for her because she doesn't want to hurt me. And the other way it is painful for me because I am and I can't see not being that way. Argh it just is not good. and just all day today there has been this not really a pain but something sort of like...well just an uncomfortable feeling located in my lower chest. And just yeah I think it is time to close today's ramble, I think I shall end today's ramble even though it spilled over into tomorrow a little, but hey it doesn't really become tomorrow until I sleep today, which is tomorrow???? Anyway thanks for wasting/maybe enjoying/probably not caring/but most likely reading anyway because you are bored. So thanks and I'll close with this "are tree's really happy?" think about it..... tee-hee hee
Later world another update on my life tomorrow



June 19, 1999

Ahh here it is 2:47 am fathers day. And I think it's time to rabmble. I am going to cheat though and say that it's the 19th so I can ramble tomorrow and have it be the 20th Today I went bowling with rachie and gordo. My highest game was a 117 and my lowest a 60 because I traded my 130 for rachie's 60 cause she felt bad about being a not so good bowler. And that was fun I guess. although I wish Brandi was there. It hasn't even been a week yet and i miss her muchly. I made my webpage into a frames site today. yay me or something and maybe I'll add the latest poems soon. Who knows. I'm tired now, and feel yucky and that weird feeling of uncomfortableness/numbness is still here. Gordo told me he felt like he shouldn't really be reading these things but that he liked too. I guess that it's sort of like reading someones diary, it something that's personal that you don't think you should be reading but you can't put it down sort of thing. I want to go away from here for a while. I'm stuck in the same path and I need to get out. it's like I'm constantly thinking and feeling the same things. And I can get out and do stuff for a while and then it all comes crashing back on me. even today when I was bowling and having fun two words were said and they affected me and I was sad for a bit. I don't think this ramble will be as large as yesterdays there isn't really as much to say. other than the bowling I really didn't do much else today. I mowed some grass, I took a shower, I played videogames, I updated my webpage, and that's about it. So I think I'll wrap this ramble up. IMYHBATTM. Psycho love to all.



June 22, 1999

Well it's been awhile and I think it's time to ramble again. So I'll start off with stuff on sunday. On sunday I was adding new poems and finishing up some other things on my webpage. And as I was adding about the third poem a thought occured to me. I thought "Why am I doing this, I should just delete all these poems get rid of them from my hard drive and burn the disk and all the original copies. Because they are all just words all hollow and empty, unfulfilled words. Not unfulfilled on my part but unfulfilled. Then I changed my mind, and decided to keep them, Partially because I didn't want to have to hunt down all the copies that Rachie and Brandi have, Well at least Rachie has some, And partially because there is nothing else to cover those spots on the wall, and Partially because to destroy them would be to kill a part of myself, And I promised I wouldn't do that. Anyway they're still here, Other than that I really didn't do much on Sunday. Monday was a weird day, had the whole work, school, work, sleep thing. And then towards the end of the day I was laying on the floor listening to radiohead (I like radiohead) and I was laying in this certain spot on the floor. And it reminded me of the time she came over and was lying pretty much were I was. Now here comes the really freaky part so don't be all weirded out by this. Anyway I thought about that and how on that day that she was there, just after she left I laid down were she was on the carpet and just laid there for a while. I'm not entirely sure why, maybe just to be close to where she was I'm not sure but I did it. And then after I thought about that it got me thinking back to the very first time I saw her. way back then at that one place in nampa I think. I didn't feel about her then the way I do now, but I remember that from the very first time I saw her I thought she was cute. And then that made me think about when I started to feel the way I feel now, And I think it was that day in the band room she borrowed that book from me, And for the first time she spoke to me, and she smiled at me. And I think that's when I started to fall in love with her. It makes me smile to think of it. And now that I've written that I feel weird because it's Like I'm talking to someone but I guess it should be since I'm telling a story. Anyway that was monday. today was weird too Especially DQ, which I'm pissed off at now. So I'll tell of that. We went to DQ after scouts, we being Ja-Shwa, Gordo, Jack, and me. And we got blizzards and sat down and were eating them. And this guy at the counter was staring at me. And I thought nothing of it and then a little while later I looked over and he was still doing it. And then the whole time we were there he was staring at me. And I was thinking WTF this guy is creeping me out. So then he goes and cleans something up and puts trays away or something and walks by, staring at me the whole time. And of course I was talking to the friends and telling them that the guy was staring at me. And so as he walks by I say and this guy is still staring at me the FREAK!! and I said it loud and of course the manager person walks up and says accusingly to me, Like I've done something wrong she says "Is there a problem" And I said no, and she says. "good" ( I think she was mad at us maybe we were being loud I don't know) and then the punk that was staring at me said " you got a fucking problem?" with the manager standing right there and she didn't say anything to him so agian I said no, And the guy stared at me the rest of the time we were there and stared still as we walked out. It was freaky and if I had any balls he and I would have had words, but for now I'll just settle with being pissed at DQ cause the ppl are rude. Except Joe he's not rude. Anyway that's my ramble now it's time to say bye bye to mom 4 and fern and go listen to radiohead and sleep. night world.



June 26, 1999

Wow 4 days since my last ramble, I must be slacking or something. Well today has been pretty boring. I didn't do much all day until about 5 when we went to boise (we being Aric, Gordo, and I) anyway we went and gordo got a few cds and gordo and I both got new video games. Yay us. Lunar the shining star is what we got. I've only played it about 2 hours but it's fun so far. anyway there is more to ramble about but first I must go off on this thing. The merger of yahoo and geocities is beginning to piss me off. hopefully everything will be running smoothly again. And another thing that's weirding me out is the title bar at the top keeps flickering and it's tripping with my head. Oh well though, now on to bigger and maybe better things. Ok so today on the ride home from boise I was looking at stuff and I realized that Idaho can be somewhat pretty when viewed as a landscape type thingy, from far away and what not. but up close it looks like the ugly stupid desert that it is. Other than that today I was thinking about the return of someone. and how I'm eagerly anticipating it. And then that made me think of other stuff like how when she gets back I wish I could just run up and hug her and hold her close forever and ever. but that probably wouldn't go over to well. I'm sure the hug would be fine, but she'd probably start kicking me after a while so that I'd let go :) Anyway then after that I was thinking more and got a little sad. And then what else is there to ramble about......hmmm......oh I still haven't told the world of the significance of the ring, but I think that's a little too personal for now. Let's just continue with the story of I got it from the lost and found (which I did) and that will be all. Argh this is still not long enough to count as a good ramble what else is there to babble about. oh well nothing really. I guess I could talk about this, today I have been thinking muchly about love type stuff. and was thinking about how it seems everywhere i go I see people holding hands or being lovey dovey or whatever and it makes me insanely jealous. I want all that and it makes me very much so sad when I see it everywhere and know that I don't have it and it's not likely that I'll be getting it soon. It makes me want to beat head against wall. Well we can't end on that sad note so i will say that um I don't know screw it. Lets just end with Yay only the rest of today and all of tomorrow until it's monday!!!! BLAH to all.



June 27, 1999

So today will be kind of different as this won't be posted immediately. My brother is on the internet talking to his girlfriend so I can not type this and post it through geocities. So I'll write it today and post it later. Today has been ok I woke up I played lunar for a long time and then I ate then watched tv. and now i'm doing this. random thoughts I've had today. I was putting away my laundry saw my favorite shirt (it's blue) and I thought of her. I wear it for her a lot of the time because it is blue and I hope maybe she takes more notice of me when I'm in it. I'd paint my skin blue for her. but that's something not to be spoken of because it is a very delicate situation. I miss her much, but she'll be back tomorrow. It kind of makes me sad because I haven't written one poem since she's been gone. So it's been two weeks almost. I think I've almost lost the desire to. it is sad because i like to do it. it was sort of a window into my soul. and now the window is closed so that either no light can get it, or so the darkness of outside can't get in. I haven't decided. and that just reminded me of a line from a mike meyers movie "I want you back he screamed into the cold night air like a fireman running to a window that has no fire" And now that I've said that it is so so so true that mike meyers smart and funny. "why I'm here" by oleander is still on my mind a lot. I hear it about once a day. And it just sticks there it is the reason for my pain and whatnot. I just think it's a very fitting song. Maybe I'll start my own band someday. And we can sing all the fucked up songs that zach and I have come up with. so maybe in the future you can look forward to "the bitch album" and songs like "the get it on lullabye," "why can't we fuck," "thrusting, moaning," and others although it will probably never happen. I think that it is now time to go away from writing this ramble. I'll close with "huzzah tomorrow she arrives, I hope she'll want to do something with us soon so that I can see her. and crap that reminds me I have to do that thing for her. ok anyway this is me signing off for now.
Insane rambles forever

Kainbo(w)




June 28, 1999

Well I'm not sure how to ramble today. I just want to apologize I am sorry. I am horribly depressed today. You were right I am very unhappy. but I don't see how I could possibly be happy. nothing works right. nothing begats nothing. And because I am nothing how can I make something. I can't. I'm just so sorry. I feel a lot like breaking my promise. But I can't. I still have something for you. hopefully you won't just throw it away after I give it to you. I am tired but I can't sleep. I did write new poems today, but all of them involve the word fuck. I haven't taken this ring off since I found it, and it's purpose. I've been wearing it constantly for over a week. except the one time I accidentally dropped it. and I tried to explain it to you and ask if it was ok that I dropped it. but I just couldn't explain it to you. is this long enough. Cause I don't feel like writting anymore. my stomach is starting to hurt and I feel yucky now. bye bye I'm done.



June 30, 1999

It's ramble time. today sucked. started out ok, at least the first 20 minutes of it. then while i was in the shower things started to go bad. i was thinking while showering and i thought damn i want to be the one to wake her up. I had the perfect vision of it in my head. me sitting down by the bed. her hair would be out of place and i'd tuck it behind her ear. and then i'd gently shake her awake. it was just the perfect vision. and then suddenly it all fell apart. I almost fell in the shower. I had to sit down and calm myself before i started to cry. I'm not really sure why I suddenly felt so horribly sad. but i think it might have had something to do with the fact that I could never do that. I'd never be able to wake her up like that. so then I had to calm myself and get back up and finish showering and go to work. it was hard I moved through the first three hours of the day on sheer will power alone. as I seemed to have no energy and no real desire to do anything. so then after I drove to school somehow my will to live returned. and I wrote a small poem. then I did the thing and came back from school. to have my wish fulfilled (i guess) and brandi and rachie were there. and they stayed for a while and then left. and um that was fine I was working the whole time but oh well there is there. and then day was ok and came home. and thought should go to movie and told josh of plan. and then called gordo to tell of plan and we talked for while then talked on internet to people. then went see movie. and that was good/bad, good cause was good movie and friends good. and bad cause painful owee stuff. the poem I read today was good though. it made me happy/sad but mostly happy. I think I'm done rambling for now. on a side note i spoke too soon. today was infact a good day. I talked to brandi for a while afore I went to sleep and she cheered me up. yay!!!! so thanks penny your luck worked and I went to sleep happy. and thanks to Brandi too. Ok now I'm done rambling.

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