October
October 7, 1999
Ok so I was sitting here on a thursday looking at my page and saying, "hmm what can I do to it?" and then it hit me. I could ramble again!! and then I thought yeah that would be a good idea so I can have at least one for every month. well except that one month I missed. And besides it's been a long time since I've rambled. A whole lot has happened. I'm at college midterm was yesterday. This week has been really tough. I've had a lot of personal problems, and my friends have been having problems too. I hope everything works out alright, it should. I have a feeling things will be coming back to normal soon. Gordo's birthday is tomorrow and I have no evil present planned for him. he'll get something good I'm sure. Hmmmm maybe a scavenger hunt around campus. sounds good to me. A SPOT A SPOT I HAVE TO MOVE MY CAR!!!!!! Alright now my car is in it's rightful hole. Today I was looking through files on my hard drive and I found a poem that I'm pretty sure no one has ever seen before, and also the IA card that I made for Brandi. I forgot all about it. I'll have to print it out and send it to her. Hopefully she still appreciates it. Things have been yucky for a while. I hope I can pull them back together and still be her friend, her friendship really means a lot to me. Alright now I've got a little contest for all you people out there that actually read this portion of the page. I'm going to let my hair grow out long, as soon as it is a suitable length I'm going to dye it a color. This is where you people come in. You can decide what color it is, all you have to do is click the little e-mail button over there at the side and let me know what color you want me to dye it. Whatever color gets the most votes by the time it's long enough to dye is the color it will be. Alright what else to ramble about. Ok bands, I am starved for music, I need a new cool band, not hanson thank you very much. A cool band. it's not that I don't like my music anymore, I'm just getting kind of tired of it. Mayhap I should listen to the new type o neg. Ok I'll go off on this, sam goody sucks cock!!! sure they have lots of cds, sure a small fraction of them are hard to find elsewhere, but they are damn expensive. You can buy any cd cheaper at shopko which has the same selection. SAM GOODY SUCKS BOYCOTT THEM!!! buy your cd's else where so you don't have to pay twenty dollars for a cd that you can get for 15 anywhere else. Anyway that's my little rant about sam goody. My god that girl has nice legs. Weird weird things happen when you're in college. Especially on road trips. We have a road trip planned for november 13th!!!! I am super excited we are going to vegas to see creed!!! it will be sweet. It shall be my first concert ever. And I will enjoy it. AHHH my hands are cold I'm going to shut the window now. Ok I'm not talking about anything important now so I'll just stop this ramble here. Bye each.
October 20, 1999
Well whatever, I've decided to ramble again, I have a lot to say but I'll probably end up saying very little. Item #1 a previous ramble of mine. It was worded so very stupidly, as I didn't want to hurt feelings, but there it hangs on a wall. That totally baffles me. I know it has nothing to do with her liking me, but still it seems really weird because last time I told her something close to that she got really upset with me and told me I was wrong. So it's very confusing that it hangs on her wall, and she won't tell me why it's there, but I guess it's not that important. gggggggghjgghghgghbghbgbgh alright Item number two has to do with a certain someone. She's very lovely and I did my thing, but I have no idea what she thought. And now I have no idea as to whether I should continue or just forget about it. I want a chance at something here, it doesn't have to be with her, I just want a girl to be interested in me. well let me rephrase that, I'm sure there are some, I want those that are to let me know somehow. I think I'll probably continue with my wooing I guess is a word you could use to describe it. Because she really is pretty, an angel indeed, and would like to know her. Item 3 this one is really hard to write about because I don't want to kill anything, or make her more upset with me. But I do, I still do. I think I might always. I can not stop thinking about her. Like today I was coming down to the lab not twenty minutes ago to do this, and I thought I saw her standing there in the hall. Another thing that makes me somewhat upset is that I can't be nice to her, tell her she's pretty, do anything nice for her. She won't let me. Like the other day, I was seriously not cold at all, and she wouldn't accept my blanket. But then not ten minutes later Nuzz offered his up and she took that. that was really depressing. (on a tangent, everything must change. these words just came on the radio, a clue, a message from above?? or just the net song starting. ) anyway that really something, it hurt, but it's what I've come to expect I guess. I suppose in her mind she hasn't convinced me that we can only be friends yet. So she won't let me be nice to her. she's got to try and be mean so that I knock it off. Well she needs to know that I am convinved, I will never ask her about it again. I'll never think she wants to be anything but friends. I can not promise to stop having feelings for her, but I can promise to not bother her about it, and try and be the best friend to her that I can be. A lot of stuff happened to me on last saturday that could I guess be included in item three. One of them I absolutely refuse to talk about, as it was an extremely scary thought for me. But I can tell you about my, uh...vision I guess is a word for it. We were sitting there, me being somewhat depressed for reasons mentioned and reasons unmentioned, and it was time for the awards to be given. All I could think at that moment was, I wish I had a gun. I would have loved to run out there climb up on the drum majors stand and scream something to the effect of "take that fuckers" and just kill my self. That would have been a great ending to that day. I'd say almost perfect ending, but then there would be those people that would say. That's horribly sick, how could you do that. what about your promise, yadda yadda yadda. Well let me explain this action. 1st of all, I am messed up, horribly messed up. I have lots of issues from my past. I have a slight obsession with pain, my own and others, I guess I deal with thoughts like those by writing my twisted stories, and thinking things like killing myself in front of thousands of people. it's either that or cause actual physical harm to myself. (I still have my scar, in plain sight on my left arm, which no one has noticed) So I choose to do my little thoughts and stories rather than harm to me. I think it's a fair trade. So as to those of you with objections. I probably won't break my promise, and I am afraid of suicide still so it won't happen. Ok that might have seemed rather harsh or weird or something, but keep in mind this is just random thoughts that pop out of my brain, and this is what I think and feel in the moment. And is only relevant to this moment. Alright on to Item 4. I'm really not sure what item 4 is, so I'll leave it up to my subconscious to think of something. Alright the kleenex of fate, I can speak of that. good subconscious. Alright the kleenex of fate is a kleenex with pink, maybe it's orange, well pink or orange writing on it. It's for my future wife. Sort of a little joke I have with myself. Back when I had little self esteem. Alright it is all folded up. On the front it says "for her" you unfold it once and it says "marry me" you unfold it again and it says "Please" and then you unfold it a final time and it has a stupid picture a drew on the right and on the left it says "OK THEN, Sorry to have bothered you" Alright that probably says to you man this guy has no self esteem. Well I used to be that way a lot but now it's a joke to me, I find it amusing and have decided to give it to my future wife. I still remember the day I made it, the girl I was thinking about when I made it would make me respond like that thus the please and the ok then sorry to have bothered you. But now it doesn't really matter so I will give it unto the lady I ask to marry me. Item 5. My note books are not scary, I can't believe you daid that. The FQ book is awesome it has the coolest pictures and poems. And the black book of death has all my neat rambles and a few poems. They rule!! don't say they are scary. Cause if you think that then I am going to have to show them to you and let you read them. So you can see they are not scary!!! And then I guess there is another notebook, the green notebook of me. It has sort of story, well my story of love I guess is what I would call it. I got to a certain point in writing it and just stopped and haven't had the desire to continue since. But I have to finish it. I want to be able to read it and always remember my "moments" with her. I think it will be a great thing, I truly do. Anyway I think I am out of ramble for now, that was a lot wasn't it?? and nothing's even happened yet today, it's not even noon!!! Well most of it was from last weekend. I always have a lot to write about after I go home for the weekend. wow the song for brandi's new motto. But the weekend, the weekend alway gives me a lot of food for thought. Like the last time I went home, I had one of the most wonderful days in my life. I'll always remember that. That gave me lots to think about, but I believe I wrote about it in "The Black Book of Death" And then last weekend I went home and had a bad day and that gave me a lot to write about. which went here as I felt the need to ramble. Ok I have it Item 6. Thanks a lot world. I now see how important this section is to the people out there. Not one response, but oh well I'll deal. I am hungry, mayhap zach would like to go eat. I shall ask him. Alright I think that's enough now. Six items have been discussed by me. I guess I 'll put a seventh one. Item 7. I think I'll be working on either my webpage or flop very soon, I've got the urge to do some damage to the web world. I was supposed to make a webpage for my floor sometime too, perhaps I should talk to ryan about that. Anyway Look closely in the future there should be a lot of new web developments from me. That pretty much was Item 7. Grr now I have an Item 8. This item is musical, as music is a big part of my life. I bought the K's Choice cd yesterday, because Kay Kay recomended it to me. (I thought that was kind of ironic that I bought K's Choice as it was a choice of Kay, but that's just me. Anyway there is a point to this I swear. The cd is "paradise in me" and it's really really good. I fell in love with it the first time I listenend to it. The first song "not an addict" I'm sure many of you have heard before, Well the rest of the cd is a mix of mellow music and a little bit of upbeat pop sounding stuff. It's a really good cd and I recommend that you go out and get it. Oh yes this is related so I'll just leave it as item 8. I rambled before about sam goody, and musicland and how much they suck. Well the k's choice cd was 18.98 at sam goody and I bought it at walmart for a whopping 13.88 see sam goody sucks. But so does walmart, but at least they have cheap stuff which is good for a poor college student. But I am now done rambling for this session. So I'll say bye bye now and take care of some other webpage stuff. Later World, well I guess pretty much one or two people.
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