(The scene: The mythic world of Quells, where a bunch of troops, for Quells and its bad, bad, very bad counterpart: Tendo. The troops keep fighting. And fighting. And fighting. And fighting until the writer gets tired of all this fighting.)
Director: Hey Chico! That's you, moron!
Chico: Oops... My bad.
(The scene switches to the Castle of Quells, where an apprentice is fighting a giant replica of Zorro conjered by a magician named Catheter. (pronounced "cath-er")
Rohan: There! Take that! And that! And here's one for your old man!
(The figure disappears.)
Oh... did I kill it?
Catheter: No. I did. You're getting way too excited for this line of work.
Rohan: Me? Excited? You've got to be kidding.
Catheter: Yes. Besides, the spell can only last for a few seconds before a giant plot hole comes and sucks it up.
Rohan: Oh.
Catheter: Well, I have to go now. I have been called to King Concubine's chamber for a meeting with him and the princess.
Rohan: Why can't I go with you?
Catheter: Because the princess will be there. And I know how you are with the princess.
Rohan: That was only one incident!
Catheter: I know, but it was that one incident that cost me my job as a real magician. Now I must go. You stay here.
Rohan: Yes, Catheter.
(Catheter leaves to the castle. Rohan checks to see if the coast is clear. Then he signals his best friend, Angus.)
Angus: Hey, Rohan! Eww.. Smells like old druid in here!
Rohan: That's because... Hey, don't touch that!
Angus: Why not? It might freshen up the place a bit.
(Angus blows the magic powder over the room, causing a gratuitous cameo to appear.)
Kenny: (What am I doing here?)
Angus: Didn't you hear the narrator? You're the gratuitous cameo!
Kenny: (Oh... Well, see ya.)
(Kenny walks out the window when...)
Rohan (rushing to the window after hearing gun fire): Oh my God! They have slain Kenny!
Angus: Those bastards! (sniffing) And it still smells like old druid in here!
(In the Castle of Tendo, a queen who obviously hasn't been getting much sleep watches the battle through her mist.)
Queen Mauve: I can't see a thing through this mist!
Spork: Allow me. (bashes the mist until it becomes clear)
Mauve: Much better. Now. (looking) I was better off watching snow.
Spork: What shall you do, my queen?
Mauve: I must call upon Mandingo, the dark fairy of Rockmore.
Spork: Why him?
(From out of a green flame pops Mandingo, a short, short man.)
Mandingo: You doubt the power of Mandingo?
Spork: Yes! (gets hit over the head with Mauve's Aladdin toy wand)
Mauve: Don't mind him. He's.
Mandingo: Mandingo knows. Now Mandingo must show you what you need to win. (gives a magic 8-ball to Mauve) Now you have the means to claim your birthright.
Mauve: I know. (picks up her toy scepter and puts the magic 8 ball on it) By the power in this orb, send to me a creature!
(A creature materializes. It's a mime. She begins pulling an imaginary piano. After seeing the horrors of a mime, she tries again. This time, she materializes a giant ram-humanoid type creature.)
Spork: I think I'll call him Stampy.
Mauve: Go. Destroy Quells!
(Little (yeah, right) Stampy bows at his command and squishes a mouse in the process. Meanwhile, at the counsel meeting between Catheter and King Concubine, we find that Princess Deirdre is running late.)
Deirdre: Oh... If I'm late, my father will slay me!
Rohan (bumping into her accidentally): Hello, Princess. Please excuse me.
Angus: That was brilliant.
Deirdre: What are you doing here? Do you know who I am? I'm going to be late! Shouldn't you be helping the help?
Rameses (responding to her questions): Hmmm... let's see... Entertaining the throne... no... and I care because... and I heard that!
Deirdre: Not you, jester!
Rameses: Oh.
Angus: Please excuse my bull-headed, misguided friend, your highness. (kisses her hand)
Deirdre: Get your poor-people cooties off of me!
Rameses: Don't forget smelly like old druid.
Rohan: Begone, jester.
Rameses (a la Cary Elwes in "The Princess Bride"): As you wish, (under his breath) pathetic little so-and-so...
Deirdre: I will deal to you two later, but now I have more pressing matters to tend to. (storms off)
Angus: Rock my world, baby!
Guard: There! The thief! Grab him!
Angus: Hey, watch the package!
(The guards remove Angus from the throne room and throw him into a cell with someone who looks like a Klingon. Meanwhile Deirdre tends to her father's meeting when he receives word that the forces from Tendo are attacking.)
Concubine: As I was saying before, we cannot surrender. If we do, we don't have much of a series.
Catheter: I agree.
Concubine: What about your magic?
Catheter: It's way too weak for Queen Mauve's forces. Besides, it's white magic. If you've ever played Final Fantasy, you'd know that.
Rameses: What's Final Fantasy?
Catheter: I don't know, the point is, she's just too strong for me.
(a warrior comes in)
Warrior: It... it.... it... it..... it....
Concubine: Get on with it, man!
Warrior: It's huge!
Concubine: What do you mean?
Warrior: This throne room! How do you manage to pay off the mortgage?
(Another, more competent warrior enters)
Warrior #2: It looks like a giant ram with feet! (runs off like a scared goat)
Concubine: You've got to work on something, Catheter.
Catheter: Damn it, Concubine, I'm a druid, not the President!
Mauve's image: Hey... those words are copyrighted!
Concubine: Mauve! SEIZE THAT VERMINOUS BI--- uh... WITCH!
(the warriors run through the illusion)
Mauve: Nice try, dead eye. I'm giving you one last chance. You will surrender or I will use all my magic to make you wish that you did. (disappears)
Deirdre: You're not going to take her seriously, are you father?
Concubine: What choice do I have?
Deirdre: Don't speak like that! You will rule this generation and I will rule the next!
Rohan: And our children will rule the next!
Deirdre: I thought I told you to do some more druid stuff!
Rohan: Sorry. (walks off) When Rameses told me you were possessed, he wasn't kidding.
Catheter: There may be a way to defeat that b-... uh.. Witch. the ancient scroll tells of land of Tir Nir Nire and of the warrior Giganta who will bring peace to Quells for 1000 generations!
Concubine: A thousand?
Catheter: Or until 1960, whichever the sooner.
Concubine: I'm afraid I can't count on a smelly old druid's words now. At sunset, Quells will surrender.
Deirdre: You can't surrender, father!
Concubine: One more word out of you and I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand!
Rameses: Testify!
All: Shut up, Rameses!
(In the country side, the giant Ram-man of Tendo is rampaging on a small village. Accidentally, a scene from "Power People" is used. Oops, wrong scene. Now, as I was saying, Rohan seeks counsel from Catheter.)
Rohan: I don't understand, Catheter. How will I get Deirdre's attention by wearing a dress?
Catheter: You won't, but it's good for a laugh! but back to business. (starts packing his stuff and Most Valuable Druid awards) Better continue packing. I suggest you do the same, Rohan. The moment, Mauve steps foot in Quells, we'll all be out of jobs.
Rohan: Do you think there is a way to beat Queen Mauve's forces?
Catheter: Didn't we go over this a couple of scenes ago?
Rohan: I don't know. Deirdre kicked me out.
Catheter: Oh yes.. You were being your charming self, as usual...
Rohan: Well, hold that against me.
Catheter: Rohan, look at this. (Rohan snatches the parchment from Catheter.)
Rohan: (reading) A boy forsaken by his lineage, bearing the mark of angst, shall find the great warrior Giganta who will bring peace to Quells for 1000 generations. Or until 1960, whichever the sooner. Looks like it's from the Moldy Old Piece of Paper.
Catheter: That's because it is, you half-wit. Rohan, do you remember when I bought, er, FOUND you?
Rohan: No.
Catheter: You were a poor old street rat, rummaging for food or a fight or a nice piece of rump buttocks, and I brought you here to be my apprentice. You had a mark on your shoulder?
Rohan: Yeah. (pulls up shoulder to reveal a tattoo that says "Lowlanders Bite")
Catheter: The other shoulder. (He pulls up the other shoulder to see what looks like the Saban logo, but you never know...) that symbol may help you save Quells.
(A little later, King Concubine is looking at the same Moldy Old Piece of Paper...)
Concubine: Now is not the time for fairy tales.
Rameses: What do you think we're living in, smart-boy?
Concubine: That's it. Castrate this jester! He no longer pleases me. As for my decision, you have not altered it. Quells will surrender.
Rameses: (holding his crotch) Anything but that! I'll be out of a job!
Deirdre: See? It's not THAT bad...
Rameses: Quiet you or I'll sic this fairy boy on you.
Deirdre: If this boy is who he says he is, then why not give him a chance?
Rohan: I am a man!
Deirdre: Not according to what I heard! (turns to Concubine) So when do we leave?
Rohan: You don't. You're a girl. Knights and warriors are supposed to be men.
Rameses: Way to blow the plot, Rohan.
Concubine: Deirdre, such an action for a future queen of Quells is desirable. Maybe some of the men find it attractive, but, as your father, I am afraid I have to make you stay.
Deirdre: (whining) Aww, but daddy!!!
Concubine: Deirdre...
Deirdre: As you wish, father. (leaves)
Concubine: That was too easy. You, keep an eye on her.
Guard: (perversely) O-KAY!
Deirdre: Don't watch me too closely. I might decide to poke your eyes.
Catheter: Why not? You have trusted my counsel in the past. Trust it now!
Concubine: I doubt my own judgment. Rohan, you may take two people with you.
Rohan: I choose Angus and Rameses.
Catheter: Why Angus?
Deirdre: Never mind that, why Rameses?
Rohan: Furthers along the plot.
Concubine: Fine then. But I must warn you, if you are not back before the summer solstice, Quells will surrender. Go... bring us... Bring all of Quells, the warrior Giganta.
--- (A couple of hours later, Angus is seen in a jail cell singing the blues.)
Angus (singing off-key): I've been downhearted, baby! I've been downhearted baby... Evvvvvvver since the day you left...
Rohan (walking in): Ever since the day you left!
Angus: Rohan! Rameses! What are you two doing here?
Rameses: To give you some singing lessons? (mocks Angus) I've been downhearted baby!!!!
Rohan: Don't make me castrate you. (Rameses latches onto his piece).
Rameses: Sorry.
Rohan: I've come to rescue you, if you'll help me!
Angus: With what?
Rohan: Help me save Quells!
Angus: I'd rather be a court jester.
Rameses: Yeah. Hey!
Angus: Hmm... stay here and die... or go on a quest... and die. ... ... When do we leave?
(The next day, Rohan, Angus, and Rameses move to the courtyard of the Castle of Quells.)
Concubine: Here are some supplies for your trip. And if you should run out, you could always eat Rameses.
Rameses: That's not funny, you highness.
Concubine: Who was joking?
Catheter: You better get going. It will be dark soon.
Rohan: Thanks, mom.
Angus: I thought you mom was dead!
Rohan: Well, um.... Ah... Um.....
Rameses: What he means is, can we go now?
Catheter: Okay. It's time for you to go now.
(The three walk out of the castle.) And may Dagobah be with you, my son.
Concubine: What did you say?
Catheter: Ike's on fire.
(Sure enough, Ike the guard was on fire. Meanwhile, the three journey across Quells to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai"... wait a minute... Who's in charge of the music?)
Music Guy: Oops...
(I knew we shouldn't have fired Andy. Anyway, once the Celtic pure moods CD was found and replaced, the three heroes continued the quest.)
Rameses: Are we there yet?
Rohan: No.
(The three come up on a forest at night. It is there that they decided to set up camp for the night.)
Angus: Is this it?
Rohan: According to this map, where we are going is just up that hill.
Rameses: And where ARE we going? (silence)
Rohan: I dunno.
Angus: Can we just sleep on this?
Rohan: Good idea. There's a nice patch of leaves over there.
Angus: I call the log!
Rameses: And what about me?
Angus: There's a pile of... something over there.
(The trio go to sleep, and Rohan begins to have a fairy-dust induced dream and no it's not what you think it is. The fairy, Aideer, begins to talk to Rohan as he travels in his mind.)
Aideer: As you go upon your quest,
you will encounter this,
A guide from a faraway land
whose points you will often miss.
He will lead you to the fairy stone
with a rock as red as candy,
The magical land of Tir Nir Nire
And gosh darned it, it looks dandy.
The fairy king will test your might
And when the test is through,
You will get the four Mythic weapons,
And armor will wait for you.
And then you will receive a fire dragon,
A clear and useless force.
And in the end, the warrior Giganta
Atop a mighty, and nonexistent horse.
(The next day.)
Rohan: I'm telling you, it's a sign!
Rameses: I don't know about you, Angus, but I think this guy is sniffing some fairy du-hu-hu-huuuuuuuuust!
(The three are sprung in a trap. Then a Moorish knight appears and laughs haughtily.)
Ivar: Well, well, freaking well. Look what I caught today.
Rameses: You sick MONKEY!!!
Ivar: Cool you're tongue, jester. I just need to know one thing. Have I caught my person. (looks at the three men's faces) Hmm. I'm gonna need glasses. None of you are him. Although the jester is bastardly close. Fine. I will release you. And a letter of apology will be written to....
Angus: The king of Quells.
Ivar: Okay. The King of Quells. You don't look like knights. I'll tell you what. I shall fight you. All three of you.
(The three draw their swords and... drop them. Immediately, all four begin to compete in an Irish jig-off to the soundtrack of "Lord of the Dance".)
Okay. You have proven yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, I must continue my search for a thief (Rameses points at Angus). He has a scar on his forehead and fiery red hair. He stole a chalice, a regal treasure of my country.
Rameses: Where is your country?
Ivar: Across the sea. Anyway, I have tracked him to this island. Did I mention that he also has a history of castration?
Rameses: Castration, you say? (grabs his... okay, you saw this coming).
Angus: I'll tell you what. I know of the sneaky, conniving, bastard that you are after. Lead us to the fairy rings, and I'll show you your thief.
Ivar: Very well then. This way (Rameses follows him).
Rohan: Angus, do you know this thief?
Angus: I'll let you in on a little secret. You know that hair coloring Catheter has been working on? And this headband? (removes his headband to show a scar).
Rohan: You mean...
Angus: Hey, it gets us to the faerie rings faster.
(That night)
Ivar: Well, here it is. (shows him a jewelry store called "Faerie Rings.")
Rameses: Wrong Faerie Rings, buddy.
(Later that night, the foursome go to the Faerie Rings.)
Ivar: There. I've shown you to your Faerie Rings. Now show me to my thief.
(Then a mysterious cloaked figure appears from out of nowhere.)
Angus: You want your thief? Well then... (grabs the cloaked figure by the torso) here he is!
(Rameses kicks the cloaked figure. Ivar goes up to it and removes the hood. The cloaked figure is revealed to be...)
Deirdre: HOW DARE YOU THREE TOUCH A PRINCESS LIKE THAT! I OUGHTA...
Rameses: We know, you oughta castrate us right now.
(The five begin bickering as the ground begins to shake... The five are sucked into a large hole and can be hear screaming beneath!)
|Rohan This presentation of "Mythic Knights | LOCHNESS O'MONSTER Of Tir Nir Nire" is brought to you by | Ambrosia Lite. |Deirdre | LISA D'WHAT Rohan: Tastes great! | |Ivar Spork: LESS BLOATING! | JUSTIN SPEAROW | Ambrosia Lite is the official drink |Angus of the Mythic Knights! | VINCENT WHITEWALSHED | Catheter: Rohan loves it! |Rameses | GUY INOMNATE Spork: Me too. **burp** | |Special appearance by | KENNY | |King Concubine | SHELLFISH BRENNAN | |Catheter | STRAWBERRY MOCASSINS | (Fade to a shot of extreme teenagers |Queen Mauve rushing into a house to the tune of very | CHARLOTTE HORNETS loud music. They rush to turn on the TV | BRADLEY and a set-top system. They begin to | headbang while playing Pong, once again, |Spork to very loud music. When one of the | SEMIGERIATRIC O'BRIEN players loses, the other kids begin to | jump on him with pillows and such.) |Mandingo | NED FLEMKIN Announcer: It's where the distraction | is... FALSE KIDS! |Aideer | KELLY CAMPBELL'S SOUP | |Ram-Man of Tendo |and other special EFX |created by Bioboosted |Productions. | |Based upon "Mystic |Knights of Tir Na Nog" |created by Robert |Hughes and produced by |Saban Entertainment. | |Orig. ep.: "Legend of |the Ancient Scroll" |written by Robert |Hughes. | |Protected under the |fair-use parody laws |laid down by the first |amendment. | |©1999 Zerocom Prods. |All Rights Reserved.
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