I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

JUST ONE LINERS

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

* There's no future in time travel.

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* Dyslexics of the world, untie!

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

* Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

* Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

* If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

*The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

* Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

* Familiarity breeds children.

* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

* First things first! But not necessarily in that order.

* Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* Fools rush in--and get all the best seats.

* For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Got a new car for my wife--great trade!

* I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.

* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* On the other hand, you have different fingers.

* Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

* Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

* Honk if you love peace and quiet.

* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

* Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

* A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

* People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

* Trust in God, but lock your car.

* Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.

* Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.

* A friend in need is a pest indeed.

* Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

* Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.

* Murphy was an optimist.

* Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?

* When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.

* Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

* If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

* When all else fails, follow instructions.

* Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.

* Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking

* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

* Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

* No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.

* You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

* There are two times I feel stress--day and night.

* Avoid reality at all costs.

* Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.

* Most people deserve each other.

* Get the facts first, THEN panic!

* Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

* After all is said and done, usually more is said.

* Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead.

* A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

* People who live in glass houses...shouldn't.

* Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

* Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again.

* Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

* After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.

* Relax. Only dread one day at a time.

* Beware the fury of a patient woman.

* Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time.

* For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong.

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