VIRUS ALERT

• Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple.

• terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...

• every three minutes tells you what great service you are getting.

• You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Phase One
• Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
Phase Two:
• Your computer begins refering to itself in the first person

Phase One:
• the computer locks up, screen splits erratically left and right with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Phase Two:
• runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

• Thier is sumthin rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!

• Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

• Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Phase One:
• your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.
Phase Two:
• it becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
Phase Three:
• it begins saying things like: "Welcome, you've got male!.. er...mail I mean"

• 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error). Being superior, 95% of Macs are immune 73% of the time, when they are not freezing up, which happens 17% of the time to 65% of their owners.

• It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

• Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

• Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.

• Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later; in another directory.

• Your program can never be found again.

• claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

• Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

• every three minutes reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

• Probably harmless, but it makes a lot people really mad just thinking about it.

• Just does it.

• Has not harmed anyone's system, but since no one wants to look gullible, "smart" people continue to blame it.

Phase One:
• You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
Stage Two:
• it claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it, though it never does.

• Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Be advised, this virus is transmittable through AM talk radio as well as through computer interface

• your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

Phase One
• Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
Phase Two:
• Frequently posts ads to let you know it is an ad-free program

• This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C://.

• Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

• saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Phase One:
• Claims that a rival virus intends to undermine its execution
Phase Two:
• Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

• Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.

• All files reported as the same size.

Phase One
• Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Phase Two:
• Spins off other virus which, while they are better than the original, no one wants to admit it

• turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

• Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

• Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
  (except the Alaska file nya nya nya!)

• bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Remember When?

REMEMBER WHEN . . .

A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW...
A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN...
AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT...

MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND
AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT
NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS
AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES

AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO

MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT

COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE,
NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE
AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC,
YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE

LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED
AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE

CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU

I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER
AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH
BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY'LL WISH THEY WERE DEAD!

Thanks heather!

Real Tech Call

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Go to: the Roam'n Church Presents: Compu-jokes

Or Go to: the Roam'n Church Presents: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment

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Please note: As it is almost impossible to accurately credit a joke's creator, I do not usually try. Some of the jokes contained here are my creation, others have been collected from the Net and non-virtual reality (remember that? Its called "real life" *smile*). If something in this section is your creation and you want credit for it, please let me know. Thanks.

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