You agree to wait for confirmation from your
discipler before initiating important decisions. This
works out to be getting permission.
Let's start by playing a game. Below are twelve items, six of which you are to pick:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
What you do not know is that I have decided I don't want you to choose items 4, 7, or 10. On the other hand, I do want you to take items 2 and 5. The rest are of no consequence to me. What are the chances you will pick the ones I want you to choose and not choose the ones I don't want you to? Not very good, are they? How could I get you to pick the ones I want without telling you? How could I control you to make my choices your choices but make you think that you decided?
Easy. I could play a manipulative discipleship game. First, before you started the game, I would teach you that, although this may be your first time playing, I have played this game a lot. In fact, I have spent so much time in prayer and study that God now inspires me to know the best choices (This often implies that God inspires me to know the best choices for you too). Then we would begin to play. After two choices, I would tell you that it is God who wants us to agree on each choice. This, I would tell you, is the kind of spiritual unity the Bible teaches. With this in mind, you would proceed with the remaining choices.
Suppose in those six choices, you only stumbled on one of the three items I did not want you to take. This is the only time I had to tell you that I did not agree with you. And, when you were on your last choice and you still had not picked item 5, I shared with you that God revealed to me the superiority of item 5. So you took it last. Five out of six times you got your choice, but you also benefited from my "divinely inspired wisdom" to make a good last selection.
You feel as though you are making up your own mind pretty well. You feel neither coerced nor controlled. In fact, you appreciated the help you got. In the end, however, I got what I wanted without your knowing it; and, of course, I was the one who told you had twelve choices and who directed you to select only six. I set up the rules of the game.
Abusive discipleship is played approximately the same way. Control over people is disguised as agreement with a discipler who, you are told, has your best interests at heart. Unlike the game, the choices are not trivial, but are more likely to be important (e.g., whom to marry, what vocation to pursue, and where to live). Unlike the game, however, abusive discipleship results in unnecessary fear, shame, and guilt—and, most importantly, the rules of abusive discipleship are not Biblical rules.
In his letter to the Colossians, Paul warns of the foolishness of man-made rules: "Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom...but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." The Apostle also admonishes us, "Do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon or a Sabbath day" (Col. 2:8-23).
Leaders in most discipleship groups will admit that their rules are different than those in most churches. The truth is because they feel they are closer to what an authentic Christian experience should be. I have heard many people compare the discipleship groups they were in to monastic orders or even the army. Some disciplers even draw the comparison: "We are God's Green Berets!" But when people are inducted into such orders or join the military, they know what they are getting into and know what the rules will be. Ask yourself: When did you agree to the rules? When did you find out what the rules were?
The rules of abusive discipleship are not evident in the beginning. What is initially obvious is a great display of personal attention, love, and caring. This is what people usually (and understandably) find so attractive about such groups. They will call you even when no one else does, they will invite you out to dinner, they will tell you that they care. They will also tell you that you can grow much faster spiritually by having a discipler who is wiser (than you) in the Lord. They will impress upon you all the wonderful benefits of being a part of such a program. And they will teach you that Jesus did this exact same thing with his disciples. You will be assigned a "buddy" to stand alongside and be your constant friend. It is often true that, with spiritual guidance, we can grow much faster. The problem is that, in some discipleships, spiritual growth accelerates for a short yet seductive period before being restricted by controlling techniques.
As your relationship with the abusive discipler develops, you find out there are rules—actually more rules than you might have expected. By contrast, there won't be hidden rules as you learn in healthy discipleship. From the beginning, the non-abusive discipler will lay out what is expected from you without intentionally withholding certain rules or ideas.
You may be led to believe that any violation of the discipler’s rules can be a sin. This is part of the deceptive and hidden agenda built into the program. You begin to believe that it is actually sinful to not follow the rules once you have accepted the discipler as your buddy.
Once you become involved in a domineering program, you frequently discover it’s considered sinful (or at least backsliding in your spiritual development) to break your commitment and end the relationship.
In a controlling discipleship, there are other ideas that are hidden from you. Aberrant discipleship teaches new meanings for such words as obey, submit, die to self, and brokenness. Their meaning is altered from the true Biblical understanding of these concepts. Abusive disciplers expand the meanings far beyond what the Bible teaches, to imply that, anytime you do not want to accept the advice of a leader, you are likely not broken, obedient, submissive, or dying to self. These non-Biblical definitions are usually concealed until the abusive disciplers feel you are trusted enough to accept their teachings.
BAD DISCIPLESHIPS MAKE IT A SIN NOT TO FOLLOW THEIR RULES!
The Bible offers us these examples of sin:
In abusive discipleships, sin is expanded to mean almost anything that the leaders do not like (e.g., challenging leaders’ actions, not obeying leaders’ advice, disagreeing with leaders, questioning leaders, or openly criticizing leaders).
The most common non-Biblical idea that is planted in members’ minds by abusive groups is that they are rebellious, hardhearted, or prideful when they decide not to follow the group's rules. Breaking a rule is usually taken to mean sinning against God. This is coercion because these dedicated Christians will force themselves to follow agendas they would otherwise refuse to accept.
An important, yet subtle, rule is:
You should wait until both you and your discipler agree before you actually make an important decision.
You are led to believe that you should get this confirmation so you will "know" that whatever you want to do is God's will. Actually, it simply means getting permission from the discipler. Responsible disciplers will not ask this of you (they know from experience that they have advised people wrongly in the past). Occasionally, the wise discipler does not "have peace" about a situation but he realizes that the disciple may be following the Lord's leading by not accepting advice. The abusive discipler presumes to know what's best for you. (Note: To "have peace" is a code phrase used by some groups and churches. It means that a person feels that God wills certain things and, thus, the person feels spiritual peace concerning these things).
THE PROGRAM OF BONDAGE
The hidden agenda of abusive discipleship is that you should not make decisions without both you and your discipler feeling at peace about it. They claim this will ensure that you will make fewer mistakes on your Christian walk. At first this seems to make logical sense: more accountability, fewer mistakes. What you do not realize, however, is that slavery may soon begin to develop. Once you agree to play this discipleship game, your discipler will be a major deciding factor in many of your choices because you come to believe that you are likely to be in sin if you act without the discipler’s confirmation.
How nice of the discipler not to want you to make any mistakes in your new Christian walk. The discipler wants to help you. You probably feel grateful that someone cares about what you do in a world in which people often do not seem to care at all. This discipler may also say that he wants to make sure you find and follow God's perfect will, and that he is advanced enough to be able to help you with your decisions.
As long as all your decisions follow the discipler’s agenda, you will get all the confirmation you could possibly want. You do not feel manipulated because you are making many decisions and are allowed to follow through. You see no control because your decisions either follow the path your discipler wants you to take, or the discipler may have no preference in a particular instance. When you veer off the "path," the controlling discipler may first try to subtly persuade you (and, if that fails, tell you) that you are in sin.
The non-abusive discipler, on the other hand, does not see you as less holy for rejecting advice in matters which do not deal with morals. There is no manipulation to make you feel guilt or sin for refusing to follow this type of advice. The abusive discipler does not expect you to always follow his advice either. But he is much more inclined to judge you as not humble, not broken, or not spiritual if you reject his advice in non-moral, or non-Scriptural matters. (Note: Non-moral matters are those which do not involve an issue of sin or innocence, such as selecting the color to use in painting the walls of your dining room, or whether to buy a two-door or a four-door car).
There are terms a discipler may use to guide the disciple back onto the desired path:
You are free to disagree if a non-controlling discipler uses one of these phrases. When they are used by an abusive discipler, however, these phrases are a kind of discipleship code that really means: "NO, NO, and NO."
The thrust of the program subtly implies—and you, as the disciple, believe—that you are probably in sin if you do not go along with whatever you are advised to do, regardless of whether or not the matter is a question of morals or Biblical mandates.
Did your discipler actually tell you "no"? Of course not. Isn't that sneaky? So sneaky in fact that disciples who are being controlled will nearly always swear they are never told what to do. Rather, they only receive advice. While this is often true, these victims do not realize that, under psychological pressure from their discipler, they may be making many decisions against their own God-given wisdom.
There are times, however, when sneaky is not enough and the controlling discipler needs to use a heavier hand (remember, we are not discussing moral advice). This is called "discipline." A disciple who refuses to yield will be chastened, rebuked, counseled, or will have some other Biblical-sounding word thrown in his face to get cooperation. This frequently involves being told he is not broken, not submissive, not obedient, or not humble. The disciple might be accused of being rebellious, not dying to self, not trusting enough, or being hard hearted. This labeling game usually works remarkably well in abusive discipleships.
The result is that you are compelled not to change jobs, go to school, date, get married, or do other things without first clearing it with your discipler. If he or she does not "feel peace" about it, then you do not really have permission to do it and will probably feel guilty if you go against your discipler's opinion.
I invite you to ask yourself, "Would I have played this game if I had known all the rules?" If you had been told at the outset that to be a disciple meant to obey practically all the advice from your discipler in every area of your life, would you have become involved?
The Bible does assert that we must obey the laws of God in all areas of our life, but jumping from there to the belief that church or group leaders must be obeyed in every area of life is questionable.
"COMMITMENT MANIPULATION" TACTIC
There is good reason why abusive discipleships do not reveal the rules up front—they would not get many recruits!
People are not exactly beating down the doors of monasteries that teach poverty, chastity and obedience. Commitments like that take time to make. But, unlike monastic orders, abusive discipleships use a "commitment manipulation" tactic: getting people involved first and then introducing them to all the rules. Once people are committed and involved in something, they are much more likely to accept such new information.
I remember a college professor telling me that if a person signs an insurance policy but later finds out it says much more in the fine print than he knew about, that person would still agree with it because he had made the commitment. This is similar to an abusive discipleship. The new disciple does not realize the involvement is the beginning of a long-term and intense commitment, nor does he know all that commitment will involve.
People get involved by participating and, over time, feel committed. Then, when they find out more of what is wanted of them, they go along with it because they have already made a substantial emotional commitment. In some cases, they have also made a financial investment. They have signed on the bottom line and the discipleship will fill in the blanks as they go along.
There is a tendency to justify, and cling to, whatever you are already involved in. So you must take time to look at all the information in this book before you push it aside. If you are currently participating in a group, I know it will be difficult for you to look at this information objectively. If a group can get you involved first, form your friendships, and gain your trust, then begin to lay one rule after another on you, you will more than likely accept them without argument.
I have faced controlling disciplers and asked them: "Why don't you tell your people up front what your discipleship is all about?" Sometimes they answer that the Lord doesn't lead them that way or that the people are still babes as Christians and would not be able to handle it. This is discipleship code. What it really means is that few would join if they knew beforehand all that will be expected of them. These disciplers are not hiding "deeper truths"—they are hiding manipulation.
Many legitimate organizations provide membership cards that list the regulations of the organization. I do not know of any abusive discipleship groups that have membership cards; but if they did, they might read something like this:
DISCIPLESHIP MEMBERSHIP CARD
As a member I agree to:
You should wonder why a group would want to conceal the way it really operates from newcomers or those on the outside. Jesus certainly did not operate this way. Furthermore, Jesus made it clear he did not teach something different to his inner circle than what he taught outsiders (John 18:20). The insiders even look at each other as more committed than people not fully in the program of discipleship. In this book, you will find out more about why some discipleship groups follow a different practice toward their followers than did Jesus.
In a recent bulletin of a church that had discipleship, there was a special notation that the discipleship class was by invitation only! No other activity at this church had this requirement. I had to wonder what secret Bible knowledge has to be by invitation only. My guess is that they were teaching some ideas that were controversial to the average person. They were going to make sure that the only people they would teach would be those they thought could swallow this stuff behind closed doors. Their excuse is that some people are not ready for their lessons yet, and only the discipleship leaders can tell when they are ready.
CHECKLIST
The Discipleship Game—Chapter 1
Check those that apply to your group:
Copyright 1997 Mary Alice Chrnalogar Last revised: Oct 31/97NOTE: If you have checked any boxes, it indicates a misunderstanding of Scripture and may represent the presence of abuse and excessive control.
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