January 5, 1998



We are all actors. We play our part in the hopes that no one will remember that they are not the only ones acting. We feign ignorance in the hopes that others forget that they are not the only pretending. Remember though, my children, there is much evil in the world and you are not always the cause of it. There are many lies, and you are not always the ones to tell them. You are an actor, yes , but we are all actors. Smile on cue, darling. Laugh just... now. Now scream. Yes, passion is always believed. Close your eyes now, I will always protect you, until I leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere. Tilt your head a bit, and frown just a tiny... there, just so. Yes, I will leave you, and when I do, I'll tear your heart out with the knife you gave me and take it with me, before selling it for some cheap bauble. Don't worry though, you'll grow a new one. This is life.

Sometime between dawn and dusk, indifference settles in. Someone today called me indifferent. It then occurred to me that, wow, I am!! Strange it took someone else to point it out to me. I always thought of it as the fact that no one holds anything sacred anymore, but it runs deeper than that. It runs through me. And it's not just everyone. It's me. Sigh. Can you tell your self to feel? So I hum a song to myself and not really care about it. ::laughs:: I'm a bit sore, from my ankle to my thigh to my arm, and so I grin in an evil manner as I am apt to do. I feel like going insane. Call me... Ophelia... I think it would make my life a lot easier to deal with, but there are a lot of types of insanity. Which one should I pick? Oh god, my life would be so much more pleasant if I were mad. Hmm, I think I've just decided what love means to me. I will love anyone who can make me feel something positive, and I suppose that's why I love you, because you have brought me to feel love towards you, which is quite positive. Is that a paradox? Or a positive example of Catch-22 perhaps... never thought one exsisted.