THE REST –    January 15
  

 

Today's Quotations — SLEEP

 

 

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The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

— Anatole France

 

 


I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep.

— Steven Wright

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To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.

— Joan Klempner

 

 

I 'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

— Joel Rosenberg

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As a well spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.

–   Leonardo da Vinci

 

 

word puzzleToday's Word – FECKLESS

 

feck·less adjective. 1. Lacking purpose or vitality; feeble or ineffective. 2. Careless and irresponsible.

They were alike in good dispositions, feckless morals, and personal appearance. They were the models of the Sunday-school. At fifteen George had the opportunity to go as cabin-boy..

What is Man? and Other Essays of Mark Twain.
By Twain, Mark (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) 

Definitions from American Heritage Dictionary

 

Today's Fact

 

  
 

The cost of beauty
  part 1
Beauty is only skin deep, but everyone wants more skin.  What price has been paid throughout the centuries for beauty?

food

Beauty may only be skin deep, but what we do to ourselves to achieve this has often been dangerous. The problems in the 1990's with silicon breast implants is well known. Being beautiful at any price is not exclusive to the NOW culture. In the early years of the 20th century injections of paraffin were used to smooth out wrinkles in the face. By the 1920's we discovered the error in this treatment. The injections worked for a time. After a period of time the paraffin perfused the face and caused ugly disfigurement. The treatment involved large scale excision of the paraffin infested areas.

Dangerous beauty treatments are not exclusive to the 20th century,. The Greeks and Romans used a depilatory called orpiment to remove body hair. The problem with this treatment was that orpiment contained a high quantity of arsenic. The cheeks were reddened with rouge. This rouge contained cinnabar. Cinnabar is a poisonous salt of mercury. This rouge was easily absorbed into the blood stream. It was more easily absorbed when painted on the lips, as it was often used. Continued use of the product brought arsenic poisoning to the user and to any unborn child of the user. It was also not too beneficial to the kisser of the user.

Facial wrinkles have been a lasting problem of beauty. The Duchess of Newcastle used oil of vitrol to scrub her face. Oil of Vitrol is a substance that is more corrosive than battery acid. Lady Montague used muriatic acid in a '60 per cent solution' to carve away the years from her face. This acid is used to clean stain and paint from bricks and masonry.

Sources: The Mammoth Book of Oddities - Frank O'Neil

 

 

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Today's SMILE

 

 

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

  
   

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A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves.  A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process.  After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.

"You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do."

"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

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A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee!  She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.  When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in her cup.
       
Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"  Her grandson answered "Grandma, it says on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.""

 

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.    After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for the hole."

 

Two poodles were chatting.

"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."

The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"

To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"

A man needs a heart transplant and is put on the top of the priority list. Days are passing by, but there is still no available compatible heart. As death becomes imminent, his doctor presents him with a possible life-saving alternative.

"Jim, we want to help you, but we cannot find a compatible human heart. However, we are testing animal hearts in humans and can offer you a sheep heart. Are you willing?"

The man agrees after weighing the options, and the surgeon transplants the sheep heart into him. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.  As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.    The little five year old girl was taken by this,  observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked:   "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

 

THE HARMONICA

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the
holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

 

TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions

09. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

08. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

07. Fat clothes

06. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

05. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

04. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

03. Eyelash curlers

02. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

    AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
01. OTHER WOMEN.

TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University

 

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There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.

 


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Have A Great Day

Phillip Bower

 

 


Soul Food January 16



Today in History January 15

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Copyright Information: Phillip Bower is not the author of the humor, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to the jokes. Sources of jokes are listed when known. Birthday's and Happenings for the date, and quotations are public knowledge and collected from numerous sources. Quotations are public knowledge and sources are listed when known. Weekendspirations are written by Tim Knappenberger who has copyright privileges. Cathy Vinson authors Whispers from the Wilderness and owns copyright privileges. Weekendspirations and Whispers from the Wilderness are used with permission by the respective authors. Other devotions are written by Phillip Bower unless otherwise stated. In all cases credit is given when known. The Daily Miscellany is nonprofit. Submissions by readers is welcome.