Stuff

The speed of rotation of the Earth's surface increases steadily from zero at the poles to slightly more than 1,000 miles an hour at the equator.

Source: "Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts"

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens in a given year.

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

Joseph Addison

The Must Read Book List

            Without Warning by Oliver Sudden
            And the Other People by Allan Sundry
            Riel Ambush! by May T. Surprise
            You're So Sweet by Mable Syrup
            Prevent Drowning by Buddy System
            Mineralogy for Giants by Chris Tall
            Why Cars Stop by M.T. Tank
            When's The Revolution? by Millie Tant
            Tight Situation by Leah Tard
            Tyrant of the Potatoes by Dick Tater
            How to Buy Old Furniture by Ann Teak
            Solving Crimes by D. Tective
            I Wuz Framed! by Gil Tee
            Trial Law by Tess Temoni
            Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax
            What's Your Invention? by Pat Tent
            All Alone by Saul E. Terry
            I Hit the Wall by Isadore There

From Zondervan

---

You Know You've Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When ...

          ~ You don't sweat, you percolate.
          ~ Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
          ~ When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
          ~ You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
          ~ Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
          ~ Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
          ~ You ski uphill.
          ~ You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
          ~ You speed-walk in your sleep.
          ~ You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
          ~ You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
          ~ You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
          ~ You sleep with your eyes open.
          ~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
          ~ The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
          ~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
          ~ You lick your coffeepot clean.
          ~ You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
          ~ Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
          ~ You chew on other people's fingernails.
          ~ The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
          ~ You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
          ~ You can jump-start your car without cables.
          ~ All your kids are named "Joe."
          ~ You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
          ~ Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
          ~ You buy milk by the barrel.
          ~ You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
          ~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
          ~ You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
          ~ Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
          ~ You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
          ~ People get dizzy just watching you.
          ~ You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
          ~ The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
          ~ Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
          ~ Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
          ~ You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
          ~ People can test their batteries in your ears.
          ~ Instant coffee takes too long.
          ~ You channel surf faster without a remote.
          ~ You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
          ~ You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
          ~ You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
          ~ Your Thermos is on wheels.
          ~ Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
          ~ You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
          ~ You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
          ~ You short out motion detectors.
          ~ You have a conniption over spilled milk.
          ~ You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
          ~ Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
          ~ You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
          ~ You don't tan, you roast.
          ~ You don't get mad, you get steamed.
          ~ You can't even remember your second cup.
          ~ You help your dog chase its tail.
          ~ You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
          ~ You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
          ~ You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
          ~ Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Zondervan

---

The Silent Monk

There was a man, approaching middle age, whose life was comfortable, but he felt an emptiness inside, a longing. So he decide to join a monastery.

The head monk told him that the road ahead was difficult, he would have to give up all earthly possessions, pray constantly, and he would have to be totally silent. In fact, he could not speak at all, to anyone. He was allowed only to say two words every five years.

So the man joins and becomes a monk, and he is silent. Five years goes by, and the Pope comes to visit. The man is summoned before the pope, and he is asked "so, how is everything?" The man answers "bed hard". The Pope replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we didn't know. We'll take care of that right away. You should be comfortable in bed." And the bed is fixed.

Another five years goes by, the man is silent, and again, the Pope comes to visit. He again asks "How are you, my son, is all OK?" The man replies to the Pope "Food cold", to which the Pope replies, "Oh, my, that is no good, we will take care of that problem right away. No more cold food."

Again, five more years goes by, the man is the ideal monk, he prays, he is silent. This time, the Pope can't visit, so he the man is called before his superior, who asks "How are you, are you OK? To which the man replies "I quit".

So his superior says, in surprise, "Well, of course you quit, you've been here for fifteen years and all you've done is complain!"

Sheryl Renshaw

Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to be alone!

---

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Hair comb.
Hair comb who?
Hair comb the bride!

---

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Creature.
Creature who?
Creature old friend with a hug!

---

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectatorsgathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd - "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at leasteighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not apriest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm livingbehind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, andevery night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can beof some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over towhere the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over theinjured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

---

---

---

TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University

Daily Miscellany Comics

Phillip Bower