Barbecue Hints and Tips.
SUMMER'S nearly here and it's time for that annual minefield of social dilemmas – the British Barbecue season. The following could apply to anywhere, I guess, so read on.
    To help you avoid the pitfalls, here is a great guide to barbie etiquette, mainly for the Ladies.
 
DO stock up on plenty of paper napkins. When the pitta bread runs out you can use these instead and no-one will notice.
DO NOT cook bangers in the nude, however hot it might be. Apart from being impolite, it's also very dangerous (especially if you're a fella).
DO make sure everyone's wine glass is regularly topped up. If they're sozzled enough they won't care what they're eating and all that booze-breath might actually get the fire going.
DO NOT go near the grill in a thick, heavy jacket. Unless you are a baked potato.
DO give your guests something to take home with them. Salmonella is always a popular choice.
DO NOT mention BSE at a BBQ. Ever.
DO select your location with care. The best place for a barbeque is near (a) a fire hydrant and (b) a McDonald's.
DO NOT bother trying to "drizzle" anything over your mediterranean style rocket-and-pak-choi salad. The rain will do this for you.
DO use the barbecue to get to know your neighbours. This will lessen the chance of them suing you for burning down their garden shed.
DO NOT barbecue next door's rabbit, however fed up you are with it digging up your begonias. If you do, at least make sure your next door neighbour gets a nice leg portion and plenty of BBQ sauce.
 		DO try to be decorous when eating corn on the cob. The polite way is to hold both ends and nibble round the edges like a squirrel. If you have never eaten a squirrel, stick to something simpler, like a hot dog.
DO NOT wear silicon bust-enhancers inside your bra in an attempt to look sexy. They might slither out onto the grill and get served up as chicken burgers.
DO behave like a well brought-up young lady. If you absolutely must break wind, show courtesy for your hosts and do it in the direction of the barbecue so the extra methane gas helps fuel the flames.
DO NOT leave your food shopping until the last minute. Only Jesus can feed 5,000 people with five loaves and a few fishes. And Jesus never had to drive round 56 all-night petrol stations trying to find a bag of charcoal briquettes.
DO invite the local fire brigade. If the barbecue is a disaster then at least all those nice men in uniform will provide a diversion. Or as a last resort douse the neighbours garden shed.
DO NOT invite any farmers. After all that foot-and-mouth business they will be heartily sick of the sight of burning cows.
DO offer to order a taxi for your guests. A particularly courteous host/hostess will also order them an ambulance and/or a Chinese takeaway.

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