• "His album was called 'Bad' because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for 'Pathetic'."
  The Artist Formerly Known As Prince having a go at Michael Jackson.
• "Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to be a rich white woman"
  US comedienne Molly Ivens.
• "She's rough. I can't understand why they are dating. She looks like a man. It must be a stunt. I just can't believe it's true."
  Westlife hunk Kian Egan on Spice Girl Mel C when he heard she was dating J from Five."
• "Robbie Williams? You mean that fat dancer from Take That?
  Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher has a pop at his chart rival.
• "To Noel Gallagher, RIP. Heard your latest album - with deepest sympathy, Robbie Williams."
  Robbie responds by sending a wreath to Noel.
• "Their lyrics are unrecognisable as the Queen's English"
  Former Prime Minister Edward Heath on The Beatles.
• "Quite frankly, I've never understood what Mick Jagger saw in that bucktoothed Texas nag. There are a thousand home-grown Texas drag queens who could do Jerry Hall better than she does herself."
  American feminist Camille Paglia on Jerry Hall.
• "Anthea, how about we get together while I kick you in the mouth."
  Millionaire DJ Chris Evans on TV presenter Anthea Turner.
• "His writing is limited to songs for dead blondes."
  Rolling Stone Keith Richards on Sir Elton John.
• "It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they'd thrown Keith out 15 years ago.
  Sir Elton sticks his platform boot in by way of reply.
• "If I found her floatng in my pool, I'd punish my dog."
  Comic Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono.

ROYALTY

• "A very pleasant middle to upper-class type lady with a talkative retired Navy husband."
  Malcolm Muggeridge on the Queen.
• "Such an active lass. So out-doorsy. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her."
  Bette Midler on Princess Anne.
• "She is a lady short on looks, absolutely deprived of any sense, has a figure like a Jurasssic monster, very greedy when it comes to loot, no tact and wants to upstage everyone else."
  The late Sir Nicholas Fairbairn on Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.
• "As thick as two short planks."
  Princess Diana on herself.
• "I'm prepared to take advice on leisure from Prince Philip. He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practising for most of his adult life."
  Neil Kinnock on the Duke of Edinburgh.
• "The Billy Carter of the British Monarchy."
  Writer Robert Lacey on Princess Margaret.

ENTERTAINERS and ACTORS

• "She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."
  Joan Rivers on Madonna.
• "Well, at least he has found his true love - what a pity he can't marry himself."
  Frank Sinatra on Robert Redford.
• "Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts."
  Aussie TV presenter Clive James on the Terminator star.
• "She has a face to launch a thousand dredgers."
  Film critic Jack De Manio on Glenda Jackson.
• "She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them."
  Sir John Guilgud describes Casablanca star Ingrid Bergman.
• "She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight pot-belly."
  Richard Burton on Elizabeth Taylor.
• "She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater."
  Critic Louella Parsons on Joan Collins.
• "Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying butresses."
  Critic John Simon on Diana Rigg nude on stage.
• "What makes him think a middle-aged actor who's played with a chimp could have a future in politics."
  Ronald Reagan on Clint Eastwood.

SPORTING HEROES

• "The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet."
  Irish golfer David Feherty on fellow professional Nick Faldo.
• "He has a face like a warthog that's been stung by a wasp."
  Faherty again, this time about Colin Montgomerie.
• "To call Kegan a superstar is stretching a point. He's been very, very lucky an average player who came into the game when it was short of personalities. He's not fit to lace my boots as a player."
  George Best on Kevin Keegan.
• "He couldn't bowl a hoop downhill."
  Cricketer Fred Trueman on Ian Botham.
• "A lot of people are using two-piece cues nowadays. Alex Higgins hasn't got one because they don't come with instructions."
  Snooker star Steve Davis on the Hurricane.
• "Like a Volvo, Bjorn Borg is rugged, has good after sales service, and is very dull."
  Aussie Clive James on tennis legend Bjorn Borg.
• "Trevor Brooking floats like a butterfly and stings like one too."
  Soccer boss Brian Clough.

POLITICS

• "The most expensive haicut I ever had cost a tenner. And £9 went on the search fee."
  William Hague after Cherie Blair spent £2,000 on hair care.
• "The Foreign Office is being run like a Dad's Army outfit by a Foreign Secretary who combines the pompousness of Captain Mainwaring and the incompetence of Private Pike and the calm of Corporal Jones."
  Willian Hague attacking Robin Cook.

• MARGARET THATCHER SPECIAL:
  • "She is a half-mad old bag lady. The Finchley Whinger."
    (Former Sports Minister Tony Banks).
  • "She's been voice-trained to speak to me as though my dog just died."
    (Keith Waterhouse).
  • "The best man in England."
    (Ronald Reagan).
  • "She's democratic enough to talk down to anyone."
    (Austin Mitchell).
  • "Attila the Hen."
    (Sir Clement Freud).
  • "She sounded like the Book of Revelations read out over a railway public address system."
    (Clive James).
  • "She'll probably replace Guy Fawkes as an effigy."
    (Ken Livingstone).
  • "She has the mouth of Marilyn Monroe and the eyes of Caligula."
    (Francios Mitterrand).
  • "If I were married to her, I'd be sure to have dinner ready when she got home."
    (US polititian, George Schultz).
  • "She adds the diplomacy of Alf Garnett to the economics of Arthur Daley."
    (Denis Healey).
  • "She probably thinks that Sinai is the plural of sinus."
    (Jonathan Aitken).

  Back to Other Politicians:
  

• "And now, to make matters worse, they (the Tories) have elected a foetus as party leader."
  Tony Banks on William Hague.
• "At one moment Portillo was polishing his jackboots and planning the advance. Next thing he shows up as a TV presenter. It is rather like Pol Pot joining the Teletubbies."
  Tony Banks on Michael Portillo.
• "Does the Honorable Lady remember that she was an egg herself once: and very many members of all sides of this House regret that it was ever fertiliesd."
  Sir Nicholas Fairbairn attacking junior Health Minister Edwina Currie over the salmonella crisis.
• "He appears to have no clear political view except that the world should be a nicer place and that he should be loved and trusted by everyone and questioned by no-one.
  Norman Tebbit on Tony Blair.

AMERICAN POLITICS

• "Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs mean dating a girl from out of town."
  Thriller writer Tom Clancy.
• "He doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange."
  Former US President Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan.
• "I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice.
  Comedian Steve Martin.