- Don't sleep with a guy just because he looks like he stepped out of a Calvin Klein ad. On the other hand, if it's been a while.....
- The need to wear reading glasses should not be perceived as an early indicator of Alzheimer's Disease.
- If you wear your hair in the same way you did when Saturday Night Fever came out, make a hairdresser's appointment - today.
- Once you've passed 40, no-one should be able to tell you how to act. Get your tongue pierced, move to Brazil or just sleep all day if that's what you feel like doing.
- Don't murder your husband, nor your kids. You're the first person they'll suspect.
- Avoid cosmetic surgery as a hobby. It may start with a couple of collagen injections, but three years and 39 operations later you'll look like a melting wax statue of LaToya Jackson.
- Never act your age. Whatever that means.
- Don't believe expensive creams can halt the ageing process. There isn't a product on the market which will make a dent on the effects of drinking eight gin and tonics and a bottle of wine before going to bed at 2am.
- If you want to stay faithful to your partner, and vice versa, find ways to keep your sex life interesting. Try a trip to a bondage gift shop.
- Don't date royalty.
- Detox your liver every few months. What it could bear when you were 20 is now a little more of a strain.
- Don't even think of taking up line-dancing. It's one unco-ordinated step from the bingo hall, rummage sales and oblivion.
- If you've always hated your job, try something different. How many chances for a career change do you think you have left.
- If your partner leaves you, especially for another woman, get mad, then even.
- And remember that success is the best revenge. Pace yourself. You've come a long way and even marathon runners have to know when to hold back and when to kick.
- Don't sleep with your daughters boyfriend - as a rule.
- Try wearing less make-up. Unless you want to look like a jobless drag queen.
- Aim for early retirement. Oh, 38 or 39 sounds about right.
- Don;t start dressing like your maiden aunt just because you've hit 40. Keep developing your own style. Preferably without the aid of full-skirted floral print dresses.
- Go to a rock concert. And not one featuring a band that's on it's third reunion tour.
- Avoid the home-baking section of the supermarket at all costs. And throw out any books that suggest you can produce jars of marmalade in your own kitychen.
- If you've always threatened to get a tattoo, now's the time.
- Look after your photographs. They're great triggers for the thousands of memories you should wallow in every now and then.
- Insist "Saga" means story while all around you are convinced it has something to do with holidays and insurance.
- Remember that prettiness belongs to the young but with true beauty, age is irrelevant.
- Teach a younger woman to cook. Among working females this arcane ability is becoming as rare as alchemy.
- If you now decorate with the passion you once reserved for love, sex and poetry, you are officially old.
- Forty is the freedom to go home when you feel like it. Even if it's only 10pm.
- If you haven't joined the Mile High Club by now, don't bother. It's more fun and a darn sight more comfortable in the hotel bed once you get there.
- But if you're not going to see him after you land, well........
- If you've never been to Paris, see your travel agent - Now!
- If anyone gives you a shopping bag on wheels, don't hesitate to tell them what to do with it. Make it sound really painful.
- When in doubt, phone your mother. She still knows things you haven't worked out yet, even though you think you're all grown up.
- Don't keep chocolate in the house, except at Christmas, Easter, New Year, Hallowe'en, birthdays, Grand National Day, May Day and most weekends. And Wednesdays.
- Drink champagne.
- Every once in a while, give in to the urge to be appalling and tasteless. But not more than twice a day.
- Don't cringe at the thought of being called 'Grandma'. These days, grandmothers can be very hot stuff.
- You think there's no such thing as middle-aged and sexy? Tell that to Helen Mirren, Rachel Ward, Sharon Stone, Frabcesca Annis, Lauren Hutton, Jessica Lange.........
- Dont date a man whose previous wives vanished on their honeymoon.
- If the romance with your partner fizzles more than sizzles, you might consider ditching the limp terry-towelling dressing gown, the dog-chewed slippers, and the stained T-shirt you've been wearing to bed for the last four years.
- And when it comes to holidays, do not go to Frinton-on-Sea in Essex or over-winter in Benidorm. It's white-knuckle riding and white-water rafting for anyone ageing disgracefully!
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