PERFECT DAYS
 
Suppose you could read the minds of the opposite sex - to know their every thought whenever you wanted. It would sure give you a leg-up (UP, not OVER! Your one track minds, I dunno.) in the battle of the sexes.
  To discover the secret desires of you partner, person you love, whichever you prefer, read on: -
 
HERS 		 
HIS
 
08.15  Wake up to hugs and kisses from Brad Pitt lookalike husband or boyfriend.
08.30  Weigh in 4lbs lighter (and one dress size smaller) than yesterday.
08.45  Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants brought in by "Brad". Open presents (expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner).
09.15  Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil and scents of forbidden fruits.
10.00  Half-hour gossip on the phone to best mate, who is slightly less pretty and shorter than you.
10.30  Facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry.
12.00  Cleaner arrives (Ricky Martin lookalike in shorts) - leave for lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45  Spot husband's/boyfreind's ex and notice she has gained at least 10lb and is quite obviously squeezing into a bra at least two sizes too small.
13.00  Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit. Stranger stops you in the street, asking whether you have modelled before.
15.00  Home. Read fashion magazines in which the models are at least a dress size bigger than you and probably five years older. Nap.
16.00  Three dozen red roses delivered by the florist from a secret admirer.
16.15  Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he has not had the privilege of working on such a perfect body since Jamie Lee Curtis popped in ten years ago.
17.30  Home again. Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe. Parade unselfconsciously in front of a full-length morror.
19.30  Candlelit restaurant dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments from other diners. Model agency scout takes you phone number.
22.00  Home. Hot shower (alone).
22.50  Carried to bed by hunky partner. Freshly-ironed, crisp, new white linen.
23.00  Pillow talk, soft touching, cuddling and conversation about interior decor. He says he is only just able to master the overpowering impulse to make love to you.
23.15  Doze off in his big, strong arms. Sleep deeply, contentedly, motionless. 		 
06.00  Wake up. Sex.
06.03  Both nurses leave. Spend half an hour reading paper in toilet.
07.00  Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by busty, naked au pair.
07.30  Limo arrives. Four whiskies. Snooze.
09.15  Flight in personal Lear jet.
09.30  Limo to St Andrews golf club (sex in limo with random blonde).
09.45  Play front nine (2 under)
11.45  Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and bottle of Dom Perignon watching cricket on cinema-sized TV. England have Australia 29 for 8.
12.15  Post-lunch sex with insatiable brunette.
12.30  Play back nine (4 under).
14.15  Limo to airport (more whiskies).
14.30  Fly to Cannes Film Festival.
15.30  Late afternoon beer-drinking competition with four naked Hollywood starlets.
16.30  Spotted by talent scout who offers you role in the new Scorsese movie.
17.00  Fly home. Sensuous massage by supermodel. Sex. She leaves.
18.45  Shower and Shave
19.00  Watch news. Brad Pitt makes shock gay confession; Government to subsidise porn.
19.45  Out in Farrari to dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by scoops of ice-cream shaped like breasts.
21.00  Rock concert. Guitarist sick - singer invites you on stage as replacement. You are a sensation.
22.00  Home again. Napoleon Brandy and Cuban cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing Match of the Day. England 11, Germany 0.
22.45  Camcorder sex with three mystery women (all slightly lesbian). They ask for seconds. You oblige.
23.30  Massage and jacuzzi with pizza and beer.
00.15  Nightcap sex.
00.20  Woman leaves.
00.30  Sleep alone. Snore contentedly at window-shattering volume.

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