Memo from Microsoft:

It has come to our attention that copies of the Arkansas edition of Windows 98 have been peddled outside of Arkansas by software pirates. The Software Protection Association is actively prosecuting the perpetrators. However, many innocent victims have purchased out-of-state editions from the pirates and suffered costly results, and most victims who attempt to turn in pirates wind up intimidated, bought off, or committing Arkansas suicide.

The Arkansas edition is easily recognized by looking for certain distinguishing characteristics.

1. Upon boot-up, the opening screen reads WINDERS 98 and has a fullscreen picture of cousin Daisy, posed in front of the General Lee, tastefully draped in a Confederate flag.

2. The shut-down-wait screen repeats the boot-up screen, except that the Confederate flag is lowered to half-mast.

3. In the final shut-down screen, you can see ALL of General Lee!

4. The default desktop background is a display of dollar bills. This is the only edition to feature as additional background choices, "Bras and Panties," "Yuen," and "Golden Arches."

5. The default color scheme is "Golden Arches." Also uniquely available as color schemes are "Domino's," "Hammer and Sickle," and "Boudoir."

6. The default screen saver is the famous "flying hamburgers."

7. The "Recycle Bin" icon is an image of a trash can which is labeled, "Evidence Locker." To empty the Evidence Locker, the user can click and drag files from the Evidence Locker window to a common type of Arkansas law office equipment labeled, "The Shredder."

8. The "My Computer" icons in the standard (desktop) and CE version (for laptops) depict secretaries taking dictation on their boss's desk top and lap top, respectively.

9. Network Neighborhood is labelled, "Party Line."

10. Other computers in the "Network Neighborhood" are called "cousins." Cousins with whom data are exchanged can be found under the desktop.

11. The Explorer icon in other editions shows a magnifying glass over a file folder, whereas in the Arkansas edition, it shows a magnifying glass over a Playboy magazine.

12. "Favorites" in Internet Explorer has been replaced with "Little Black Book." Frequently accessed favorites have an icon showing five stars, whereas least-accessed favorites have an icon showing only one star.

13. Also in Internet Explorer, when responding to online polls, Explorer automatically votes early and votes often.

14. Hard and floppy drives are represented by icons and referred to with terms which are not acceptable in an open letter to gentlepersons in other states. However, if the Arkansas edition is exposed to you, you will quickly identify this distinguishing characteristic.

15. Instead of error messages, the Arkansas edition affirms the user's self-esteem by displaying a smiley face with the message, "Nice try! You're learning!"

16. The default sounds for various functions vary from other states' editions:
    • Cancel - [sound of a handgun]
    • OK - [selectable male or femal voice:] "Your place or mine?"
    • Open Program - [sound of cash register opening]
    • Close Program - [not applicable]
    • Back (in Internet Explorer) - [sound of lever-action rifle being cocked]
    • Stop (in Internet Explorer) - [sound of a slap]

17. The reason the Close Program sound is "not applicable" is that, once a program starts, it will never end. Likewise, once a program is installed, it can never be uninstalled.

18. In the Arkansas edition, the "minimizing view" function has been replaced by the "spin view" funtion.

19. People who have upgraded to Winders 98 (Arkansas edition) will find it impossible, without an act of congress, to get rid of that operating system until Windows 2001 is released in January of that year.

20. Finally, a warning about security. First, the Arkansas edition has been known to allow software agents to download sensitive information from users' computers. This weakness has been exploited by the red Chinese government. Second, users in Utah have reported that these agents have caused the operating system to idle valuable system resources; and users in Long Beach, CA, have had resources turned over to external, Chinese users. Third, computers having the Arkansas edition are subject to virus infections, since the Arkansas edition has been with so many computers.

We encourage anyone who has purchased a pirated version to report the seller to the Special Counsel. As an inducement, anyone turning in pirates will be allowed to download a free copy of Internet Explorer from the Microsoft web site.