DATELINE:

So... how does 1 + 1 + 4 = 7 ?

Here are the Top Ten uses for the Seventh Seat, suggested at the Willie Wipes Web Site:

The article left a number of questions unanswered:

• It is illegal in the US to release helium balloons into the air because of fears that the deflated balloons will be eaten by wildlife. This law originated when several dead sea turtles were found to have choked to death on deflated helium balloons. If they start finding dead sea turtles who choked to death on discarded condoms, will they start promoting abstinence instead of 'safer sex'? Will Bill Clinton hire former Stooge-in-General Joycelyn Elders to respond to Bob Dole's "Just don't do it" with Clinton's own new slogan, "Just do it yourself"? Will Mr. Clinton be asking Congress for money to teach the Pacific nations techniques of safe sewage?

• Will Planned Parenthood now demonstrate how to fit condoms onto sea cucumbers?

• Have they found any fishermen's rods out there?

• Are there any schools of tuna nearby? And are the reefs populated by crabs?

• If the currents ever carry the reef past Midway, will it find its way into 'the slot'?

I will not vouch for the reliability of this report. I suspect it is somewhat inflated. You know how gullible reporters are when it comes to science -- they'll swallow anything.

"Would you allow a person with pending federal charges to baby-sit your children? It's a joke. Isn't it incredible that we have someone like that who may be re-elected as your president?" --Ross Perot (11/4/96)

Isn't it incredible that we have someone like that who will, on one hand, criticize Clinton so harshly, and on the other hand, split the anti-Clinton vote so that Clinton gets re-elected? Had he believed what he said, he would have stayed in as long as possible to maintain his soapbox, then sent his voters to Dole. But Ross Perot is all ears and no backbone.

No, I don't really believe that, but it sure sounds good. Perot probably prefers an impeachment-laden Clinton to a Republican president. Then in 2000, he expects, the Democrats will make a pilgramage to his mountain in search of a leader to show them the way back to ethics and self-righteous meddling.

According to Lee Rogers of KSFO, George Steponallofus has stated that after the election, he plans to "grow up". Work in the Clinton White House is starting to wear on him, he says.

(Isn't it strange -- but expected -- that a Clinton employee would consider working at the White House to be a job for a youth, whereas work elsewhere would be more mature? It doesn't say much for the Clinton Administration's attitude toward the highest office in the land, does it?)

According to Rogers, Steponallofus has already held a consultation with Michael Jackson's cosmetic surgeon about bleaching the brown spont on his nose.

I think it is so disarmingly honest that they would choose a big yellow chicken to represent Bill Clinton at Bush rallies. I can certainly see how the kind of person who would coordinate dirty tricks would be qualified to be the number one security bureaucrat for the executive branch, can't you?

Why would Hillary Rodham Clinton, the de facto White House Chief of Staff and co-president in charge of domestic affairs (in more ways than one!), hire such a gaggle of unqualified and corrupt staffers as Livingstone and his assistant, Anthony Marceca?

The foremost goal on Hillary's mind was to hire people who could be easily controlled, people who were loyal, predictable, and vulnerable to leverage. People with socialist, special interest-driven ideologies could be trusted to apply themselves to transforming the government and society into forms expedient to the Clintons' ultimate goals. Likewise, people indebted in one way or another could be counted on to cooperate in the work.

There were, however, less obvious pools of candidates. One consisted of people who were already insiders to the game -- partners in the web of corruption, having similar motives of greed, lust, and thirst for power. Another consisted of those who might have had not quite the same goals, but who had checkered personal histories rendering them vulnerable to being manipulated against their wills. One more pool was those who were sufficiently incompetent that they could easily be told what to do.

Livingstone and company and the handful of former members of the Clinton administration who have resigned under fire have exemplified all of these traits.

That is the small picture. Here is the big perspective. I believe -- oh, how I hope that I am mistaken! -- that the Clintons' ultimate goals do not add up to socialism and a New Age society. No, those are only the tools and the setting for their ultimate motives which I already named: greed, lust, and thirst for power. As they say, follow the money. What sectors of the economy have profited from Clinton administration policies? The greatest gains I know of have been in the illegal drug trade. Marijuana use has doubled in less than three years! Yet, despite the fact that the number of wiretaps has skyrocketed due to increased drug traffic, despite the increased number of opportunities to make such arrests, and in contrast to Clinton's FDA trying to require prescriptions for the purchase of common vitamins, drug-related arrests are down! Drug enforcement personnel are fewer (e.g., Clinton cut the staff of the federal agency charged with coordinating the exchange of information between different drug enforcement agencies by 85%!). Even the House of Representatives' most imbecilic jester, Major Owens (this is the clown who said that sharks still follow the oceanic routes of the slave traders', looking for the carcasses of deceased slaves jettisoned en route to the Americas), has admitted that the Clinton's war on drugs is non-existent.

Understand that those at the top of the drug cartels are not necessarily drug dealers. Those at the top are businessmen and politicians. For them, the points of the game are measured in terms of profit, power, and votes. The channels to profits may be drugs, arms sales, money laundering, or legitimate corporate activity. Which is irrelevant to them. The channels to power may be force, or they may be the escalation of crime and economic insecurity which prompts people to surrender their rights and their freedom. The channels to votes may be simply 'doing a good job,' effective PR (even while re-defining incompetence), building constituencies (e.g., by enabling welfare dependency and encouraging immigration), or by dispensing taxpayer-funded handouts.

For the nation, our future, my daughter's life, to be in the hands of such people is a frightening thing. This is the kind of thing that happens in a novel, not the kind of thing that happens in my country!

Excellence, joy, human achievement, and heavenly rewards are mere words to those at the top. So it comes to pass that the likes of Livingstone would be an ideal candidate for employment in the Rodham-Clinton White House. He was already in the game, having worked in the dirty tricks departments of a number of Democratic campaigns. He was unqualified for the job, having no background in office management or national security, and was thus easily told what to do (although he may have gained some ability in evaluating personnel and physical security through his experience in dirty tricks). His tainted history, on the other hand, rendered him vulnerable to coercion, should it ever become necessary, and his corruption meant he had no qualms about cooperating in unethical or illegal activities. His work in dirty tricks hints that he shares the Clintons' corrupt motives. (This is supported by his reputation as a self-important, "Gestapo-like creep," according to White House staff.) Livingstone's Chicken Man experience indicates that he at least knows the techniques and rhetoric of the liberal left. In short, he had all the qualifications.

A few questions remain to be answered in my mind. Was the Chicken Guy a Tyson chicken, or a Foster bought-the-Farms chicken? Also, from the animal husbandry unit when I took Ag Science as a freshman in high school -- it took me a while to remember that far back -- I've tentatively identified the breed of poultry after which they modeled the Chicken Guy costume in order to represent candidate Clinton. Perhaps someone could confirm this for me, but I'm pretty certain that Chicken Guy was a breed called the yellow-bellied draft dodger. (The roosters of this breed are readily distinguished by their clipped wings and -- despite their prodigious reproductive activity -- by their hen-pecked behavior.)

You can bet that's one bill-signing pen that collectors won't want to touch.

(Hmmm, wonder if that's crude enough for Slick Times?)

What I want to know, and what was never reported, was whether, while there, he visited Yelm's most famous resident, channeler J.C. Knight, for a Hillary-style visit with the 5000-year-old warrior known as Ramtha. No doubt he got some good tips on handling Saddam.

"To some people, smoking is addictive; to others, they can take it or leave it...."

Of course, no mention is made about:

• the tobacco crops on Al Gore's Tennessee farm;
• Algore boasted of his credentials as a tobacco grower four years after his sister's death in 1984;
• Contrary to Algore's claim at the Democratic Convention, the link between smoking and cancer had been clearly established at the time of his sister's death (remember when the Surgeon General made tobacco companies start putting the warnings on packs of cigarettes clear back in the 60's?);
• Bill Clinton's appetite for cigars
• the Wall Street Journal's discovery of how pious Democrits concealed tobacco industry contributions by disseminating them among state party organizations;
• in 1992, Democrits received 55 percent of the more than $1,000,000 contributed to campaigns by R.J. Reynolds Nabisco,
• and 59 percent of the $775,000 contributed by Philip Morris; (Center for Responsive Politics)
• the all-time record-holder for receiving tobacco money is Democrit Willie Brown (Frisco mayor, former California state senator and former Speaker of the California Senate;
• Democrits are still receiving more than half of tobacco political contributions;

In the July Newsweek, Dole press secretary Nelson Warfield is quoted saying, "I think we're going to start having Joint Man following Bill Clinton around."

I think Joint Man is a great idea! He should carry around a ghetto blaster playing the tune, Don't Fear the Reefer. (There's a song from the 70's called Don't Fear the Reaper, for those from Rio Linda who didn't catch the pun. Come to think of it, the original title would be an accurate commentary on what's happened to dozens of people associated with the Clintons.)

What other songs would fit? How about...

• No-no-no-no, I don't smoke it no more,
• She's My Girl, Bill, or
• Deep Purple's Smoke on White Water.
• (Your suggestion here! See your name and your humor in genuine pixels!) .

In fact, I've been planning to make a Willie Wipes man.

Republicans are still chuckling over the Democrats' use of the Macarena dance at their convention. Aside from the scintilating sight of Algore 'dancing,' the surpising appropriateness of its symbolism has conservatives amused.

A Mexican acquaintance told me that 'Macarena' means 'boaster.' If so, 'Macarena' would be the most appropriate term Bill Clinton has applied to himself in the past four years.

Have you heard the words to the Macarena? The lyrics illustrate with amazing accuracy the Family Values plank of the Democratic Party platform. The bragging singer claims, "they all want me; they can't have me; so they come and dance beside me; ... and if I like you I'll take you home with me." The song also says, don't worry about my boyfriend, "I don't like him, I can't stand him," the singer is already dating the boyfriend's two best friends behind his back. This describes not only the Democratic Party platform; it even describes the president's marriage.

From: RLQV81A@prodigy.com How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? 1000: 1 to change the bulb and 999 to do the Macarena.

Pretty funny. But I disagree about the 'one'.

If you leave it up to the Democrits, the job will never get done.

They'll wait until a Republican changes the bulb and then criticize him for draconian cuts in the level of illumination that endangered the lives of children and old people while he was changing the bulb, tax him for imputed earnings, fine him for not getting the right permits, jail him for altering the environment, and file a grievance against him for taking work away from them. Finally, a crew of eleven will cut down several thousand-year-old trees to set up a platform where Bill Clin-tong will pose in a photo op as he turns the light back on, taking credit for having gotten the job done.

I have it from an inside source that Hillary got together with New Age channeler Jean Houston to recruit (the late) Dr. Timothy Leary. White House counsel's objections that Leary wasn't a real medical doctor were dismissed because of Leary's known pharmacological expertise. As precedent, it was cited that the Oval Office is not currently occupied by a real president. Further objections that Leary's ghost has not been confirmed by Congress were also answered by precedent; namely, that neither was Hillary.

It came out early in 96 that Hillary has a foul mouth and an attitude that gives Leona Helmsly a run for her money in the competition for title of Queen *itch. One quote was,

"Stay the f___ back. Stay the f___ away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just f___ing do as I say, OK?"

Hillary Rodham Clinton, addressing Secret Service personnel

As we should have expected, a psychobabble article has been published (Aug. or Sept. 96) to explain that cussing is healthy. MUST have been written to excuse Hillary! Rush, you should have told us so!

From what I've heard and read about the article, however, it does not address the effects of cussing on one's health in the afterlife.

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."

"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."

I'd wager this was an example of affirmative action hiring. Obviously, the housekeeper is qualified to run a buffer, but what makes a 'good employee' goes beyond meeting the minimum qualifications. In this case, the failure to hire 'the best' cost several people their lives.

Terry S., who forwarded this article to me, asks, "What do you guys think of the way this problem was resolved?"

"Sending a strong letter to the cleaner" may seem mild, (and is probably futile since such a dunce probably couldn't read it), but how far can one go in punishing stupidity? Something like 'three strikes' wouldn't apply because the cleaner sent all the patients 'home'. Seems to me, the fault lies with those who failed to adequately supervise or train such an idiot. As Terry said, "heads ought to roll;" but I would think that in Africa, they're trying to get away from that.

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