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I sent these letters to John and his parents after they told me about John's accident, which has left him partially paralyzed. One thing to note is that they had never contacted me directly (always through the agency), even after I found John's identifying information and started writing to them directly. Also, they had never responded to my letters since 1997, when I was still living in the same town as them. I believe the fact that I had moved 1100 miles away had something to do with why I got a letter at all.
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Dear John and Frances,
Thank you very much for your letter of April 12. Although the news was distressing to hear, I am glad to know that John is doing well in so many areas of his life. I’m sure it has been difficult for your entire family to cope with all the changes that occurred after the accident, but it does seem that John has come through remarkably well, despite all the hardships I’m sure he had to endure.
There is some news that I have found out that John might want to know about, but since I have never heard from him directly, I thought it best that I send this information to you, and you can share it with John if you think it is appropriate. I realize he is an adult, but you know him best, and I wouldn’t want to send him anything directly that might upset him. I had been searching for John’s birthfather since I first started writing to you in 1992. I wanted to find him to get updated medical information for John. I found his brother last year. His brother informed me that Jeff was killed in a mountain hiking accident in Seattle in 1988. His brother sent me the obituary and the newspaper article about the accident, and I am enclosing them here.
I am sorry to have to inform you this way, and had been hoping that I could perhaps talk to you both and John personally, but I do understand your desire to keep our communication only written at this time.
Besides the information about Jeff, I have also included some recent photos from Florida, and also my sister and her husband’s photos and letter about their trip to China to adopt their daughter, Lydia. I thought you or John might be interested in reading about it.
If you could ask John if he would not mind sending me an updated photo (perhaps from his college graduation), and a copy of the interview he did on Fox 26 that you mentioned in your email, I would appreciate it. If he does not want to provide these, I understand. It would just be nice to have a new photo, as the last one I have was taken when he was 17.
Thank you again for updating me about John’s life. I am always available for any level of communication you feel comfortable with. I am thankful that he has such great parents and a wonderful brother, too, that care so much for him. The love and support in your family is evident from the information you sent to me. Your family is in my thoughts, always.
Sincerely, Mary
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Dear John,
Your parents wrote to me recently, telling me about your accident last year. I am very sorry to hear about it. I think of you every day and hope that you are healthy and happy, so this news was distressing to hear. But I am glad you let me know—thank you. I am impressed at how you have handled the entire situation, and know that you will have a fulfilling, happy life, and be successful in whatever you do.
Your birthfamily (grandmother, aunts, uncle, and brother) are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers as well (as they always have), and wanted to let you know that they are thinking of you. Randal, in particular, wanted me to tell you he is open to communication with you whenever you want. I am putting his contact information at the bottom of this letter. If you want to contact him, I would not mind at all, even if you do not want to contact me right now. Of course, I’m always willing to communicate with you, as I always have been, whenever you are ready.
I am enjoying my new job and life in Florida, even though I do miss my family and friends in Houston. I am making new friends and being very active, travelling on the weekends, going hiking and to the beach often. The only other news I have is that my brother and his wife had a baby girl in December, and my sister and her husband adopted a 14 month old girl from China in December as well. They are the first two grandchildren in the family since Randal was born, so it has been an exciting time, having young children in the family again.
Congratulations on your recent degree and job placement, along with all your other accomplishments. I wish you all the best, and you are in my thoughts, as always.
Sincerely, Mary
Thursday, December 09, 1999
Dear John,
I hope everything is going well with you and your family. I have thought about you and them daily for over 21 years. I believe you are the son I placed for adoption shortly after his birth on May 30, 1978 in Houston, Texas.
I do not want to disrupt your life or take your parents' place. I merely want to know how you are - that you are doing OK. I am here to answer any questions you may have. I would like to get to know you, if that is what you also want.
You also have a half-brother, Randal (MIDDLE) (LAST), who is 18 years old. His birthday is MMMM DD, YYYY. I know you have a brother that you are very close to, and Randal does not want to take his place, either. He just wants to get to know you, if you are willing.
The only thing I ask is that you respond and let me know your thoughts about receiving this letter, even if it is to tell me to not contact you anymore. Of course, I hope that you contact me because you want to get to know something about me, Randal, and the rest of your birth family. But I will respect any decision you make.
I will update you on any address or phone number change - I want you to have the most current information. I am also including identifying information at the end of this letter, in case you want to verify that I am your birthmother. Take care, and know that you and your family are in my thoughts.
Love,
Mary
I have been writing the aparents via the agency for 6 1/2 years (all non-id info). I decided to send my son a birthday card and a letter for his 20th birthday. The card has a dalmation puppy on the front with a yellow ribbon around its neck. The words on the cover say To a Very Special Person. The inside says:
It's hard to find a greeting
Nice enough to send you,
For you're so very special
That the usual ones won't do --
But this one seems just perfect,
For it really makes it clear
That you're close in thought,
not now and then,
But all throughout the year!
Happy Birthday
My letter is as follows:
---------------------------
May 1998
Dear John,
I am scared to death to be writing this letter. I have been thinking of you more and more this month, as your 20th birthday approaches. It sure doesn't feel like 20 years to me. I hope receiving this letter and card doesn't upset you. I just wanted to give you something for your birthday. Every year for the past 6 1/2 years, when I started writing to your parents, I have wanted to give you something. I've finally gotten the courage to do it.
My present to you is a story. It's just the beginning of a story, really. It is the story of the day of your birth. This is your personal history, and you have a right to it. I hope you receive it in the spirit that it is given -- with love and the hope that this information will fill in some gaps of what happened before your wonderful parents were in your life.
I don't expect you to respond to this letter (although I would gladly receive one). This is for you, no strings attached. I hope you enjoy it.
Your Birth Day, May 30, 1978
Your birth day actually starts the day before, I had been staying at the maternity home for about four months. During that time, we went to child birth classes and regular school classes. We also did chores. My favorite chore was feeding the German Sheperd that was part guard dog, part family pet.
On May 29th, I woke up with very light labor pains. I was in labor all that day, and all day on the 30th. I never experienced any heavy labor, because I was given an epidural, which numbed me from the waist down, but left me completely alert. I didn't want to miss a second of your birth!
The afternoon of the 30th, someone from the home drove me to the hospital. I was admitted and prepped for delivery. My parents came and my mom stayed with me in the labor room. I remember feeling very calm, but anxious because I wanted to see you after all the months of waiting.
There were two other women in labor at the same time. I remember one of them screaming, and thinking, I'm glad I got an epidural! I also was glad of the classes I went to, because it really prepared me for what to expect.
Around 10 p.m., I was wheeled into the delivery room. It was very bright, and a nurse took my glasses off. I was very upset about that, because I can't see without them, and I so very much wanted to see you being born! I remember lifting my head and squinting as hard as I could to try and see!
A little after 10 p.m. (I don't know the exact time -- I couldn't see the clock!), the doctor used forceps to help you out, because with the anesthetic, I could not push too well. Everything went fine, he didn't poke a hole in your head or anything (grin).
You weighed 8 lb, 14 oz. and were about 23" long! You had some dark peach-fuzzy hair and those blue eyes all babies have for a few months. When I finally got a chance to see you, I thought you looked like Jeff, your birthfather, but I could see some resemblance to my family, also.
You stayed in the hospital nursery 3 days, which was normal back then. You were definitely the biggest baby there! You made all the other babies look like preemies. They would not bring you to my room, so I went down to the nursery window constantly during those 3 days. I still have the nursery pass and my hospital bracelet from that time. It was all I had to remember you.
On your 3rd day the agency came to take you to foster care until the papers were signed. As far as I know, you were in foster care for 5 days. I met your foster mother eight days after your birth. She was a very sweet lady, and said that you were a very good baby. On that day, I held you for the first and last time. The agency allowed 30 minutes with you just before I signed the papers. Those minutes are etched in my mind. I remember being nervous about holding you -- afraid I would drop you (I'm a little bit of a klutz). My mom held you first, then I held you, sitting in a rocking chair, and rocked you.
I tried to memorize everything about you. I had a picture taken of you in my arms (I was cut off at the neck, though!). That picture brought me through many birthdays and holidays afterward.
One other thing I got to do that day was change your diaper! It was a real stinker, too, but I cherished every minute I had with you. When the 30 minutes were up, I handed you to my mom, who handed you to your foster mom. I was crying as I was led into the office to sign the papers.
I want you to know, John, that if there had been any way I could have raised you, I would have. But I had no choice -- no education, no job, and no place to take you. I just want you to know that you were very much loved and wanted (and still are).
I am so glad that you were given such wonderful, kind, caring parents. I love them nearly as much as you. Your entire family has been in my heart for the past 20 years.
This is the beginning of your story, John... it's up to you how it will turn out.
Love,
Mary
Here are some responses to this letter from adoptees.
To John's Mom and Dad,
Thank you for your letter of August 25, 1997. I'm sorry I am so late in my response to you; I honestly have been thinking of what to write after your last letter. In a way I'm glad that John has finally had some response to my correspondence with you, but in another way I don't want to be the cause of any anxiety. I want only what is best for him – that has always been my intention, first and foremost.
There is no medical update at this time; my mom is doing very well, as well as my sisters and brother. Of course, Randal is and always has been extremely healthy. My asthma is pretty much under control with inhalers and nebulizer treatments. The same is true for the degenerative disc disease in my lower back. Exercise and stretching takes care of it most of the time. However, we moved last weekend, and both my asthma and back problems were acting up from all the cleaning and packing. We stayed in the same area for Randal's school (our new house is only 4 blocks away from his school), and we are leasing the house with an option to buy. It's a gorgeous house, and we are very happy with it.
How is your family doing? Has John chosen a major yet? How is he doing in school? Is he playing any sports? Has he developed any new interests or hobbies? If you could, I would really like to get an updated picture – the last one I have is from May 1995. I am planning on getting updated pictures of Randal, Gene and me soon, and hopefully will have them to send to you by John's birthday. I can't believe it has been almost 20 years since he was born – in many ways it seems just like yesterday. I certainly don't feel 20 years older! :^)
I am going to our country's capitol in June for an adoption-related event sponsored by an Internet birthmothers' group I have been in for the past two years. We are going to walk up the square, and are also making a quilt to display. Each quilt square will represent a birthmom or adoptee. I am still trying to decide what type of design to put on my square that would adequately represent our relationship and how I feel about John's adoption. I feel more at peace about the decision that was thrust on me nearly 20 years ago since our communication started over 6 years ago, and definitely am happy that I have contact with you. I hope it has benefited you and John, also.
Could I also make another small request? We have been writing to each other now for a long time. I'd really like to address you by first name, if possible. It just seems so formal to always address you as John's Mom and Dad. I know you are his mom and dad, and have always considered you his real parents, even right after his birth. I appreciate you in ways you will never understand. I would just like to say "thanks," and be able to put a name after it.
Thank you again for your letter, and I hope to hear from you soon. Your family is in my thoughts every day.
Love,
Mary
April 8, 1997
To John's Mom and Dad,
I just wanted to write to say that I received your letter of February 12. Thanks so much for writing -- I was starting to worry that something was wrong with either John or your family. I would like to keep each other updated once or twice a year, if possible. If an "emergency" comes up, like change in medical information or a birth, marriage, or death in the family, I will let you know at once.
I went to an adoption conference last week near Dallas. It was the first such conference I have ever been to, and I found it very educational and personally helpful. I went to several workshops. Some of the ones I went to were:
The one thing I really learned, after listening to everyone's stories about their personal experiences with adoption (whether adoptee or birthparent or adoptive parent), is that I am very, very lucky to have had the adoption experience I did. You both are wonderful parents who are raising John to be a responsible, caring individual. I'm lucky that we have the type of semi-open adoption that we do now. I'm lucky that I have/had wonderful parents and family that I have good relationships with. Most of all, I'm grateful to be able to see John's progress through the letters and pictures you send, and that he knows that he was not abandoned or unloved from the letters I have sent.
That's about it, really. I just wanted to let you know I received your letter, and wanted to tell you about the conference, and the tremendous effect it had on me. I feel better now about the whole relinquishment/adoption experience than I ever have. I don't think anyone ever completely "gets over it", but we can learn how to forgive and accept the past.
Take care. I'm thinking of your family, as always. Tell John that I'm glad to hear he is doing so well in school, and wish him a happy birthday for me on May 30. It's always been a hard day for me to deal with, but since we've been communicating, it has been a bit easier. Just let him know that I have never forgotten a single birthday.
Love,
Mary
November 12, 1996
To John's Mom and Dad,
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of your family. I sent a letter back in April, and was hoping to hear from you. Not much has changed since then. My first wedding anniversary is coming up in December, and Randal is doing fine, as well as my husband. I hope you enjoyed the pictures I sent with my last letter.My mom just turned 60 last month, and we went on the Juvenile Diabetes Walk together. My dad had diabetes, as well as my paternal grandmother, and my sister also has it. Everyone else in the family is doing fine.
I hope John is enjoying his first year in college! I'm positive he will do great. If he is going to school out of town, must be hard for you to have him away for the first time. I know how that feels -- the first time Randal went to spend the summer with his father out of state, I didn't know what to do with myself. It gets easier as time goes on, but even now, I miss him when he is not here.
Since John is 18 now, he can write letters to me through the agency himself, if he wants to. I know he is not very interested right now, but I just want him and you to know that I think of you every day, and wish you the best. As I've said before, I'm always here to answer any questions you or John may have.
I have been seeing a lot of stories about adoption on TV and on the Internet. I've found some really great sites on the Internet about adoption. If you have access, maybe you would like to look at them, too.
Voices of Adoption (http://www.ibar.com/adoption.shtml)
Birthdays ... What
the Triad Feels (http://ns1.koyote.com/personal/hobb/bdays.html)
The Home
Page for Adoptees and Birth Families
(http://www.oocities.org/capitolhill/2991/)
My Story by Stacie
(http://www.intergate.net/uhtml/sam/Adoption/mystory.html)
Legacy of an
Adopted Child (http://www.oocities.org/CapitolHill/2991/legacy.html)
Love,
Mary
April 19, 1996
To John's Mom and Dad,
First, let me apologize for the delay of this letter. It's been nearly a year since I received that plain, brown envelope in the mail from the adoption agency, containing your wonderful letters and pictures of John. I can't tell you how much both the letters and pictures mean to me. When I first saw the pictures, I cried with joy... the long wait of knowing my son's first name and what he looks like was finally over! It has given me a peace of mind I have been searching for, for a long, long time. I can't tell you how grateful I am, along with my family. My mom and my siblings all were overjoyed to finally see what their birthgrandson/birthnephew looks like, to hear how well he is doing, and to hear what wonderful parents he has.
I think about John and your family every day, and hope you are doing well. With John's 18th birthday and graduation from high school drawing near, I have been thinking about him alot, and wondering what his plans are for after high school. I'm sure he has been or will be accepted at a fine university. My mom and dad were the only ones in their generation to get college degrees in our family, and all five of their children have college degrees. Two of my sisters have advanced degrees. Education is very important to us, as I'm sure it is to you, also. I'm glad to hear John is doing so well in school. What is his intended major?
The only newsworthy item I have to report is that I got married in December (pictures are enclosed). My son, Randal, gave me away. My husband, Gene, is 5 years younger than I am, and working towards an International Finance degree. After being single nearly all my adult life, being married is quite a change... but one that I really enjoy.
Randal is finishing his freshman year in high school, and looking forward to getting his learner's permit after he turns 15 this summer. He is ADD (I think I mentioned that in an earlier letter), and is now taking Ritalin. It has done a world of good for him, allowing him to concentrate and stay on task much better than before.
There hasn't been any changes in my family's health history over the past year. I was wondering if you would like me to try to contact John's birthfather and ask him to provide an updated medical history. I don't know if he ever provided one at the time of John's birth. I'm sure that you and John would like to have John's complete and current medical history.
Please tell John congratulations on his upcoming graduation, and that I'm always available to answer any questions he may have. Your family is always in my heart, and never far from my thoughts. Take good care of each other, as you have been. I'm so glad you were chosen to be John's parents.
Love,
Mary
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