Denying the problem exists.
Ignoring the person I have a concern about.
Criticizing or putting down.
Checking up on or watching another's behavior.
Taking on another's financial or psychological behavior.
Helping someone out of a crisis they created, thereby alleviating their plan.
Letting someone's behavior control me or my response to them.
Stewing about a problem.
Trying to fix up, or do too much for another by giving him/her a feeling of being helpless to care for him/herself.
Reacting verbally to what another person says or taking it personally and withdrawing.
Explaining and defending other's actions to him/herself and other.
Letting another project his unhappiness on me and allowing myself to feel guilty.
Telling the person I am concerned about to either shape up or use his/her willpower to change.
Using blame, shame, or guilt to control another.
Trying to control someone by anger or being silent.
Not being honest and open about my feelings.
To keep from enabling, we need to share in a direct, loving way our concern about another's behavior and how it affects us, without attacking that person. If we are paying someone's debts or bailing them out of a difficulty, it is fairly easy for us to see that as enabling. The emotional kind of enabling is more subtle and takes much longer to see. Someone who feels guilty can make a good enabler. I could not see or understand detachment or enabling until I had made amends in my own life.
Denying: "He/she is not an alcoholic or drug abuser"
As a result:
Expecting the alcoholic/addict to control his/her addiction;
Accepting blame.
Using with the alcoholic/addict.
Justifying the use by agreeing with the rationalization of the alcoholic/addict, e.g., "His/her job puts him/her under a lot of pressure.
Keeping feelings inside.
Avoiding problems: Keeping the peace, believing lack of conflict makes a good relationship.
Minimizing: "It's not so bad....things will get better when..."
Protecting...the image of the alcoholic/addict;
...the alcoholic/addict from pain;
...myself from pain.
Avoiding by tranquilizing feelings with tranquilizers, food, work.
Blaming, criticizing, lecturing.
Taking over responsibilities.
Feeling superior: Treating the alcoholic/addict like a child.
Controlling: "Let's skip the office party this year".
Enduring: "This too shall pass".
Waiting: "Good will take care of it"
Source: Harriet Davis, Johnson Institute
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