The long term effects of domestic violence are impossible to fully document. Battered women suffer physical, mental and emotional problems as a result of domestic violence, some of which cannot be documented because these women will suffer as long as they live. Many studies have been conducted across this nation but no one knows the extent of the true results, save these women themselves.

Some findings of these studies have been well documented.

Injuries sustained by violence upon women may cause medical difficulties later in life. Conditions such as arthritis, hypertension and heart disease are just a few examples of conditions that may appear later in life.

Women may have to forgo financial security during divorce proceedings to avoid further abuse. As a result they are impoverished as they grow older.

Nearly one-third of the children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems, including psychosomatic disorders, stuttering, anxiety and fears, sleep disruption, excessive crying and school problems.

The hardest thing for some women is the attitude of others toward their dilemma. Most people believe that these women would be safe if would just leave the abuser. When others believe that women are free to leave abusers at any time, there is a greater sense of being alone in the abused women. They feel that no one understands, therefore, no one can help them. Leaving is no guarantee that the abuse will stop and it does not usually put an end to the violence. The act of leaving may, in fact, escalate the violence as the man attempts to coerce the woman into reconciliation, or to retaliate for the batterer's perceived rejection or abandonment. Men who believe that they "own" their female partner and are entitled to a relationship, often view women's departure as an ultimate betrayal, which justifies their retaliation, if only in their own minds.

The evidence of the magnitude of separation violence is overwhelming, yet most of us wonder why these women stay. It is because the threats that have been made and the fear they create, are very real. The following facts show their dilemma.

* Up to 3/4 of domestic assaults reported to law enforcement agencies were inflicted after separation of the couples. (U.S. Dept. of Justice, 1983

* 73% of the battered women seeking emergency medical services sustained injuries after leaving the batterer.

* In a study of women seeking divorce in Philadelphia in 1986, 11% of the women reported that they were assaulted during separation even though they had not been abused during co-habitation. 32.6% of the women said that they were fearful during negotiations for child custody, about 22% stated that they were fearful of retaliatory violence during negotiations for child support and 27.7% fearful during negotiations for property. 13% of the women in the study stated that they gave up legal rights because of their fear of retaliatory violence.

* Almost 1/4 of the women killed by their male partners in one study in Philadelphia and Chicago were separated or divorced from the men who killed them and 28.6% of the women were attempting to end the relationship when they were killed.

* In a study of spousal homicide, over half of the male defendants were separated from their victims.

* Women are most likely to be murdered when attempting to report abuse or to leave an abusive relationship.

Perhaps this will help us all to understand the reality of the fears held by battered women with regards to leaving abusive relationships. Abusive men are used to being in control. They hold a sense of self worth only when they feel they can control others. To remove themselves from the situation may cause the man to become more volatile.

No woman just decides one day to surrender her life to an abusive, controlling man. The process is slow and precise. It begins like any other relationship as a rule, with the men saying and doing all the right things to win the love of the woman they want. What they really want is not clear until later in the relationship. When the change comes, the confusion and fear begin to rule their lives. The woman is trapped in a cycle of her own, trying to fix things, trying to make it right, trying to make the man happy once again.

It may begin with things as common as the compromises one would expect to make in a new relationship. From this point, the demands begin to escalate and therein grows the shift that alters the course of lives. Once the lines have been drawn where one person is doing all the giving and the other does all the taking, the deterioration of that relationship is inevitable.

These types of relationships usually start out very comfortable, dedicated, loving and hold a deep sense of commitment. The change begins when the man becomes more demanding, restless and unhappy. The woman often shifts into the "I'll fix it" mode. She is soon consumed by this one desire; to make the man happy with her once more and to recreate a sense of security within the home. The thought is always there for them; we had it once, so if I try hard enough, we can get it back. Each day becomes driven by this desire to mend the relationship. If the woman accepts the role of assuming all responsibility for the outcome, she is setting herself up for failure.

Looking back, the change may clear to see. At the time, however, it is so subtle it is barely even noticed.

Life changes slowly, inches at a time, creating a tremendous void in life with each little alteration that takes place. Each modification leaves their hearts with a loneliness that can never be defined. It starts with a sense of helplessness to control what is happening. It grows into anger and despair, which often triggers a reaction of determination. That determination nets them more confusion, which adds to the increasing account of the worthlessness of their efforts. Finally comes the resignation to life such as it is, which is the ruination of dreams.

Time has a way of taking care of things, but the days between the beginning and the end can be so unbearably long. Days spent in sadness take their toll on the heart, mind, body and soul. Long days turn into weeks, months and years with no hope in sight. Depression is a part of the abuse syndrome, and it hits hard at times in the lives of the women who endure such treatment. Hopelessness, sleeplessness, constant worry, pressure to "fix everything" (sown by the attitude that it's the woman's job to keep home and hearts happy), and the act of watching the other person Ping-Pong back and forth between right and wrong all discourage the emotional well being of those most intimately involved.

The problem is that no one can "fix" another human being or to force them to be any different than they are. No one can change someone else's tendencies or their inner frustration toward what is deem to be an imperfect world they are forced to live in against their will. Try as they may to change the course of events shaping before them, these women may find their attempts waning. Their actions will impact on others in a positive way only if the other person is working to better their life.

To try to force a change in another person is futile. Investing your own positive energy into situation filled with resistance results in a negative emotional drain. The most futile of all attempts is to try to trick someone into a sense of happiness. It is a waste of precious energy to try to persuade another human being to be something other than what they are. The only lasting change comes from within, and only if it is their heart's true desire will it be a change that will endure the test of time.

Which person is the true person? The one they saw in the beginning, or the one they see in the end?

The person we each are from day to day, the one whose desires and habits continue to remain, is the person we really are. Often this is confusing because the other person starts out to be loving, caring and kind, or so they seem. When the change comes, or rather, the revelation of who that other person actually is behind the facade, the true self of the other is then apparent. An abusive person often masquerades as a tender heart but once the mask comes off we see the person deep inside who refuses to remain locked in the deception.

For the women, however, it is much different. Most often women who endure such abuse are seen as weak and unable to cope with reality. Nothing is farther from the truth than this, because these women hold an inner strength beyond what any of us see. Their fear is very real, and well founded. They must draw upon their own energies to survive, and to overcome. In the face of doubt, they must stand alone. These women are engaged in a situation common to men at war in a foreign country. The battle within each of them is to survive this nightmare and to be victorious in their own lives. All they have to defend themselves is their own sense of right and wrong. They long for the good in life that is being denied them. Instinctively, they struggle to survive, and some even beat the odds.

Regardless of how the situation plays out, once a man has turned to battery to make his point, everyone around them is in danger. To stay, is dangerous, but so is leaving. Leaving, however appears to be the safest of all routes for women living in this kind of danger. There has to come a point in life that they find the strength to leave, or they die with this man, one way, or the other.

The war within is hard enough, but the resistance and judgment they may find in those around them can be even more disheartening. To stand alone and face the fear, takes courage. To make the changes necessary to survive, takes an act of faith in no one but themselves. They are the ones who live and die with the decisions they make, and no one else.

How it will turn out once they leave, no one can determine. How it will end if they stay, is in the loss of a human life. This may be in the loss of hope, the loss of faith, the loss of the dreams they hold dear, or in the loss of their own importance. No one has the right to take a life, yet, abusive men do it on a regular basis. Even the ones who do not literally kill the woman, take their lives from them slowly, torturing their souls each day that they live, just because they think they have the right.

The battle within is a hard one for these women. If they find the strength to leave, that action alone may place their lives in jeopardy, but to stay, ends their lives completely.

Women are often kept isolated by the batteres who dictate where they can go, who they can talk to, and what they can do. They have little, if no support, nowhere to turn, and nowhere to go. All too often, for the battered woman, the war within becomes a war without; A war without help, and a war without hope. We would never leave one soldier to fight alone in cold and lonely land, yet we stand in judgment of these women who struggle against those same odds. Great strides have been made, but our true understanding is yet to be enlightened.

Please consider what you can do to help.

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