London, England: Amid the joy of the Christmas season here, it is all too easy to overlook the perils. Thus the good citizens of Britain and those of us who are mere visitors were grateful for the timely warnings issued in this holiday period by those looking out for our interests, such as a condom manufacturer named Durex.

Durex released a long-awaited survey showing that holiday revelers here are half as likely to bring condoms to parties as their counterparts in Ireland -- even though hopes of sex at parties were shown to be higher in Britain.

And the nut industry issued a warning that the crop of almonds and pistachios, "the most popular types," was particularly bad this year, creating a severe shortage and possible dissapointment for all those who wait too long to buy theirs.

Not to be outdone, the caviar importers warned of a potential crisis -- a flood of cheap caviar pretending to be beluga. This is, in part, the result of the collapse of the Soviet Union, which meant a collapse of quotas on sturgeon-fishing.

And then there is Santa. This is not his year. Leading department stores have announced they are barring children from sitting in Santa's lap -- or even on his knee -- unless accompanied by an adult, because of fears of child-abuse and lawsuits alleging child-abuse.

So far no examples of Santa misconduct have been reported, except for a departmant store Santa in northeastern England, who got in trouble for giving toy guns to some children. It was all a big mistake, said the store manager after parents complained.

Christmas remains a time for controversy in Britain. The biggest one this year concerns a decision by the Football Association to change the uniforms worn by England's national soccer team. What does this have to do with Christmas? Team shirts are among the prized (and expensive -- as much as $100) gifts that Santa brings. Unfortunately, the announcement came after many parents had already purchased the old shirts, which will soon be obsolete.

This was considered so serious that members of Parliament interupted their busy schedules and debates on such weighty matters as the single European currency to lambaste the move.

The second biggest controversy was in the village of Okehampton, in Devon. Every Christmas for seemingly a million the village band has played traditional music, mostly under the direction of Percy Adams, 79. This year, however, the band rebelled. Instead of playing the traditional stuff, members voted to play popular songs. When Adams resisted, he was ousted.

"There has been trouble for a year or two with the younger ones," he told news services here. "I don't remember much of what they asked for, but there was stuff from the Beatles and a popular song called YMCA. It was all newfangled pop stuff they wanted. I am used to old-fashioned music." He said he plans to boycott the band's concerts.

Nobody's got a sense of humour about Christmas any more.

Comic impressionist Rory Brenner has been defending himself for weeks because he will deliver a nationally televised Christmas message dressed up as Princess Diana: the telecast will compete with the Christmas message Queen Elizabeth delivers each year.

Statistic made public by Alliance and Leicester, a bank, suggested the "feel-good factor" has finally returned to Britons, and they will spend more than ever on expensive gifts for the holidays.

This prompted a spokesman for something called the Low Pay Unit to point out that the less fortunate will "feel more excluded" than ever.

A group called the Noise Network which crusades against excessive noise, filed a formal complaint with the Advertising Standards Authority against an ad by the Sainsbury's supermarket chain that said, "Lets Party! Let your hair down, turn the music up."

"It is offensive to relatives of those people that have lost their lives in noise-related disputes," said the Noise Network, "in particular where the playing of loud music has been involved."